To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

I totally relate op. I feel like being obese has ruined parts of my life. I suffer with anxiety and I think it's heavily rooted in my feelings about my weight. I was overweight as a teen but I believed I was fat since about age 5, despite being a normal size child. I refuse to give up on the idea of a being a healthy weight even though sometimes I wonder if I'll ever achieve it.

What I really want to say is that despite all of that I am happily married to a fantastic man who loves me for who I am. We've been together for over 10 years and he's seen me at lots of different sizes but loves me just the same. Please please do not give up on the idea of someone loving you and finding you attractive. I was bigger than you are when I met my husband and i'm a lot bigger now. Men do not only find slim women attractive.

I'm not in a position to advise you on dealing with the binge eating because I am struggling just the same. Just do not give up on yourself!!

Interestingly, I went to the cinema today to see 'some like it hot' starring marilyn monroe, and although she was a massive sex symbol in her day, I was suprised to see how large she was. She really wasn't a skinny minnie - big tits, big bum. Curvy, and I wouldn't say she was fat, but she definitley wasn't thin either.

A lot of men would still say that's the ideal body type and would rather be stuck on a desert island with marilyn in her prime than a skinny kate moss-type any day.

Yup. V traumatic childhood and eating disorder as well.as chronic fatigue so it's doubly hard to be active.

I'm having counselling and trying to link eating to feelings but I'm not sure how much I'll sort out.

I like the beyond chocolate approach which is far more positive than yet another thing to beat yourself up about but still haven't thrown myself into it completely.

Yes I think life is v different when you're not v overweight.

It's not as straightforward as forgetting childhood (or so I'm learning. I'd done my best to!) but that in a traumatic childhood you learn various coping mechanisms and maladaptive ways of living and thinking. As an adult these no longer work for us so it takes a huge amount to change the way the brains wired.

Worra re "Ignoring the fact the OP said 'slimmer' women and not 'very slim' women, what on earth makes you think "a lot of 'normal' men would be very intimidated by very slim women" Italiangreyhound? " my opinion, just that.

Please don't get the wrong impression of me.

I have had to be EXTREMELY strong just to survive. I do not buckle, take time off, cry, whine, hide.

Please understand I needed to share why I don't have a 'normal' relationship with food for this post. That was very hard for me. It isn't a very nice thing have to face up to, that your own parents were disgusted by you, didn't like you and certainly in my mothers case, didnt want you - and it was personal. If she could have got another daughter, she would.

I could share a thousand humiliations with you but I won't bother as you'd think 'victim.'

I'm not.

Ok but it's a bit 'out there' as far as opinions go.

Men and women are individuals and what intimidates one, will not intimidate another.

drizzle re "
Men aren't intimidated by slim women! I think what IG meant was beautiful and slim women. I've not found that to be true personally, but I imagine that's what she meant."

yes, it is what I meant.

Could you take some of that strength and determination and turn it into a positive plan, for what to do when you find yourself about to binge eat?

Could you make a list of distractions/techniques that might help you through that tough time?

I've honestly tried WorraLiberty; sometimes I can. Anyway, I've wasted everybody's time enough, sorry. I just didn't want people to walk away with an impression that isn't 'me'.

But my definition of beauty may be a lot wider than others and I ha efound confidence is very attractive, in people, so a very attractive person may be a confident one.

I guess what I was labouring to say is I don't think your looks or weight have necessarily held you back in the relationships stakes.

I think you have been affected by how you feel and felt as a child and that has dented your confidence and made it much harder to meet people. I know that feeling as it was true of me at one time as I was very shy. I worked on my confidence now feel very differently about myself. (I am talking a long way back).

I think Drizzle you are talking yourself out of succeeding all the time and it is that (not your weight) you need to address. I think if you address this your eating difficulties may change and your weight may change.

It's not, honestly Italian.

At secondary school, in years 10 and 11 I was popular with th boys. That interest waned completely in subsequent years at sixth form and university when I gained weight.

Then I lost it and had men chatting me up, asking me out.

Then I gained it and became invisible.

Then I lost it and became attractive again.

It is a weight thing. I'm the same person but I'm not physically attractive when fat.

But are you the same person?

It's not uncommon for people to gain confidence when they lose weight. And that can make them a more attractive person to others.

So perhaps building on your confidence without focussing solely on you weight might be a step forward?

drizzle, it's entirely possible that the reason men only chat you up when you are slim is because you believe you are not attractive when you're fat, so that's the vibe you're giving out.

I have a large friend who's always had a fair bit of attention, and she, like Adele, is totally unconcerned with her weight. I never hear her mention it. She never diets. She's not obese but definitely overweight. But it's like because it doesn't matter to her it doesn't matter to anyone else either.

I do know what you're saying Worra, but I was/am, yes.

In the majority of cases the ones I've cited are based purely on appearance anyway. But even if subconsciously I lack confidence when fat, well, so I do, if you see what I mean. Plus the only way I could meet someone now is online and that won't work.

Maggie, if she's not obese she probably doesn't even look very big by today's standards. I look fine at ten and a half stone even though it's technically a bit overweight.

Maybe she's not obese, I don't know - but she definitely looks 'large'. I think the point I was making is that because it doesn't matter to her at all and she is very confident and popular, it doesn't seem to matter to others either.

drizzle you aren't wasting anyone's time. But what are you going to do now? Do you want to carry on as you are or would you like to be able to change things?

thecakeisalie I have had counselling for anxiety (CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and I found it very helpful, it cured me of anxiety.

I have been (and am now) overweight and I have worked very hard to try and combat my eating disorder, which is very hard to do, I believe mine was triggered by OCD in my twenties and I am not circa 50.

drizzle I don't appear to be helping you so I will butt out.

Clearly you have had your own experiences of life and so have I. I was hoping sharing mine would be of help but it appears not and I only wanted to share my experiences and views. I don't want to plague you with questions or comments that are unhelpful. Please do pm me if you ever want to chat.

All very best wishes.

Miss, this is why I shouldn't have posted as there's not much I can do, and clearly it is bothering people (see above.) That isn't what I wanted to do.

If there's not much you can do, that means there's still something you can do.

Try not to give up OP as this is obviously very important to you.

Don't worry about 'bothering' people. This is one of literally hundreds of threads on Mumsnet. Anyone bothered by it, can choose to move on to a different one.

I have not had time to read the full thread, but I you asked if anyone managed to change, so I will answer thAt.
I changed. I grew up thinkng that it was normal to eat to the point of being painfully full. I had no connection to feeling hungry or sated. I never was hungry as I ate so much. This turned into binge eating and vomiting in my twenties. As I approached 30 I realised that I was never going to grow out of it. I realised I would still be like this at 40, 50, 60, 70. I couldn't beAr that thought. So I committed to a long, slow haul of changing.
I put myself on controlled, normalised eating. Three meals a day. Only snacking if I really needed to and then nuts and fruit or bananas or such like. I ate off smaller plates to portion control ( side plate size). I accepted that would 'fall off the wagon' and that this was part of the process and not a reason to give up. I didn't keep cakes, sweets etc in the house as these were binge triggers, but I didn't deny myself any foods. I needed to normalise food, not demonise any particular foods. It took about a year, but I now have a very happy normal relationship with food. I enjoy food food, can eats sweet things without problem, know when I am hungry and when I am sated and eat accordingly.
People may say you need to get to the emotional roots, but didn't. I think binge eating sets off a physical, addictive type reaction that you need to learn to get past, regardless of the root causes of why you started on that path.
Good luck OP.

Sounds to me like your an emotional eater.
You need to keep a diary of what you eat , when you eat and why you eat . You will see a pattern develop and you can take a look at how you can change it .

Well, Worra, you've pleasantly surprised me as I am going to confess I was a bit anxious when I saw your replied at first, as I didn't think you had much patience with weight problems but you've been really lovely, so thank you.

I think all I can do is keep trying.

Every morning (this is not an exaggeration) I wake up and drink a big glass of water and an iron tablet and feel so good, this is the day my life will change, I am energised and enthusiastic.

By 8'in the evening, I'm hungry and craving sugar.

I know I learned to 'binge' in my teens when if I was caught eating it would lead to WW3. I know I've gone through several stages since, of complete denial (oh I look fine - and I really believed it until I went on a trip to Paris and saw a barrage balloon where I thought I'd been standing under the Eiffel Tower!)

I think the problem is I have forgotten how good being slim feels and I don't mean that in a corny twiggy way, but I've forgotten feeling fit and healthy, not having to worry about clothes as they'll fit and I can choose from any outfit and it'll look fine, I've forgotten actually being able to properly enjoy food without guilt and shame, I've forgotten other stuff I used to enjoy. I need to find it again but some of its hard, really hard, and I've lost confidence in other ways too.

I do believe - and some of you will refute this but I know - I won't find a relationship or marry, but part of me hasn't given up on having a child and of course I want to be happy, healthy.

Monday tomorrow. Easter - new life, we'll see :)

Sorry Drizzle I haven't RTFT yet, just wanted to share something I read the other day about 'rebooting' your whole self after you do lose weight.
I'm currently coming to the end of a vlcd and have lost 4 stones, but deep down I think I see this as a temporary thing and that I'm really just a fat person who is thinner for a bit
This theory suggests that my mindset will allow physiological process to increase my weight back to a 'fatter' me.
This was a bit of a lightbulb moment and I'm working on the mental fatness too now.
A line must be drawn under the past. This is now and the future can be changed.
You can do this