To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

I'm sorry, I had to come back and apologise. That was rude and totally related to my own struggles with my weight. Doesn't make it ok but says a lot more about me than you. Good luck with liking your body, on the same journey here...

That was nice of you Daisy

Daisy - I reported it immediately.

Don't take your stuff out on others please. Start your own thread if you need to.

That wasn't a very helpful comment daisy.

But I suppose, in a way, that it reinforces what others are saying; that you don't need to conform to some "ideal weight" to be attractive (if getting attention from men in the street is what you want- some would argue that the lack of that sort of attention is a blessing, rather than a curse).

I'm usually between 11- 12 stone at 5'7, and have never had a problem having partners/ kids etc, even at my largest. If you look around, you'll see plenty of overweight women happily partnered up.

But I see your weight, and lack of relationships, as being symptoms rather than cause of your problems, which seems to be low self esteem.I bet if I knew you, and asked your friends not your family about you, they'd say that you are lovely.

And I bet you're now going to vigorously deny that!

Sorry daisy, X-posted. x

Drizzledancer I think the difficulty with posting on a forum like this is that you will encounter people who honestly cannot comprehend how food can be such a big issue. I had a similar childhood (although I don't think just as cruel). My mum was obese and with the best of intentions tried so hard to make sure I wasn't that I also used to binge in secret. I was on a 'diet' at 11 because I didn't look good in a 90s string bikini. I remember having every morsel of food judged and language like 'being good' used. When I look back at pictures of that age I was a completely normal size but I didn't see that. I'd been conditioned to think I was fat. She also set up a pattern of using food as reward and a coping mechanism and I have to fight so hard to avoid this. I can't say I've succeeded, I'm still overweight but I have a partner and children, and a good job. This isn't boasting-I'm trying to make the point that how you've been made to feel about yourself is what is limiting your lifestyle, not the weight itself. Your unhealthy attitude to food isn't your fault, your weight is now in your control.
That was long and rambling, and probably not practically helpful but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone, and the fact that some wanders on an Internet forum want to kick you when you're feeling down does NOT mean you aren't worth more.

I realise I only know a very limited amount about you, but from the bit that I know it seems like you are defining yourself, who you are and your value as a person by the shape you are.

I saw a programme.about Adele in concert yesterday, and she was being interviewed by Graham Norton. The thing that struck me was that she is a shapely woman, who some might describe as overweight, large whatever. She came across as being very unaware, or unencumbered by her body shape. Yes, of course she has a massive talent, but she has to live inside her body 24/7 so there must be something about the way she thinks, how she channels her energy that means her shape is less important than other things.

My longwinded way of saying can you start to channel your energy into other things, projects, activities that puts your body image lower down your priority list. You may well find you lose weight by not making food the centre of attention. It worked for me.

I could have screamed at your father, he should have been ashamed of himself!

I think distraction is good. How about doing something like couch to 5k. I find it much better to focus on the positive rather than the negative. So planning to walk/jog 3 x a week is for me something positive, whereas telling myself I can't eat sweets/ chips etc is a negative.

I feel much better about myself when I've achieved a goal ( like run when I plan to) than just managing not to do something, like eat too much.

Also, for me, exercise (eventually!) makes me feel much better about myself and less likely to overeat.

You've had a really tough time of it, you deserve to start feeling better about yourself

I'm five foot three and looked fab at 9.5 stone. Am currently 13 stone and trying to get back to 9.5, it's bloody hard work though.

I felt the same for a very long time - still do. I am so sick of "but you've got such a beautiful face" comments. That just means, "you fat!"

For a long time, I thought I would never find anyone, and I put up with a LOT of shit to cling onto the few dysfunctional guys who were interested. I regret it all more than I can say - why didn't I just lose the weight when I was in my early 20's? Why is it so hard to put down the fork?

In the end, I did lighter life. It worked for my all or nothing personality. I went from 17 stone to 11.10 at 5'7. Stopped there and kept it off for a good while. Then I met my OH and we had a baby. I'm a good couple of stone heavier now, which I need to shift, but still a lot less than I started at. he doesn't care and he is lovely to me.

Long story, the point of which is: it doesn't matter what other people say, if you think your weight is holding you back, it will do. Try and find something that works for you. It's never too late.

I've just looked upthread and realised there are 2 daisychains, I'm a different person to the poster above. I hope it doesn't create any confusion as I did post to give you support. I've been where you are and it's bloody awful.

Have you considered that maybe you don't have a weight issue but an eating disorder instead?

I may be absolutely wrong but your story sounded so similar to me and I have been diagnosed with various eating disorders from anorexia to binge eating disorder. I now have a diagnosis of ednos.

I have found that counselling/therapy has been the only way I have learnt to deal with it. They say having an ed is like being an addict, you are never cured but you are recovering.

I consider myself recovering from ed. I still think about food a lot, I exercise a fair amount but not an unhealthy amount. I now have a much healthier attitude towards food but tbh therapy is the only thing that has helped me deal with it.

For me it is linked to control and a form of self harm/ self destructive behaviour.

There are a lot of scientific studies out there proving that once you slim down, your body will fight you tooth and nail to regain the fat - it will throw everything at you from hormones that increase your appetite and squirrel away what you eat to fat so you're hungry all the time and gaining weight...to slowing your metabolism down so you eat same but gain weight... and every time you lose weight, you almost inevitably lose muscle along with fat. And since muscle burn the energy you eat, someone who weights 50 kilos naturally can eat more (and will burn more energy) than someone who had to diet to reach those 50 kilos.

And eat less and exercise more? Bullshit. If the human body was that simple, there wouldn't be so many obese people on the planet, miserable and trying to lose the weight. It's insulting to think anyone whose obese just doesn't have the willpower to eat less and exercise more. And it's not science.

Having yo-yo dieted means it's really harder for you to lose the weight and keep it off, than someone else who weighs the same as you. So I wouldn't beat yourself with that willpower stick - you are fighting a very smart, efficient machine that is your body and it thinks it's doing what's best to ensure your survival. No one told it about Ocado yet.

Given the background you describe, I wonder if it would work for you to focus entirely on accepting yourself and treating yourself well and living a full, happy life, for a year or so while totally ignoring weight as an issue. Because it sound like the symptom of a deeper issue of self worth and external judgement from your parents.

If you focus on treating yourself well, taking good care of yourself - drinking water, eating veg and lean protein, getting plenty of exercise, fresh air, keeping your home tidy and clean and paying attention (if this stuff matters to you) to nails and hair and skin etc, then you are feeding yourself emotionally. You also mention eating to allay boredom, so maybe you need to keep your schedule quite exciting and always have something interesting to do.

I can't diet - just can't. Can't stand that feeling of rules and restrictions and forbidden foods. After half a day I binge. But focusing on self care and loads of exercise really does help.

one thing has helped me a little that i don't think has been mentioned, although may have missed it:

we all drag our pasts round with us. we make them define us. so with you it's bullying from family and school, weight issues etc. do you really want this to continue to define you?

i have had lots of issues and i reached a crisis point. i felt i was always whipping myself for not being good enough. i'm trying really hard to move beyond failed childhood expectations and guilt and putting it behind me. when i notice myself thinking these thoughts i actively force myself to change. feels a bit fake, but i'm noticing small changes in terms of positivity in my outlook and feeling less anxious, more proud of my achievements. small steps, slowly, but it's helping me.

it may help you?

And eat less and exercise more? Bullshit. If the human body was that simple, there wouldn't be so many obese people on the planet, miserable and trying to lose the weight. It's insulting to think anyone whose obese just doesn't have the willpower to eat less and exercise more. And it's not science.

It actually isn't bullshit at all.

However, your assumption that anyone here is saying it's simple is obviously bullshit.

Mind you, I wouldn't normally use that sort of language to dismiss someone else's post.

Everyone here is simply trying to help the OP.

There was a dr on world service who discovered leptin deficiency, she said it isn't as simple as eating less & that they are still discovering new genes that affect a persons weight.

You had horrible parents op, they really didn't deserve to be parents.

Was also brought up being told I was fat. Was first put on a diet at 8. Received a lot of negative treatment from my mother. My weight has fluctuated from 8.5 to 11.5 stone as an adult. It's very difficult and I can relate to many of the things you've said. About five years ago I used exercise as a focus and started running. Just around the block at first, then twice, then three times, eventually 5k, 10k then 10 miles (slow process- took a while!). I'm bigger at the moment as I had a baby 8 weeks ago but after looking in the mirror and wanting to change things on Friday I started right back at the start, put my trainers on and ran around the block. Got to start somewhere. Don't think, just do it- just run around the block and see where it takes you.

in terms of the practicalities of losing weight, I've just started low carb high fat after having a baby and have lost 9lb in three weeks. I feel a hell of a lot better without eating grains or sugar and I'm enjoying food a lot more. I eat a ton of cream, cheese, steak and veg - the point is to find a way of relating to food that satisfies you and works for you.

but that's not really the point I wanted to make - I've weighed everything from 9st to 16st at 5'5 (various pregnancy/lifestyle/greed-related fluctuations ) and I have never had a problem being or feeling attractive because I'm extremely confident in myself and my body. I exercise and dress well and take care of myself at every size. I prefer being slimmer because it's easier to buy jeans and exercise is more fun, but that's basically the only difference. i guess what I'm saying is don't use your weight as a reason to put life on hold. if you want to lose weight you will, but while doing so, there's no reason not to be the person you want to be already!

It really really doesn't define me Eddie; I rarely think about it. I just obviously needed some context.

I feel for you OP.

As a child, I was given a drug which had the unfortunate side-effect of inducing vast appetite changes and weight gain, and I my worst I tipped the scales at almost seventeen stone. My dad's family would always torment me because of my weight, and I was bullied relentlessly at school because of it. I went through a very stressful time when I was 20, and the stress caused me to lose all the weight, despite my appetite actually increasing to cope with the stress.

When I finally got my stress levels under control, I realised how much I liked being thin and getting compliments. All well and good so far, but now I eat tiny portion sizes, abuse laxatives and over-exercise to the point that my BMI hovers around 16 on any given week. I guess my point is: you need to find some sort of middle ground, because you risk this becoming an obsession either way.

If you're binge eating to cope with stress, you need to address the stress issues first, then focus on the eating part. We all occasionally like to binge. What some will then do is exercise to compensate for it - go for a walk, go swimming, get a fitness DVD and follow it once a week. Balance up the scales, slowly and be kind to yourself.

How old are you drizzle?

I think you just sound unhappy, I think your weight may have very little of do with it. If loosing weight is so hard at achieve, and you say you want a partner, why don't you focus on that instead? What do you do op? Do you meet people at work? Does online dating work? Do you have some good friends?

No - honestly. Don't worry :) Obviously OD / meeting people at work isn't the answer. It isn't exactly having a partner more I feel like I've missed out on life. But it's fine.