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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want everyone to 'take turns' feeding DD

86 replies

SweetElizaRose · 27/03/2016 20:53

Dh's family are awful for passing my daughter around from one to another. This afternoon they all wanted a turn at 'nursing her. She is nearly 14 weeks old but was two months prem. I have quite a bit of anxiety around feeding her anyway as she had a nose peg at first and still doesn't have a big appetite. It's difficult to get much milk into her and she has reflux. The best way to feed her is quietly, in a darkish and quiet room. Otherwise she twists and turns and comes on and off the bottle.
So that is partly why I don't want her passed around like a toy. Secondly I am exclusively feeding her breast milk. I was desperate to breast feed but failed so I am expressing. I sort of feel like if I'd succeeded they wouldn't be able to pass her around feeding her but instead I have to provide the milk and then they get a 'turn.' As though I'm a cow or something! Mil actually knocked the bedroom door whilst I was expressing and demanded to know how much longer I'd be as my sister in law was 'waiting to nurse dd.'
Dh is useless. He never stands up to his mother. Apparently this is acceptable behaviour.
Aibu to not want to pass my baby from person to person? She won't feed like this anyway, she just gets frustrated and it adds to my anxiety over how much milk she has.

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 21:33

I don't think it is though, I think it is the most important question. A question I wished that someone had had the balls to ask me.

Nomorechickens · 27/03/2016 21:34

Put a lock on your bedroom door. Feed the baby in locked bedroom. If MiL calls through the door, say 'Yes, tea would be lovely thanks' . Or 'I'll be about an hour'. Or, listen to soothing music through noise cancelling headphones. Make a point of not coming out of the room for 5 minutes after you have finished feeding, to stop yourself feeling time pressured. You don't have to have a confrontation, just quietly do your own thing.

bloodyteenagers · 27/03/2016 21:36

I would tell the lot of them to fuck off out of my home.
I am not a cow to meet their fucking selfish desires. If they way to feed something so fucking badly they either have their own baby or buy one of those dolls.

Yes it might be blunt and hurt their feelings. And? I cannot do this pussy footing around people and let them walk all over overs, in case their feelings get hurt.. If your Dh won't stand up for you, well you do it. Or face their bollocks for a very long time.

Mishaps · 27/03/2016 21:39

Not unreasonable at all - darn cheek of them! Put your foot down with a firm hand! Your baby - your rules.

megletthesecond · 27/03/2016 21:41

Yanbu. She's not a toy.

Ban visitor's for a while. Yes, they'll be pissed off but it's tough. You'll both be a lot happier for bit.

OohMavis · 27/03/2016 21:46

She's a baby, not a doll. I cannot believe they disturbed you whilst you were expressing because they were getting tired of waiting

Are they there often? Sounds like a housefull. Nightmare.

Your DH needs to grow some fucking balls and tell them to leave off.

DrE678 · 27/03/2016 21:46

When I had my two a few years ago the advice was to only let mum and dad feed the baby, as it was important for bonding, for as long as possible. I think there's some truth in that for as long as it is practical.

Meeep · 27/03/2016 21:50

Tell them you like to feed her yourself.

HelsBels3000 · 27/03/2016 21:54

The best way to feed her is quietly, in a darkish and quiet room and how do you intend to do that for the foreseeable future? Just not practical. You are being a little PFB. This wouldn't work if you had an older toddler or child - quietly isn't in their vocabulary!

WellErrr · 27/03/2016 22:00

YANBU.

You need your husband on side and you need to stand up to them.

But can I say MASSIVE well done on expressing exclusively - expressing is really not easy and takes such dedication. You're doing brilliantly to get so far

ollieplimsoles · 27/03/2016 22:01

Hels why say that? The op's dd is 14 weeks old fgs! She isn't been pfb at all. Babies change all the time, and at the moment this is the best way to feed her.

Op its important for bonding that only the parents feed the babies first, the mws were very adamant about that when I was in hospital with dd. Stick up for yourself, give them a quick explanation and take yourself upstairs with a do not disturb sign.

InternalMonologue · 27/03/2016 22:01

HelsBels but the baby at the moment is only 14 weeks old, and premature at that. For now, peace and quiet is what this baby needs.

OP - YADNBU. If you want to feed your baby, then you feed your baby. The idea that babies are to be passed around, and that everyone gets a "turn" at feeding infuriates me. They only get to feed her if you ask them to.

And I second the advice to get a wrap sling if you haven't already, it can also massively with the reflux. Have a look at Victoria Sling Lady.

CornishDoll82 · 27/03/2016 22:01

She can choose to feed her baby however she wants helsbels3000. Her question wasn't on how best to feed her baby

WellErrr · 27/03/2016 22:01

This wouldn't work if you had an older toddler or child

Well she doesn't, does she?
So that's totally irrelevant.

CaffeineBomb · 27/03/2016 22:02

YANBU at all I bf my son and everyone still wanted to bottle feed him so they could have a go, drove me freakin nuts and is one of the things that really damaged my relationship with my in laws

Tell your DH he NEEDS to have your back on this right now, tell mil because of reflux issues you are doing the feeding alone in the bedroom and doing skin to skin to promote your supply

afussyphase · 27/03/2016 22:05

I think we (women) are strongly socialised to worry about and protect others' feelings, especially men's unfortunately, and that's why we get ourselves into these things. Their precious feeling about feeding your DD aren't as important as YOUR feelings. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, and don't let YOUR OWN feelings get hurt and undermined! I'm with bloodyteenagers on this one!

Original poster

SweetElizaRose · 27/03/2016 22:09

I am very bonded to dd. it makes me want to cry when I can see how frustrated she's getting having the bottle taken off her and then put back.
I just feel completely outnumbered and I've really struggled with anxiety and PND so find it hard to stand up for myself. They are very overbearing. Dh makes lots of excuses for his mother, particularly since FIL passed away. Truth be told she's never been any different.
I do have an older child actually. He does not disturb dd as much as passing her from person to person! I don't mind them holding her. It's the feeding that upsets me.
I don't always manage to feed her somewhere dark and quiet - I just know that's what works best and given that she hardly seems to eat anything some days it seems worth doing.

OP posts:

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 27/03/2016 22:10

For attachment purposes, babies should really be predominantly fed by their main carer, which if mum is around should be her really. It's fine for dad to do a few feeds but feeding is a vital part of attachment building and physiologically your baby is primed to feed from you, regardless of whether you breast or bottle feed.

ClopySow · 27/03/2016 22:17

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Nor or you being pfb.

I can't believe the shite people come out with on here but i suspect they're going to be MIL's from hell.

Try to find the courage and say no. They're being incredibly selfish.

imeatingthechocolate · 27/03/2016 22:20

hmmm you're expressing the milk? im not sure if its an old wives tale but it's easier to express if your baby is there?

WanderingNotLost · 27/03/2016 22:28

YANBU. If all they wanted is cuddles that would be one thing as it encourages babies to be sociable and not clingy, but not feeding. And your MILs behaviour is incredibly rude!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/03/2016 22:36

Is it not possible for your baby to learn to breastfeed? My friend's DD was premature and also required surgery on her mouth. My friend fed her expressed breast milk for many weeks, but as she grew stronger, she gradually learned to breastfeed.

That would keep your awful in laws from pestering you.

2016ismyyear · 27/03/2016 22:37

You are expressing and bottle feeding. That in itself is hard work.

Baby was prem and has reflux. Horrendous and not fun.

You feed your baby and get the eyes and gorgeous noises.

Pass your mother in law a bottle brush and give her the dirty bottles.

Then she can be involved in feeding.

Also agree get a sling. Also not too late to resume breastfeeding if you want to and can get help with latching.

chillycurtains · 27/03/2016 22:38

YANBU. You definitely need to stand your ground on this one until DD is very firmly established in feeding. I would honestly invest in a lock on the door of the room you feed in say your bedroom and feed in there. Then lock the door and feed and don't come out until she is ready. In-laws feelings definitely come second to your DD's needs.

chillycurtains · 27/03/2016 22:40

I wouldn't write off breastfeeding. Find a local breastfeeding clinic and get an appointment to see what support and help they can give with re-establishing it.

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