Am I incredibly odd? N/C on marriage

[Toonoisy]

I married dh last year, I decided to keep my own name. My reasons were, I have a son who shares my name. I really like my name, it's me. I didn't want to be Mrs Hisname because to me that's his mum. I also feel as though the assumption that the woman will change her name is a bit of a feminist issue.

I don't want to be Mrs Myname either so I'm Ms Myname.

Dh was very upset about it despite always knowing how I felt. He thinks I'm mad but he's given up mentioning it.

Now I've found that the times I've had to give our names for anything it totally baffles people.

It's happened a couple of times where it's been quite important to acknowledge we're married. A mortgage application and me ringing the hospital when he ended up in a&e.

It's seems to completely confuse people, they say you're not married, I say that we are, so they ask are we Mr and Mrs Hisname, I say no were Mr Hisname and Ms Myname, we are married, I have kept my name.

Why get married at all if it's so fraught with dangers of disappearing identity? Keep your name, don't keep your name; who actually cares really? It's all so intense...

Marriage offers important legal protections not easily (or cheaply) replicated outside of marriage. Hence the passion about same sex marriage rather than civil partnerships.

I kept my name when I got married. I've found that most people don't care but the people who are bothered are really really bothered by it iyswim.

I genuinely don't care if people call me Mrs dh surname but I find certain people call me it repeatedly to make a point and then get really pissed off when I don't care. It's really bizarre; I always get the impression they're hoping that I'll go into a really unreasonable rant and then I disappoint them when I don't!

I've articulated this really badly but in a nut shell most people aren't arsed what my name is but a small minority are mega weird about it!

it may be so little floggingmolly to you and to many but your identity does change when you get married, thats fine, you become part of a married couple but your name is a part of your growing changing identity. Some people may put greater emphasis on the name that they have , more so than others, and whats wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with keeping your name at all, flirty. Some people are just so bloody militant about it though, wearing it some sort of hard won badge of honour and failing to realise how little significance it actually has to anyone else.

FloggingDolly A lot of men seem to find it a very big issue and don't change their names.
Luckily I found a DH who believes in equality and would have changed his ... but it would have given him same name as notorious historical individual so decided not too on grounds of still being taken seriously professionally

All those of you referring to your maiden name as your own know it is your father's right. As in the tradition was for you to be given away by one man to another and change your name from that man's to the other.
Not really relevant here though, just do what you want and don't be surprised or offended if people double check your current marital status. They are just doing their jobs.

Nope. Given away by the mother who raised me and who I am honouring in the name I've kept.

My wife did not change her name on marriage. There were several reasons: one was her family were all-girls and their 'name' (which is a little unusual and quite nice) would have 'died out', anyway it was her name, mine isn't. . Another was that she didn't want my surname and I didn't blame her, it's not very pretty. Another was that she is a relatively well known artist and in the art world she is known her by her 'maiden' name and why go to the bother that would be caused by changing it or 'doubling' it with mine? Another was that we have a Quaker background where it is quite common for the wife not to change her name on marriage. This is related to the most important reason: the practice of a woman changing her surname to her husband's was to indicate her status as the husband's possession - it was the same for slaves, that's why so many black people descended from slaves have English surnames. If it's necessary I simply say, "My wife did not change her name when we married" and that's that. Our children have my wife's surname. I've never had a problem saying I'm my children's Dad even 'though I have a different surname. Maybe we mix in different circles. I know people who even think that a wife legally has to change her name - not so! In fact, my brother and sister-in-law recently broke up and my poor sister-in-law had to go through a big rigmarole to be able to use the surname she was born with again! Personally, I think the practice should die out. A wife is not her husband possession.

Which she was probably given by her father Teatime?

UsetheForceBen you are right we have come some way from the days when women were their fathers and then their mothers possessions. I still remember the relief when as a tiny child we had problems cos my mum, a successful professional, wasn't allowed a mortgage or unsecured loan as she was a woman!!!!
Thank God we've moved on from that and our children hopefully, with more change, our children won't have this conversation if we manage to teach them equality.

I don't really understand the need for a title at all. Why are women expected to declare their marital status every time?

Ms should be fine for everyone.

• then their husbands (oops, Freudian slip)

antiqueriadhoe totally agree
Gender, marital status and qualifications do not define who you are.

Which she was probably given by her father Teatime?

Whose DNA she shares. She can't say that about her husband, can she?

I actually quite like having the same family name as my immediate family, and don't feel less important or that I am a possession. Everybody should just do what suits their family unit.

A woman's name is her father's name but man's name is his own name. Have I understood correctly?

who's DNA she shares. So what's the argument for insisting on the kids only having "her" name?

I believe it's already on the thread. Female carries them, female names them.

Not a belief I subscribe to: I don't need to share a surname with DD for there to be a strong bond. She has my name as part of hers and has heard my heartbeat from the inside. Suits me. It mattered to DH that she had his surname - they've a biological link if not a physical one - which was fine by me. As I said, DD loves that she has both names. Double barrelling would have resulted in a 7 syllable surname.

I rather fancy the idea that females carry the mother's name and males carry the father's name. (Unless the mother veto's it of course)

Ignore naughty apostrophe there...

I kept my name when I got married. I never considered doing otherwise. It was the name I had used all my life, and there was no reason whatsoever for me to change it. Having my own name has never caused a single problem for me.

And I'm not Mrs anybody. I'm Ms or (professionally) Dr. I couldn't care less what people think that means about my marital status.

We have tradition of family names for first name. So surname can complement ... but went with DC1 the first name that suited get just didn't go with my surname (sounded really silly together). So has mine as middle name & DCs as surname.
So our rationale was what would be most comfortable for DC in life NOT society's preconceptions or any idea of ownership.

Snap DotForShort

Is this the first time you've ever heard that some women get married more than once herecomesthepotatoes? This thread has been a veritable treasure trove of learning for you! But you've still not told us why keeping the same name and title for the whole of your adult life is being difficult but changing it at least once and sometimes multiple times isn't.

Meanwhile, floggingmolly doth protest too much...