To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

Based on what you have said so far, I suspect your life has been negatively impacted - not ruined - by your parents, not your weight. Your weight issues are perhaps a symptom of underlying issues?

How old are you now? Even if you are eighty, it isn't too late to have fulfilling and rewarding relationships and build up your self esteem. It will be a big job though as it sounds as if your parents, and you yourself have done quite a number on you.

Counselling might help with a different counsellor - did you feel you gelled with the previous ones?

There is no way, absolutely no way, that you are unloveable because of your weight.

You do still have the chance to do something about all this but it will mean facing up to uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

whether you have met the right person or not doesn't really have anything to do with your weight as plenty of fat people manage to meet others and settle happily.

you can stop. you really can. you have tried one sort of counselling but there are lots of other options out there. you could join a slimming group for some support and also look into other types of behaviour therapy.

diets are not the answer. they are a quick fix, lose some weight type of thing. the only way to lose weight and keep it off is to change your habits permanently. slow losses of half to one pound a week, shop differently, cook differently and eat differently. take up an active hobby or several. it will help you meet people.
to be honest, you wont come across well if you are so depressed with yourself and your life. the old saying if you want someone else to love you first you have to love yourself is very true.

you have made a start. you have recognised that you have an issue. good luck and see tomorrow as the start of it all.

I agree many bigger people manage to meet others, but I do think men generally prefer slimmer women.

I think it's a bit different when you're younger.

In fact, I don't really know what I think. I DO know meeting someone won't happen for me, now, you do get to a point where you see it wont/can't happen.

I've tried with two counsellors; I liked them and felt I could speak to them but if someone asked me honestly do I feel it changed my life I would have to honestly say no, not at all. I intend no disrespect to counsellors but I think it's paraded as a bit of a magic pill and doesn't always work. I'd have been better spending the money I invested in counselling in a house deposit.

I have been there. Honestly I only sorted the weight out when I accepted that I couldn't control my past.

I can't change what happened, but I could control my life now. I could spend the rest of my life being miserable or I could do something.

I wasn't happy with my weight so did something. Every time I wanted to binge I reminded myself it wasn't going to help me get to my goal. Failed a few times. Didn't beat myself up, just started again.

I don't know you get to that point.

I think men prefer someone who is confident in their own skin and that includes their weight as well as their looks. I don't think you ever get to the point of thinking you wont meet someone. how old are you? in your 50's, 60's? even then I know plenty of people who have met and are in relationships at this age.

if the counselling hasn't worked then it is clearly not for you. you need to try something else. hypnotism, boot camp there are loads of things that you can try and one will work for you. if you just sit back and say that you are doomed to be fat and doomed to be single then it is a self fulfilling prophesy.

You can either let your past decide your future, or you can move on from it and create your own future.

All the counselling, talking, thinking back to your childhood, crying, screaming in the world is never going to make you slim.

The only thing that will, is to master the art of eating less and exercising more.

If you decide that's going to be too difficult and it's going to make you even more miserable, then it's ok to accept yourself for who you are - someone who eats too much and has an overweight body as a result.

Remember that are far worse things you can be in this life than fat, but if it makes you unhappy, only you can slim your body down.

*there are far worse things.

Thank you.

But if you cannot accept yourself as fat but cannot stay slim, that means - well I don't reel I can verbalise what it means on here.

Then perhaps you need to look at it from a different angle and work harder on accepting yourself as fat, rather than focussing solely on trying to lose weight?

Don't get me wrong, I think it would be tons better for your physical and mental health if you managed to slim down, but if you're saying that's never going to happen, perhaps eventual acceptance would make you happier.

It's a tough one but you either do it or you don't.

I'm not saying it's never going to happen Worra.

I think I understand this, as I have a disability and consequently have to do a lot of weight management and also pain management and they overlap to a massive degree. I would say that the answer probably lies in accepting this is a chronic issue you will have to manage for life, that lots of women have to manage it, that it is possible, and be really pleased with yourself when you manage to do it. Try to flip it around in your head as often as possible so you self-praise when you do the right thing, visualise yourself living a life where you do the right things, hang out with other people who do the right things, and make it a bit of a hobby to enjoy fitness, healthy cooking and so on. Basically, make sure you have a plan about how to do this, and the right thing becomes increasingly central to your daily life, so it is less fraught and more routine. If you have a setback, you just reboot the next day. Be kind to yourself.

I'm not saying it's never going to happen Worra.

OK that's a good start.

So when is it going to happen? Why not pick a date and prepare yourself fully for the hard slog ahead?

It'll definitely be worth it and best of all, you won't be inexactly this position next year or the year after that etc.

Things I do.

1. Home gym equipment. We originally converted the garage for DS over Christmas to up his fitness as he had been really ill, and the consultant recommended a lot more exercise for him, and we thought this was the easiest way given his problems. MNetters on here gave a lot of brilliant advice etc. The bonus has been that I am in there even more than DS these days and I feel a lot better.
2. Menu planning. If you do this it's easier to watch calories - last minute spontaneity all the time means people tend to over-eat. I think this spontaneity has a lot to do with the obesity epidemic, by the way.
3. Formal meals. Eating in from of the TV or smartphone causes over-eating.
4. Avoid spending too much time going out for meals with larger friends. I have a few friends who stuff themselves and this is infectious. I try to do different things with them otherwise I start to become less self-disciplined as they think over-indulgence is normal and it really shouldn't be.
5. Low alcohol intake. Off the sauce it is much easier to manage weight.

I know daisy, it's amazing they even looked twice at such a fat fuck.

So given that daisy has helpfully established that even when I was slim I was actually deluded and fat, never mind.

I really shouldn't have posted as I know the only answer is counselling and if just isn't effective. Thanks. It's me. Sorry.

Daisy, perhaps the OP is just better looking?

Follow all those I can boffin. Teetotal, I don't really have any fat friends I can't do formal meals or gym equipment due to home size but yeah, I'm still fat. Thanks.

Thanks Worra

I don't think the only answer is counselling though.

Perhaps identifying your binge eating triggers and going all out to prepare for them is the way forward?

Maybe think of some distraction techniques, drink plenty of water, go for a run, binge on something healthier?

There must be other options to consider.

Do you do MyFitnessPal food diary and exercise log? Or similar?

Oh daisy. Really? You really posted that?? What an arsehole.

OP, I am not sure how helpful I can be but I didn't want to not respond.

A couple of years ago I gained a lot of weight. With hindsight it was a mistake - and a waste of time for me - to try and unpack it emotionally. I appreciate that might not apply to you. I just remember nearly being in tears in a slimming class trying to explain my muddled emotions about being fat and no one understood what I was saying...it was grim.

After I decided to see it as a more mechanical process I began to lose weight slowly.

I might get flamed for this but I'm mates with someone who does counselling and support for drug addicts and from talking to her, I realised that some of my overeating (mostly at work) was triggered by raging boredom. Is that applicable to you?

I also wonder if you are really over the age that you can have children? I have a weird feeling you are going to tell us you are 30something and not 60something.

I think the first thing to do is to admit that change is possible. You might not choose it but once it becomes an active choice to do one or the other, you may feel less trapped. I also wonder what you are really feeding with binge eating. I was - stupidly - trying to feed my brain because at work, which I obviusly hvae to do to earn a living - there was no other source of entertainment and it was just crushing boredom.

it's not always that easy to find another job either and I'm not the type to enjoy work - I now work at home 2 days a week which has massively improved my mental health and stopped me overeating.

I am sorry if none of this is relevant but sometimes the most surprising things can be the cause of problems. Interested to hear what you say about counselling - I've only had it (somewhat reluctantly) after losing friends in a terrorist attack and it was fecking useless. I was really honestly surprised how useless it was - I wasn't expecting a magic pill but even so!

Why can't you do formal meals?

Sit in the living room but with the tv off.

There are other options other than counselling. Which have been suggested here.

You need to find something else that makes you happy op. A job, a hobby, a passion.

Free yourself from the obsession!