To not want everyone to 'take turns' feeding DD

[SweetElizaRose]

Dh's family are awful for passing my daughter around from one to another. This afternoon they all wanted a turn at 'nursing her. She is nearly 14 weeks old but was two months prem. I have quite a bit of anxiety around feeding her anyway as she had a nose peg at first and still doesn't have a big appetite. It's difficult to get much milk into her and she has reflux. The best way to feed her is quietly, in a darkish and quiet room. Otherwise she twists and turns and comes on and off the bottle.
So that is partly why I don't want her passed around like a toy. Secondly I am exclusively feeding her breast milk. I was desperate to breast feed but failed so I am expressing. I sort of feel like if I'd succeeded they wouldn't be able to pass her around feeding her but instead I have to provide the milk and then they get a 'turn.' As though I'm a cow or something! Mil actually knocked the bedroom door whilst I was expressing and demanded to know how much longer I'd be as my sister in law was 'waiting to nurse dd.'
Dh is useless. He never stands up to his mother. Apparently this is acceptable behaviour.
Aibu to not want to pass my baby from person to person? She won't feed like this anyway, she just gets frustrated and it adds to my anxiety over how much milk she has.

They sound like an absolute nightmare and your DH is only adding to this crap. As for them saying they want to "nurse the baby" - WTF? They are trampling all over any sort of normal boundaries. I would be just going to the bedroom and locking yourself in and telling them all to fuck off if needs be. If they want a baby to feed, tell them they can get their own or buy a doll. Selfish twats.

Also, it's not too late to go back to breastfeeding. Seek some help from a professional and it's very possible - you just need help with the latch. for you.

Your DH is the problem here though - he needs to support you. Can you get health visitor or GP to mention it to him?

YANBU and this is from a MiL

I can't believe how insensitive your ILs are being. DH needs to man up and ban all these visits too.

p.s. congratulations on your LO

You could tell them that the health visitor/a nnu Nurse/doctor has told you that t you and dad need to do the feeds at the moment there are very very valid reasons for this: 1 your baby was in nnu and you both had to go through painful separation amd I expect many different people caring for her which must have been tough on both of you. Being the main feeders and holders of your baby is part of establishing that warm secure and unbreakable bond of attachment. Your strong attachment to her is why it hurts you when someone else holds her. 2, she is still learning to feed, bottle feeding a preterm baby is a sensitive process, you know her cues and how to respond to them to stop her getting overwhelmed. it might help your other half if he can blame it on a professional rather than feel like he's arguing with his family. It's natural for you to feel this tigress protection over your baby. If your feelings are overwhelming or you start worrying lots about bad things happening please speak to someone who can help. Post natal anxiety is very common and there's lots of resources out there if that is how you are feeling xxxx

No YANBU. I used to hate this with my twins who were borderline premature and DD2 in particular was an easily distracted feeder. I had no problem with people doing it who would try to do it properly - MIL was good, and one of my friends who had had nothing to do with babies till then but was happy to be told what to do - but my mother and some of my other relatives were just shit at it, and I would step in. DD2 had a tendency to take a small feed if distracted and then not drink any more, which meant that a) she'd be awake again in 90 minutes and b) she would be put of phase with her sister all night, things my family did not give a shit about as they wouldn't have to deal with it. I know they all thought I was totally OCD recording how much my girls had ed and when. Fuckers never had to do 6 night feeds per night though.

YADNBU! Your baby, your rules. End of story.

If they ask (demand) to feed her, just say "No thank you, it's best if I feed her.".

No further explanation is needed, but if you want to you could add "We find her reflux is worse when other people feed her. She gets a very sore stomach. I know you wouldn't want that. You can have a cuddle when I'm finished."

And your DH definitely needs to back you up. It is not usual for extended family members to feed the baby, especially a prem baby with reflux! Show him this thread if it will help.

This video of Steve Harvey might be helpful, or at least give you a laugh:

I feel your pain! But don't think it's because you aren't breastfeeding. They would still pass her around and want turns just at another time. I had exactly this. It used to drive me crazy. They are not toys! I am afraid you have to be robust and your husband has to man up and back you up. Mine was equally useless but we found ways to distract them from the baby - showing them stuff, drawing them into conversations. I used to take the baby into another room to feed and then say she had gone to sleep. The other thing that drove me mad was the thrusting of cameras (flash and all) into her eyes. stick the baby in the sling and keep her in there. They would have to physically manhandle you to get her! And she is young enough to be happy in there for long periods! If you are strong about it they will get the message and you will make it easier for the longer term!

YANBU OP. I second getting a sling. I mix fed DD and learned to breast and bottle feed in a sling. Do that, don't take her out, they can not physically remove her from you that way. She's also going to feel safe and secure next to you and may even feed better because of it.

I'd also have a serious chat with DH and tell him how this is making you feel. If he still isn't supportive when he knows how much it's upsetting you, then that's the time to put your foot down and stop visiting.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are in charge here. Almost all of us go through this in some way when we become mothers, you have your own ideas about what's right for your baby but you don't quite have the confidence yet to tell everyone else that you know best. But you do know best, for your baby.

Oh, and you didn't fail at breastfeeding. You are successfully exclusively pumping for a baby who was 2 months prem. That is an incredible feat and you should be very proud of yourself.

kiwigeekmum that clip is amazing!

OP, your baby is only 5-6 weeks old corrected. She is a tiny baby who needs her mum and frankly everyone else can fuck off. I suggest you find your inner tiger (it is in their somewhere I know it) and tell DH to sort his family out. In fact his family now is you and DD.

It never ceases to amaze me that me and DH who have minimal experience of babies, not much interest in them and are as unmaternal/paternal as they come have a better idea about how to behave around babies and their parents than people who supposedly really really like them You ask if you can hold them, give them back when they cry and then go and do the washing up. Easy.

OP and much for expressing. My DD was not prem but wouldn't latch for a few weeks and i exclusively pumped during that time. But i also continued skin to skin, offered boob, then expressed, and eventually got her on the boob (where she remains at 18 months )

If it is something you would like to try, enlist your DHs supoort in sayong you are trying to get DD onto the breast and so you need peace and quiet to follow the boob, express routine. I used to pump whilst DD was having her expressed bottle with skin to skin and to make sure my body matched her feeding schedule. I obviously can not tell you if your DD will latch, but i know many ladies including myself who have managed to establish feeding. Please see breastfeeding yummy mummies or breastfeeding younger babies on facebook for tons of helpful advice should you want to explore this option.

I anticipate, from your OP, that your in laws will not be supportive of this course, but if you choose to go this way make sure you get DH on side.

YANBU and FWIW i don't think anyone shpuld have to have excuses for who they want to feed their child. Expressed milk, bf or ff.

I have a 6 month old who prefers quiet corner for breast or bottle, however when proper eating like to be with everyone. Be strong OP they can have a turn feeding (and cleaning) when shes old enough and ready.

Don't touch my baby