To think my life has been ruined because of my weight

[drizzledancer]

This is a very difficult post for me but i am going to try to be honest.

I don't remember a time when weight and food wasn't a big deal in our house. I was a fussy eater as a child and I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother. It was boring so I hate for entertainment. I have some really horrible memories of how both my parents treated me - I remember lying on a chair reading a book once and my dad came in and yanked up my top, poking me really hard in the stomach and telling me to get out and play. I also remember appearing in the local paper because my church was doing something and my dad making me name all the other kids and saying they were thinner than me. I think they were just really embarrassed by me. My mum used to scream when she saw me eating so like any self respecting kid I ate in secret which obviously made things worse.

Objectively I think I was a bit chubby as a kid; it's hard to tell because looking at photos sometimes I look normal size and sometimes a bit lardy but i can't tell.

I was bullied badly at school but never over my weight though which is weird.

In my teens I slimmed right down as I was in quite a restrictive diet and I exercised too. Then my mum died and I gained it, as no one was cooking so I just got into the habit of grazing. This was a bit of a pattern.

I won't go into all the details but basically throughout my adult life I've managed to slim down and everyone says how lovely I look and how pretty I am, I get male attention (shallow I know but when I was about 27 I remember in a really hot summer wandering around town in a little sundress and flip flops and boys/men were looking and smiling and winking.)

But I never keep it off as I binge eat and I end up fat again.

I've gone between 9 and a half stone and 14 stone. I'm 5'3.

Because of my appearance I've never really had the confidence to date and I'm definitely past that point now. I still binge eat and I hate myself for it but can't stop. I've tried counselling but it hasn't helped.

Has anyone actually managed to change?

I'm so angry with myself I've wasted my chance to meet someone and get married, have my own babies, be happy.

Worraliberty, is is more complicated than that - leptin and grehlin balance etc come into the ability to eat less and move more, etc.

That having been said I was in a weight loss trial once and they sent me to Weight Watchers and that was full of massive people who lived on their sofas eating snacks and watching TV, and then a small group of disabled people with mobility problems (the group I was in) who were desperate to be able to be more physical, and we seemed to do more in a week than they did even though we were doing it on crutches and on walking frames. We were 2-4 stone overweight and the sofa crowd were 8+ stone overweight.

I didn't say it wasn't more complicated than that.

I said 'eat less and move' more is not bullshit and it isn't.

Yes the body plays all sorts of 'tricks' etc but ultimately if you spend enough time eating less calories and burning more calories, you will eventually lose weight.

What it's not though, is 'easy' 'uncomplicated' or 'quick'.

drizzledancer, i understand and i got it wrong.

i don't think my past defines me either. i don't think i expressed myself very well. i have patterns of behaviour that have been established as a result of my past and i'm learning to recognise them and try to change them. i think that describes what i'm thinking better!

I feel for you OP as I too have had weight issues all my life
My parents weren't quite as bad as yours but did fat shame me in many ways and I really wasn't that big
I look at old photos and just see a fairly normal sized child - slightly plump around puberty but nothing more - definitely not obese
At 13/14 I took control and dieted down to a size 8-10 (sizes were definitely smaller then so probably a 4-6 equivalent now)
Since then I have been on a constant diet - if I slacken at all I pile weight on
As an adult I have yoyo'd between 9 and 18 stone more than once - I'm currently around 13 and would prefer to be 10
My weight has never stopped me having relationships my most recent DP preferred bigger women and I have been married and have grown up children
However my weight issues have taken over my life - I am only happy with myself when thinner
When I'm fat I feel a failure, unattractive, unhealthy, low self esteem - I certainly won't put myself out on the dating scene as if I don't like myself why should anyone else
I swim - go to the gym 3-4 times a week - eat very healthily - on my fitness pal app it tells me some days I don't eat enough! My only weakness is the occasional drink and sadly my job involves a lot of sitting around
I wish I knew the answer
My weight doesn't go up and down as much, but post 50 I find it ever harder to lose any and have to be conscious of everything I eat to avoid gaining

OP have you tried groups like slimming world or weight watchers.
I rejoined slimming world last week and it really does work if you stick to it and can be done for one. I live alone with a 2 y/o and when I make a meal I freeze half for days I don't have time to cook. There are some great recipe books with meals that don't take long to put together.
Also the you don't have to exercise. Obviously it's better if you do but the weight loss isn't reliant on that.
I've just dug out my 30 day shred DVD. It's really really hard but is only 20 mins long and in the past I could see visible differences within 2 weeks.
I know it's far more complicated than that and my issues stem from being treated with food from living with a grandmother, being in an abusive relationship and having a miscarriage. I get that you can get stuck in a rut and I'm only one week out of mine. I have 6 stone to lose but you can only do it if you really want to.
I hope you find motivation soon and start to feel better about yourself
Also for what it's worth before my ex I used to get a lot of attention from males when out, I was about 3 stone overweight but felt happy in my body and was so more confident than I am now.

Straight talking here;
Your weight is the symptom, not the problem. I strongly recommend you go for cognitive behaviour therapy.
Fat people still fall in love and get married, do they manage that because of or despite their size?

drizzledancer re "I agree many bigger people manage to meet others, but I do think men generally prefer slimmer women." It really depends how you define slimmer, I think a lot of 'normal' men would be very intimidated by very slim women, I think most men just like fairly average women and the average dress size in the UK is around a 16.

There are a number of things you can do to improve how you look, to improve how you feel and to improve your chances of meeting someone but until you love yourself, as mummymeister says "...if you want someone else to love you, first you have to love yourself is very true."

curren has a lot of wisdom there... "Honestly I only sorted the weight out when I accepted that I couldn't control my past.

I can't change what happened, but I could control my life now. I could spend the rest of my life being miserable or I could do something.

I wasn't happy with my weight so did something. Every time I wanted to binge I reminded myself it wasn't going to help me get to my goal. Failed a few times. Didn't beat myself up, just started again."

That is really good wisdom and advice to me.

And yes, I struggle with weight, and I think some of my childhood and dear mum's attitude to food didn't help.

I found eatingless.com/ quite helpful. I still struggle to eat well but luckily for me the feelings around being overweight are not intense and I am pretty happy with my life despite being overweight.

I don't know for sure but I may well be just as overweight as you, I might be even more overweight but I am happy and I think you need to find a way as Worra says to "... master the art of eating less and exercising more." Or "If you decide that's going to be too difficult and it's going to make you even more miserable, then it's ok to accept yourself for who you are - someone who eats too much and has an overweight body as a result."

There are indeed "far worse things" than being overweight.

Rather than focusing too much on specific things can you start a general campaign within your life to eat as well as you can, look the best you can within your budget and find the way forward that works best for you, drizzledancer?

Have you tried Overeaters Anonymous? It works for some (not me, but some) and it is by donation so not expensive. www.oagb.org.uk/

And drizzledancer re "But if you cannot accept yourself as fat but cannot stay slim, that means - well I don't reel I can verbalise what it means on here." I think if you are so depressed you do need to speak to your GP and access specific counslling for free, e.g. CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy). I know you have tried some before, some work better than others for different people.

BoffinMum advice at Sun 27-Mar-16 14:22:04 - excellent.

lorelei9here, I agree, Boredom is a big factor in over eating, I think. I also found slimming classes not for me. And I am so sorry to hear about your friend.

drizzledancer, there seem to be some contradictions coming out and confusion, you've posted things that suggest you are very unhappy and then say " It isn't exactly having a partner more I feel like I've missed out on life. But it's fine."

Clearly, it's not fine to you but it is fixable. Can I ask how old you are? Others have asked and you haven't answered. I am guessing you are a fair bit younger than me, and probably simmer than me, and I have lived the life I wanted. I met and married my dh later in life, thirties and my children were born when I was an older mum, birth dd when I was 29 and adopted son when I was in my forties. So far, I think the life you want is within your grasp but you are going to have to get comfortable with yourself, love yourself and put the energy into the things you wan to do.

(That was one long post I cut in two as it was tooooooooo long!)

Apologies if you mentioned already, how old are you? I'm sure you're still young and will have all the opportunities under the sun to get married and have kids! I strongly advise against dieting, start simple... replacing white breads/rice/pasta with wholemeal/wholegrain, you'd be surprised how quickly your tastebuds adjust! Go for walks around local parks, join a gym, don't feel sorry for yourself and realise that doing something about it will make you so much happier!

Rather than cakes and sweets, try a sweet flavoured green tea, they do cherry bakewell & salted caramel flavours and they're very nice! Baby steps and good luck! xo

Guys, really, I won't.

Won't what?

I won't be meeting someone and having a life with them; I won't be having the babies I dreamed of since I was at school myself; I won't be doing much of anything truth be told, although it is disingenuous to blame this on my weight, I somehow can't shape the thought someone slim throughout their life would have had a very different life. People certainly treated me differently, although apparently this was in my head as I wasn't slim at all!

I found that you have to pinpoint what it is that makes you eat.

Do you generally eat healthily (ie do you have a bad metabolism) or are you a junk/binge eater?

I have a metabolism that means I can gain half a stone a week if I eat what I want constantly. Similarly, I can lose weight quickly. The result being that my weight has varied between 8st10 and 13st7 (I'm currently 9st7 and 5'8").

I found myfitnesspal helped massively with understanding how many calories I put into my body. I was actually under eating or massively over eating depending on whether I was dieting or not.

Happily I've managed to keep my weight down over the last ten years, I've never been more than 7lb up on where I am now. But I have to monitor almost everything I eat and if I have a bad week I'm back on the diet until the weight goes again.

I've found that avoiding temptation by not buying junk helps, along with tracking everything on MFP as it guilts you into not eating crisps and chocolate lol. I'd also say try and find a fun gym class to go to (treadmills and exercise equipment do nothing for me) and try and go at times when you would usually reach for the junk food (if you're like me).

You have to be in the mindset though - I know from personal experience that if you're not then no amount of persuasion will help you. It sucks.

drizzledancer re "I agree many bigger people manage to meet others, but I do think men generally prefer slimmer women." It really depends how you define slimmer, I think a lot of 'normal' men would be very intimidated by very slim women, I think most men just like fairly average women and the average dress size in the UK is around a 16.

Ignoring the fact the OP said 'slimmer' women and not 'very slim' women, what on earth makes you think "a lot of 'normal' men would be very intimidated by very slim women" Italiangreyhound?

That's just not my experience at all. In fact I find that if men are going to be intimidated by a woman, it'll be more to do with her personality and obviously his too.

But merely being 'very slim' is so not a reason IME.

People say all sorts of daft things, Worra.

Men aren't intimidated by slim women! I think what IG meant was beautiful and slim women. I've not found that to be true personally, but I imagine that's what she meant.

This book is helping me.
eatingless.com/prev/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/eatingless-free-sample.pdf

Also, My Fitness Pal tracks what I eat (1200 kcal 5 days and 500 kcals on 2 days) and a Fitbit tracks my exercise. I struggle though, I really struggle with overeating. But I know that being thinner is what I want for the next portion of my life. And I am gaining positive reinforcement through enjoying the exercise and getting fitter (and a little slimmer.)

I have a little group of friends and we help encourage each other. Would this help?

No, honestly, please don't waste your time advising me. I didn't post for advice, exactly. I think I was wondering if anyone had come through a similar childhood and found it was still 'with' them.

I don't know. She spoke about them liking size 16 women and obviously some of them will be beautiful too. So if that was the case, they'd still be intimidated by their beauty?

I don't think big women are considered to be beautiful in our society at this time.

I think some men will find them attractive but they aren't considered attractive.

Size 16 varies massively according to height and shape though so I don't know. If you are extremely tall it's probably fine.

Everyone's childhood is still with them in some way or another.

It's what strongly shapes us into who we are.

But it doesn't have to shape us into victims of our childhoods. We can (often with help) allow it to shape us into stronger people.

I have suffered from binge eating disorder before, and the only thing that has come even close to helping me control my eating is cutting out high carb foods. I actually see my condition now as a carb addiction rather than an eating disorder as when I don't eat high carb foods I don't have an eating problem and am happy just to eat when hungry.
Given unfettered access to carbs though and I'll binge like there's no tomorrow.
For years I thought my eating problem was mainly psychological but now I see it as mainly physiological. Although stress /upset can trigger a desire to binge, it seems once I have those foods in my system it sets up a chain reaction where I just want to eat more.

I have managed to lose quite a lot of weight this way, I don't restrict my carbs all the time but maybe 80% of the time and it's worked for me.

Next time you are binging, try to cut out the high carb foods (ie bread, pasta, potatoes, sweets/sugar, cereal, pastry, rice, fruit) for a few days and see if your eating comes back into control. Meat/veg/protein/dairy is ok. It's worth a try surely?

From one who's been there.

I wouldn't call myself a victim Worra.

I really do try. I work, I jump through hoops, I try to live something resembling a normal life. It's not really worked, and now i sadly have to conclude it won't.

I also think I'm very strong in a lot of ways. Just not around food, apparently.

Well that's good that you don't see yourself as a victim (I wasn't calling you one btw)

But it does appear that a lot of what you're going through now, is due to what happened many many years ago when you were a child.

Those days are long gone. As much as it helps to understand what happened back then, it's also important to try to move forward positively.

Take what you've learned and try to let it make you more determined to succeed.