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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want everyone to 'take turns' feeding DD

86 replies

SweetElizaRose · 27/03/2016 20:53

Dh's family are awful for passing my daughter around from one to another. This afternoon they all wanted a turn at 'nursing her. She is nearly 14 weeks old but was two months prem. I have quite a bit of anxiety around feeding her anyway as she had a nose peg at first and still doesn't have a big appetite. It's difficult to get much milk into her and she has reflux. The best way to feed her is quietly, in a darkish and quiet room. Otherwise she twists and turns and comes on and off the bottle.
So that is partly why I don't want her passed around like a toy. Secondly I am exclusively feeding her breast milk. I was desperate to breast feed but failed so I am expressing. I sort of feel like if I'd succeeded they wouldn't be able to pass her around feeding her but instead I have to provide the milk and then they get a 'turn.' As though I'm a cow or something! Mil actually knocked the bedroom door whilst I was expressing and demanded to know how much longer I'd be as my sister in law was 'waiting to nurse dd.'
Dh is useless. He never stands up to his mother. Apparently this is acceptable behaviour.
Aibu to not want to pass my baby from person to person? She won't feed like this anyway, she just gets frustrated and it adds to my anxiety over how much milk she has.

OP posts:
CallMeDollFace · 27/03/2016 22:43

I had this exact scenario with mil. It pretty much ruined my relationship with her. YADNBU

And fwiw I absolutely fucking hate the term 'nursing' because it was thrown around so much at the time. 'Oooh let me have a little nurse' etc

Please tell them all to sod off and do what feels right for you and your baby.

wizzywig · 27/03/2016 22:44

Why do you inlaws call it 'nursing' the baby?

BertrandRussell · 27/03/2016 22:47

Lots of people, particularly in the North say "nurse" for "cuddle". It's just dialect.

lightgreenglass · 27/03/2016 22:51

I completely understand how you feel. DS2 was 5 weeks prem and was a mare to feed. I was/am also expressing for the bottle for him. He had to be lying down in a quiet room then he won't fuss (even now at 9 months), people kept trying to feed him in their arms which would give me the rage and I'd let them know. They used to try and get him to fall asleep in their arms - again wasn't going to happen. You need to be firm and say, she doesn't like it like that and show them the best way so she doesn't get frustrated or say I'll do it.

CallMeDollFace · 27/03/2016 22:51

It makes my skin crawl. I realise I am probably bu but there you go.

Original poster
SweetElizaRose · 27/03/2016 22:56

I don't care for the term 'nurse' either.
Mil definitely means feed and not hold in this instance.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 27/03/2016 22:59

I exclusively expressed (8 months) so I hear you OP. While I loved that DH and others could feed DD (he worked away during the week and parents lived abroad) it was because I wasn't under any pressure to let them.

I always had DD with me when I was expressing as it added a lot to each pump. Set some ground rules now. These people are not behaving as friends, never mind family.

elliejjtiny · 27/03/2016 23:13

YANBU. I understand how you feel. My ds4 was born with a cleft lip and palate so I expressed for him. I was very sensitive about who fed him. Your baby, your rules in this situation I think. If they really want to feed her, maybe they'd like to do the 3am feed!

EllsTeeth · 27/03/2016 23:14

This makes me so angry on your behalf OP. I hope the overwhelming support you're getting on here gives you the courage to stand up for yourself and your baby. My mother in law tried to be overbearing with my first baby. We made a 5 hour round trip to visit her with 3 month old DS while very sleep deprived, she (literally) snatched him off me, sulked when I wrestled him back and told her he needed feeding (had been 2.5h in the car), barged in on me feeding (I ebf) on purpose and bitched about how in her day you fed in front of everyone and "just got on with it", then insisted she "knew how to feed a baby" and told my DH to feed the baby "granny's mashed potato" - "go on, GIVE it to him", after we'd just had a conversation about how I would start weaning him on to solids at 6 months... She got short shift and her relationship with her grandchildren has suffered as a result (was other stuff as well). Please stand up for what your baby needs. As others have suggested, if you must be in the same house with her, "the mw/ GP said she should only be fed by me for now, you can have a cuddle later" then off to a locked room to feed. No negotiation. I really feel for you, this is the last thing you need to contend with right now. And your husband should grow a pair and stand up for you Flowers

EllsTeeth · 27/03/2016 23:16

And I meant to say big big well done to you for expressing for this long. What a monumental effort you've made. Look after yourself and good luck Flowers

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2016 23:20

Kick your DH up the arse.

His problem. Not yours.

Your baby needs consistency not passing around.

(PS try breastfeeding again in a few weeks DS didn't learn until he was 4months and I've since been told this isn't uncommon)

rosieliveson1 · 27/03/2016 23:25

In this instance, it may be a good idea to make some excuse about her weight gain and or needing to stimulate supply and say that feeding needs to be done exclusively by you 'skin to skin' so you will be feeding on the privacy of your own room. I did this with DS1 but it was true. I was advised to feed him skin to skin (baby in nappy, full boobs out) to stimulate supply. Always fed baby upstairs in my room. I could see epip were disappointed that he was 'whisked away' at first but it became the accepted norm. This will work even though your aren't breastfeeding and baby still needs your breast milk.
Good luck. I know it's hard but don't be bullied. Nothing can bring these precious times back and you don't want to look back and feel robbed of them 💐

PerpendicularVincent · 27/03/2016 23:27

Stand your ground and refuse anything that makes you uncomfortable

Bunnybop · 27/03/2016 23:33

Only me and dh fed our babies until around 4 months. I also didn't let anyone hold them when they were sleeping which didn't always go down well but tough.

MrsAmaretto · 27/03/2016 23:51

Only myself or dh ff our babies. It's a bonding thing for me, I just wasn't having anyone else do it. I'd politely say "no thanks, I like feeding baby" and after a few months people got the hint and stopped asking!

Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 23:53

I'm glad you are well bonded. Stand your ground then. Don't let up. Can't believe the stupid idiots can't see the anxiety on your face when they are feeding the baby all the time. That is such an important bonding time for the baby. Bloody idiots.

VelvetCushion · 27/03/2016 23:57

Buzzardbird assuming you have not connected with baby Confused out of order comment that was

MozzchopsThirty · 28/03/2016 00:00

BFI recommends for breast or bottle fed babies that this is done by parents or main carers

YANBU or PFB you're following baby friendly guidelines

Buzzardbird · 28/03/2016 00:06

Velvet, didn't say that though did I? Feeding a baby is a very important part of bonding. I asked if she had problems with bonding as she didn't feel able to stand her ground with her own baby. She has said she is bonded, so that is great. Now stop trying to derail with your own agenda please.

pigsDOfly · 28/03/2016 00:37

What the hell is the matter with your ILs?

Your tiny baby is trying to establish feeding. You both need time, quiet and to be able to relax to get this to happen successfully. Every time they take over they're messing with the progress you've made so far.

Expressing is hard you need all the time and support you can get and your DH needs to have your back.

Agree with pps, retire to your bedroom and lock the door when feeding, and stick to your guns. She's your baby. She's not entertainment for your MIL or anyone else.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/03/2016 00:43

My first born was born at 41 weeks and was a healthy 9 pounds.

I wouldn't have wanted anyone passing him from person to person to feed at 14 weeks,

Feeding is by an large an intimate act between newborn (as is a 14 week old, and especially a premmie) and mother - in some cases father/other primary person.

It isn't something to entertain the troops. it isn't a group activity. It isn't anything that isn't focused on 2 things-getting maximum nutrition into the baby with maximum time for connection with mother/father and baby (but mostly mother).

Your in laws are nuts and you have a duty to your dd to stop them acting like she is a doll for their amusement. and your husband needs to grow up fast and realise what having a small tiny vulnerable baby really means.

benedictcumberbatch · 28/03/2016 00:46

Awww! Your family just want to show that they care, they're not trying to hurt you or dd!

Why not take a nap when they come round? It will give you a chance to catch up on sleep!

SilverBirchWithout · 28/03/2016 00:56

Seriously the only acceptable behaviour from MIL is to ask 'is their anything I can do to help" or "can I get you anything" and then leave you in privacy when you say "no I'm fine thanks, just need a little peace and quiet for feeding DD"

Perhaps just quietly explain that it is important to be consistent in the way you feed DD and although you can understand they would love to feed her, at the moment that is just not possible. Then just simply keep repeating no that is not possible. Practise saying it over and over again.

EveryoneElsie · 28/03/2016 00:58

YANBU. Its not ok for MIL to knock on your door and demand you pay attention to the others. She doesnt even have the nous to pretend to show concern for you.

Can you show your DH this thread? He really needs to step up even if he doesnt like the idea.

AGnu · 28/03/2016 01:09

I would lie & say you're trying to establish bfing again & needed to do so in privacy. About the only thing I actually enjoyed about bfing I have sensory issues & hated the feeling was using it as an excuse to have a quiet half hour while staying with PILs. Didn't bother me feeding in front of most people but I do appreciate a bit of space sometimes!