To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

My parents weren't cruel to me, but eating and weight was an issue growing up. My Dad used to tease my mum about being overweight although she was pretty slim by today's standards. But we were brought up with large portions, and certain foods restricted so I found myself bingeing on eg crisps and ice cream when I left home and was in a position to buy junk myself. I think probably the healthiest families are those that just see food as fuel, with occasional treats rather than as something to obsess about. Interestingly, the Eating Less book recommended above (which I also recommend and need to reread!) suggests cutting down on making elaborate recipes etc, as this is another way of obsessing about food.
I have been between 9 stone and 12 stone, at about 5 feet 4. I'm about 11 stone now and look and feel overweight. When I'm 9-10 stone I feel fantastic. Any heavier than that and my clothes feel tight, and even in a bigger size just don't hang as well. I get some male attention when I'm larger but much more when I'm thin.

I go through phases of being really healthy and phases of eating more (though I always do exercise now as that helps me feel better about myself even when lardy). I don't think I'll ever stay slim constantly as I am too obsessed with food and always feel hungry. I've hopefully nipped the worst of the binge eating in the bag though; a 12 pack of McCoys crisps in one sitting was a low point.
So I think it's possible to change, but binge eating will always be part of me that can threaten to get out of control if I don't keep a handle on it by yoyo dieting essentially, similar to what you describe.

Hi OP. You're brave, AIBU can be brutal. So I'm glad that (nearly) everyone is being supportive.

Just wanted to say maybe NLP or CBT would be better than counselling? As I understand it counselling is looking back and talking about and making sense of your past. Whereas Cognitive-behavioural therapy (mainstream, sometimes offered on NHS) or Neuro-linguistic programming (more alternative) focus on changing the way you think, to change the way you feel, to change your behaviour?

Good luck. And I know some gorgeous ladies who are 5ft 3 and well over 12 stone!

Please invest in a copy of Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach, drizzle. It was first published in 1978 and, while some parts may seem outmoded, it remains as invaluable today as it did back then for women who have 'issues' with their weight.

I've linked to the Amazon site so that you can read reviews before buying www.amazon.co.uk/Fat-Is-A-Feminist-Issue/dp/0099481936 but used copies are available for a modest sum on eBay www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Fat-is-a-Feminist-Issue-Orbach-Susie-Good-0099271540-/311568309877?hash=item488aeb1e75:g:5FYAAOxySoJTSOnp and It's also available on Kindle.

I'm confident I don't want any type of therapy, but thank you :)

Oh op, I'm sorry. You sound so fed-up and run down in your posts. My weight has yo-yoed during my adult life between 9 and 12 stone, and I definitely do not feel as happy or confident at 12 stone as I do at, say, 10.
Your parents sound bloody awful, but you don't need to be defined by them. I know others have suggested similar, but why don't you try and focus on other areas of your life, rather than your weight? Do you have many friends? Could you do an evening class, join some kind of sports club or walking group, or take up a new hobby involving meeting new people? I always feel that I eat less when I'm busy and sociable; boredom is the enemy of healthy eating in my case. Sometimes you've got to put yourself out there a bit to see some positive changes.
Best of luck. You sound like you've done really well considering your childhood.

Drizzle you are not bothering me, I thought I was bothering you!

You're welcome OP.

I do have a lot of patience with people who have addictions/weight problems, but I've go into a few arguments over the years with people who assume I'm saying losing weight is easy, because I believe that eating less and moving more really does work.

Of course it's not easy. It's extremely bloody difficult and often involves very complex emotions and big lifestyle changes...but that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do. But remember there's someone out there for everyone, whether they're fat or slim and I'm sure you'll find someone to love you for who you are eventually.

Drizzle if you do ever decide to have a child on your own, please do pm me as I ahve a lot of experience around fertility treatment, with donor gametes and also adoption, and I would be happy to chat to you about any of that (although I did not do it as a single parent I am sure some of it may be relevant to anyone).

By 8'in the evening, I'm hungry and craving sugar.

If you feel that sugar/ carb cravings are your biggest obstacle to losing weight, can I suggest low carbing? It really does do away with the cravings, within a matter of days.

This afternoon I sat in someone's house amongst the messy aftermath of an Easter Egg hunt where we bought way too many eggs- chocolate on every surface- and neither ate nor craved a single piece of chocolate. Mind you, part of me did want to crave and eat chocolate, because I was feeling tired and depressed and wanted a treat, but it was definitely an emotional craving, as opposed to a physical one.

Oh love. I've skimmed the first and last pages. At present I'm 2 stone overweight and feel rubbish about my appearance - I tried on a coat yesterday and nearly cried. I'm 55 and I'm a recovered anorexic. I'm 12st 7lb at present and feel bloody awful (I haven't been very well since Christmas to be fair) but I know in my heart that I'm I a much better place than when I was 25 and 7st 10lb.

I managed to accept myself in spite of my mother by the time I was about 28 and met DH. He never says "you're too fat" but he does regularly say "your bloody mother". He also says that he loves me and there's no reason why someone shouldn't say that to you. I know I'm a stone over my BMI right now but honestly, that isn't obese, it's a little bit overweight, and that's OK actually.

There are so many things you can do to make yourself feel better that skinny people don't necessarily have. Your hair can be fabulous, your nails can be fabulous, your skin can be fabulous, you can have a gorgeous bag and lovely shoes and a bloody good coat. You can inwardly say "fuck you" to anyone who tries to do you down.

..........................and breathe. You are you. You is pretty fabulous, shoulders back, bottom and tummy in, glide and feel fabulous - you will actually look about 9lb - 10lb lighter and oodles prouder.

It sounds to me that you're a comfort eater, and perhaps counselling can help you tackle the underlying issue there.
If it helps any though, I've been a crash dieter for many years, fluctuating between 9st and 15 1/2st at just 5'1. A couple of years ago however I decided instead of 'dieting' I wanted to make a permanent lifestyle change, and as a crash dieter yourself I'm sure you know these various diets are so hard to keep up.
I decided to start Paleo, but made a few slight tweaks, for example I still have dairy and from 4 months into the diet I started to allow my self treats here or there, but tried to stick to dark chocolate as it's the purest. Paleo changed my whole concept and I think it helped repair my unhealthy relationship with food; it's all about eating non-processed, this means 'fat free' etc. is a big NO, which was a new concept to dieting for me. I constantly eat, in fact more so now than when I was overweight and very unhealthy. With this I lost 3 stone in 4 months, after that I felt spurred on and began introducing light exercise, such as long Sunday walks with the dog (rather than a short stroll round the block), this eventually grew to many longer walks more often. When I eventually got to 10st I felt confident enough to adorn a cossi and go swimming twice a week, (see nothing too strenuous).
I still keep all this up and the weight has stayed off, two years after I started.
It may feel like it's going to take forever, but I've not crash dieted since, and I'm at my healthiest, not just in weight, but also energy levels and better skin and hair etc

Please don't think I'm telling you to lose weight, I'm just passing on advice that has helped me, as I've battled my weight with many crash diets over the years. If however you can find happiness being bigger, then that's fantastic, I just very much understand your pain when you explain how life almost feels better being slimmer. It's nothing to do with vanity though, it's confidence, and you feel much more confident when you're slimmer, as do most of us, and there is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with people who still feel confident no matter how much extra weight they're carrying, you just have to find what's best for you.

I know you don't want advice, but I second low carb high fat. I've been doing it for four days, all my sugar cravings have gone and my appetite has vanished.

Your parents being disgusted with you is due to their issues, not yours. I understand how they treated you has stayed with you but you did nothing wrong. Please consider CBT, what do you have to lose by giving it a go?

I couldn't not reply to your thread as it felt very close to my heart. You asked if anyone had managed to changed.

You've had a lot of replies already, i'll try and keep mine short and sweet!

I suffered in this cycle for too too many years - over half my life. Anorexic, bulimic, binge eating. Yo yo -ing up and down in weight. It took me away from relationships, jobs etc.

What helped? Eating regularly - not restrictively/with a diet mindset. Reading Brain Over binge. Finding a good therapist. EATING CARBS.

www.amazon.co.uk/Brain-over-Binge-Conventional-Recovered/dp/0984481702/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459115174&sr=1-1&keywords=brain+over+binge

If you heavily restrict yourself your body will eventually break out and you will overeat...It took me AGES to get this...but it's so true. Don't set yourself up to fail!

Anything is possible! Don't give up.

And eat less and exercise more? Bullshit. If the human body was that simple, there wouldn't be so many obese people on the planet, miserable and trying to lose the weight. It's insulting to think anyone whose obese just doesn't have the willpower to eat less and exercise more. And it's not science.

Just because something is simple, it doesnt follow it's easy. Climbing Everest is simple: just keep going up. It's not easy though. And neither is dieting. At its heart, it is just energy in vs out. Yes there are bits that influence it, but it is simple. All diets work. Leptin,, GLP2, all can have an effect and all can be overcome by willpower.
What's not simple is just eating less. It's a powerful drive, one of the most basic, and then overlaid with layers of physiological issues. It's easy to say eat less, but it's not easy to do.

I am overweight myself. I eat too much and don't excercise enough. I know I should eat less but it's very difficult to do. I have been slim, and for me it takes a low calorie intake and shitloads of Excercise.

I also met Dh when I was the fattest I've ever been.

You sound really unhappy. I think your weight is a symptom.

I agree with the Everest analogy.

Re men, well it's not going to happen now but doesn't change the fact I got male attention when I was a normal weight and I don't when I'm not.

.

I can't add any new advice so I just wanted to give you some

Zaurac, no it really isn't energy going in vs going out. Scientifically, diets have been proven NOT to work - you can lose the weight, but it's very difficult to keep it off long term. If a diet worked, why would we need so many of them, with a new one being the IT diet every few years?

Just like you don't need to drink 8 glasses of water a day, because your body will signal its need for water by making you feel thirsty.

And actually, it's pretty easy to eat less. I do alternative day fasting - I don't eat more than 400 cals every other day - and found it surprisingly easy. Will this "diet" work? I'll know in about 10 years if I've managed to keep it off.

Deprivation can be a poor motivator too. Do you ever try and diet but end up feeling obsessed by food? I do.

An alternative...don't limit food but prioritise foods. Plan it that you eat 5 serves of veggies, 2 fruits and 2 litres of water a day minimum. Set that as your goal, even see if you can beat it. It does work as you stop feeling deprived and all the extra low calories fibre is filling so you naturally binge less. And trying to eat more veggies at every meal is a positive goal rather than a punishment goal "don't eat x".

My binge trigger is being tired or bored. When I sleep properly and keep busy I have less cravings.

Horton, diets don't work because once people go back to their previous ways, they put the weight back on.

Which is why eating less and moving more, needs to be a lifestyle change and not a diet that will eventually come to an end.

I really, really wish people would stop saying 'eat less, move more.'

Unless you know specifically how much to eat, and how much to move - it's a facile and meaningless thing to tell somebody else.

It's encouraging to see that a few folk on here have had success with low carb/paleo approaches.

I've just restarted my low carb high fat diet and 3 days in, I am not hungry (as I have gone into ketosis) and I've lost 2 lbs. If I am hungry, I eat, but I find this approach switches the hunger switch in my brain off, or at least turns it down to a lower setting.

to lose weight I'll strict low carb for about four weeks then do low carb maintenance (ie have a few more carbs but still keep off the higher carb foods, in the daytime at least) for a couple of months. Sometimes I will eat some chocolate or cake in the evening, but restrict it to the evening only so that I haven't lost the whole day if I eat more than I planned.

I've lost nearly 4 stone this way, after being a binge/emotional eater most of my life it has been the only successful method for me as it doesn't rely on deprivation as most diets do.

TheStoic, a HCP can help with that.

If you read the posts regarding 'eat less, move more', you'll see no-one has told the OP to simply do that.

I must admit that your post is a bit triggering for me, given my history of eating disorders, but, and I say that as someone who has been 8 stone and someone who has been 15 stone, it isn't your weight that's holding you back. Men will find you attractive at any size if you let them. Any you are certainly capable of being a mother at any size.

You need to focus on health apart from eating. Right now the binge eating might not be something you can control, but there might be other things that you can, like getting exercise and doing things that make you feel good about yourself and make you feel confident.

You need to drop that idea that your weight has ruined your life, the only thing ruining your life is your attitude (sorry if that's harsh).

if you read the posts regarding 'eat less, move more', you'll see no-one has told the OP to simply do that.

So why say it at all?

It indicates that the person saying it has only the most basic understanding of how the human body works physiologically - let alone psychologically.