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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want everyone to 'take turns' feeding DD

86 replies

SweetElizaRose · 27/03/2016 20:53

Dh's family are awful for passing my daughter around from one to another. This afternoon they all wanted a turn at 'nursing her. She is nearly 14 weeks old but was two months prem. I have quite a bit of anxiety around feeding her anyway as she had a nose peg at first and still doesn't have a big appetite. It's difficult to get much milk into her and she has reflux. The best way to feed her is quietly, in a darkish and quiet room. Otherwise she twists and turns and comes on and off the bottle.
So that is partly why I don't want her passed around like a toy. Secondly I am exclusively feeding her breast milk. I was desperate to breast feed but failed so I am expressing. I sort of feel like if I'd succeeded they wouldn't be able to pass her around feeding her but instead I have to provide the milk and then they get a 'turn.' As though I'm a cow or something! Mil actually knocked the bedroom door whilst I was expressing and demanded to know how much longer I'd be as my sister in law was 'waiting to nurse dd.'
Dh is useless. He never stands up to his mother. Apparently this is acceptable behaviour.
Aibu to not want to pass my baby from person to person? She won't feed like this anyway, she just gets frustrated and it adds to my anxiety over how much milk she has.

OP posts:
TweeBee · 27/03/2016 20:59

No I think YANBU. I felt like this with ds who I wanted to ebf. I'd tell them hv or someone advised that you should feed baby as skin to skin sort of thing to boost your milk production.

cees · 27/03/2016 21:01

Can you just say no to them, sorry but it unsettles her to much to be passed around like a plate of biscuits.

Also get dh on side, he needs to back you up.

BloodyHell33 · 27/03/2016 21:01

YADNBU.

If it was me, I'd head out with her each time she needed a feed and briefly explain why, letting DP see to the rest.

You are nursing your prem baby. Fuck their feelings.

And seriously your DH needs to get onside OP.

It's you and him against the world now, he needs to be onside.

MamaLazarou · 27/03/2016 21:02

YANBU! They are being weird! 'Nursing' her, FFS. Sorry they are making you feel this way.

Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 21:04

Why are you allowing this? Have you not connected with your baby?

Luckystar1 · 27/03/2016 21:05

No yanbu at all. Presumably your DD was in hospital for quite a while? You need to be able to bond with her now, as you wish.

And very well done to you for expressing!! I ebf and on the very rare occasions I expressed to try and give DS a bottle (unsuccessfully!) it was a thankless task so I am in awe of your perseverance! Well done!

SoftSheen · 27/03/2016 21:05

YANBU. Simple rule: only you (and DH, if you want) feed the baby.

Consider getting a good wrap sling, so you can pop your baby in and prevent any passing around.

Arkhamasylum · 27/03/2016 21:06

Your instincts are right, OP. I think the suggestion of 'health visitor says no' is a really good one.

If they want a dolly, they should buy one.

FattyNinjaOwl · 27/03/2016 21:06

Yanbu.
My lot were/are ff and none prem, yet the first few weeks only me or dad fed them. And it was very. Rarely dad as they wouldn't take a bottle for him.

QuiteLikely5 · 27/03/2016 21:07

Why not feed her then let them hold her? Sorry but I do disagree that your baby should be kept exclusively for you.

Babies need love and nurturing and a few people holding/giving cuddles is exactly what baby needs.

hazeyjane · 27/03/2016 21:08

Buzzardbird, that sounded a bit harsh!

Op yanbu. When I came home with ds he had awful reflux, this is the reason I gave for needing it to be dh or I feeding him.

Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 21:10

No, it is a genuine question. I found myself allowing things to happen when my baby was tiny, I look back now and think "what the fuck was I thinking?". I suspect I wasn't well.

napmeistergeneral · 27/03/2016 21:11

Of course you are not being unreasonable. She is your baby and she is also an individual, not, as you say, a toy to have a turn with. Her comfort during feeding is more important than anything else. Tell them they can hold her once she has fed by you, if you are happy with that. People will try and push your boundaries but be clear where those boundaries are, be confident, and stay firm.

RupertPupkin · 27/03/2016 21:11

Yanbu. It's your baby, not a toy for everyone to have a go on. Take That baby back, and tell people who knock on your door to piss off and make you a cup of tea, pronto.

TitusAndromedon · 27/03/2016 21:15

That's really unfair, Buzzard. The OP made it clear that she feels overruled by her in-laws and she doesn't have her husband's support. It doesn't mean that she hasn't "connected" with her baby.

OP, in your situation I would excuse myself matter of factly and retreat to a quiet room. No need to explain yourself. If anyone asks, just say you'll be out shortly, but she feeds best that way. My babies are 18 weeks old and, although it's hard to stand up for myself in these situations, I just try to remind myself that I'm doing what's best for them, and that gives me a bit more courage.

emwantsbiscuits · 27/03/2016 21:16

YANBU at all. You know your daughter the best and so you should do the feedings if you feel that's right. Your daughter is a baby not a toy, I can't stand it when people demand to feed/see/hold babies with no consideration for the child's needs.

Your MIL is being extremely unreasonable. Being pressured to finish early is hardly good for your supply and that's not good for you or DD. Angry she sounds so rude

Arkhamasylum · 27/03/2016 21:16

Why not feed her then let them hold her? Sorry but I do disagree that your baby should be kept exclusively for you

Babies need love and nurturing and a few people holding/giving cuddles is exactly what baby needs.**

That is not good advice. A little baby needs to be fed and cuddled by a primary carer/ carers. 'Baby' is a person, not a parcel and needs to be fed properly.

Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 21:18

No, it's not 'unfair' Titus, it's a genuine question. I too felt 'overpowered' and that I couldn't object. I know if I had felt stronger, this never could have happened.
OP may have a problem with standing up for herself and her baby by the sound of it.

Griphook · 27/03/2016 21:19

Yanbu to want to feed her yourself
But yabu to not let them have a little hold

littleleftie · 27/03/2016 21:22

YANBU

DH needs to be far more wary of upsetting you than of upsetting his mummy.

ReturnoftheWhack · 27/03/2016 21:23

I FF both of mine, but only DH and I fed them for at least the first 12 or so weeks, predominantly me.

Cantusethatname · 27/03/2016 21:26

Buzzard - I know just what you mean.
Normally I stand up for myself. But when DS3 was born in 2001 he needed to be taken up to the special care ward every 12 hours for antibiotics. The nurse who came to get him had always just come off a fag break and STANK (this was before the smoking ban) The usual me would have said she could not take him, but the postnatal me sobbed hysterically and powerlessly as he was wheeled away.
Poor OP you need someone to stick up for you until you can do it yourself again. Talk to your husband. He needs to help you.

donajimena · 27/03/2016 21:27

No you aren't being unreasonable given your explanation but I completely understand why they would want to. Can you take her off to a quiet room to feed and then offer cuddles at a different time?

TitusAndromedon · 27/03/2016 21:29

She may, Buzzard, or it could just be the family dynamic. I know it can be very difficult to rock the boat with in-laws, particularly when you don't have the support of your partner. I see your point, but I think it's quite abrupt to question the bond she has with her child.

unimaginativename13 · 27/03/2016 21:31

I think sometimes people are just trying to be helpful. My parents do the feeds everytime I see them, they see it as giving me a break and they enjoy doing it. DS is difficult to feed so they were keen to learn how it was done. It help when they looked after him so I could get some important errands done I felt comfortable that they could feed him.

If I didn't want it this way I would certainly tell people, how are they suppose to know unless you say.