Am I incredibly odd? N/C on marriage

[Toonoisy]

I married dh last year, I decided to keep my own name. My reasons were, I have a son who shares my name. I really like my name, it's me. I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname because to me that's his mum. I also feel as though the assumption that the woman will change her name is a bit of a feminist issue.

I don't want to be Mrs Myname either so I'm Ms Myname.

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it.

Now I've found that the times I've had to give our names for anything it totally baffles people.

It's happened a couple of times where it's been quite important to acknowledge we're married. A mortgage application and me ringing the hospital when he ended up in a&e.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name.

It's tradition for men to take their wife's surname that's why they don't do it duh!!

To the person who asked why

Do you want to try that again mummyyummi

It's tradition for men to take their wife's surname that's why they don't do it duh!!

So again, why? Tradition is not an answer. Personally I want to know where that tradition has come from and how it has arisen. It's been traditional to do many things some of which are racist, sexist, bullying, stupid and/ or downright cruel. The fact that we've done them before does not mean we have to keep doing them, no matter how long we've been doing them for.

Otherwise we'd all be living in wattle and daub huts because like, d'oh, it's tradition innit.

It's a tradition born out of a paternalistic society where a man's wife was originally viewed as one of his chattels ...

It's tradition duh. Is that it?

Wouldn't you want to question how the tradition came to be? Whether it is fair and equal in modern times? Whether it has any disadvantages for women? Whether women still want to or are socially pressured?

SOAPBOX ALERT: With divorce rates being what they are, I think that women should NEVER change their names, and that if either party changes their name it should be the husband. I think that ALL children should take the mother's name, and never the father's, and that surnames should pass along the distaff line instead. This means that in a world where fewer people get married before having children, and divorce/remarriage rates are high, children's names are both stable and always the same as their mothers, who is (usually) always going to be a constant in their lives.

I actually think you are right in today's society it would make more sense for children's surnames to automatically be that of the mother. And for all women to keep their maiden names.

SOAPBOX ALERT: With divorce rates being what they are, I think that women should NEVER change their names, and that if either party changes their name it should be the husband. I think that ALL children should take the mother's name, and never the father's, and that surnames should pass along the distaff line instead. This means that in a world where fewer people get married before having children, and divorce/remarriage rates are high, children's names are both stable and always the same as their mothers, who is (usually) always going to be a constant in their lives.

An excellent idea. No idea why this hasn't occurred to me before. Idea should be circulated widely!

May I add my own suggestion? I think all adult women should be Mrs. No matter if married or not. Only Miss when a child. Nice and simple and just like it is for men. Given the current set up I use Ms Myownsurname even though I'm married, but it would be wonderful to avoid the whole complication. The French manage it.

Notdeadyyet I totally agree - ditch the choice between Ms and Mrs and just have one for everybody. It really pisses me off that there should be an indicator of our sexual availability (and in the past, virginity) when men have no such essentially humiliating "honorific".

Too nosey

women not having equal rights with regards to pay. That's unfair

Women changing their surname so that the whole family can have the same surname is not really anti feminist. It just makes sense in most cases.

Obviously if you have been previously married and it's a paperwork nightmare or just don't want to no one is forcing them to

Us woman still have the choice not to

But then why does anyone get married but say I'm married but I'm not doing this part of marriage

Why not just make a living together agreement, have it witnessed and then have the same rights as a married couple anyway

Weddings are expensive time wise and financially but we do it because it means something

It's like wearing a wedding ring. Some people don't wear theirs and that's fine but it's not the norm

My friend is an only child

When she and her husband married they both kept their own names

The children have her name

Tradition would dictate that her name would die out because that of her husband should take precedence

They made a choice that was right for them

Stuff tradition!

Why does name changing have to be a part of marriage?

Should payment of a dowry be part of marriage too?

It's tradition, after all

Have you even noticed your posting mistake, mummyyummi?

I don't wear any jewellery. My wedding and engagement rings live in a cupboard. I think DH keeps his in a drawer. Doesn't make us any less married.

There are no wedding photos on the walls of our living room. Doesn't make us any less married.

We don't share a surname. Doesn't make us any less married.

Not having the same surname as my daughter doesn't make me any less her mother.

It exists only because of some misguided sense of romance. When my husband d and I discussed marriage I was clear that I was t taking his name. I said if he wanted us to share a name we could choose a new joint one together. He opted to keep his name and me keep mine. My mother says she wishes she'd done the same.

Women changing their surname so that the whole family can have the same surname is not really anti feminist. It just makes sense in most cases.

Why aren't men expected to change their names? That would achieve the same objective.

If you're regularly encountering situations where it's quite important to acknowledge you're married ; you'll have to accept that calling yourself Ms. Yoursurname isn't consistent with that.

Bullshit floggingmolly. That would only be true if calling yourself Ms Nothusbandsname weren't consistent with marriage. But it is. Entirely. Ms is an accurate title for a married woman, because it covers all women. I'm very surprised at that level of ignorance in modern Britain actually, where so many of us come from cultures where the woman keeps her own name on marriage. Have these banks and doctors OP mentions just not encountered anyone from different countries?

Also mummiyummi, what the actual fuck? Why get married if you're not going to change your surname? Maybe because it's not an innate part of marriage. Marriage predates the tradition that some cultures have of the bride taking the grooms surname. By a long, long way. Those of you who think name changes are part of marriage don't get to impose that view on the institution itself- it's not yours to unilaterally reframe!

Also want to point out that a 'living together' arrangement wouldn't in any way, shape or form give you the same rights as a married couple. That's a really, really dangerous misconception.

I deal with recently bereaved people sometimes at work (widows and widowers of account holders) and in the past, when I took their details for my records I used to ask the widow of account holder John Jones (for example) whether she also goes by the name Jones. Several didn't, especially professional women. However I found that many women were genuinely flummoxed by the question ("well, er, ....yes, I'm his wife as I said") and some (elderly, mainly) women clearly found it a little insulting, so I changed it to, "what's your full name?" Far easier. But it showed I think, that changing one's name is the norm even though it is of course not obligatory.

Amongst widows, a group with a much higher average age than married women as a whole, sure. For those marrying in the past few years, I believe recently the figure has been about 30%, so neither group is high enough to form a 'norm' for recent marriages really. Presumably it will get lower as the married age population becomes more ethnically and culturally diverse.

icanteven - I completely agree, it seems total common sense to me for women to keep their original surname and children to take the mother's. I've been saying it for years and people just look at me like I've got two heads.
I find it even more bizarre when mothers change their child's name to their stepfather's. It's awkward when he fucks off as I've unfortunately seen happen to people I know.
I'm still known as Miss Maidenname (though I'm married). People like to call me Mrs Maidenname and I tell them "sorry, no, that's my mum! "
I've also been told that "legally" my real surname is my married name (bollocks). When I ask the person to refer me to the legislation which states that, strangely they cannot.
It used to make me cross. Now I find it funny.

Took more than 10 years for me to see the humour. I don't understand why people (mostly women) find it such a hard concept to grasp.

Changes of surname, or not, are down to personal preference. It must be someone pretty uninformed, old fashioned (or disingenous) who insists two people with different surnames can't be married, or that Ms is for divorced women only

Many women use Ms these days, whatever their marital status. And of course it's fine to use Ms on some occasions and Mrs/Miss on others.

I don't see many men insisting that they should be titled "Master" if they are unmarried, and only "Mr" once married...

Some people are thick, and some of them are women. There's your explanation. One or two are even helpfully demonstrating for us in this thread.

Not sure why it's s big deal if other people know if you're married or not. People say it's 'none of their business' but why would it matter if someone knows?

Can't believe this is an issue with anyone.

I never changed my name, and I don't wear a wedding ring (don't do jewellery - irritates me! Apart from earrings).

Neither issue has ever caused me a moment's bother, or questioning. If I need to introduce DH I might say 'this is my husband' and no one has ever yelled 'fraud!'

Twowrongs titles flag up someone's class and gender. In the case of women they also reveal marital status. Personally I'd junk the lot as outdated. However, if we have to use them I don't see why a woman's marital status is revealed when a man's isn't. It harks back to a time when a woman took a man's name because she was his chattel.

Hundreds of years ago all women in England were titled "Mistress" married or not. For some unknown reason this later became abbreviated to "Mrs" for married women and "Miss" for single women. Shame!

I think it's nice to keep your own name. It's totally old fashioned and sexist to change it to the man's name. I took my DH name because I was too young to think otherwise and it felt romantic. In recent years i have been uncovering my family tree online and It is so hard to find female relatives if you don't know the name of their husband. I like the Spanish way where children take both parents' surname but not sure how it works when they have children....anyone Spanish on here?