To not leave EBF baby with MIL?

[Tallulahoola]

DS is 4 months and EBF. He is a total bottle refuser. I would like him to take a bottle so DH can do the odd feed but tbh I don't really mind because I had such a miserable time trying to BF my DD (who is now 3) including hospital visits because she wasn't putting on weight so now I just feel relieved to have a baby who BFs well. I figure he will take a bottle eventually once I've weaned him she says hopefully

So MIL is coming to stay. She is very needy with DD and DS, wanting to spend every second with them when she's here (and I do mean every second - she once burst into tears when DD said she wanted to walk to the corner shop with me for all of 5 minutes instead of play another game of dollies with MIL).

DD is invited to a birthday party when MIL is here. I told DH and was fully expecting him to say she couldn't go because he humours MIL a lot, but surprised me by saying she could. Then he said "It'll be nice for you because you can leave DS at home with me and MIL while you go to the party." I said that no, I was planning to take DS with me (I have done this to other parties, other mums with babies do too and it's no problem) because we will be away for 3-3.5 hours at a time of day when DS feeds every 2 hours so he needs to be with me. DH kept saying it would be fine. I said DS would scream the place down because he'd be hungry and DH said "Oh, my mum would like to soothe a crying baby."

So I said we would make a concerted effort in the next few days to offer DS a bottle, and if he starts taking one then of course I can leave him. Cue DH giving him a bottle and of course it got refused. He kept trying to give it and DS got more and more upset DH then said "Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice" and took him out in the buggy. By the time they came back DS hadn't eaten for more than 4 hours, refused the bottle again and by this point was hysterical. It took me ages to calm him down enough to BF.

DH never behaves like this normally and has never cared either that DS is EBF. He is doing this because he knows MIL will be distraught at spending 3 hours without a child on her lap. I know the alternative is for DH to go to the party and me stay at home with MIL and DS but DD always wants me to go to parties with her. And I don't want to take MIL with us because that would be odd and also I'd like to step out of the house without her for a bit. And I'm not precious about DS, when she's here she can spend plenty of time with him.

I genuinely don't know AIBU to feel I shouldn't leave him? I suppose the worst that can happen is that he is hungry and cries for 90 minutes, which isn't the end of the world. But I would be at the party worried about him and imagining him crying.

[Sandsnake]

Fuck me, that is disgraceful from your DH. He has some major Mummy issues going on there. And your MIL's clearly batshit, but you know that already.

Not much point adding to the chorus of PPs but I will anyway - do not leave your baby with this woman. Tbh I'd be reconsidering leaving him with your DH for any length of time of he's happy to listen to his tiny son scream in hunger in order to pander to the bizarre wishes of his mother.

This has really annoyed me. Probably doesn't help that I have a four and half month old EBF DS and the thought of leaving him hungry for 90 minutes makes me actually feel a bit panicky sat here. Don't do it to yourself or your DS.

[coconutpie]

X post - no, it's not ok at all I wouldn't be able to let this go though, you need to pull him up on this shitty behaviour. You need to tell him that this will never happen again and what he did was appalling. He really needs to be put in his place. This crap of putting that woman's wants ahead of his baby son's needs is disgusting. What he did was awful, I just couldn't brush it under the carpet. I don't even know you but I'm really furious and sad for you

[coconutpie]

And to echo the above poster, I would even consider not letting DS alone with your husband either for long periods after his behaviour. Clearly he does not put the welfare of his baby first. To take a baby out in the pram because he refused a bottle and then starve him? He's essentially punished a helpless innocent baby for not knowing what to do with a bottle.

[Inertia]

Your husband is a total disgrace.

Anybody who deliberately starves a tiny baby, leaving him to scream with distress and hunger for that length of time, is abusive.

Not only would I not be leaving the baby with Mil, I would be seriously considering whether I could bear to stay with a man who would sooner starve and upset a baby than say no to his mother.

[Alpies]

OP its obvious this situation is stressing you. No one should have to stress this much about going to a little party especially a new mum who deserves a bit of fun from time to time. You should take your daughter and son to the birthday party and enjoy yourself.

Easier said than done and not easy to deal with DH and MIL. Maybe it might be a good idea to write a letter or email to your husband and explain how his behaviour over the bottle distressed you. That he should put ur kids needs first and prioritise their best interest.

The reason I'm saying to write it down is someone advised me to do this (I have a long standing issues with my own MiL and got advise from various people here) and I've found its easier to get your point across rather than an argument where emotions get in the way. It sounds like you have a very possessive MiL who demands exclusivity over your kids when she visits and So best stand up to her and DH now otherwise, you'll probably have years of stress and lots of issues especially with regards to boundaries. I wish I had put my foot down right at the start of these 'odd' behaviours instead 2 years down the line things have got worse.

Make sure you let your husband know how disgraceful his behaviour was and how making DS go hungry distressed you as a mother. Don't wait for another 'situation' or let go this go until next time he does something. A pattern would just establish and then it'll be hard to break.

Good luck!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Tallulahoola re "it's not ok, is it?" no it is not. I am sure your baby son will be fine, if this is a one-off. It sounds like your husband does not understand much about babies, about how they feed or what their needs are.

As you know, in the womb babies get their food and drink, and whatever they need, instantly, that's going on from start to birth so he has months of that being normal!

Birth is a shock and then the additional shock of sharing the mum with others/not getting the food every second they need it (with the best will in the world) and gradually learning to be outside.

So a four month old baby is not really a four month old baby they are more like a year old baby who has spent the first 3/4 of their life getting all their needs met instantly and now they are 'learning' to live in the world and to wait for things. A tough call for a baby. Your husband was a dick but to give him the benefit of the doubt maybe, just maybe, he really did think if the child was hungry enough he would be able to feed from a bottle (despite being distressed)!

I don't think (IMHO) he meant this to be the way it was, he was not thinking. Next time he is ravenously hungry cut some food up into tiny pieces and see if he can learn to master chop sticks!

But seriously, the worrying thing is your husband cannot seem to put your requests or your kids (yours and his kids) needs above those of his mum, and that needs to be addressed because the kids need both parents to be looking out for them.

Your MIL is a bit silly but really you and your hubby can stick up for your kids and make sure she understands things. I would not be nasty to her, just firm. And in your shoes I would say stuff like 'it's in his best interests' and 'it's for her best interests' and then just go broken record, repeat in a soft voice, no shouting or hysterics, just calm and clear, and in control.

Tallulahoola I thought you said you were going to bed!

[ForgetTheHighCourtJudgeTest]

Yanbu
DH out of line
Also I wish I'd stopped wasting time getting my bottle refusing baby used to the bottle. It just clicked one day when she was 6 months.
Enjoy your baby, enjoy bf and enjoy the party

[Ohfourfoxache]

Oh. My. Fucking. God

Your Ds is 4 months old

He doesn't know how to manipulate anyone into giving him what he wants. All he knows is that he's hungry. And to leave him like that for an hour and a half/ 2 hours? Christ on a bike, that's just cruel.

I'm sorry op, I know you're trying to placate your DH but the man is a cunt. Anyone who could willingly put a child through that much distress, even more so their own child, doesn't deserve to be called human

[Ohfourfoxache]

Oh, and as for MIL, if she really is so selfish that she is incapable of putting her grandchildren's needs above her own then it would be a cold day in hell before I allowed unsupervised contact.

[RupertPupkin]

He's not clingy, he's a tiny baby. Agree your dh sounds awful. How can anyone listen to a baby screaming in hunger? The thought of it makes me feel stressed. Glad you're putting your foot down.

[EponasWildDaughter]

"Right, he's not getting fed until he drinks out of a bottle, we're going to wait until he's so hungry he hasn't got a choice"



I've tried to read the thread properly but i cant get past this OP.

If my DH attempted to do this i'd fucking kill him. Bastard. BASTARD Sorry. But Good Lord don't let anyone do this to your child again.

Take control of this situation it's ridiculous.

[timelytess]

OP, you sound like a lovely person and a lovely mother. And a lovely wife and daughter-in-law. That's good.

But ffs, grow a pair!

Its sad that your dh was so badly-parented that he is unable to tell his mother where to get off. Sad, but not your problem. Tell him to shape up or ship out - you can't carry him, you have children to attend to.

As for her - she gets no say whatsoever. You do things your way, not hers. Because you are the mother and that makes you right. Your babies, your rules.

Come on now. Gird up your loins. The battle has commenced and at the moment, the opponent has the upper hand. But the power lies with you. So use it.

[timelytess]

And what EponasWildDaughter said, too. She's right about that.

[BowiesJumper]

I have a baby the same age, also a bottle refuser.
If my husband had attempted something like the starving him episode I'd have hit the roof. (Thankfully he wouldn't).
Just take the baby with you to the party and forget about the bottles.

[ollieplimsoles]

Not read the whole thread but read the op and believe me that's enough.

Op this is ridiculous, your ds wont take a bottle and he's breast fed exclusively, so he cant stay with mil.

She will just have to wait, unless she wants her dgs to be distressed

[SerenityReynolds]

I would have lost it with my DH if he did that to one of the DC . Purely for that I would take both kids to the party myself and tell him and MIL to fucking grow up about it. He is putting the whims of his mother ahead of the most basic needs of his own child - I would find it hard to forgive him for that. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his mother is no longer the priority here.

[DownUnderBound]

Sorry your dh sounds like a real treat. Do you have no say/backbone? If my dh tried to say we would basicially refuse ds food until he took a bottle, and went off with him in a pram so I couldnt feed him, I would kick he's head in grow up and tell your mil to get a fucking grip!

[DownUnderBound]

Also could milk not just come with you? Problem solved? Its not unusual round my way at all for mums to bring partner or mum...if.its a hall/play centre. House party different of course

[TeaOnEverest]

Everyone else has already said it, but your husband is acting like a mean bully for refusing to feed his baby son for hours

All to keep his dreadful, unhinged mother happy. Does she really throw tantrums when she doesn't hold a baby constantly?

[MLGs]

Let dh and mil take DD to the party.

[MLGs]

Also agree it was dreadful of him to leave baby hungry like that.

[MLGs]

Or mil come with you all to the party.

[ijustwannadance]

Phone mil and tell her that you and the children will be out at a party on x date for about 3 hours so not to bother coming round.
Your DH is a dick for putting his DMbefore his 4mo DS.

[rainbowstardrops]

Is your mil coming to stay for a few days or just coming for the day?
Totally irrelevant with regards to hers and DH's behaviour though - truly shocking

There is no way on this earth that I'd allow my DH to behave so appallingly to my baby and my MIL would be told in no uncertain terms, that she needs to get a bloody grip!!!

'Man' up OP and start as you mean to go on otherwise this is how it will be for ever more