Am I incredibly odd? N/C on marriage

[Toonoisy]

I married dh last year, I decided to keep my own name. My reasons were, I have a son who shares my name. I really like my name, it's me. I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname because to me that's his mum. I also feel as though the assumption that the woman will change her name is a bit of a feminist issue.

I don't want to be Mrs Myname either so I'm Ms Myname.

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it.

Now I've found that the times I've had to give our names for anything it totally baffles people.

It's happened a couple of times where it's been quite important to acknowledge we're married. A mortgage application and me ringing the hospital when he ended up in a&e.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name.

I was married for 23 hrs and was always Ms myname until I became Dr myname

Some people are just a bit less open / intelligent / flexible. You will learn to just quietly and consistently deal with it. Find phrases that work for you eg. The phone call that starts "oh is that Mrs Hisname?" Might have got the reply from me "no, there is no Mrs Hisname here, but Mr Hisname lives here and I'm his wife - can I help or take a message?"

I had one solicitor, back in the 80's, draw up some docs and put Mrs Hisname - I corrected them and they came back with Ms myname aka Mrs Hisname . I corrected them again and stated that I was not ever going to use Hisname - finally got the correct docs.

It was never an issue when we lived in London - but moving to a small town - yes, for a while. Interestingly less so towards the last few years as more unmarried couples were cohabiting so most of the time the fact we were married was not an issue and the different names thing less unusual.

The key is either consistency - never ever use Hisname - or be very relaxed and flexible, using both. I never regretted keeping myname - even before the marriage went sour - it was, and is, who I am.

23 hours is a bit short even for these modern times, Catsrus.

I'm Ms Myname too.

So if someone else is ignorant or their computer system can't accommodate my legal name and marital status its rude and their problem to sort out.

Which I've had to in the past. (Including DH who insisted it was Mrs and Ms was divorced only and got upset about it and now has no recollection of his objection and incorrect argument and now insists he was supportive all along)

"Married women were considered possessions of the husband by the law, until 1882."
This was true long before it became usual for women to change their names at marriage, and one is not a requirement for the other.

Didn't change my name or my title and it has never been an issue either in hospital or with our mortgage, which we got after we were married. I'm surprised that you have encountered this because I certainly haven't. It's much more normal to keep your name now I think.

The only people who insist on calling me Mrs Hisname are some of his relatives, and I know full well they are doing it to make a point.

Linguistically, Ms and Mrs are both short forms of the same word: 'Mistress', which is the feminine form of 'Mister'.

Until fairly recently, in English, all adult women were called Mistress in the same way that all adult men were called Mister. Only young girls were called 'Miss'. The titles had nothing to do with marriage. The change to the use of 'Miss' as a courtesy title for older unmarried women happened as recently as the mid 18th century - and for all sorts of reasons; see www.geog.cam.ac.uk/research/projects/occupations/abstracts/paper25.pdf

As earlier posters have said, the use of 'Ms' from the 1950s and 1960s was an attempt to regain title equality with the male 'Mister'.

In England, married women often took their husband's surname from around the mid 16th century, and maybe before. But the use by a married woman of her husband's first name as well as surname ('Mrs John Brown') was not widespread in Britain until around 1800. But until the early 20th century, in Scotland women often kept their own names after marriage: for example, 'Jean Brodie wife of Angus MacBeth'. You can see this on old tombstones and read it in old documents. As an adult, before and after marriage, Jean Brodie would have been addressed as 'Mistress Brodie'.

I added DH's surname to mine. In recent years, on any forms, I've put Ms.
I wish I'd just kept my name. I don't dislike his, hence adding it, but I really don't see the point of changing your name when you marry.

I'm with you OP, I've been Ms Myname since I was 16 and getting married hasn't made any difference.

People get pretty short shrift if they challenge it.

Our children are double-barrelled, which makes it easy for either of us to take them for medical appts/on flights etc.

It would be interesting to know what % of women choose to be Ms Maidenname when they get married. Is it more common than in earlier years.

FWIW I only had two friends who kept their maiden names and both divorced. One has since remarried and taken her DH2's name. Maybe she just didn't like DH1 enough!

Ms is generally what you become on divorce.

Bullshit.

I and many others I know use Ms as a matter of course. I've never changed my name, and feel that there's no need to advertise my marital status to all and sundry by using Mrs.

Men don't. They just use Mr all their adult lives, whether they're married or not.

And for the final twist, my bank has introduced a gender neutral title: Mx

Calling myself Mrs Myname would imply that I was married to MrMyname and they this was the name I had taken upon marriage

To me it would be bonkers to change my title to Mrs without changing my name - I've kept myself as Ms Myname because my marital status isn't determined by my title - Ms is intended to mean Mrs OR Miss, it's not a substitute for Miss

Ms doesn't mean unmarried. It means I don't want my title to reflect my marital status

Much like Mr. A Mr could be married or unmarried. A Ms could be married or unmarried. A Mrs is definitely married. A Miss is definitely unmarried

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ms.

I'm married and have dh name now. But I randomly use Ms when applying for stuff or applications. Normally when I don't think it's any of their business to know. I'll tick Ms.

We had dc many years before we were married, DC have dh name. It wasn't a problem, only for the one receptionists at school who would never refer to me my name, only dh names no matter how many times I corrected her.

Really where it the idea that Ms is for divorced women from?

Also why would a woman need to identify as divorced in her title? That's just awful.

I have a 'friend' who has told me that my children won't be really my family until I share a surname with them and my DH.

I have had my name all my life, and like you I didn't want to change it. No-one apart from the girl above has ever questionned it. I read that a third of women keep their name now.

"Ms" or "Ms." (normally /ˈmɪz/, but also appearing as /mᵻz/, /məz/, or /məs/ when unstressed)[1][2] is an English honorific used with the last name or full name of a woman, intended as a default form of address for women regardless of their marital status.[3]

Ms is generally what you become on divorce

Yeah, in the 1970's and before. Not now.

Much like Mr. A Mr could be married or unmarried. A Ms could be married or unmarried. A Mrs is definitely married. A Miss is definitely unmarried

Nope. A Mrs could be divorced, or widowed. Or using Mrs because they want to (in the past some women used Mrs as a courtesy title when they were never married), or they think of themselves as married but never did the legal bits....

Similarly a Miss could be unmarried, or divorced, or married but doesn't use Mrs or Ms.

You can generalise somewhat but you can't actually know anyones actual marital status from their title.

DP and I are not married, but if we do, I will keep my name. It really bugs me, also, when people meet me and automatically write Mrs Noisytraffic. I find sales people particularly prone to doing this. It really gets up my nose - Mrs Noisytraffic is my mother!

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it

I was going to suggest that you give him the option of changing to your name but see that you've done that and that oddly enough, he wasn't keen.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name

You have officially discovered timetravel and are living in 1952. It would appear that you're not the only one though, which I find quite depressing. Ms is just an accepted and neutral title for women. If "Mr" doesn't have to change his title to indicate marriage, then why should anyone else? Yes, that may mean you need to clarify that you're married, since the reason behind using Ms is precisely that you don't declare your marital status. However, that should not cause puzzlement or ignorant statements such as "that means you are divorced".

I suppose the original premise behind changing your name was to indicate that you'd all become one family

No. A woman's marital status was that of chattel. Taking her husband's name indicated that she belonged to him. And whilst I'm fully aware that my surname is my dad's, that sits easier with me than becoming Mrs SomeOtherFucker because frankly that would be completely alien. I'm not that person.

One of the blessed things about getting a PhD was being able to say "it's Dr" when people said "miss or mrs?" Of course I then have to cope with the fact that when I turn up and they're expecting Dr G Lan, they start looking around for the man, like some sort of Fast Show "where's the man" sketch.

Yep true Syvia - it was a gross over simplification

I guess the point is that if you are called Mrs it is reasonable to expect that it will be assumed you are probably married

And if you are called Miss it is reasonable to expect that it will be assumed you are probably unmarried

Although as you rightly point out this may not be necessarily be the case in truth. The assumptions however would probably not unreasonable

If you are called Ms there should be no assumption about your marital status because it is terminology that is specifically designed to be neutral of marital status

As a Mr one would expect that assumptions would not be made about your marital status

Goodness. Some very old fashioned ideas on this thread... fWIW I've been Ms Undercrackers for 44 years, married seven years now, two kids (gave them DH's name just because I liked it) and only once in that time have I had to explain my marital status to a particularly thick midwife.

Carry on as you are. If people are a bit dim let them catch up in their own time!

I like the Mrs PrettyNewName idea.

I seem to remember a Ms Pugh and Mr Griffin (may have been the other way around) who merged their names to become Mr and Mrs Puffin

Too if that's any consolation, having MsMyname and MrHisname and been married is very rare where I live. I've actually not come across it at all between friends/family/other parents at school.
So I wouldn't be surprised at all that people in the same situation than you would actually get similar reactions.

Ans yes it seems that, on a lot ways, I do have time travelled back to the 1950 in the way people relate to each other too. For example, it is very much expected that I am MrsMyname. The Mrs is always the first thing proposed to me in forms etc...

I once overheard the following at work years ago:

Twat personal banker: Is it Miss or Mrs?
Woman: Neither. It's Ms.
TPB:

I remember my mother having a similar conversation, Moving decades ago now.
She said to whoever it was "Ms. You know, Mizzzz. Rhymes with none of your bizzzznizzz!"

I'm a Ms Myname and I used Ms before I got married.
Most of the time its not a problem bur there is always someone who just can't understand that we have different names and we're married.
Example idiot: 'Yes, but what's your married name?'
Me 'Hairy!'