To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

[Tallulahoola]

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

[paddlenorapaddle]

^^ crikey what coconut said

In the wider sense of the situation your boundaries are way too low. Why this defaulting to your husband crap, just take your baby back ! You are the mother and that role is sacrosanct irreplaceable in a ebf role, you know what your baby needs don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

So YANBU

Next time you discuss this with your husband explain to him that using/teaching children to appease adults like this opens them up to abuse because they feel like they can't say no it's a terrible message to teach your children

Please for your children's sake you know them best of all have confidence in yourself and your decisions tell them to bugger off in no uncertain terms

[sportinguista]

My DS was a bottle refuser, and dummies too. He would have none of it. Thankfully my MIL was the opposite and would have been shocked if I hadnt BF. She did think he might take a dummy but we both gave up after a while as DS would just look at us with this look of suspicion.

Stick to your guns. He is a tiny baby he needs food very frequently. This is how he gets it. Your MIL needs and wants come second. She needs to grow up quite frankly.

[Nanny0gg]

She needs to grow up quite frankly.

So does her son...

[JolseBaby]

Your DH and your MIL do realise that they are actual tiny little people, not dolls that you can play with?

Does your 'D'H seriously think that denying a baby food and making him cry just so that your MIL can hold him is a good idea?

Christ on a bike you have bigger problems than your MIL. I would have a serious problem staying married to someone who thought that this was a good idea. What a dick.

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

What an absolute shit your husband was.

I can't add anything more than what has already been said multiple times. But I will say that the sooner you get boundaries in place with MIL the sooner the inevitable fallout will all be over and things will start to be more civilised and to your liking. You have a lifetime co-parenting with this man and his mother will be around for a lot of that. Start to think more long term.

[CPtart]

I'd be trying to reign in the MIL contact, not encourage it. Especially if her one and only effort at childrearing has produced someone with the attitude and behaviour of your DH.
God knows what other battles lie ahead, you're only just beginning. Your MIL needs some hobbies. And probably therapy of some sort. Weird behaviour all round.
YADNBU.

[FrancesNiadova]

My eldest DS was a bottle & dummy refuser.
I think that your DH was very cruel to a very young, innocent baby.
How anyone could deny a tiny baby food is beyond my comprehension, let alone to deny a new baby food to try to prove a point.
So sorry op, but your DH' s behaviour is wrong on so many levels. If he becomes coercive or manipulative, speak to your health visitor & ask her to give him a slap have a quiet word.

[MyAmDeryCross]

You are not alone. My H has the same attitude that our DD should take a bottle. She's 6mths. Our DS, now 3, refused to BF which, with benefit of hindsight, I blame H for. Luckily MIL hasn't had as much involvement as yours but she is anti BF and thinks that crying babies are "taking the piss". I have been in similar situation where I have just had to grab DD and spend hours calming her enough to take a feed and go to sleep after H had declared that I'm pampering her and she's spoilt.

Trust your instinct and do what you have to do as a mother. Fuck everyone else.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

No offence OP, but your DH needs a size 12, steel toe capped, army boot, right up his arse. What an absolute cock for making a 4 month old, who has no idea, go without food when he was screaming for it.

Next time, he suggests it, tell him to fuck off. Selfish prick.

[littleleftie]

Agree with PP you have a DH problem here.

Tell him he either sorts out his priorities, or you and the DC will fuck off to a friends/relatives/hotel when MIL visits. And then if necessary, you do it.

What a total wanker he is! My DD was a bottle refuser and nothing would convince her to accept a bottle. He would actually distress his baby rather than upset his mummy!!! What do you see in him?

[ElectraAzalea]

Agree with everything everyone has said- your 'DH' has behaved like a prize twat and your MIL is clearly bonkers. You have the patience of a saint and are far nicer than me- I would have told them both to fuck off a long time ago.

If you are happy EBF and don't want to use bottles, no need to keep trying, especially if it would be to please those selfish bastards. So that's that one solved.

Your DH needs to grow a backbone when it comes to MIL. He needs to know this in no uncertain terms. And her manipulative, self centred and pathetic behaviour can't be allowed to continue.

As I said above, I'm not as nice as you. I would fight fire with fire and play her at her own game. So I'd be manipulating all future situations as I wanted. Her ridiculous reaction would make me even more determined to take DD and DS to the party I would also take the kids out afterwards to be away from MIL for as long as possible. Tough shit if she doesn't like it.

[Misswrite89]

LTB

[melonribena]

Your ds sounds just like my now 3.5 year old ds!

He was a bottle refuser from day 1.
We tried with bottles and he wasn't interested, preferred bf.
I remember agonising over it, but honestly, once he started weaning the gaps between feeds spread out and the short amount of time I needed to feed him constantly (tongue tie so literally did!) was actually quite short.

My advice, give up on bottles. My ds took one at 3 days old and never again. Didn't actually ever be a problem even though I worried about it lots!

Tell mil where to go. Tell dh that you and ds are happy with bf and that's that!

My ds barely slept either!! He will eventually.

Good luck and just focus on what's right for your kids. You sound great

[MrRochestersDog]

Depends on how long MIL is visiting. I feel sorry for a doting GM coming for a short visit and finding both children out for half the day. In those circumstances, DH should take DD to the party. If a longer visit, then fine to take both DC to part IMO.

Whatever the arrangement there is no way a 4m old should be left hungry.

[SanityClause]

There is no reason why you have to take both DC to the party. Either you take them, and MIL comes too, or DH takes just your DD.

Obviously what your DH did is outrageous, and he needs to stop saying "how high" every time his mother tells him to jump, but your refusal to compromise on the party situation just seems childish, unless there's more to it than "it would be weird".

[rumbleinthrjungle]

What Inertia said. Word for word.

I'm disgusted with your h and yes, intentionally withholding food is abusive. And punitive. You may want to point out to him that what he is seeing as intentional manipulative behaviour and is calling 'clinginess', and 'giving in to trying a bottle when hungry enough', is related to cause and effect thinking. Your son's brain hasn't grown that capacity yet. It won't even start developing it for about another 8 months.

As for his mum would 'like to soothe a crying baby' - ffs, hand him a pin and suggest he pokes his son a few times when his mum's around, at least the pain will be shorter for your son than 90 minutes of aching tummy and panic that he has a need and the big people in the world he depends on aren't going to help him. Suggest that and with luck you might see h show shock and realise how bloody awful a father he is currently looking.

This would be a major yellow card time in a relationship for me. And I would be telling the HV about this. You need her/him to tell h his fortune in words of one syllable and for her/him to realise you are dealing with this crap at home.

[EllsTeeth]

Haven't read the full thread. Your husband's behaviour is ridiculous. Do NOT leave your tiny baby without a source of food for 3+ hours to appease your, frankly bonkers sounding, MIL. Husband taking your daughter to the party could be a workaround if you actually like your MIL and want to minimise upsetting her, but I'd just take them both (but I'm a bitch like that ). No way would I be distressing my baby to pander to my stupid MIL, and I'd be telling my husband where to get off with forcing a bottle too. You don't need this stress! Jeez I hope if I'm ever a MIL I remember how to be reasonable.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

what your husband tried to do makes me feel sick. what kind of parent can listen to their baby crying for food and do nothing?

disrupting a small baby's happy and settled feeding habits - whether that's ebf, bottle or a mixture - just to please a selfish adult is vile. I don't think I could look at my dh the same way again if he did this.

[Shelby2010]

So someone is going to be upset, should it be:

a) small child because she prefers mummy over daddy to take her to a party
b) adult woman because she won't be holding a baby for a few hours
c) tiny baby who is crying with hungry
d) pathetic DH who puts his mother's irrational desires over his child's well-being

anyone need to phone a friend?

For what it's worth, when I was getting my BF baby to start taking a bottle it didn't work if she was really hungry as they just don't associate the bottle with food. I waited until about an hour after a feed & then squeezed the teat of the bottle so that the milk dripped onto her lips, when she decided she liked the taste I then moved it so it just touched her mouth. Just kept taking each step slowly. Eventually she got the hang of it. Sorry if you've already tried this & it sounds patronising, it's not meant to be!

[PovertyPain]

Ops has already said her wee girl wants her to take her to parties, so why should the child be disappointed to please a grown woman?

The baby is being breast fed, so needs to be with her mother. Again, why should that change to please a grown woman?

Tough shit if she doesn't want to spend time with her son, that's her issues to work out.

[PovertyPain]

Xpost with Shelby.

[Hissy]

Are you honestly saying that there was no clue at all of how much of a revolting mummy's boy this supposed man is before you married him?

Nobody would say to not feed a child of mine (or anyone else's for that matter!) until they had no choice but to take what they are given... And live to fight another day.

That is about the most selfish, vile and cruel thing I have ever heard.

No fucking way would I let either of my babies out of my sight with that pair. Your mil has issues. They're are hers and hers alone. She is not going to get her feed from your children.

[sleeponeday]

Let me get this straight: your DH expressed the view that it might be quite nice if his 4 month old sobbed in hunger, during a totally avoidable separation from his mum, because it would give DH's Mummykins a chance to cuddle a crying baby?

Dear God, OP.

Why did you let your husband take your starving, distressed baby out to try to force him into drinking something that isn't anywhere near as good for him, totally avoidably? Why are you allowing him to treat his wife and kids as worthless if they conflict with his mother's emotional demands? This is not normal behaviour, and while my MIL isn't any better than yours, albeit differently expressed, my husband is far more weirded out by her than I am and rigid about protecting his kids from her insanity. Talk to him about it - point out that he is ignoring his own very tiny baby's needs in favour of pandering to a selfish adult. It's his job to protect his children, not to treat them as human dollies for his mother.

As the old MN trope goes: you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

[PovertyPain]

OP, I know you were worried about having an argument with your husband, in front of your daughter, however it might not be a bad thing. She would see that mummy sticks up for her and her sibling if something is not good for them or making them unhappy.