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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

170 replies

Mumoftheark · 28/03/2016 21:38

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow Angry my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

OP posts:
Groovee · 29/03/2016 12:10

Please don't marry this man! You deserve so much better.

LeaLeander · 29/03/2016 12:51

IAmNotAMindReader has nailed it. Reread her post a few times, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2016 13:00

Op, he made his decision, he chose his mum, over his children and you. I think he is too coward to end it, and mabey waiting for you to do the deed. I would not be surprised if he does not go through with the marriage.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/03/2016 13:04

I agree Iamnotamindreader I think its time for you to accept the reality of the situation, and take control and do something about it. Do not subject your children to this anymore.

PrimalLass · 29/03/2016 13:10

I find it a bit odd, that you've been together for 11 years and have children, and you're not already married

ODFOD

AlaskanSnow · 29/03/2016 13:26

I'm the daughter of a man much like your partner. He was in the military, but he was also very lax when it came to me (not financially though).

Many times he didn't show for my contact time with him, and I can even now remember the heartbreak of standing on the sofa to look out the window having carried the clock with me and as the minutes ticked by saying to my Mum "He isn't coming, is he?"
I was the same age as your son is now, and that is my earliest memory. Please please do not let your children become accustomed to this.

My Mum would never tell me when he was due to come, so that if he did it was a bonus for me, and if he didn't then she would take me out for the afternoon. She protected me from the endless waiting and believing there must be something wrong with me if my own father didn't want to see me.

In my teenage years, he would promise me on the phone he would be at an event of mine, or that I'd see him at the weekend only to be let down time and time again.

Please, you've known this pain once. Don't let it happen again, either to you or your children.

Throwingshadeagain · 29/03/2016 13:36

Alaskan - that's really sad, I'm so sorry.

OP you sound like a level head, intelligent woman and a loving mother. Your husband hasn't grown up yet. He might do - some men do get with the programme later in life. But do you want to take that risk?

His mother is a piece of work and I agree that she's a very big problem in all of this. One of life's horrible ironies is that it's always the shit parents who do the guilt tripping in later life and your partner feels beholden to her forever even though she wasn't there for him.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 29/03/2016 13:42

You are just two different people OP. The emotional age gap between you is vast.

The only thing you have in common is that you can biologically reproduce humans.

He lets you down like alcohol, drugs and addictions let other people down. He has been your draw for too long. Time to go.

LindyHemming · 29/03/2016 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoblinLittleOwl · 29/03/2016 16:34

Dear OP, please don't blame everything on your partner's relationship with his mother; she is undoubtedly the cause of some of the unhappiness in your relationship, but he has a loving partner and children longing to be with him, yet deliberately chooses to be elsewhere, frequently. His behaviour over your christening was spiteful and calculated and has hurt you badly. This is him, not his mother; she just provides the bolthole.

Definitely postpone your wedding and think hard about a marriage; turn to your church family for comfort and support; there is nothing they haven't seen and won't help you with, when you need it.

Original poster
Mumoftheark · 29/03/2016 18:25

Thank you, I definitely have a lot to think about this week.
It's nice to have some support & understanding from people who are not on my side for the simple fact of being my friend. (I know you ladies would tell me the truth straight lol).

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 29/03/2016 18:27

OMG! This man is not at all invested in you or his kids is he?

TheHobbitMum · 29/03/2016 18:44

OP, I had a dad in the military and growing up without a Dad around was awful. If he's going to be away on exercise/ops and not bother when he can get home then you need to consider of this is fair in your kids. He's acting like a complete arse! He should be with you and kids first and foremost. I couldn't put up with what you have been living with :(

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 29/03/2016 18:56

bloody hell. Sod his mother. This man does not care about his own children. Do not marry him.

anotherbusymum14 · 29/03/2016 19:16

I don't normally say leave/get out quick, but your hubby-to-be ain't going to change.
I'm sorry but this is how it is and it will only get worse. He doesn't actually spend anytime with you anyway. It sounds like he struggles to stay connected to you and your kids, and that ain't going to change.
I'm sorry but he's not treating you all well and I don't think it gets any better than this.

grapejuicerocks · 30/03/2016 00:18

Have you spoken to him on his birthday op?

SoThatHappened · 30/03/2016 01:11

Threads like this make me eternally grateful I dumped my first bf. He didnt need a wife, he had one: his mother. She trumped everything.

I havent read the thread but when you have a family, they come first.

I would think twice about marrying him. He wont change. it will worsen as he ages.

SoThatHappened · 30/03/2016 01:12

Sorry, not he ages as she ages, i.e. his mum.

Baconyum · 30/03/2016 03:51

I'm from a family that's all military and married in and he's my dd's father. A few points

Imho most people that join the military are running away from something, an unhappy childhood, poverty, unemployment, crap home town, failed marriage...something. In fact nobody I know in the military and that's a lot of people, wasn't running from something. That means they're already dealing with 'issues'.

Military life is extremely tough on relationships, the hours, the expectations, the overseas commitments, training away from home etc. The marriages that do succeed in my experience were rock solid to begin with. The slightest crack is ripped open by the stresses of forces life.

It's really unusual for a long term relationship not being married this far in and with dc, I'm curious if that's from your side of things or his? Because on a practical level it's much better to be married than cohabiting and it's better financially too.

Even aside from the forces issues the Mil issue is a major one and he doesn't even admit that it is an issue let alone that it needs addressing. I also had nightmare in laws (who were also retired military) and they definitely contributed to the breakdown of my marriage.

My ex barely bothers with dd now, they haven't spoken in months (his choice) in hindsight he was always distant and detached.

Having been brought up by and around forces I would caution anyone considering marrying in to be certain the relationship was absolutely solid to begin with. Out of around 80-100 couples I know only 2 are still on first marriage.

anklebitersmum · 30/03/2016 04:18

Ok, so I am confused...

He's working away Mon-Fri but hasn't had a whole weekend off since September? Cancelled Christmas leave did they? I am assuming he's not posted operationally as you haven't said so and if he was he'd have had proper R&R not a random Friday

The last time I smelt heard this level of 'no leave ever' and 'can't get home' nonsense was just before someone discovered her 'forces' fiance was actually a civvie who had been shagging his way up and down the country for the past 7 years.

He's a twunt and a total cock-womble to be treating you and his children like he is.

Think twice and then think twice again before you even consider marriage to this guy.

TheDowagerCuntess · 30/03/2016 04:49

The mother problem is not going to go away without a huge amount of effort - and crucially, will - from him. In other words, it's not going to go away.

You've been witness to it for over a decade. This is who he is.

This is who you're marrying. Marriage is not going to change a thing - it will simply cement what's already in place.

anklebitersmum · 30/03/2016 05:23

Just saw that he's out on exercise and so comms are iffy.

Take the time to step back this week whilst you have a good long, hard look at what's actually what in your relationship and how much you know with certainty about leave and what he does where with work.

Brew
wannabestressfree · 30/03/2016 05:45

This is really identifying but....
My DS2's dad is still in the army and in no particular order....
Contracted an sti from a prostitute in Thailand. The rsm rang me when he was hospitalised.
Went on holiday two days after I had our son by section and my grandad had died. I had to go home by train with DS1 who is autistic.
Missed their christening as he was 'working' my friend saw him in a nightclub.
When DS3 died didn't come to the funeral.
Had another girlfriend his family knew about- he is now married to her..
I could go on....
He goes months without seeing the boys. DS2 was 15 this week and he sent him three cards.... two signed with his first name and one 'your biological dad'. I despair.
When I look back now I was so niave, ill prepared etc. I should have left months before I did. I was the shell of a person when I finally got home....
Anyway you sound far more together then I was.....you are right though letting you down is one thing but the children?

Milzilla · 30/03/2016 06:39

I agree with pp, don't put everything on the relationship with his mother.

He is letting you and the children down all on his own. I'm not one for frequently advocating ltb either but you definitely should. He's not really present as a husband/father is he?

kittybiscuits · 30/03/2016 06:52

His Mum is an irrelevance. Please don't make out that she broke your relationship. He broke your relationship by treating you and your DC like shit.

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