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Original poster

Would we be unreasonable to take DCs out of school for a day for grandparents wedding anniversary?

197 replies

iwouldgoouttonight · 28/03/2016 19:27

Grandparents are having a party for their golden wedding on a Saturday. They live about three hours drive away. They've asked if we can help them get things ready on the Friday, which would mean the DCS (9 and 7) taking a day off school.

They've already had one unauthorised day off for another reason in this academic year, and DS has missed a couple of hours here and there for hospital appointments.

Would you take them out on the Friday to go down to the grandparents?

OP posts:
Osolea · 29/03/2016 11:41

I wouldn't. I'd make an exception for the actual party, but not just to help set up.

One of the things that often seems to get ignored on thread like this is how the children are doing at school. For some children, missing an extra day beyond normal illness isn't a problem, they will catch up easily. For other children it's a huge problem, and they need all the time they can get in lessons. Or they need to be in school for the extra interventions they get given if needed.

Obviously there can't be one rule for the high ability children and another rule for the lower ability children, but there is a reality that has to be faced.

Children often enjoy the stuff that happens on a Friday, celebration assemblies and such like. As school is such a big part of their lives, I don't really think it's fair to them to miss all that so that they can hang around in a hall getting in the way all day.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 29/03/2016 11:56

This is purely anecdotal of course, but among Y10 ds's friends, several of the ones whose parents were fairly blasé about missing school for stuff like this are now struggling with school refusers. I don't think this is entirely coincidental - it doesn't occur to most parents or children to miss school other than through illness or something really serious.

Had the party been too far away to travel to on the day or after school the day before, then as an absolute one off it would be understandable. But that's not the case here.

GnomeDePlume · 29/03/2016 11:57

Hell's teeth there are some miserable so and so's on this thread.

School isnt the only thing in children's lives and isnt the only place where they learn. Going to a big family celebration and helping in the preparation is part of learning about their own family.

This may be a chance to meet relatives from the far flung reaches of the family who may get missed during the party.

Children may only go to a couple of golden wedding anniversaries in their lifetime. Grandparents will not be less than 70. Setting up a big party like this may well be far more stressful than for someone in their 30s. GPs may be feeling a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 12:17

gnome

I work with many parents who believe that there are many things more important than school. Of course something's are, and some things aren't.

And there are always plenty of people on MN willing to stretch the definition of "education" to include events that are anything but.

But I had to laugh at your claim that going to a family party is part of their eduction in learning about the family.

Thanks for that.

That1950sMum · 29/03/2016 12:17

gnomedeplume I don't think setting up a buffet really counts as a life-enhancing experience! I also don't think valuing school makes anyone a miserable so and so. That's a bit rude!
My children love school and would not be happy at all the be removed so they could go and arrange a few vol au vents!
Nobody has suggested they should miss the party - they just need to leave after school.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 12:18

Sorry for typos - I have a poorly cat on my lap.

starry0ne · 29/03/2016 12:36

gnome i don't think it is about been miserable..OP has already said that the children has had a day unauthorised ... I can't for the life of me figure out what they are needed for..

Most people have said they would for the party..

I have just looked at what my son would miss on a Friday afternoon and it would be topic...Maths and literacy on a morning... I truely think if it a matter of moving furniture around or my DS missing a maths lesson he will need to catch up on I would chose the maths..

I am one of the posters who more often than not say go unauthorised.

TooAswellAlso · 29/03/2016 12:39

How old are the children?

If they're secondary age, you can't really say "not much happens on a Friday afternoon" - they often have core subjects such as maths, science etc which aren't ideal to miss.

It's three hours away and it's a party the next day. Pick them up at 330 with a packed car, hit the motorway, be there by 630/7. There is no reason to take your kids out of school for it.

GnomeDePlume · 29/03/2016 12:41

Why is learning about one's family such a laugh? The OP has said she lives 3 hours away from GPs. There may well be other far flung relatives to meet. Where a family is scattered across the country and beyond the chances to meet uncle this or cousin that can be few and far between.

I am possibly a little sensitive about this. My FiL sadly died in the run up to PiL's diamond wedding anniversary. I am glad we made the effort to get to their golden anniversary weekend which did include taking DCs out of school to make the journey (coming from abroad). The next time the family got together was for FiL's funeral.

Plateofcrumbs · 29/03/2016 12:44

I would consider taking my children out of school for a life experience they wouldn't be able to access otherwise (and I would include some holidays in that, if it is the only realistic option).

gnome if there were likely to be relatives from 'far flung corners' there on Friday then the PILs wouldn't need to be asking for help!

I agree with PPs who say it sends wrong message to kids as well if they get the day off school for something which is so blatantly NOT a significant occasion (the set up, that is, the party itself is different).

GoblinLittleOwl · 29/03/2016 12:55

I am surprised that your parents expect you to do this.
If you really feel you have to go, could you compromise and take the children out at lunchtime? Friday afternoons are frequently timetabled for leisure based activities such as art and sport and 'golden time'.
Still wrong in principle though.

Kr1stina · 29/03/2016 13:06

I wouldn't . It sets an unfortunate precedent with your family and your children .

Lots of individual days for trivial and avoidable reasons soon mount up

Why doesn't your dh go early to set up ? I know you say it's " very remote " , but can't be that remote if it has a village hall. Your BIL will be there all week so he can pick him up from the nearest station / bus stop .

You can leave after school and be there at 6pm

BlueEyedWonder · 29/03/2016 13:10

I don't think a day off on the weekend of a family party leads to kids refusing to go to school.
My DC (nearing teens) have otherwise 100% attendance and never complain about school. It's understood that missing a day is for an exceptional reason to experience something they would otherwise miss out in. For us that's been climbing a mountain, travelling to the places they've been studying as part of the curriculum, swimming trips and seeing a parent run a marathon.
It riles me that parents are made to feel bad about making such decisions.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 13:14

gnome

You misread my post. I said your claim that describing attending a family party as "educating them about their family" was funny.

That1950sMum · 29/03/2016 13:16

So blueeyedwonder apart from the many random days your children have had off, they've got 100% attendance. Hmm. Well done!

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 13:18

No, exceptional circumstances are not "for an experience they would otherwise miss out on".

These include but are not restricted to funerals or weddings of close family, holidays after illness and so on. Mountains can be climbed any time Hmm

BoboChic · 29/03/2016 13:30

I recently had to take my DD out of school for seven days over a bereavement. She talked to her friends everyday on Skype and kept up with her work. Exceptional circumstances but she didn't get behind,

mouldycheesefan · 29/03/2016 13:36

Well as pil aren't able to say what they need help with, I would go after school. It all sounds a bit vague. And bil has been the the whole week helping, seriously there can't be much left to do!

SpidersFromMars · 29/03/2016 13:39

For the party, yes I'd taken them out.

For help with set up, no. That's not an unmissable event in my eyes.

namechangedtoday15 · 29/03/2016 14:16

I too am flabbergasted about how many people are saying take them out of school.

Firstly the message is all wrong - "Yes I know we tell you how important school is / school work / homework but kids, you're missing school today because we need to clean a village hall / help prepare sandwiches". Hmm

It's 3 hours away - not the other side of the world. Get in the car after school and you'll be there at 6.30pm. Send DH on the train and get BIL to pick him up if your MIL is so demanding. I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that I would not be taking my children out of school and that its inappropriate for her to have asked in the first place. Pay for a cleaner or a caterer if there is too much to do to prepare for a party.

Struggling to see that a Golden Wedding Anniversary (actually its the preparation of a Golden Wedding Anniversary Party) is such a monumental occasion. Really??!

Andrewofgg · 29/03/2016 14:20

I wouldn't. School is their job and they should not stay away for things like this. I know others will differ. But then I'm one teacher's son and another's brother.

Spandexpants007 · 29/03/2016 14:39

Life is more then school. It's not like they are doing A levels. As long as they have good attendance records so far

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 14:43

bobo

IIRC you're in France? So not really applicable to the OP.

SuburbanRhonda · 29/03/2016 14:46

Yes, life is more than school.

It's also more than plenty of other things. And if they have good attendance records so far they may have certain absences authorised but not setting up for a party.

OP it's a shame the GPs have put you in such a difficult position.

AppleSetsSail · 29/03/2016 15:07

When my kids were younger e.g. 7/9, I was pretty blase about them missing school, and they missed a day for my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary.

They're now 10 and 13 and I can't really allow it any longer.