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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is having overweight kids child abuse?

1000 replies

Mummyme1987 · 28/03/2016 11:52

A friend posted on Fb that parents with fat kids are child abusers. Except for kids with medical problems. It started with comments on how it's awful that there's a generous fit section in clothes shops. I'm shocked that people think this. I think the majority of parents don't just feed their kids crap, and some kids are bigger than others, and unless it is a very extreme case it's not child abuse. Thoughts?

OP posts:
captainfarrell · 29/03/2016 09:17

Yes portion control is seriously out of kilter for some. Yes you can have ONE slice of cake, ONE individual packet of crisps but I've seen mums who let their kids have 2 or 3 slices of cake or servings of a pudding or a family bag of crisps. I have to pick my jaw up off the floor!

someonestolemynick · 29/03/2016 09:18

Curren, it has been said before: it's not a one size for all.

Being overweight is by no means desirable, but it's not the massive disaster people are making it out to be.

The emphasis should be on health, not weight. Healthy food and excercise will produce healthy and stable children in a variety of sizes.

It's interesting that you think my family went about it the wrong way because they did what many posters here advocated: trying to moderate my intake and encouraging excercise.
It's just not as simple as that: I definitely noticed that the adults were trying to "fix me" and I don't think I was unique. Biologically calories in v calories out may very well be true, but it doesn't address the underlying psychological issues. These need to be adressed, if you an overweight child is to stop overeating.

Thornrose · 29/03/2016 09:18

If you can keep your (SN?) son at a healthy weight other parents can too, surely. It may take more effort depending on your children, be it physical or mental disabilities or simply a propensity to eat too much.

That's a little naive! Every child is different. Some have MH problems on top of physical issues which make them agarophobic and unable to even go for walks let alone runs in crowded places.

It's probably best not to remind parents of dd with SEN that parenting is about making the extra effort. Every day most of us make extra effort just to get through the day.

AppleSetsSail · 29/03/2016 09:21

Late to the thread, but I think it's incredibly poor parenting to have a very overweight young child. Given how widespread it is, it couldn't be considered abuse - it's merely our new reality.

thebestfurchinchilla · 29/03/2016 09:21

Oh come on thornrose how many kids are agoraphobic? Most fat kids are that way because they eat too much, getting out for a walk is not as effective as portion control.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/03/2016 09:21

"These parents don't mean to harm their children even if they actually are. "

But there has been so much awareness about obesity and healthy eating in the last few years. It's hard to believe some people still don't understand it. It can't be ignorance.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 29/03/2016 09:22

someone actually yes, child obesity IS a disaster

thebestfurchinchilla · 29/03/2016 09:22

gwenhwfar So you think they do it on purpose?

AppleSetsSail · 29/03/2016 09:23

Being overweight is by no means desirable, but it's not the massive disaster people are making it out to be.

I don't know about 'disaster' but it significantly increases the risk of disease pretty much across the board.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/03/2016 09:23

"Being overweight is by no means desirable, but it's not the massive disaster people are making it out to be."

Have you seen the other thread in 'active' where the OP says it's ruined her life?

JeanGenie23 · 29/03/2016 09:25

I disagree with this "Curren, it has been said before: it's not a one size for all."

As adults of course we are all different shapes and sizes but no one is born obese, you become that.

Owllady · 29/03/2016 09:25

That's not true about all children with SN. I have a daughter who has SLD,autism etc and takes medication for epilepsy which makes her ravenous. Problems are limited diet, not ever feeling hungry or full, lack of exercise due to physical disabilities or sensory issues regarding leaving the house. It's very complex and I completely understand why a child with a significant learning disability is more likely to develop a weight problem. It's luck rather than judgement that my daughter is within range (her bum is 18.5 so quite low) but we have had periods where she is on the larger side.

There's also prada willi syndrome too to consider

Thornrose · 29/03/2016 09:25

Of course it's rare and relates to a small amount of children. My point was in direct response to the post that said because one parent can keep her child with Sen at a healthy weight why can't all parents.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/03/2016 09:25

I think child abuse is a strong accusation. These parents don't mean to harm their children even if they actually are

Very few child abusers actually set out to abuse a child, very few even realise there actions are abusive, very few even when told repeatedly ever understand it is even having spent months and months going through first the support systems and then the safeguarding process, they still do not get it.

With the exclusion of sexual abuse the over whelming majority of the parents ive known who walk out of court having had a child removed and in many cases freed up for adoption STILL have no idea that their behaviour is abusive and most of the time it's the fault of the bitch SW or guardian or the judge must be on the take.

When you are talking emotional abuse or neglect or lower level but ongoing physical abuse they rarely mean to be abusive.

Does this make calling it abuse a strong accusation that shouldn't be used? Of course it does not

thebestfurchinchilla · 29/03/2016 09:29

I would say it's neglect via ignorance.

finallydelurking · 29/03/2016 09:30

Very good post sockamnesty

herecomethepotatoes · 29/03/2016 09:31

"It's probably best not to remind parents of dd with SEN that parenting is about making the extra effort. Every day most of us make extra effort just to get through the day."

I'm sure you do and I think you're fantastic for doing so and that's what I meant to say to the other person.

I spoke about metal and physical issues. People (I) here aren't talking about children with genuine issues, but those with lazy parents.

AppleSetsSail · 29/03/2016 09:32

I have one super-skinny kid, 13 (we affectionately refer to him as 'the heroin addict') and one kid, 10, who tends to get a chubby tummy during the downward tick of growth spurts. My husband first broached the subject with the latter in the context of its impact on his sport.

He's now pretty good about self-regulating to avoid an expanding middle and we'll put both kids on the treadmill if they've had a couple of days off sports.

This is how we managed the situation, it wasn't as awkward as I expected.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/03/2016 09:32

thebestfurchinchilla - I don't know really. I do think some parents who are themselves obese might subconsciously want their children to resemble them, you even see obese people with obese pets. I'm not sure what the reason is in most cases (denial maybe?) but I can't believe it's ignorance as there has been so much public education about the issue.

The thing is that even if they don't think they're doing it on purpose to harm the child, that doesn't mean it's not neglect. If someone argued that children don't need to brush their teeth, that would be neglect even if that parent isn't trying to be nasty. Similarly, parents who submit their children to genital mutilation might think they're doing the right thing, but it still abusive (I'm not saying that parents of overweight children are the same as parents who have their children mutilated btw, it's just an example to show that abuse doesn't have to be purposefully nasty).

thebestfurchinchilla · 29/03/2016 09:34

As I said I think it's neglect via ignorance rather than abuse.

Gwenhwyfar · 29/03/2016 09:36

"As I said I think it's neglect via ignorance rather than abuse."

What are they ignorant of? Don't they know their child is overweight? Even if their perspective is skewed don't schools inform parents these days? Can't they compare with the child's friend?
Are they ignorant of what makes someone fat? I can believe that some people don't realise fizzy drinks and juices are bad, but they must know that eating too much and eating the wrong stuff makes you fat?

PestilentialCat · 29/03/2016 09:38

There's people upthread chanting "calories out, calories in" - hallehlujah they've solved it!!

It is simply calories in, calories out. That is it. It is possible to remain slim living on takeaways & ready meals & gain weight on a vegetarian diet. Obviously it is not healthy to eat poorly, even if you are slim, especially if you are not exercising. Even salad is fattening if you can chomp your way through enough of it - some of the largest animals on the planet eat no meat or fat at all.

It is simply not true that all teenagers make unhealthy choices once they get the chance, but I can see how they might if they're been raised on the beige crap "children's food" type meals, or given a McD's as a "treat" I'd rather chew off my own arm than eat it. There is absolutely no reason why children can't & don't enjoy proper healthy food, and occasional unhealthy treats - nothing wrong with treats in moderation.

And yes, moderation means once or twice a week, not once or twice a day!

Also a treat doesn't have to be edible - aaargh!

There is a lot of clap trap talked about fruit & veg containing "empty calories" - what a load of bollocks - I worked with an enormous woman on a diet which allowed her to eat literally a mixing bowl full of salad every lunchtime - with a greasy dressing, naturally. She wasn't getting any slimmer, but felt she was making an effort because she would have preferred to be eating stodge.

thebestfurchinchilla · 29/03/2016 09:39

If my DD has 2 biscuits and asks for a 3rd I say no that's enough. Same goes for more than 1 slice of cake, more than 2 weetabix, more than 1 packet of crisps, more than 1 yoghurt.It's what my mum did. It's called portion control. My DC just know it themselves now they are teen and preteen. Only yesterday my DH had an Easter fairy cake my DD had made and offered her one and she said "No thanks I've had one today." No one has to eat kale and buy nutribullets, just don't be and don't allow your chn to be greedy.

Thornrose · 29/03/2016 09:44

Here I know that the thread is about lazy parents or parents making bad choices on the whole. I really wasn't looking for affirmation of my parenting. Blush

I suppose I just wanted to try to explain that it can be genuinely hard for some parents.

curren · 29/03/2016 09:45

I think child abuse is a strong accusation. These parents don't mean to harm their children even if they actually are.

Some are just wilfully ignoring their children's needs so it's neglect.

Curren, it has been said before: it's not a one size for all.

Being overweight is by no means desirable, but it's not the massive disaster people are making it out to be.

Yes it can be. It can be an actual disaster. From a health point of view. And from a mental well being point of view.

It's interesting that you think my family went about it the wrong way because they did what many posters here advocated:

welcome to parenting. Some things work for some children and families. Not every way works for all your children you clearly think your family didn't help you but only made it worse. So it didn't help.

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