to not contact DP on his birthday tomorrow?

[Mumoftheark]

Hiya, my fiancé is in the military and since September has not had a full weekend home. (He also works away Monday - Friday). We have 2 children aged almost 4 and 1. He was given good Friday off and had hyped our eldest up the previous week saying he was going to be at home etc etc. Friday comes and he says as its his birthday on Tuesday his mum wants to spend the day with him - not a few hours THE DAY! He has a seriously unhealthy I would say co dependent relationship with his mum. When she doesn't get what she wants she stamps her feet and puts the worst guilt trips on him until he either buys her flowers or finds a ridiculous way to make her happy - I feel like he has a wife sometimes!
Anyway he went to his mums straight from his camp and arrived at 10.30am. I asked what time he would be home and he said not until after the kids had gone to bed, so tell our eldest I'll be home tomorrow my DS spent most of good Friday crying because daddy said he was coming home and didn't.

When he got home around 8.30pm - kids sleeping I was in a mood (I think rightfully). He totally didn't understand why. The bad atmosphere went into Saturday morning. I was getting christened on Saturday evening - something really important to me, also something I needed to go for us to marry in our church as planned in December. After a few back and forth comments on Saturday about the previous day (nothing major) he got up and said I don't need this I'm going. He got up packed his bag and went back to work. Our DS sobbing! I honestly thought he was just going to cool off, but he didn't come back, he missed my Christening, and I'm absolutely devastated.
I haven't heard from him since.

It's his birthday tomorrow & I know he's not contacting me because he knows I "have to" get in touch then. It's not even about tit for tat, but I'm so hurt I don't think I can bring myself to get in touch with him tomorrow - birthday or not. I don't know what to say to him. Iv tried all day to think of what to text him and I have no words.

Our youngest has come out in chicken pox today (expected - our eldest is coming to the end of his). I feel I should tell him - also saying that he should be getting in the phone to see how his children are.

Any advice?

Should I be calling to say happy birthday tomorrow?
AIBU in this situation?

Help please xxx

Also if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then postpone the wedding no matter the outcome of this situation, postpone until you are absolutely sure he will prioritise his family unit over the demands of his mother.

I would put a year on the original date and tell him you will let his actions in this coming year see if he is worth marrying.

And keep in mind if you cut your losses on this relationship you are still young enough to perhaps meet another man and get a positive role model into your children's lives. If you waste five or 10 more years on him the pickings will be a lot thinner.

I am NOT one to suggest every woman must have a man or that it is something a woman should scheme about but I do believe kids need a positive male figure in their lives and sorry, he's not going to be it. He's going to disappoint them at every turn just as he does now and create the same attachment & trust issues in them that he apparently has now. Is that what they deserve? I don't think so.

I would write him a letter, telling him how you feel, how you felt, seeing your DS so disappointed and heartbroken.
Not apologizing for your being 'snippy', not saying happy birthday, just telling him what you need from a life partner, the person who should be a rock for you and your children, and that you should be his rock, the two of you together. And he had not shown you this.

Don't marry him.
He's hardly home anyway, and spends his time off with his mum. this way, he will have to make time to see his DC.
Why couldn't his mum come to you on the Friday? or you all go there?

Missing your significant life event is unforgiveable.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your reply's.
Before reading your reply's I was starting to doubt myself to be honest. He always makes me feel like his relationship with his mum is normal and that I'm being unreasonable when in my heart I know it's not the case.
I agree totally that he's a man now & needs to grow up. It's so frustrating.

I don't want to be unforgiving & hang onto anything, but at the same I'm not a doormat & my little ones come first so I can't keep making excuses for his behaviour & can't just let this one go - birthday or not.
When it comes to communicating about anything serious he is rubbish. He either makes a joke (his positive is he's hilarious & even when I'm really upset or angry & don't want to laugh he ends up making me & then it breaks the importance of the issue). Either that or he just cuddles me & says he's sorry but it's more to move forward than a genuine apology if you know I mean.
I'm tempted to speak to the vicar that's due to marry us & ask for some assistance / pre marital counselling ..... something. If I'm going to marry him we need to address these issues now & I think having a mutual 3rd person would help. (Either that or I'll show him these messages & he can see I'm not alone in thinking he's an arse).

I'm not just going to LTB while I'm in a rage, however I'm seriously considering if he is the man I need and want not just for my children but for me as well. The fact he missed my baptism has hurt me beyond what I can repair alone or with time. The mum issues have also gone on for faaaaaar to long, & now my son is getting older and being effected by them I need to put a stop to it.

I sent him a wassap last night to tell him about our little one. He's on exercise (living in a field) this week so reception is rubbish and he has not yet seen the message. Once he has I will know and will go from there. Birthdays are precious & I always make a big deal out of them, but his time I can't. I know his mum will call me a bitch and will tell everyone that will listen that I didn't contact him on his birthday and he will think the same but there are bigger things to deal with here than his birthday - you have all made that clear.

Anyway will keep you posted - I currently have a chicken pox riddled 1 year old poking me in the eye, & a 3 year old needing me to make a train set lol.

Thanks again everyone xxxx

You made a mistake having children with this man if his mum has always been a problem. Don't compound the mistake by making a second one by staying in this relationship or a third one by marrying him. Seriously.

The reason you don't argue op is because he's never there, you don't have a relationship neither do the kids with him. It's stunningly vile that a dad thinks it's ok to treat his ds like that, and don't get me started on his mum.

Why do you expect so little for you and these children of yours?

Oh, I definitely wouldn't marry him.

I find it a bit odd, that you've been together for 11 years and have children, and you're not already married, however, I think you've dodged a bullet there (excuse the pun).

He's never there for you or the children. What would you gain by marrying him? Don't you want a man who is actually there?

Fwiw, I dated a soldier, and ime, they do not go away for 6 months and stay celibate. Could there be anyone else? Hope not. But no, don't marry him.

Put the wedding back 6 or 12 months and tell him that he has to get some proper counselling to sort out his issues. If he won't take responsibility for his behaviour and get some help; don't marry him.
If you want to write to him (or if you speak to him) one way of conveying your anger and hurt without accusing him is to use the "when you did x, I felt y" formula. e.g.
"When you didn't show upfor my Christening I felt that you didn't care about me and the things that are important to me."

I think the military have some in-house support services too. Would they help?

I'm gobsmacked. I can't believe he could be so callous to his children who were excited to see him. You know what... Even if he's so desperate to see his mother (and FWIW I'm really close to mine and would want to see her) why couldn't he at least take his children with him? So that they can see their grandma and their dad, and he can see his mother and his children. Or invite his mother to spend the day with all of you? Why just take off and spend the whole day solely with her? My mother would want to see her grandchildren too.

He needs to understand that you don't have a problem with him spending time with his mum per se, just not at his children's (and yours) expense. You've put up with it up til now because so far it's only you that has been affected. Now it's your children it has to change. Drum that into him.

Look OP He's literally screaming in your face that he doesn't want to be in this relationship but he hasn't got the guts to end it.
This event was a significant milestone towards you both getting married and he wasn't to be seen for dust. That alone says more than words ever can. You know you argued about nothing, he used it as an excuse to get out.

He isn't mature enough for family life and never will be.

You argue when the realities of being in a relationship and the fact that there are 2 points of view to consider and compromises to make rears its head.
Calm down and really think about this. He chose his mother over you. He chose his mother over his children. You don't have a relationship and you need to protect your children from that heartbreak. In the long run for them it will be less painful as they already only see him part time due to the nature of his job. The only thing I would change to protect them from his no shows would be to not tell them when he is supposed to come round so they aren't sat waiting by the window for a no show. Then if he does turn up its a bonus. As they get older they will realize but that's his look out, his relationship with them is there for him to nurture or ruin all of his own doing you can't force him to act like a father.

Its beginning to seem like he likes playing at being a grown up and is going through the motions of having a family because he wants to join the club but its not what he wants and he isn't equipped to deal with it.

He is starting to realize this isn't a game and you take it seriously and he can't cope with that and is looking for a way out but he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's going to behave like a complete tosser and cause utter destruction until you set him free. That way he gets all the sympathy of having a failed relationship and being a weekend dad and none of the fallout for being a cunt. He sees himself as the good guy and you're the ball and chain trying to tie him down and make him old before his time. Why can't you be more fun? Well priorities shift when you have kids and they have to come first. He doesn't like that, he wants to be the center of attention again and so has run back to mummy.

Due to his relationship with is mother he really is in no way equipped to have a proper adult partnership and tbh they both know it but they will paint you as the bad guy for not being able to walk over broken glass and achieve the impossible.

*plenty of people have close relationships with their parents but when they have a family of their own manage widen that circle to include the grandkids in everything, not exclude them.

The question is, do you really want yourself and your children to live and deal with these scenarios for the rest of your lives?

So he's basically replicating with his kids the relationship his dad had with him? Yes, he could do with some counselling on this issue. However, it's up to him to work on this, and it's not your responsibility to fix him.

I wouldn't get in touch. He will either realise how much he has f*ed up or it will makw you see that this is not a man you shooukd marry. He has been so hurtful towards you and his children. I would also be tempted to send a text to the mil telling her what impact their actions have had on your children and your relationship.

Do not marry him. Please.

Tbh, I would assume that he has left you.

You've already contacted him, and he's ignoring you. I certainly wouldn't bother contacting him again, it's his turn. I wouldn't marry him, he's been a complete cock to you and the kids. He can be with his mummy until he grows up, if ever. I'd consider this a break up tbh.

Do you really want to end up in another country where you may not speak the language and be depending on this manchild? (I admit to some bias because I so nearly married a soldier, but didn't because of very similar issues to yours). My mother, grandmother, aunt etc were all military wives so I know how hard it can be, even with a good, supportive partner. Throw a dickhead Mummy's little Soldier into the mix and it can all go horribly wrong.
Of course, he may well be trying to provoke a fight so he can avoid getting married.
Personally I'd be phoning him on his birthday to let the kids speak to him, but I'd also be reviewing my options.

This is awful behaviour and his mother is facilitating it. Why could t she come and see you st Easter if she wanted to see her DS? Didn't she want to see her grandchildren?

The christening is unacceptable.

I can't see a way back from this to be honest - particularly as he doesn't see there's an issue

Sounds like such a twat

There's nothing & I mean nothing that could keep me away from my children all week / months sometimes. If I'm away for a few hours I'm calling to check in I don't understand it

I don't think this is really the issue. Plenty of men have jobs that may mean they are away from their families for long periods of time, it doesn't mean they don't care; in the army in particular, it may well be impossible to keep calling home. Your issue is really the fact that when he had an opportunity to be at home, and his son was looking forward to seeing him, he wasn't there.

Op I think you have answered your own question, tge scales are finally falling from your eyes. I think it would be sensible to postpone the wedding. Yes you said you don't want to LTB whilst in a rage, but these issues haven't just happened, their the culmination of years of issues and problems surrounding him. And him missing one of the most important events in your life, hit home how he really thinks about you and his kids. Him letting his ds down tgat he could not face him, and took a cowards route instead of facing him. That is not a man I woukd want to have as my life partner. The relationship he has with his mum is a huge factor, but his behaviour towards you, and the kids is not that of a loving supportive husband and father, your kids deserve more than this.

You said that you have tried talking about this to him in the past, but he does not take it seriously, or acknowledge it even! You and the kids will always be second and third fiddle to his mother, is that what you want, think very very long and hard!

He could have compromised, and taken your ds with him to grannie for a few hours, or gran come to yours, instead he chose to detach himself from his kids and partner, and run to his mummy, and thinks your in the wrong, when you are quite rightly angry with him, and misses your baptism as he's at mummies again. Sorry op, you have an adult child on your hands, not a decent father or partner. He made his decision op, mummy first. You need to move on from him now, he will never change.