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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

162 replies

Tallulahoola · 28/03/2016 20:46

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

OP posts:

lavenderdoilly · 30/03/2016 11:21

How silly and childish they are being.So sorry you are having this drama. If you're little one wants you at the party (had same thing myself ), then you go and be there for her. And it makes everything easier if you take bf baby too. And then, when it's done you can have family time together at home (with or without gritted teeth). MIL can get her fix while you have a shower or whatever and dh plays with the party girl.

coconutpie · 30/03/2016 11:36

Hope you're ok I haven't been able to stop thinking about your situation - it's so distressing. Take your DD to the party and bring your DS with you. And you need to have it out with your husband. Also, he says that your 4mo is clingy - does he ever look at his own stupid mother and not think she's the fucking clingy one? Bloody idiot.

All these responses must be upsetting but you are the reasonable one, your husband and MIL are not.

coconutpie · 30/03/2016 11:38

To add - I would also be stopping MIL's visits altogether until she can act like a normal person. No way would I be able to put up with that shit from her or subject my DC to that emotional blackmail crap (such as bursting into tears when your DD wants 5 mins away from her). That is not a healthy GP / GC relationship, if anything it's a damaging one.

Notagainmun · 30/03/2016 11:43

Your MIL is a self centred evil witch. Your husband is both a coward and a bully and what he did to your baby is abuse. You need to get your inner lioness into gear and protect your children from these to weirdos.

lavenderdoilly · 30/03/2016 11:45

Being an MIL is tricky especially if you "only" have sons. But you keep shit like that to yourself and you are guided by the actual parents' preferences. You don't try and mess with your son's mind to impose your ideas of parenting on your DIL. Your MIL needs to back off and your DH needs to grow up.

ptumbi · 31/03/2016 10:17

In addition to your poor tiny baby screaming hysterically for 4 hours, surely, OP, you were in pain for 4 hours (not to mention at risk of mastitis)? My boobs would have exploded if I didn't feed regularly.

Your H would prefer to see two of the most precious things in his life in pain, rather than upset his mum?

sunshinesummer · 31/03/2016 10:25

FWIW, my DD would not take a bottle. When she was 7 months, I was needing to return to work, and the only way we got her to take a bottle, was for me to go out for the evening. Removing me from the picture, and we got our break through. Worth trying, when you are ready.

LifeCrossRoad · 31/03/2016 10:32

Let DH and MIL take DD to the party and you stay at home cuddled up with DS feeding. It would be good for your daughter to go with DH and gives you space. Depending on how long til mil gets here, you need a talk with DH before of after about this behaviour

HazelBite · 31/03/2016 10:42

Of course your DH and MIL are being off the scale unreasonable, the OP should ignore anything that isn't right for her baby.

However on the subject of a breast fed baby taking a bottle, I was told by a very experienced midwife that being happy to take a bottle it is something that can keep a baby out of hospital, the scenario being that a little one gets norovirus or similar and loses far too much fluid will not take a bottle to replace this and ends up in hospital on a drip.

Toria2014 · 31/03/2016 17:42

Your DH needs to grow the fuck up.

RedToothBrush · 31/03/2016 18:05

He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap

I'm sorry I don't see where the problem is here.

She has a manchild to sit on her lap whilst the OP goes to the party with her children.

Her husband can use the time to reflect on his real age.

Pooseyfrumpture · 11/04/2016 18:42

So OP, what happened at the party?

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