Am I incredibly odd? N/C on marriage

[Toonoisy]

I married dh last year, I decided to keep my own name. My reasons were, I have a son who shares my name. I really like my name, it's me. I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname because to me that's his mum. I also feel as though the assumption that the woman will change her name is a bit of a feminist issue.

I don't want to be Mrs Myname either so I'm Ms Myname.

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it.

Now I've found that the times I've had to give our names for anything it totally baffles people.

It's happened a couple of times where it's been quite important to acknowledge we're married. A mortgage application and me ringing the hospital when he ended up in a&e.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name.

DP and I have different names, and we've given DS1 DP's name and DS2 mine.

Beyond a couple of interested comments we haven't had any issues whatsoever - including during mortgage applications, hospital treatment (including DS2's birth), visa and residency applications.

Perhaps I'm just lucky?

That's fine twowrongs. You're allowed to not understand why it's a big deal. But if it doesn't matter whether someone knows, are you equally baffled by women who choose to advertise their marital status through their title?

Unless you are a celeb or own a company in your name already I don't see why you wouldn't change your name

Is this if you're male or female?

Women changing their surname so that the whole family can have the same surname is not really anti feminist. It just makes sense in most cases

Nobody said it was. It's a perfectly valid choice to change your name on marriage.

The problem is when you, and others, EXPECT women to take their husbands name on marriage. Or tell them its weird/feminist/whatever if they don't.

Change, don't change, call yourself whatever you want to. Just don't expect anyone else to do it too.

I think it's nice to keep your own name. It's totally old fashioned and sexist to change it to the man's name

See, this is just as bad. Don't judge women for changing their names, any more than they should judge you for not.

It's about freedom to choose. Thats the whole point of feminism!

No it isn't. Feminism is about improving the lot of women. Equality, emancipation, ending structural oppression, however you characterise this process. Women make choices that are unhelpful to this process all the time. Women sometimes get to exercise some choice even in societies that are nowhere near equal. There's nothing inherently feminist about a woman happening to make a choice.

I have been a Ms since I was about 15 or so and started getting properly interested in feminism. I am now a married Ms HisName-MyName and DH is Mr HisName-MyName too. We agreed that future children would be double-barelled, and I decided I wanted to double-barrell mine as well so that I would have the same surname as the future kids. DH agreed with that reasoning and said he would do the same. We chose his name to go first purely because we mutually agreed that it sounded better that way round. I don't think a single family member from either side of either family was remotely surprised by my choice, but there have been a few snide and/or shocked comments from people on his side of the family about his choice to double-barrel his name, to which he has always briefly explained his reasoning and firmly told them that's how it's going to be.

There's nothing inherently feminist about a woman happening to make a choice

No but I think there is something that is less than feminism about outright condemning their choice. I disagree with women who change their surname on marriage, particularly if the best reason they have for it is "tradition". However, I respect that that is the choice they have made. I don't like it and it doesn't chime with my feminism but I'm not going to jump on them for it. I respect their choice.

Depends on the choice really. Some choices some women have made are appalling, and don't deserve anything other than condemnation. A choice doesn't become worthy of respect simply because a woman made it. I wouldn't put choosing to change one's name on marriage in that category, hate the game not the player, but there are women who have deliberately made choices that harm and exploit other women.

True. I'd quite happily condemn many of Katie Hopkin's choices for example.

I disagree that feminism is all about freedom to choose. Women can choose because of what feminism has done, but it doesn't make every choice made by a woman automatically a feminist one. In the case of a woman taking her husband's surname on marriage, I would not say that is a feminist decision. It is her right to do so, and I would not criticise anyone for it, but it does perpetuate misogynistic traditions.

I don't understand women who "keep their own name" on marriage as they don't want to be seen as their husbands property . Your "own name" is (presumably) your father's surname and was originally to show you are his property. Hence he gives you away at the wedding.

So unless you make up a random surname of your own, whether you do or don't change your surname, you are still using a man's surname as if you were his property.

SO a woman's surname is just her father's name, but a man;s name is his iwn name for his wife to take? Just checking.

Erm, no one 'gave me away' at my wedding thank you very much.

As for whether or not we have our dads names, there's little we can do about the decisions our parents made to us as babies.

I did once belong to my parents hence why they chose my first and last name at the time. I will never belong to my husband.

I may have the same surname as my dad. So what? I've had this name and it's just as much mine as his.

This thread has reminded me, for anyone I've met at the yard, I'm programmed into their phones as MyFirstName MyHorse'sName. Perhaps I need to change my name to Dr Gabi DHorse

I'm just talking about historical facts folks, calm down!

One thing you can say about taking your mum or dads name is that they'll always be your mum and dad, and you'll always get to keep it.

If your husband decides to divorce you you're left with decisions to make on whether to keep the name, whether to remain a Mrs. If you remarry you need to decide which name you'll be then. He might remarry.

If you just keep your mums/dads name throughout at least you can own it.

Women couldn't own property because they WERE property. That's where the concept of being given away at your wedding comes from. So by keeping your father's name you are still participating in the farce of denoting ownership by surnames.

been married 23 years
have two kids
use my birth name for work every day
get over themselves

they do not ask the men what they will call themselves after marriage
that are on VVV shaky ground to ask the women

PS wish my mother would stop writing to me as Mrs DH like I'm an effing chattel

If we all stop taking husbands names as default then that will soon die out.

And "'Ms" does suggest either the writer doesn't know your status, you're divorced or you're a lesbian or a militant feminist.

It really doesn't

Yes it's pretty clear you don't understand Rapunzel. That much was obvious.

For one thing, not all surnames come from a man. Some people bear their mother's rather than their father's name, and some surnames derive from females. Cooper for example. For another, if my name isn't mine because my dad had it before me, the same is true for my husband and his father. So it's a question of why I'd prefer my husband's male forebears over my own. Lastly, my father has never owned me. That had long gone by the time I entered the world. I think you meant that's where the custom stems from, which is true, but is quite different to what you wrote.

Can't wait for the quadruple barreled named kids to start school.