to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

[Mumoftheark]

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

Take your time. Don't feel obliged to contact him just because it's his birthday. I'm sure you don't really wish him a happy one anyway as he doesn't deserve it. He also doesn't deserve to be privvy to the chicken pox info.

He is not husbabd material I'm afraid. His mother will likely always come first and he's shown you exactly what he thinks of you by ignoring your baptism.

He puts his mum above his children, and you come last.,not a good father, I woukd not be marrying him op.

Don't. Marry. This. Twat

He's acting like a child. Just awful behaviour. Really if someone can treat their kids like this it speaks volumes about who they are as a person

From your pov I'd say he's not that bothered, marrying him will make no difference to the shit he pulls.
That he's done this to your dc's makes me angry on your behalf. He is no father to do this to them. To drop out on your eldest is bad, to drop out of family life when you have ill dc's is unforgivable. He's spent his weekend being pampered by mummy? Leave him there. And I would have let him explain to eldest dc why he wasn't coming home on the phone in the first place rather than just leaving it to you!

It's disgusting the way he has treated his kids your poor ds crying he has a very creepy relationship with his mother.
Please don't be stupid and marry this man. You are fully aware what he is like,don't choose to be Miserable for the rest of your life.

He obviously doesn't care about you or the children as he didn't want to come home whilst they were awake. Maybe he should live with his mum?

Hopefully he'll also get the Chickenpox...

My grandma used to say that when you marry a man, you marry his mother so you'd better love her as much as you love him. Its only now that I see how wise those words are, after having a MIL who has been a bloody nightmare.

Do you really want to be the OW in this relationship? Because thats what you are, sadly :(

Drop his stuff at mummies, she can have him. You don't want a part time husband!

It seems to me that he didn't really want to go to your christening and was looking for any excuse to not go. It sadly shows where his priorities lie - with his mother and not you.
I really would not be marrying him if I were you and I wouldn't be wishing him a happy birthday either.

Umm instead of talking to him face to face send him a letter and put in it everything that you would have said but without the emotion.

You don't have a good relationship.

He has treated you and your DC like shit. He doesn't care that he has left his poor DC in tears. This weekend was so you can marry him!

It won't get better if you get married.

Please do not marry this man. You and your DC will always come second to his mother and you all deserve better than that.
Let Mommy Dearest sort the wet lettuce's birthday out.

I have no proper advice other than what has been said already but I will never understand these types of men who cannot be bothered to ring and ask about their children.

If mine goes to nursery I feel like my left arm has been cut off and want to know all about his day, how some men can go days/ weeks without asking is beyond me.

I'm afraid he has shown his true colours though and if it were me I wouldnt bother contacting him again, I'd leave his stuff at his mother's to her delight too, he'd be doing you a massive favour if he didn't get in touch again. Your children don't need to be treated like shit.

What a horribly selfish man. He's clearly got used to being a very part time family man and isn't used to putting himself out for you lot. I can't see that changing, can you?

Another one saying I don't often jump to LTB but you should L this B. Honestly, what a dick. Your poor son being so upset all day and to not come to the christening. Ridiculous and cruel.

He hurt his children by letting them down and deciding not to see them.
He hurt you by not attending your baptism.
He has no interest in even pretending to be sorry.
Marrying him wont make you and your children happy.

Kids trump parents always. Infact kids trump anyone else in the world and I couldn't be with somone who didn't believe that too.

I'm a stepmum and his kids come before either of us that's just how we parent.

The only contact you need to make is to tell him that you really need to reconsider marrying him.

He sounds like a really poor father, don't keep subjecting your son to rejection.

I also would worry that all the excuses to have time away means you aren't his only relationship. Do you speak directly to his mum to know he was there? Why doesn't he invite you to visit with him? Something doesn't sound right there.

I would tell him you are "postponing" the wedding by text rather than wishing him a happy birthday. Or cancelling, it's up to you.

I've been around a lot of army types and this deeply selfish and immature inability to see beyond their own needs doesn't seem unusual, sadly.

Is he having an affair? He seems to be very detached from the family, to go on Saturday and not come back. I would phone his Mum and drop into conversation about what did they do when they spent the day together etc. See if he really was with her.

What a twat. Your poor DS.

Don't marry him, run away! Dump his stuff with his mother. You'd be well out of it. Selfish git

Not coming to your christening is unforgivable.