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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

170 replies

Mumoftheark · 28/03/2016 21:38

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow Angry my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/03/2016 23:11

Tabula has it right. That horrible sinking feeling is becoming frequent in your children's lives. That's no way to live

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 28/03/2016 23:17

Do not marry him.

99percentchocolate · 28/03/2016 23:17

I'm so sorry op, this sounds terrible.

Pease don't blame yourself either - if I'd been dealing with a 4 year old crying all day because their dad had let them down then I would be a little more than snippy with the dad when he showed his face too. You aren't to blame, he is. There was no reason he couldn't have seen his mum for a hour or two and then spent the rest of the day with his children.
He then chose to sulk and miss your baptism when he knew how much it meant to you.
It's awful.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2016 23:17

Do not marry this man, who puts his mum above you and your kids. You are nit his priority, there will be more of this, it will not change, but get worse. His behaviour this weekend has shown you how he sees you and the kids, it will end up consuming you. The fact he chose to spend the day with his mum, instead of being with his kids as promised, then skulks in when the kids are in bed, so he does nit have to face them, is disgusting and cowardice. He missed your very important day. It's not going to improve, he is the problem, not his mum, he does not have your back and your a part time partner.

Fratelli · 28/03/2016 23:17

Just another one saying pleasr don't marry him. For your children's sake. That is a disgusted way to treat children. He ought to be ashamed.

horseygeorgie · 28/03/2016 23:18

not good OP. really insensitive of him, the poor children. I don't usually go for the 'LTB' but you have to think long and hard about if you want to marry a man who can treat his children (to say nothing of his actions towards you) this appallingly.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2016 23:20

Your kids do not deserve this! No wonder you were angry at him when he finally rolled him from his mums, after dealing with a destraught child all day, I woukd have layed it into him quite thick. Does he always treat the kids like this!

austounding · 28/03/2016 23:22

Hugs for you OP, you sound like you're trying to be measured about it and being let down by your DP is a horrid situation.

If you don't trust yourself not to say something you regret, maybe write him an email that you can read and re-read before you send.

You already know it yourself but the texts to his mum aren't worth your hassle and don't achieve anything positive for you (guessing they didn't really make you feel better...)

I really hope your partner takes what you say on board and is willing to engage to fix this rather than turning it into a blame game between you. Good luck.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/03/2016 23:23

Not that I think his treatment of you was acceptable. It wasn't, he should have been at your christening. You can make the decision to leave him though, or to stay and know that he'll be flaky and pick his mum over you. It's a choice you can evaluate.

Your children can't. Your children will trust him for years, expect him to be there if he said he'd be. They can't chose not to be involved in this and it's such a horrendous feeling.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2016 23:24

He just does not get it, instead of apologising and trying to make it right, takes the cowards way out and goes back to mum. There you have it, when the going gets tough, instead of taking responsibility, go back to mummy. Is this what you and your kids deserve? Think very hard about getting married.

Original poster
Mumoftheark · 28/03/2016 23:26

The relationship with his mum needs therapy. He's an only child his father was extremely abusive and a drunk. His mum (IMO) also has drinking issues, but she sees it as she works hard why can't she enjoy a bottle of wine at every opportunity possible. As a child she sent DP away a lot, so she could work and to get him away from his dad. He was moved around and she wasn't really there for him when he was little. As an adult she got her life together & is almost making up for the time she wasn't there. DP spent most of his life caring for his mum and her breakdowns and situations, even bailing her out financially until a few years ago. She plays the victim even when she's not, & because he's so used to her being one he jumps to her rescue & tries to be the person to make her happy constantly. When he doesn't she lays on the guilt so thick it's disturbing.

I think a part of him joined the Army to get away from her & her issues.

He doesn't understand why I was so upset about Friday - he doesn't understand that actually if DS wouldn't have been totally devastated I wouldn't have been that bothered. I get he wanted to see his mum before his birthday (kind of), but you know what it's like, when your children hurt you hurt for them even more. He didn't see DS upset or crying on the Friday so probably thinks i was exaggerating.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 28/03/2016 23:27

I wouldn't. What a shit partner and father he is.

anotherbusymum14 · 28/03/2016 23:28

So sorry. He acts like a kid. He needs to man up or go. Really sorry that he treats you all like that. Very odd and very immature.

Original poster
Mumoftheark · 28/03/2016 23:30

He was such a giving man, since the Army he's become so selfish it's ridiculous. I don't doubt he loves our children, but he's not as attached to them as a normal dad that sees them daily would be. There's nothing & I mean nothing that could keep me away from my children all week / months sometimes. If I'm away for a few hours I'm calling to check in I don't understand it

OP posts:
anotherbusymum14 · 28/03/2016 23:33

He's an adult now, a dad, and about to be husband but definitely your partner. Even with all that history and background with his parents, he is a grown up and he needs to grow up. He's not at home with mum anymore and it's not time to make up for lost time. He's an adult. He needs to grow up or miss out.

austounding · 28/03/2016 23:36

Even with all that history and background with his parents, he is a grown up and he needs to grow up

This too.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/03/2016 23:39

He is now a dad, who needs to be with his chikdren and partner, not mum. His priority should be with you. I would sit him and talk to him, tell him in a calm and measured way, how his actions made your ds and you feel, that you want him to put his kids and yiu first. If he cannot do that, you cannot be with him.

Duck90 · 28/03/2016 23:39

Would you like a daughter of yours to be treated in this way? I would forget the mum in this and look at him (your future). It won't get any better.

cees · 28/03/2016 23:39

He is basically spelling it out for you, he does not care about you or your children all that much. Don't let him away with breaking his kids hearts at every opportunity because his mum wants to make up for lost time, she had her time when he was a child now it's his children's time to have a parent and he is doing as she did and wasting it.

LongHardStare · 28/03/2016 23:44

OP can you write him a letter so you can explain why you were upset for DS on Friday, about how hurt he was, about the christening too. It may give him an opportunity to reflect without it just being an argument. If he doesn't come back with a heartfelt apology after receiving such a letter, I'd agree with others on the thread that maybe it is time to return the ring.

cees · 28/03/2016 23:51

I wouldn't bother contacting him, if your son wants to then I'd get him to make a card and tell him he can give it to him when he is home.

The man is a fool, don't play his games. He chose to disappoint his son, not you so don't feel guilty for not ringing him on his birthday. He deserves to be ignored as he ignored your christening and his own children because of his mummy issues.

Really think about marrying him and how you will feel when he sods off to his mum's whenever she calls because he will and your kids will always be left disappointed .

grapejuicerocks · 28/03/2016 23:52

If he was that desperate to see his mum, then he should have taken his son with him to avoid disappointing him. Or even come home early to see ds. There are compromises.

I get that he is more distant from his kids than he should be due to his part time status. He was passed from pillar to post as a kid so he's had no experience of normal family life or normal parent/child dynamics. It's worth being straight with him that this disregard for his kids, and your feelings needs to change or the relationship is not going to survive. It's worth giving him a second chance, spelling out what he needs to do. You might also want to stipulate counselling to get over his dysfunctional childhood. He needs to be told how to parent and he needs to know it's make or break. His reaction to this conversation is key. Is he willing to put his child's needs before his own and his mothers?

A pp above suggested putting it all in writing. That might not be a bad idea.

MrsEvadneCake · 29/03/2016 00:03

The fact he works away is not the reason why he behaves that way towards the children. My husband works away mon-fri and still has an excellent bond with our DC because he wants one. Your partner does not. He has let them down and you. I wouldn't marry him. He is showing you that you and the children are not important. You need to show the children that they are important and stop him from hurting them and you by not staying with him. Value yourself and them above this and be with someone who will be an equal partner and give you love and respect.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2016 00:03

If you marry him then be prepared for more of this miserable shit

You have been warned

LeaLeander · 29/03/2016 00:04

"we have a great relationship, our only issue is his mum."

yes, and other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play??

Please. You have a manboy who is indifferent to and will desert his own children multiple times in a single weekend (I agree with the poster who said mum is a red herring & that he just doesn't want to be around the kiddies) and leave them sobbing, be rude and antagonistic to the mother of his children, pout, put his own needs before anyone else's, etc. etc. I guarantee if you marry him you will spend many a miserable hour ruing that day. It sounds like a very unhealthy, immature relationship and a horrid situation for the poor children.

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