to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

[Mumoftheark]

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

He's already left you and the kids for his mum . He chose her over you all on your big day . Change the locks and dump
His stuff outside with Happy Birthday you wanker on post it notes .

Seriously you can do so much better and deserve more than him . As do your kids.

Tell him to enjoy his first single birthday in a while.

If after 14 years you don't come top, you never will. But not only will you not come top, your children won't either - he will let you all down to keep his mum happy. And he could have kept everyone happy by visiting her for a bit of the day and then coming to you to keep his promises and see his family.

I don't think he's as into this wedding anyway, though - leaving to go back to work suggests he only really came home to see his mum.

If you have the means to; I'd take the kids out for the day on his birthday.
While your out get the locks changed and leave his shit in the door.
I keep thinking about your op and it makes me angry for you.

You did go in a mood with him for him spending time with his mum, yes he shouldnt have told the kids hed be there that day that is totally wrong, yes he should have explained to the kids, but if your were in a mood with him and you dont see him that often thats probably why hes fecked off, either that or hes screwing someone else.

Shazz I'd be going in more than a mood if my DH let my dd Down like that.

Going against the grain but....

Is the story really this black and white? People can behave like right twunts when they are mardy or angry, even to their LOs. It doesn't necessarily mean you should LTB... definitely think seriously and discuss with him, but don't jump to conclusions.

If you don't text him happy birthday tomorrow, the row will continue to fester with no dialogue between the two of you. One interpretation of the situation......:

• he went to see his mum on Friday and let down his kids and wife. This is a long-running issue. He probably is quite defensive about it/up for an argument about it.
• you made pointed comments on Friday night and Saturday about it
• he took this badly and walked out. From his POV you are the "baddie" who won't let him be and are spoiling a perfectly nice weekend as there is no reason to be upset about his actions
• He feels justified in missing your christening because of this. He feels YOU should have reached out to HIM as he has nothing to be sorry about - you caused the argument by your bad mood!
• You, on the other hand, think he started the whole thing with his choices on Friday. You are massively hurt that he let down your kids and missed your christening.
• You feel justified in not wishing him happy birthday because of this. You think HE should reach out to you and the kids and apologise......

FWIW, the issue with his mum is clearly a problem and needs to be sorted. He was being massively U to walk out on his kiddies and miss your christening. BUT ultimately if you love each other, one of you has to reach out with an olive branch first. And properly reach out, with the aim of solving the underlying issues without blaming or sniping - someone has to make the first step!

I'm not saying you have to. I get that you're more "in the right" here. But in a marriage or partnership, being right isn't really the point. Being back on the same team and respecting each other is the ultimate goal - and you have to achieve that through dialogue and explaining to him how hurt he made you feel, apologising for sniping (yes I know it was provoked and it's hard to be the bigger person when he has hurt you and the kids like this), and explaining why you sniped (without excusing yourself or blaming him).

If you aren't willing to engage him like that, or if he isn't willing to engage in the above with you, then you have to think about whether you both want this and where you go from there. Sorry you had such a rubbish weekend and congrats on your christening

If it was YOUR birthday tomorrow, what would he do?

Are you sure it was his mum he was choosing over you and your children?

Not his penis?

(Also familiar with a particular army type who sounds very similar to your 'd'p)

I honestly don't think an affair is the issue. Obviously I could be wrong but I know the relationship & the pressure he gets from his mum and that it's quite "normal" for him to need to spend the day with her.
I know he was with his mum on Friday as we ordered a new Hoover that ended up being delivered to his mums and he came back with it. His mum is constantly telling him Iv spoilt their relationship / that I am trying to keep him away from her (chance would be a fine thing). My relationship with his mum used to be really good - we were really close infact, then we moved in together and all hell broke lose. He's an only child.

She tx me on Sunday (knowing full well I was upset about Friday) saying happy Easter I hope the DCs are having a lovely day .... I responded saying thanks, would have been happier if DP didn't walk out yesterday leaving DP devastated for the second day in a row. I told her he missed my baptism and that he let his family down this Easter Followed by, however I am making sure they are having a lovely day...... She did not reply.

Mum still seems to be a red herring but you know the relationship.

Wouldn't take five minutes to pick up the Hoover.

Do you speak to his mum directly regularly? Has she told you she has a problem with you or is it all him doing the telling?

Why exactly are you with this excuse of a man

It sounds to me more like he's using his mum as an excuse to avoid the family.

Some forces guys can be quite detached from their families and not that invested.

32 ? Sorry OP, but at 32 he is all the man he is ever going to be .

Chillyegg, i know what your saying but if he has a really close relationship with his mum?

Are you sure he doesn't just go for a day at his mum's when he fancies some down time away from the kids?

I can believe she pressures him to go see her, but he could limit the visit to a normal length of time if he wanted to.

What a prick. Would I fuck be texting him happy birthday and I wouldn't be marrying him either. He is a self centred, untrustworthy, unreliable partner and he's a shit dad too. Your poor kids.

Our children both absolutely adore him, my DS was so upset on Friday ....

All kids adore their parents. It doesn't mean they deserve the adoration. Your ds is being damaged by this 'Dad' of his.

God he sounds a twunt.

You have every right to be hurt and angry and just, well, hurt that your partner shows such a lack of love and caring for the woman he's supposed to be wanting to spend the rest of his life with.

I do think it's gone too far now for it to be good for you or the relationship to brush it all under the behaviour. His choices have hurt his partner and children. It's just not acceptable and it makes my hackles rise and I'm just reading about it!

How dare he deliberately miss your Christening?! I can imagine what an important and precious moment that would be and he is so selfish to decide that his mood gives him liscence to piss all over it. And the same with making your children upset. He's saying 'I am more important than anyone else and you must all cowtow to me'. Ugh. Horrible man :(

But you also don't have to let it all snowball to a forgone conclusion, necessarily. Can you arrange to meet him to talk about what's happened, and why it needs to never happen again? After the initial bluster, it might end with an apology and some awareness of what needs to be done differently. From his response you'd be able to tell a lot... If he's using it as a way to hurt you and make sure you don't step out of line again... Well, you can cross that bridge if it happens.

Poor you, I don't know you but I'm pretty sure I do know that you're worth more than this,

Shazz I have a close relationship with my mum but I'm not dumping my kids at the weekend so I can be treat like I'm 8 again.

Iv had it out directly with his mum MANY times!

Austanding you are bang on. I know him and he is thinking exactly what you said. The main reason I haven't been in touch yet is because I'm really hurt and angry. I know if I get in touch while I'm feeling like this I will just blast him & I'm trying to deal with this without so much rage and emotion to sort it out properly. (Finding this hard). I definitely made comments - he came home happy to see me, with a big bag of Easter eggs for the kids from his mum ready for a nice Saturday together. I was offish and snippy without a doubt. I am not entering into marriage lightly, neither am I willing to throw it away lightly, but the disappointment my son had to face this weekend literally broke my heart. Also to miss my baptism was horrendous. He really spoilt it as all I was thinking about was how angry I was and how much I hated him at that moment. I felt like a fraud talking about forgiveness in the church when in my heart I don't know how I'm going to get over this. Iv wanted to be baptised for such a long time, (even before we got engaged so it wasn't something I did just for the wedding). It was such a big step for me to take and I wanted him there to share such a major moment in my life. I kept looking for him in the congregation as I thought there was no way he wouldn't come, I'm still in shock.

Don't do it.
He will always be the father to your children and how big a part is down to him. You deserve a better partner.

"It was such a big step for me to take and I wanted him there to share such a major moment in my life. I kept looking for him in the congregation as I thought there was no way he wouldn't come, I'm still in shock."

That feeling there...that's potentially what you're setting your DC up for over and over again if you go ahead and marry him knowing that he'll let them down because his mum wants company or because he's arguing with you...or whatever other potential reason he's going to do it for, because if he'll let you and them down for those reasons it's not going to be a one off.

Do not marry him. The usual " when someone shows you what they are believe it" applies. Can I make a wild generalisation - I know there are happy military wives BUT domestic abuse / unsatisfactory relationships in that situation are huge in the statistics - I don't know if it's cause - it's a bloody odd, stressful , traumatising day job for a start , or simple correlation in that it attracts slightly odd people who can't handle relationships well....

No way I'd say happy birthday!! He walked out, leave him to it. You sure he's not having an affair?

No way should you marry this man. How he treated his son... I have no words. I'm livid for your child, I cannot imagine how I would feel if my DH let one of our children down in this way. I don't think I could ever look at him again.