Is having overweight kids child abuse?

[Mummyme1987]

A friend posted on Fb that parents with fat kids are child abusers. Except for kids with medical problems. It started with comments on how it's awful that there's a generous fit section in clothes shops. I'm shocked that people think this. I think the majority of parents don't just feed their kids crap, and some kids are bigger than others, and unless it is a very extreme case it's not child abuse. Thoughts?

The Fitfatty - I think that's the thing. I'd feel a fraud really sitting here saying my dc is slim because of my healthy cooking and sensible eating. It's completely untrue. My dc is slim because she doesn't like food that much.

My brother was obese as a boy of 8. He, and I were seriously neglected children from a "good middle class home" haha with a mother who thought she could work and have children. Years of therapy were to come my way and brother put himself on a diet and lost all the weight, sick of being bullied for it.

I'm also fairly certain that when he does start eating normally he's going to pile on weight, regardless of what he eats, because he's built exactly like my brother, and my brother was heavy until he became a teenager and shot up even more. Even now, the way my brother is built (broad) he can go from muscular to fat pretty quickly if he doesn't workout.

But you'll see that he gets enough exercise so he doesn't pile on too much weight, won't you?

I think the key is having your eye on the ball, so you're able to take preventative measures.

But you'll see that he gets enough exercise so he doesn't pile on too much weight, won't you?

I'll certainly encourage it. But if he's anything like my brother (and he is) he'll be a stubborn mule about it. After a certain age, there's not much I can do.

There is a massive difference between a chubby preteen and an obese child. I would hazard a guess that 95% of the population had fluctuating weight through their teenager years, that's normal. Having a 6year old burst out of their clothing isn't

The thing as well is, like my brother, DS doesn't look thin in clothes. He has a big head, a round face with high cheekbones, broad shoulders, chest and hips. He's built like Thor (if Thor were 4). It's only when you see him naked that you realize that you can count his ribs and see his hip bones. I often get comments about what a "chubby" or "big" boy he is. I have to laugh because people only say that when he's clothed.

It can be abuse. it can also be a multitude of other factors.

most people set out to do their best and life throws a few curve balls and parents can sadly become preoccupied with other things, looking after sick husbands/children, taking on extra hours to cover increased rent costs, building renovations etc

all of which can result in erratic mealtimes and a reliance on takeaways and convenience food and less time.to.get out and about.

if MN is anything to go by with its competitive eating threads (lists of ridiculous amounts of food ) assassinations. of anyone who dares expect someone to hold a baby for 15 mins and not feed it, or someone who posts a perfectly adequate amount if food and is accused of starving their chikd, well it's clear that there are thousands upon thousands of people with a huge diversity of issues and ideas behind food.

agree we can't win really. if we want grandparents to stop feeding our kids we are mean and selfish if we chuck our kids out to play we are neglectful.

if we spend all day outside witg our kids we should be home cooking a healthy meal.

I would like to know where the obsession with snacking came from.

growing up we had breakfast lunch and dinner that was it.

now the same peope who kept that going are the ones digging out the cakes biscuits and sweets the second you pop round with the kids.

I'm over weight myself and I try hard to keep the kids active and we fed. but it's hard when everyone around you is shoving food in their kids hands the second they get out the school gates or you visit family and out come the sweets.

it's just hard sonetimes amd I can see why people constantly question things. we really have lost sight of what's normal. portion wise amd size wise.

some of your toddlers eat more than.my 9 yr old.

some threads I can't help but wonder how there's even time.to eat all that.

I think a blanket judgement of abuse is harsh because we just font know what people are dealing with.

rainbowunicorn
Steps were taken as they always are however the parents did not want to hear it in most cases. One of the parents from that particular class did make changes and her family are healthier and happier as a result. She actually wrote to the school saying that the letter home was the kick up the but she needed to change things.
The others I'm afraid continue to be in the very obese weight range with no change in the parents attitude.

I was really thinking about opportunities and help that might be offered at school for those children, rather than just a letter home.

I'm wondering how the posters who think weight is a straightforward matter of parental responsibility feel about dental decay in children? Is that also the fault of the parents? I see it in a similar way to weight - multifactorial with some genetics and luck thrown in; entirely unhelpful to apportion blame.

I think people often underestimate what affect things can have.

there's alot of "it's only 5 meals a week" if it's about meals at school. or "its only once a week" with regards to seeing family.

or "they only snack on a club night"

but that's 5 shit meals a week on top of two or three snacks cos of beavers and tennis amd then a.pile of crap on a Sunday visiting grandma.

it's actually more significant than you might think.

if someone didn't feed their child 5 meals a week you'd think.that was abusive however eating 5 lots of shit a week is not seen as an issue as it's only 5 out of 21

I've got 2 family members who are obese (older) primary age children and there are many reasons they are this way, the mum's mental health is poor, the ex-h (dad) saying it's the kids' responsibility to look after their weight and then feeding them rubbish, he and all his side of the family are obese bullies and they have an 'we're alright so it must be alright' attitude. The kids are getting outside intervention but without consistent parental back-up at every meal it hasn't make a sustained difference. Personally I think chocolate and crisps should be MUCH more expensive. Dairy milk used to be a special treat when I visited my Granny, not an every day thing.

I'm wondering how the posters who think weight is a straightforward matter of parental responsibility feel about dental decay in children? Is that also the fault of the parents? I see it in a similar way to weight - multifactorial with some genetics and luck thrown in; entirely unhelpful to apportion blame.

If the parents aren't taking the children to the dentist regularly and making no attempt to follow the dentist's advice, then who else are you going to blame if not the parents?

A third of UK children being overweight/obese is hardly down to genentics and bad luck, is it?

Because if it is, then surely we would always have had this widespread obesity problem?

I have often wondered Gertrude if making sweet treats much more expensive and having offers on fruit and veg instead would have an affect, but if you shop somewhere like Asda you can get a bag of veg for 49p, what more can the shops do?

At some point parents need to stop being lazy and take a bit of time on a Sunday or whenever and just plan the meals for the week. It's dead easy, if you cook too much, freeze it, simple recipes like spaghetti Bolognaise takes 30 mins, there are no reason why anyone can't do that.

I agree Jean, it is feasible if you have time and the skills and facilities to cook - the mum in my family has a kitchen full of rot and mould and a cooker I'd be scared to turn on fwiw. The rubbish still has to get pricier though - I got 6 packets of crisps in the co-op for £1 yesterday, alongside my 80p swede and my 59p greens. If those crisps had been £2 I'd not have picked them up.

I'm wondering how the posters who think weight is a straightforward matter of parental responsibility feel about dental decay in children? Is that also the fault of the parents? I see it in a similar way to weight - multifactorial with some genetics and luck thrown in; entirely unhelpful to apportion blame.

I see it the same. Until a certain age it's up to the parents to ensure a child is bruising their teeth, not eating tons of sugar etc. At a certain point they can't control it. But hopefully good oral hygiene is a habit by then.

I can't believe anyone thinks that an over weight child is never the parents fault or down to neglect, tbh.

In those cases wether it's not bothering to make sure you young child has brushed their teeth or feeding ten a take away again because you can't be arsed, I think blame should be placed at the parents feet.

There has been this new sugar tax hasn't there, backed by Jamie Oliver (not everyone's favourite man after his bf comments) I'm hopeful that will make people, including myself, think twice about picking up the £1 galaxy bars

Oh really tiggytape? I probably should have known that, small step in right direction at least

Facebook does bring out the worst in some people!

I have a step daughter age 9, and two sons aged 7 and 4. All are offered the same food (at ours anyway, step daughter's only with us one night and morning midweek and a night and day on weekend) and all are active. They're different shapes.

My step daughter (SD?) has always been in older clothes, she's got a broad chest, always has done and is quite tall for her age but she's very strong and quick. She plays rugby (and is very good at it) but also goes to weekly dance class, netball, dodgeball, she walks the dog before school at ours and on weekends, she jogs and cycles with her mum. But yes, she's in bigger clothes than her age. It doesn't help that girls clothes are cut for waifs. Her favourite subject at school is PE. On a BMI chart and "for her age" (which is ridiculous at her age when some girls are going through puberty) she is overweight but it doesn't automatically mean she's neglected. It doesn't even mean she's fat and it certainly doesn't mean that she's unhealthy.

My 7 year old is slim, he's average/short height and you can see his muscles. He does 9.5 hours gymnastics training each week and all the usual family dog walks and football at school. He's fairly fussy at eating but not compared to some children (he'll eat loads of foods - chicken, mash, broccoli, carrots, ham, bread, yoghurts, balsamic or pesto pasta etc).

My 4 year old is wearing age 4-5 clothes but struggles to be comfie in some of the hand-me-downs from his brother like skinny fit chinos. But he's still shaped like a toddler! He's chunky but very active (gymnastics, rugby, dog walking, wrestling, all sorts!) and eats anything! I wouldn't be surprised if he's "overweight" at the moment but he's healthy - I'm intelligent enough to make sure he has a balanced diet and lots of physical activity.

Way too much information there sorry and I know that anecdotal information isn't always helpful but I just wanted to ram home the point that overweight doesn't mean inactive or unhealthy or neglected. The 4yr old will eat ANY fruit or vegetable but the slim 7 yr old won't - the bigger child probably has a better, more nutritious diet for it. My step daughter is far more active than some of her peers (and I flipping love the confidence that rugby has given her about her size) but can't fit clothes for 9-10 year olds so I'm sure your facebook "friend" would judge her and her parents negatively for it.

A sugar tax won't stop people from overfeeding their kids and not seeing they get enough exercise though.

Some people will still feed adult sized portions to very small children, they'll still think a couple of hours of PE per week or walking to school is sufficient exercise, they'll still carry snacks everywhere so their children never know that hunger is a natural feeling and not 'the enemy'. They'll still ban all crisps, sweets, biscuits etc from the house because as adults, they still haven't mastered self control - thus making those foods far more interesting to their kids than they probably should be.

Some people will still insist that because a very tiny minority have received letters saying their kids are overweight when they're not, they won't be allowing them to take part in the national measuring scheme - despite the fact the letter will be sent to them and not the children.

Some people will still blame the food industry, the government and a whole host of other things, instead of ensuring their children have a healthy diet and enough exercise to burn off any excess fat.

Unless attitudes change and people start to take responsibility, a sugar tax is going to do diddly squat. Today's overweight children will be the overweight Mumsnetters of the future...posting here to blame their parents/childhoods for their weight issues, just like a lot of today's Mumsnetters do.

A never ending circle.

Way too much information there sorry and I know that anecdotal information isn't always helpful but I just wanted to ram home the point that overweight doesn't mean inactive or unhealthy or neglected.

no need to ram home the point. No one has said all kids classified as over weight are neglected. Just that it can be neglect.

Does your sd look obese? Does it stop her doing things? Doesn't sound like it. So that's not neglect. That doesn't mean that a child being very over weight is never down to neglect.

Earlier I suggested that a lot of parents neglect the health of their children through ignorance. To me that is not the same as wilful neglect, i.e leaving a child at home alone for hours etc. I know that that type of neglect is a type of abuse. I just think some parents who are also obese and have been brought up with bad eating habits and portion awareness know no different. Some of these parents don't read newspapers or watch those informative TV shows . Unfortunately these days we pussy foot around the subject of being fat. People refer to 'big' people when they are fat. XXL clothes shouldn't be available. It's too easy to stay fat these days.

I think for my friends with this problem, they already do cook healthy meals. They just have dc who whatever the circumstances, will try and grasp more than their fare share of the food on offer.

Be it at parties, the school disco, visiting friends for tea. They just want more food all the time and they can go on and on about it.

The two I'm thinking of particularly, would steal food off other babies' highchairs from the time they were weaning. As toddlers they'd rummage through strangers bags looking for snacks. Now, if they go to a party, they'll pile their plate high with biscuits and cakes and work their way through them, sitting at the table long after everybody else has got down. They both have packed lunches because school dinners are not enough. They'll trade things in their packed lunch for others' treats. If they're given money to spend on a trip, they spend it all on sweets and make sure they're all eaten before they get home. Any sweets given out at school are crammed into their mouths before they come out of the exit. I've seen them bullying others to try and get sweets off them, having eaten their own.

I don't know how you get them out of that mindframe. Their mum's have had to restrict the sugary foods at home. Which just makes them more determined to get their hands on them. But it was noticeable from when they were weaning.

blobbity I know exactly what you mean . I know chn like that but it's up to parents to say no. Give them filling healthy foods, enough protein and fibre so they don't feel hungry. Junk doesn't fill for long.