To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

[Tallulahoola]

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

[olympicsrock]

Sorry OP but you have a pig ignorant bully of a husband and a crazy pathetic MIL. I would honestly refuse her visits as it is just not healthy or sane.

[Ohfourfoxache]

The more I think about this, the more I think that I couldn't remain married to a "man" like this.

But then, if this is what he is like with your influence, what the fuck would he do with the DC when you weren't around?

Might it be useful to show him this thread, op? His actions and attitude are so horiffic that they're off the scale.

[Starstruck2016]

I am a mil. gs is 5 months three weeks, never tried with a bottle yet for milk just some water a couple of times. Hold him plenty , watched him for say 20 mins a few times to help out. No way does anyone want to change his mums routine of ebf and keeping him with her as needed. As he gets older we can watch him for short periods if she's happy and she trusts us!

Your mil sounds overbearing and bonkers and putting pressure on you is wrong.
Dh and mil go to party, you stay home ?
Do whatever suits you best , really.

[4fingers6toes]

Tell the mil to do one op. I feel your pain when it comes to dp's irrational need to take his mothers side. Before our ds came along I'd met his mother a total of 5 times in 7 years, now we're there every week. No idea why he feels the need to back her instead of me. Especially when she tries to push her own views on us constantly. I can't help but grimace at everything she says whenever we're round. It's hard to stand up to them, but people like this only respond to strong people. If you let her walk all over you she will continue to have no respect for you. Stand up to her and she will respect you way more.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

You are ebf baby's source of food and drink. Teach both mil and 'd'h a lesson by leaving them without food or drink for hours. Gah!

Yanbu, take your child who wants you near to the party and keep your ebf baby with you.

Show your dh this thread if he refuses to accept how not just unreasonable but disgusting he has been over this.

[JolieColombe]

Your 'D'H tried to starve his 4 month old baby into submission That is so fucked up I don't even know where to begin. The fact that he calls an EBF baby 'clingy' for wanting its mum but is apparently blind to his mother's truly unhealthily clingy behaviour (and his desperate need to appease it) needs addressing. At the moment he is categorically not being a good father.

Stories like this make me love and truly appreciate DM and DMIL even more. They both dote on their DGCs, and love getting baby cuddles, but the thing that makes them happiest on visits is seeing the DC be happy.

[Gooseysgirl]

Can't believe your DH did that not OK!!!

[miwelaisjacydo]

Sorry OP but my DH would be in the dog house for months and months if he had left my 4 month old to toughen up. I don't know if I could have got past it without some sort of help.

I would tell him straight that you will not be put in that position again.
I would tell your MIL to leave you alone and follow your plans or she can take a hike.

[FishWithABicycle]

DH=knob
MiL=unhinged
op - good luck!

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Your MIL needs to get a grip. Your DS isn't a toy for her to cuddle - if she wants a toy that won't cry when it's hungry, buy her a dolly
I would take your DD and DS to the party, feed him when he needs feeding and tell your "D"H who thinks its ok to let a hungry baby cry for four hours, and selfish MiL to get to fuck - I would rather upset them than my baby.

[VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon]

Babies are supposed to be clingy
Being clingy to their mum/primary carer is a basic evolutionary strategy to get their physical and emotional needs met. Babies learn not to be clingy through neglect and abuse.
Your husband is a complete knob. Your 4 month old baby doesn't need to be separated from you for 3-4 hours, it's not in his interests. Full stop.
Your husband needs to get some perspective wrt his mother otherwise if I were you I don't think I'd be trusting him where she and the kids are concerned

[Ilovenannyplum]

You're DH is an idiot.

Take DD & DS to the party.

Done.

don't listen to his bullshit about making DS wait to be fed and that you're making him clingy, what a load of shit

[redcaryellowcar]

Yanbu, take your dd and ds to the party, this is the sensible and logical thing to do. Book a special afternoon tea treat (doesn't have to be be at fancy hotel, garden centres are nice?) for your dh to take your mil to, so she feels it's a special treat, tell her about this before the party.

[mix56]

OK, so now, you tell him
"I've tried the bottle, you've tried starvation. how much further is this going to appease your Mother ? you are going to have to stand up to her & Stop fawning, & enabling her because there are going to be massive problems in the future.
She is your Mother, not mine & I am going to party with both children if she throws a wobbler you have 3 hours to put her right on the subject. If not she will no longer be welcome in my house."
or she can stick a pin in you, & then spend the rest of her visit calming her own baby down

[TheVeganVagina]

I have only read the first page of this theead. Op your husband sounds like a bully, and an absolute wanker. My heart is racing thinking about how he treated your ds. Where in hell are his protective instincts? No normal father would do this so that his grown mother can play mums and dads. Dont let them bully you with their fucking weird behaviour. They both need to see a shrink to sort out their weird dynamics while leaving your dc alone.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I wonder if the OP is still reading?

If you are still there tallula please let us know how you're getting on. There's lots of anger towards your husband here, but it's coming from a place of concern for your little son. We want to support you. How is it going?

[FastForward2]

Send DH and MIL to party, or just MIL if she can cope and 3yo happy with that. Hopefully both will see and talk to other mums and realise its normal for 4mo ebf baby to stay with mum.
And she will get her fill of children and babies, chance to show off her son and grand daughter.
You will get 3.5 hours of blissful peace with 4mo.
3yo gets attention of 2 adults and a birthday party.
Good luck.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

I wouldn't be sending mil to the party.
There will be a tantrum if dd dares to want to go off and play with her friends.

[ollieplimsoles]

I also cant believe what I'm reading, not so much about the mil that behaviour is a dime a dozen on mn, but the husband- what a cunt!

[Footle]

Your husband's behaviour makes me shudder. Reminds me of the hideous tales of parents or nannies deciding it was time to 'break the baby's spirit'. I hope you'll come back to say you took both your children to the party, after handing MIL a grip.

[tibbawyrots]

Unfuckingbelievable. 😡

Maybe your mil should go to the party, she's acting about the same age!

Your H - words fail me. My ex once told me that we couldn't get the usual formula that dd had as he couldn't afford it as well as his beer.

Guess what went back on the shelf? Correct. I seemed to have the phrase "fuck off" to him on a loop from the moment dd was born due to his pig-ignorance and inability to realise that I might just have dd's best interests at heart and his mother was 30 years out of date!

[yorkshapudding]

OP, your MIL sounds very similar to mine. She uses tears and emotional blackmail in an attempt to control and manipulate my DH and has done so his entire life. He grew up thinking that it was his responsibility to protect and placate his Mother and that if she wasn't happy (which was most of the time) it must be his fault. Her behaviour was always tolerated and minimised by the rest of the family so for a long time DH thought it was normal for a grown woman to burst into floods of tears and accuse her son of not loving her if he commuted such heinous crimes as having to go to work on her birthday or forgetting the anniversary of the death of her cat. It took a long time for DH to recognise that his DM's behaviour is abnormal and although he is now much more boundaried with her, I know there are times when he still struggles to supress his instinct to do anything in his power to appease her and avoid the inevitable guilt trip and hysterics that comes with her not getting what she wants. He puts me and DD first every time, but I know this is not always easy for him.

I'm not making excuses for your DH, OP. Leaving a four month baby to cry for hours is absolutely not on and in your position I would be furious. All I'm saying is, don't underestimate the extent to which growing up with an emotionally manipulative narcissist for a Mother can mess with one's head. The fact that he's attributing the problem to your 4month old being EBF rather than a grown woman's bizarre insistence of having a grandchild attached to her at all times when she visits speaks volumes. He would rather think your 4month old DS is the unreasonable one than acknowledge that his DM's behaviour is abnormal! Until your DH acknowledges that his DM is manipulative, needy and controlling he is unlikely to see your point of view.

In your position I would resist the urge to blatantly slag off MIL to your DH (thank god we have MN for that) but be very clear that you are not prepared to cause your baby unnecessary distress to appease her and that you will not tolerate him doing so either. He needs to put you and your children first, however difficult it is for him.

[purplefizz26]

Your MIL is pathetic.

[NickiFury]

I have not read the entire thread. I read enough in the OP. I would have to be held back if my husband did that to my bottle refusing baby. I had one, dd never took a bottle, I breast fed for 14 months so I know how hard it is.