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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is putting me in a difficult position?

171 replies

RaphaellaTheSpanishWaterDog · 29/03/2016 18:08

About five years ago my best friend (known all my life) invited us to lunch. At the time we were living on the other side of the country but had family close-ish to her house. While there our other halves got talking - they've known each other about 20 years but are not especially close - and her DH showed mine a childhood collection of items that my DH is a specialist in (dealer). My DH offered to take said items home and research them. We next saw my friend again about a year when the subject wasn't referred to and ditto the following year, but both were family gatherings when we all had other things on our minds. Since then we have moved even further away (4+ hrs drive).

Fast forward to a few weeks back when I received a b/day card with a message asking my DH to call hers - he would like the items back and as they'll be in the area 'soon' we could meet up.

Stupidly assuming DH knew exactly where the items in question were I suggested he dig them out and call friend's DH at which point he looked a trifle sheepish and said he 'thought' they were in the garage. Now, after buying this house in late 2014 we moved a garage-full of stuff from the storage unit we rented when living at our previous house, so our garage is pretty chocka. I offered to help DH search - which took several days - but to no avail. We also went through cupboards in the house - it's a restoration project and we're living in a building site at the mo, so I thought they were just mislaid - again, no joy.

At that point I started to get suspicious of DH - he does have a bit of a tendency to be a little economical with the truth (nothing really bad, just 'white lies' supposedly to protect me/other people from getting hurt......) - and asked him if he'd either sold them intentionally or inadvertently perhaps? He was adamant that he hadn't and started suggesting our (very expensive and otherwise wholly reliable) removers had nicked them. I should point out here that these items are of no intrinsic, only sentimental value and could probably - with some effort - be replaced.

Anyway, he initially said he'd call friend's DH, then went quiet and when reminded a couple of weeks later he'd (conveniently?) forgotten all about it Hmm Now several weeks have passed and I'm feeling awful - my friend doesn't have our landline no and we've both changed mobile numbers since we last spoke. We no longer do FB after we were stalked by someone relating to our business and we don't know when their planned trip this way is. I'm worried that my friend and her DH will turn up on our doorstep when we least expect it. Worse still it's her b/day soon and I now feel I can't send her a card without mentioning the subject.

I feel DH has put me into a difficult position that threatens to undermine a lifelong friendship.....what should I do and AIBU?

OP posts:
LightDrizzle · 29/03/2016 18:50

So did he research the items as promised and get back to your friends?
Has he stolen from clients before? Are you okay with "inadvertent" theft as long as he sticks to random vulnerable people and avoids your friends?
I agree with other posters, this sounds very black.

zipzap · 29/03/2016 18:53

Does your dh have accounts or a sale book or something that you could look through to identify the items and how much they were sold for?

I'd also start telling him explicitly that unless he can show me the items then you believe that he has sold them (based on his past behaviour and white lies) and that he needs to buy them back (whatever it costs him - not out of the family pot) and get them back to the friend's dh.

I'd also send a birthday card to the friend (even if it doesn't mention about them or doesn't have dh's name in it) but would put all contact details in there. Including dh's mobile.

And I'd say that as he has lost them, he needs to be the one spending hours looking for them every possible place they could be - not you. no TV, no hobbies, just concentrating on the looking. Or confessing to the fact he sold them and now needs to sort out how to get them back.

And he can't just offer money for them - just because they're not worth lots now doesn't mean they might not be worth more when the actual owner does want to sell them. Or doesn't want to sell them because they're sentimental and he wants to give them to his dc or whatever. He needs to sort it - and you need to remind him every day. Or ask him if he wants you or his friend to go down to the police station to report that he's stolen them...

Would really make me rethink the whole staying with him tbh Sad

Arfarfanarf · 29/03/2016 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

herstoryyes · 29/03/2016 18:58

This sounds awful. OP, what do you really think has happened? I think there's levels to this - not just the stealing (if that's what it is) but also the charade of going through the garage and disrespecting you so much he lies like that to you, to your face. I'd be so angry and hurt if that was me in so many ways. I hope you're ok.

TendonQueen · 29/03/2016 19:02

Agree with everyone else. Don't defend him to your friend, he doesn't deserve it. Come clean to her.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 29/03/2016 19:06

God I feel so sorry for you. Your husband has no integrity. Most of us learned to come clean at age 6 and he's still not managed it. I'd be very embarrassed in your position as well. Confront him outright and see what the truth is. White lies eh? He's an outright liar here.

Kidnapped · 29/03/2016 19:09

The worst thing about this is the ease with which he wants to shift blame onto the removers.

It reflects very badly on his character that he would do something bad like this and then try to blame someone else.

And these white lies he tells in order to protect you and others from getting hurt? They weren't white lies and they were told to protect himself.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2016 19:11

I would dob him the fuck in to your friends and if he didn't like it, invite him to use the door

witsender · 29/03/2016 19:16

The friendship is ruined basically, but this is down to him and not you. A very firm ultimatum...fuck off until you can tell the truth to all of us. Call your friend, and tell her the truth as you know it.

QuiteLikely5 · 29/03/2016 19:18

In your shoes I would absolutely invite your friends but not tell your dh. When they arrive they will likely ask for their belongings back then it will be up to your dh to explain.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/03/2016 19:19

I'd be deeply suspicious of my husband and his morals which do sound decidedly dodgy, you obviously know more about it but are turning a blind eye and have find in the past. People I've known in these relationships usually end up coming unstuck.

I'd tell your friends.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/03/2016 19:23

Sorry for you OP, your dh has done a number on friends of yours.

You can go along with him in his deceit or front up and admit to them that you are aware that he's a chancer.

You can't win either way but I'd be wary of being married to a cheating dickhead.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/03/2016 19:24
  • cheating as in doing over 'friends'.
BillSykesDog · 29/03/2016 19:26

If he knew that the items were of no value why would he offer to take them and 'research' them. He already knows about them right? If they're just common or garden versions of items he is a specialist in dealing with then there's nothing to research right?

Unless there was actually some value in them and your husband's nicked them, sold them and hopes they will be fobbed of that the 'expert' says they have no value.

And this Facebook 'stalking' of your business. Let me guess? More client(s) who felt DH had ripped them off and weren't happy?

He's a crook.

yorkshapudding · 29/03/2016 19:29

Are you ok, OP? Flowers

It must be difficult reading these responses, especially if you've spent a long time telling yourself that your DH's 'white lies' were just to protect others.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 29/03/2016 19:30

wonder who was stalking the business ?? Someone else who your charming dh was helping or ripping off

littleleftie · 29/03/2016 19:45

Agree with PP you seem quite flippant about what your DH has done.

You have to put pressure on him to fess up and cough up the money.

diddl · 29/03/2016 19:51

"If he knew that the items were of no value why would he offer to take them and 'research' them."

Yes, I was also wondering why he needed to take them!

So what was the plan, then?

To hope that the things were never mentioned again?

Deny all knowledge??

Did you never in all that time ask him how his "research" was going or if he'd contacted them about anything that he'd found out?

Dustyantique · 29/03/2016 20:03

Not RTFT, but...

Your DH has misappropriated them. He needs to get his finger out and replace them. Pronto.

^^ this.

But also, why was the offered research never done? How can you know they were sentimental value only if this wasn't done?

And rather obviously, if your DH is a dealer in these items, he would not offer to research something if it was sentimental value only, as there would be nothing for him to research.

It sounds to me like they perhaps were of value, and your DH knew it.

It sounds a pretty bad situation.

FWIW, I am also a bit of a dealer.

FlyRussianUnicorn · 29/03/2016 20:05

Best friend yet she doesn't have either of your numbers? How bizarre.

Throwingshadeagain · 29/03/2016 20:08

Oh my God I'm really shocked at this.

You really think he could have gone through the whole charade of searching garage for days and then pretending he knew nothing about it? As well as stealing from your best friend?

Damselindestress · 29/03/2016 20:21

You know your husband is dishonest. You have to decide whether you want to be associated with his dishonesty or distance yourself from it. Contact your friend, explain your husband has lost the items and that you are upset with him about this and offer to replace them. Your friend may be upset but not nearly as much as if you avoid the issue, which makes you look complicit in the theft. Tell your husband that he can't hide from this and needs to replace the items or your friend's husband would be within his rights to go to the police. Also reconsider being personally and professionally tied to someone who treats people like this as it reflects badly on you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with his lies?

SylviaWrath · 29/03/2016 20:24

Really? Your best friend, yet they don't have home or mobile phone number, you see them a couple of times in five years, and your husband steals from them and they never bothered to mention it?
That's your best friend? Hmm
Some friend you are. You're more bothered about the embarrassment of them showing up looking for their stuff and not much bothered about the fact that you helped your husband rob your friend.

NancyDecca · 29/03/2016 20:28

What would he do if this were a client and he no longer had items they had given to him to research?

Toffeelatteplease · 29/03/2016 20:34

That is not a white lie.

He sounds a very unpleasent man

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