To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

OP, I hope you don't mind me saying this, butbyou sound depresssed. And I know when I'm depressed it's very difficult to find the motivation to do anything.

What works for me is setting myself small but achievable goals, and sticking to them. So for example, my goal for one day might be to not eat any "between meal" snacks. Although I do have a long term goal about my weight, on a day-to-day basis I don't tell myself that I'll lose x pounds in 3 months, I just do one day at a time and then think about the longer term once a month.

I think others are right in sayong that the reason you got more attention when you were slimmer was that you felt more confident about yourself. If you exude confidence and happiness, that makes you attractive, no matter what your size. One of my friends who is 15 stone at 5ft 4" is always being chatted up, flirted with etc because she is amazingly glamorous. I weigh 4 stone less than her but don't have her sex appeal.

I have really struggled with my weight, but have managed to lose 20lbs since Christmas on a low carb dirt, and I really don't feel hungry. I tend to eat out of boredom, so am making myself go to the gym every night so I can't be tempted. I now feel a big sense of achievement most days, as I have managed not to snack plus I've done an hour of exercise, so I've met my daily goal.

I know it is not easy to change your mindset, OP, but I really hope you start to feel more positive.

I don't mind and I am depressed. Small steps is definitely the way forwards. Mine for the past fortnight has been get up, shower and go to work. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Every morning (this is not an exaggeration) I wake up and drink a big glass of water and an iron tablet and feel so good, this is the day my life will change, I am energised and enthusiastic. By 8'in the evening, I'm hungry and craving sugar.

You've nailed the problem. I have similar, but less acute issues. And I only last till 4 pm . I read that the problem lies with willpower - not that we don't have it but that we all have a finite amount of it, so if you use it up early in the day, then by evening you'll binge. To stop that happening, you need to make sure you don't use up your willpower too early on other stuff. So maybe you need to slacken off in another area of your life. You also need to give yourself a massive reward for every time you have exercised your willpower. Even acknowledging very clearly when you start the day with water and iron: 'Yes, this is a good attitude to health. I'm glad I've made a good start to the day,' will help.

If you know you lose willpower at 8pm, do something about it at 7.30pm. Call a friend for a long catch up, or run a bath or go out to an evening class, or something that will get you past that blip. Make it something nice.

I have read your posts and you have a very marked all or nothing attitude that is locking you in to staying as you are. I really recommend the Mood Gym (free online CBT) It will help you see where you are denying yourself the chance to make changes you want to make. (I know you didn't ask for advice, but I've done the Mood Gym and it is an eye opener. Lots of your responses are text book examples of attitudes it challenges.) That's not a criticism btw. Just...why shouldn't you be happy and feel like it's possible to find love and have kids? Why not? Other people do, people who are fat, thin, ugly, pretty, happy, sad, with miserable backgrounds and perfect upbringings. All sorts of people get into relationships and raise families. If that's what you want, then sorting out the mindset that keeps you in the vicious circle of overeating will help you head in the right direction. (And I appreciate what you say about counselling. I've always found talking cures excruciating and useless. But Mood Gym you do on your own, at home, online, with no contact with others. It's very helpful.

Well I want to continue with my negative moroseness but I do have to concede that is an excellent post giraffe!

Thank you

LOL that you want to continue with your negative moroseness. Has it ever occurred to you that it's that not the weight, that puts men off?

Oi, it was a joke :)

Honestly I am the complete opposite of this in real life. Always laughing. My boss at work once purposely put me in a meeting because it was bad news and he needed someone positive in there!

And I'm not nagging you or advising you or anything remotely like that but have you looked at this yet?

I really don't mean to sound horrible but our lives sound exactly the same with regards to weight and relationship with parents. But I am married with kids and have lots of friends. I think you are stuck in a cycle of negativity that you need to get out of.

I am 5ft6 and 17st10. My life has not been ruined by my weight but I have spent the last few years noticeably saying the phrase "If I was slimmer I would do that..."

That phrase might just ruin my life. But only if I let it.

People (men or women) don't gravitate toward skinny people but they do head for the happy ones. Not me, I love a project (hence OH) but most do like a happy camper. Not the grinners or the ones who skip around but the ones who are comfortable in their skin and who seem to have their shit together I guess.

Anyway, I digress. If you want a lifechange buddy I am here.. You can do this, if you want to. Just a little bit at a time.

Being winked at by men on the street isn't men giving you attention only creepy men do that.
Why do you think you can't have a relationship now? It definitely isn't your weight. Even at your heaviest you've not been that big. Irrelevant to that there are men out there that like all kinds of body shapes. It's about the person when it comes to real relationships. Are you confident? Do you put yourself out there? Just talk to people. Join clubs so you meet people.
It sounds like even when slim you didn't have relationships so doesn't that prove that this isn't about your weight?

Well, all i can do is repeat I got male attention at a normal weight and when fat I don't. Nothing else changes I wish you would believe me. I don't stay slim long enough for relationships.

When I was single and overweight, I used to think that if only I could lose weight men would magically be falling over themselves to ask me out and I would meet my prince and all would be well. I have heard it referred to as the 'fat girls dream'.

Really, I had relationship issues, when I lost weight men didn't look at me then either.

By staying overweight, one theory is that subconsciously I was shielding myself from the truth which was that I had relationship issues. It was easier to think I was only one diet away from fixing my life.

OP I'm not sure if you can relate to any of this and it may be a hard thing to contemplate, but if you are convinced that you can't attract a relationship only because of your weight then it may be that you are going through something similar.

Ive had problems in my life with binge eating and then not eating anything and having fluctuating weight between underweight and overweight. I think it is a very hard cycle to escape from because food represents much more to you than just fuel. I get so jealous of people who I know who can just eat whatever they want because they have an inbuilt sense of when they are full and so they just stop and don't end up fat... they don't HAVE to eat the whole cake like I do lol they can just eat some until they are full... if I start eating anything i percieve as 'bad' food I compulsively continue until I am literally about to throw up.
I started doing slimming world and I am finding it really helpful! Ive lost two stone and done it healthily not just by starving myself. The good thing about slimming world is it is a lifestyle thing rather than a diet. So there are no forbidden foods and you are not supposed to count calories (which was something I used to become unhealthily obsessed with and become too thin). It encourages you to see that its about quantity and that you can eat foods you find difficult like chocolate etc its just that you need to not over do it. If you go to the groups the support is really great as well and once you reach whatever weight you set as your goal then you can attend classes for free and they will help you maintain your weight. The key is to never starve yourself as you will then crave sugar and will eventually cave and eat some which will kick you off into a bad spiral. If you eat constantly and eat filling and healthy foods you will not suffer sugar crashes and mood swings that will cause you to binge eat. Its about looking after yourself and not feeling guilty over food. Id really recommend giving it a go! xx

Well like I say it's a bit late now, I just wish I had experienced it which is what I mean about I feel my life's been ruined. It's not just the fact that I haven't been able to experience a relationship although obviously that's a huge part of it.

This is not about other people. Maybe other people attract people at 3, 5, 10 stone overweight, I don't. Of course it's possible I'm kidding myself and I'm just not attractive enough anyway but objectively I think that's not true, but when I'm bigger it doesn't happen.

Have just skimmed through your post. Recognise a lot of you in me. Have always had a rubbish relationship with food, yoyo dieter, been size 8 at smallest to size 18 at largest and currently in the middle. Tried every flipping diet under the sun. In fact was put on a diet aged 12.
The difference for me is that I am lucky enough to have a hugely supportive and loving DH who has known me every size. I understand the frustration of not feeling like you'll ever have a normal relationship with food. I know how dreadful it feels to be fat.
The one thing that is helping me sounds a bit wacky. It is a recording I listen to every night called a Slimpod. Its really really helping me normalise my relationship with food. I am not dieting but I am losing weight. I am calm around food - this is a huge huge thing for me. There is a lot of easter chocolate in our house right now, today I have eaten one malteaster bunny and walked away. Again this is huge for me,
Have a look at the thinkngslimmer website. Fair enough if you dismiss it, it does sound like a load of rubbish. I tried it out of desperation and the thought that I had nothing to lose. Any questions feel free to ask.

And I totally agree with other posters who say that weight is sometimes something to hide behind psychologically. Anyone who truly loves you will not care how much you weigh unless you are at an extreme and putting your life in danger. The reason why more men may be attracted to you when thinner has more to do with confidence than actual weight. You may seem happier and more receptive to attention. I am engaged to be married and I completely trust that my partner loves me and he has seen me at a variety of different weights and reacts to me just the same. I have a friend who is quite obviously overweight and she is never alone... like never... she always has a man on the go!! Men love her! because she is extremely confident!! I honestly think its a total myth that men only want skinny women. They do however want happy women! xx

Sorry just wanted to add, with a slimpod you don't need willpower because its not a diet. You naturally make more healthy choices and eat less, gradually over time. You don't fail because there's nothing to fail at.

Well like I say it's a bit late on the relationship front:)

Hey, hang on, from memory of reading your thread very quickly I'll admit, I am a similar height and weight to you. When you consider yourself to be fat and I don't actually consider myself to be fat! I realise that I now need to get it back down again. But my husband has stayed put through my various dress sizes. I know that you are aware that you are different from me in your attitude because your past associations are negative and mine are not. I do go up and down weight wise (on strong medication that messes me about) and hover between 9 to 11 stone 4. But I am chilled about it. My husband met me at an medium weight for me and wasn't put off! I do hope that you begin to change your mind set as you could find someone who would be fab company and you could have a wonderful time together! It may be old fashioned to say so (but correct too) - all the best men (and women) don't think that appearances are important!

Drizzle, I'm married, I'm 5'7 and 13stone, I wear a size 14 top and bottom, I'm pretty toned as I have a physical job. I'm sure I'd look even better if I lost 2 stone but I can confirm I get lots of attention from my husband and approval from other males of various different ages (even men much younger). I'm sorry, it's very much an attitude, I'm not very confident or extravert but when I look in the mirror I think I look ok. I try to make the most of my best bits, hair, skin, toned areas like my arms. I concur that it sounds like your childhood was bloody awful, but for gods sake woman, you're acting like your life it over, you really need some sense slapping into you (I say that in a nice way!)

How old are you drizzle?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean this to turn into a whine about being single. That won't change. I wasn't trying to get people to change my mind exactly. The fact is for most of my life I have just been too big and ugly to get any interest from the opposite sex and this has had a knock on effect with other stuff. Hence the title of the thread.

You're a fair bit smaller than me aint and you are married.

My life IS over. Maybe you don't want to hear that, maybe you want to slap me (thanks ) but I will not marry, have children, I will go on to live a very lonely and limited life. And I blame myself for that entirely. I don't think I'll ever be able to make anyone understand though.

Maybe you're too hooked on outward appearances, I see lots of fat (maybe even ugly!) married couples.