to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

[Mumoftheark]

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

I am beginning to smell a rat as well. The lack of leave or weekends since September doesn't sound at all plausible. Are you sure he is seeing someone else or isn't already married?

He clearly isn't invested in the relationship with you or the children. Also, any man who puts his mother before his wife and children is not marriage material.

Alaskan that's just awful!

OP it could be even more heartbreaking for you if your DCs start to believe that there's something wrong with them that he chooses to not be with them.

I find this behaviour just odd. If my DH went to his DM for a day, he'd see it as a chance for her to see the DCs and take them with. She would be massively disappointed if he didn't.

I can't even imagine what the two of them would do together for a full day on their own? Does your DH and his DM blether over cups of tea? Or does he stuck the telly on? I'm morbidly curious.

I also don't understand his DM. You said your relationship used to be good. Can't she see she's potentially damaging her sons future?

You know he's going to blame you, don't you? He's going to tell you it's your fault your DS was so upset because you ruined things with your mood and you made him leave. I hope you have a really stinging response ready.

I don't know how you come back from the Christening absence. That's unforgivable. Here you are wondering if you should contact him in his birthday, and there he is not even bothering to contact you on your christening (a one off event).

I personally would not marry this man unless something dramatic changed. If I were you, I'd definitely, at the very least, postpone the wedding did a long time to have space to see the relationship with deeper insight.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

There's nothing whatsoever wrong with being with someone 11 years, 2 kids and not married.

It's extremely unusual in military circles though simply because you don't get the benefits of being an "army wife" unless you are actually married. Unless things have changed drastically very recently, the military simply won't recognise a relationship unless you are married.

Have you not found it difficult OP, that you're not entitled to married quarters, not entitled to move with him, wouldn't be called if something happened to him, would be entitled to recompense if something happened to him?

It hasn't changed Jolie. No marriage certificate no pad.

I think you are kidding yourself.he has another woman, if not even another wife and family.
Saying that he must have been at his DM because he brought home the hoover is naive- she would have texted hnto say it had arrived and he swumg by there to pick it up.

2 things to say.

Could the Dm be a smoke screen? It might be an excuse for him, and it suits him to keep you apart! So you don't communicate. Sorry if this has been discussed by pp.

My daughter is married to a drill sergeant, and he is away on exercise a lot. I don't believe my S-il is up to anything. But not commenting on tbe OP's partner.

I know it's easy to pass a comment, but I get the picture that your partner is not being honest with you. I believe him to be a sneaky snivelling cowardly liar.

I'm starting to wonder if this guy really is in the military. OP, can you start asking a few questions to his bosses, such as where he is...why he hasn't had time off etc. I am not sure if they will be open to answering them, but if you are a fiancé, then that's on the way to becoming a wife, and I would have thought you have some rights.

Blimey love, what an arse he is

The mum thing was bad enough. The letting your DC down when he hardly sees them was shocking. To miss your Christening though??? That would be absolutely unforgivable in my book.

Fine to flounce off in a strop for a bit but how could he just let you down so spectacularly on such a special day? That can never be made up for.

I agree that at the very least, you should postpone the wedding. It's not all going to suddenly improve just because you're married!

Oh and you wanted to know if you should wish him a happy birthday? Errrr NO!!!!! He flounced off. Ignore the twat!

I think causing emotional damage to the kids is a lot worse than missing an adult's baptism. Both are reprehensible but his cavalier treatment of his offspring is orders of magnitude worse.

OP, hope you are doing OK.

In my opinion, his treatment of his DC on Good Friday is far, far worse than missing the christening (which in itself is really shitty of him) but to let his DC down like that is unforgiveable - he ditches his child in favour of his mother? I'm also in the camp that he's likely having an affair. OP, you really need to LTB.

Thanks all.

MerryM lol he's definitely in the army Iv stayed in his block many times been to all the family days / balls etc.

With regards to his time off he did have Christmas leave but weekends he's always had Friday- Sunday off most weeks, since this posting in September he's alway home on a Saturday afternoon. Without saying exactly where he is what he does etc this particular posting is notorious for no time off, & the hours he's telling me he's working are typical of it & match what other wives are saying (unless they are all at he double life thing).

Marriage wise, he joined the Army almost 5 years ago before we had children. I wasn't sure if I wanted to live that life so we didn't get married before he went & I definitely didn't want housing and finance to be a reason to get married. I love where I live & even if I do decide to go ahead and marry him I don't plan on living on the patch. I love my life where it is and our little one starts school this year, I don't want him having to move about every 18-24 months.

We obviously have our issues I'm not in denial of that but I really don't think him having another family is one of them.

Iv just got off the phone to his mum. (She called to see how my DD was doing). He was definitely there Friday all day. She actually took my side and was disgusted by his actions - shock horror, he can usually do no wrong!

I didn't speak to him on his birthday!

I am glad that his mum is supportive of you, yes your problem is not his mum, but him and his behaviour. You really do need to postpone the wedding and think long and hard about whether you want a part time father and husband. One who lets his kids down, and would rather not be with them, is not marriage material. He has let you down, not being there for the most important event, I seriously don't think he is commitment material and he will go through with the marriage. Your kids and you deserve better than what this man is offering. What are your plans next. Nobody is telling you to leave him now, well some are, but do not marry him! Think about a future without him in it!!

If his mum really is disgusted, might it be worth seeing if you could forge closer ties with her? The only reason being that she might be able to offer you support.

Of course given her history she may actually prove to be more of a pain in the arse than a helpful source, but you might want to consider it.

Aero is right (hi BTW! ) - imagine a future without him. He's not around much anyway, would it really be so different? It might be the kick us the arse he needs to spend time with his DC.

Hi ohfour waves, how's little one doing?

I wouldn't be too heartened about anything his mum says tbh. She's probably telling him the opposite in a bid to encourage a split. I think I'd run for the hills from both of them.

Didn't you invite his mum to your christening?

We have been together 11 years and our main issue is and always has been his mum

No the main issue isnt his Mum, the main issue is your partner. I would seriously doubt if anything will ever change since he doesn't realise why you were so upset at him not coming home to see you and your children.

Fab advice, Astounding. I notice your advice was the one credited by the OP as being spot on.
I shall look out for your posts in future!

Wannabe and Alaskan sorry you went through such tough times

Op I really don't think this marriage is a good idea. He's massively let you all down this weekend and doesn't seem committed to the relationship, the fact he joined up when it wasn't what you wanted is also a red flag. I wonder if the children were planned.

But also you aren't willing to commit to him, forces isn't just a career it's a way of life, it's not for everyone (I wonder if part of the reason I married my ex is because I love the life myself but couldn't join up). Marriages/relationships where the non-forces partner isn't willing to fully commit to the life simply do not last. He could be posted anywhere in the world, certainly the other end of the country, where it would be completely impractical and probably financially impossible for him to be home every weekend or even once a month!

Merrym the idea that anybody from the forces would discuss him with his fiancé or even wife is ludicrous that just isn't something they're allowed to do unless he were seriously ill, injured or dead. As it is if anything were to happen to him at the moment it would all go through his mum and unless he has legally watertight documents in place any death benefits would go to his mum too, even his children wouldn't be recognised.

Regardless of you being snippy with him, his behaviour towards the dcs was just plain cruel. That's the bit I'd find it hardest to get past.
I wouldn't be making any more wedding plans for the time being.