To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

[Tallulahoola]

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

You are not being unreasonable. My baby is 5 months old and EBF. Won't take a bottle and frankly I don't fancy expressing on a regular basis if avoidable. Every time I see MIL she brings up bottle feeding, weaning, and her babysitting once these have been introduced. In the nicest possible way I just laugh, say we'll see, then change the subject. Because she doesn't get to decide how my baby is fed just so that she can have him on her own (she can spend as much time with him as she likes, I just have to be there as well at the moment). Don't feel the need to pander to this; of course she can cope with both children away from her. She just doesn't want to. That's petulance. Could you perhaps suggest a nice afternoon outing for MIL and DH the afternoon of the party; "it'll be nice for you because you can spend time together just mother and son". Or get your DD excited about daddy taking her to the party so you can stay home with the baby. Oh and your DH made a poor choice doing that to your baby. How would he like it?

Your husband is a cunt. Your MIL is the secondary problem here.

All the more reason to stamp on this behaviour before it gets out of hand, OP.

This is your child, as she needs to have this reinforced.

She doesn't like bfing? So what? Not her child, yours.
She wants to soothe a crying child (wtf?) - tough. Not her child. Don't let her distress your child, so that she can soothe it!

ANd anyway, hungry babies CAN'T be 'soothed'; they will stop crying when they are FED!

sorry OP, just read your update.

Your MIL does not get to decide how you bring up your DC, including how you chose to feed them. Whether she approves of EBF is irrelevant. She does not get to dictate when or where you take them, or for how long. If you want to take your DD to the party and you also want to take DS too, then that's up to you. Can't MIL spend time with your DH- he is her son after all!

Those saying, get your DH to take her and you stay with MIL, or MIL go with your DH and DD to the party are missing the point somewhat, I think. Those are reasonable solutions, but I think the OP is fed up of cow-towing to MILs demands re the DCs and doesn't see why she has to organise things to comply with MIL expectations.

I think you need to have a chat with him about his recent behaviour towards your son, it really isn't right to stress him and you so much (even though it isn't going to do any long-term harm as a one-off). For him to do so, just so his mother can get her own way is pretty ridiculous, IMHO. What did he say when you got upset? Has he realised that what he didn't wasn't right?

Your DH needs to cut the apron strings a bit, by the sound of things.

Take DS to the party with you or DP takes your DD and you stay at home.
What worked for us with a bottle (apologies if you'very already tried) but my DD would take a bottle expressed milk from my DP but only if I wasn't there. We tried this by me popping out for an hour or so close to home around a time she'd want a feed a couple of times before I did a longer stint out.

Oh - and DH taking my child away to force him to bottle feed, leaving him hungry for 4 hours, crying hysterically, just so that his mother can bottle-feed him? He would be on a one-way ticket back to his mums, if he were my H.

Abusive, child-cruelty. Not too strong a term.

What an absolute knobber.

Thank you Tinkly that has made me laugh.

DH reckons DS will keep refusing the bottle because he knows I'll give in (his words) and BF. I've told him it really doesn't work like that.

Your mother in law needs to have a word with herself. So does your husband.

Do the party day whatever way works best for you, if your mother in law flounces then that's her issue not yours.

I can't quite believe your husband took a screaming baby out for hours in order to try and make him take a bottle so his mother would be happy. WTAF is that all about?! He has seriously f'ed up priorities here I hope you told him that!

This is worth a fuck off argument op.
Your husband is an absolute cunt.

TBH it sounds like your MIL is going to be a problem about the DCs for a long time. You might as well fall out with her now - it will save you time.

Less flippantly the sooner you establish boundaries and get your dim DH to realise he is supposed to be acting in the interests of his children not a grown woman, the better. And oddly your whole family will be the happier the sooner you make your rules clear instead of trying to appease MIL as it cannot be done.

Another voice to the chorus of YANBU.

Your DH needs to take a serious look at his behaviour - a 4 month old baby is tiny still! To leave a baby to cry until it will take a bottle just to appease his mother is un-fricking-believable and I'm not sure I would be able to forgive that behaviour towards his child. If my DH had behaved like that so that his mother could hold a baby for an extra few hours I would have packed up and decamped with all of the children to my own family for the duration of MiL's visit and I'm tempted to suggest you do just that.

Take your DD to the party. Take your baby DS with you. And let your DH cope with his mother. If she kicks off, she is welcome to leave.

I have sons. There is no way I would insist an EBF baby be starved, left hungry, or separated from its mother so that I could cuddle it. I just could not put a child or grandchild of mine through that, I can't imagine anyone that loved their child or grandchild would be able to.

Yes it's sad your MiL could only have one child. But that's her issue to sort out, not yours to manage for her. You had children because you wanted them (presumably!) and not to assuage her needs.

If you have a bottle refuser you have a bottle refuser, there's nothing you can do about it and they need to accept that. DS2 7.5months won't take any bottle or cup, some of my friends and MIL definitely didn't really believe me, so I've had them all try when I know he is hungry and he has refused for them too. Difference is they hand him back to me after a few minutes of trying so I can feed him. It's really not fair for your DH to back you up on this, his mum needs to be told, by him that your DS needs his mum and until further notice will not be left. I hope you manage to get through to them. DS is only going to be small for a really short amount of time so what's the rush for him to be left?

DH reckons DS will keep refusing the bottle because he knows I'll give in - so does he reckon the child will still be bf at age 15?

Knobbler, is right.

I think if your MIL would approve of her son not feeding her grandchild so that she can hold him for three hours when you aren't there, hen she doesn't really know how to look after a baby. Perhaps she's forgotten how to do so. So, no, I wouldn't leave him.

And stop trying to get your DS to take a bottle! He has a perfectly good form of nutrition in the form of breastmilk. There is no earthly reason why a 4 month old baby needs to be forced to feed from a bottle unless the mother can't breastfeed for any reason (I couldn't, and was very glad my sons were able to take milk from a bottle before anyone flames me for that comment).

If your son is happy breastfeeding then why stress both of you out over strategies to get him to accept a bottle if you don't have to?

Can MIL not take your DD to the party?

MIL doesn't have any interest in spending time with just DH sadly. We barely saw her before DCs came along and DH could be quite disparaging about her. But from the day DD was born he has been desperate to humour her. Example: on the day DD was born after a very traumatic labour and EMCS he rang to say she'd become a grandmother, that it had been pretty awful but mother and baby doing fine etc. She demanded he send her a picture there and then but she didn't have a computer or smartphone. So he said he'd email a picture to her sister who lives on the same street, to which she started yelling that she'd never forgive him if her sister got to see the picture at the same time as her. So he went home after 48 hours of no sleep and had to faff around finding a website that would print a photo and get it posted to her house.m

Your DH needs to explain to his mother what will be happening ahead of time, and he needs to explain to her that she won't have a baby on her lap for a couple of hours because that's not what's best for your children.

If he won't, you need to work with him to help him clarify his priorities.

I've had similar, and while hard at first, I had to pull up my big-girl pants and stand up (gently but firmly) for what is best for my children. They deserve that, and I'll put up with any amount of teeth-gnashing, fake sobbing and being seen as an overprotective bitch if it means their interests and safety are put first.

Your mil is not the problem here.

DH reckons DS will keep refusing the bottle because he knows I'll give in - your DH is more trouble than his twatty mother! It's not that breastfeeding doesn't work like that. It's that FOUR MONTH OLD BABIES don't work like that.

Take DS with you, tell your DH to buck up his ideas or ship out, and tell MIL that if she's going to keep being so needy and disruptive, she can see the kids via Skype rather than in person.

DS will keep refusing the bottle because he knows I'll give in

Point out to your husband that

mil will keep being melodramatic because she knows HE'LL give in! dick

Would you really let your baby cry with hunger for 90 minutes to avoid saying no to a grown woman, who should handle disappointment a darn sight better than a 4 month old? I get that you want to avoid family strife, but your MIL is being bloody unreasonable, and will continue to do so until someone firmly says no.

I think your DH's attitude is appalling. His son is a person, not a toy to be passed around.

If you want to try bottles again, do so in a calm situation, don't make is stressful for your baby.

Decide what works best for your family with regards to who goes to the party. Then tell MIL the plan. Don't be swayed if she tries to guilt you- would she rather come a different weekend?

I hope your DD didn't realise why your MIL was crying when she went to the shop. Feeling responsible for a grown ups happiness is a bizarre responsibility to place on a 3 year old! If she does similar again I would turn it into a joke ("oh, MIL is being so silly") in front of your DC, then later tell her to pull herself together.

Tell your mil she can spend all day with a ds - her own one!! The middle aged man child sounds like he would happily sit on mammies lap all day to keep her happy!!

Take your dd and ds to the party, you need to put your foot down now, frankly your mother in law sounds creepy and your dh sounds like a prick

Apparently I was a bottle refuser. My DM still tells the story of Aunty Aileen feeding two month old me EBM with a teaspoon, while she went to a hospital appointment. Aunty was frazzled & I was furious!

I can hardly believe she burst into tears because your DD went to the shop with you for five minutes. You really really need to clamp down on this ridiculous behaviour.