Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

[potentialthirdwheel]

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

stilldrseth

If 9 out of 10 of your best friends are women, it seems probable that you are choosing them because they are women, rather than choosing people for who they are regardless of gender. Together with the massive and rather odd emphasis you put on how much these women desperately need you, I think you probably would benefit from reflecting further on this.

I wasnt intentionally drip feeding.

Every conversation with B isnt about F, which is being implied. Im aware that I dont know all of her side of things, Im not daft or niave but I highly doubt F knows that B has confided in me about her.

I dont have an issue with giving them space or doing their own thing on the trip, I stated that in my first post! I do care that she is upset, I dont get off on her feeling this way or feel like I am worth more than her. She is his partner, their relationship is complicated regardless of me, its any femal friend, Im just the one that has travelled etc with B so I am more likely to come up in conversation. I dont think he sits and talks about me constantly.

I accept I need to step back, as it stands B and myself speak once a week and see other far less and I will tell B he needs to do more to sort the problems rather than letting them continue and that perhaps they should seek professional help again, and that I cant be the one he confides in.

Is it a requirement that your DP is also your best friend? I dont think its weird if they arent.

I think your a little biased though op tbf.

How old are you all by the way?

It's not a 'requirement', but why on earth would you want to be with someone as a life partner if they prefer the company of someone else? I think it is a bit weird for your dp not to be your best friend tbh (general you).

This is their weekend away. You're along for the band only. He's had to tell you they're doing something alone and he's spinelessly blamed this on his gf - 'sorry, gf says we have to do x just together'. He shouldn't have had to say that tbh. You should have assumed that you weren't invited to everything, as he's been put in an awkward position now. I also suspect he's probably led you to believe their relationship is less loving and affectionate than it really is, hence his forewarning to you (and standard spineless blaming on the gf of course) that he 'has to' be openly affectionate to her - but of course he's only doing it on her insistence.

I think you are silly to believe everything he says. It's also odd you talk on a weekly basis and he tells you all the alleged ins and outs of his relationship - with her looking bad and him looking faultless or victim-like. If I were you, I'd run like the wind. But it kind of sounds like you want him for yourself and think his gf is not good enough or he doesn't like her enough. He's with her and not you though, so he probably doesn't think you're as much of a goddess as you like to believe.

Are you not closer to your own dp than your ex?

Of course I am closer to my DP. He is the one I want to grow old and have my children with, he is my soul mate and B is my friend with whom Ive shared life adventures with and have fun with i.e we woukd go to concerts, cinema etc as not all interests were shared by us and our partners. If B was female would it matter less if I considered them my best friend?

If B and I wanted one another we would be together but we dont, therfor arent.

I think many women would be a bit if their partner had weekly chats to a close female friend who used to be their girlfriend, particularly if their problems were often a topic of conversation. The fact that some women really wouldn't be bothered at all doesn't change the fact that she is not one of them.

If their relationship is to continue (and honestly that doesn't sound like a good idea), part of that would have to be that you and he are no longer 'best friends'.

I don't think B is being honest with you. You give the impression he is only with her because to leave her would "destroy her", yet nobody made him ask her to move in with him. He did that of his own free will, despite her apparently being some sort of lunatic charity case.

From F's POV, he talks about you a lot, has a long shared history with you, speaks to you weekly on the phone, is bringing you along on a coupley weekend, and refuses to do a coupley thing with her because it's not fair on his tagalong ex. Yet both of you are claiming she is irrational and alluding to her being mentally ill.

This shared dilemma about the mad woman in the attic is throwing you and B closer together. It's you two-vs-her.

I don't think your going to back off because you consider yourself there first. I think its territorial now.

Maybe you don't want to be with him but he still holds a torch for you and she sees it.

Maybe you enjoy being in the drama otherwise you would have held your hands up and backed off.

How old are you op? Why won't you answer that question? Who finished who when you were dating?

I think B is very bad for F.

This is not a good relationship.

I am in my mid 20s. We finished mutually as we see each other as friends, nothing more.

She got a job in the area we live in so it made sense for them to move in together.

I think one of you is still hankering after the other.

This is not a normal healthy adult relastionship. You met when you were teenagers and one of you still has a crush on the other.

Poor F I hope she leaves him and realises that real men don't treat their lovers like this.

They moved in together because he obviously wanted to and cared about her. Why are you minimising their relastionship?

I don't think YABU about wanting to go and see the concert, or even to go to it with the friend you had originally tried to go with last time.
However, I also agree with everyone else that overall, YABU not to create more space between you for the sake of F - not saying that you mustn't ever see B again, but you shouldn't be enabling him to avoid dealing with F on the 'issues' directly and you shouldn't be doing things which are likely to cause tension between them because they are more than B would do with other, male friends. (Though fine to tell B honestly that you are there if he ever needs support to escape from a toxic/abusive relationship as there are a few red flags in your postings)
My suggestion would be to go to the concert and maybe food before it, but talk about your wedding planning enthusiastically during this time and then go home (the next morning if it finishes late) and leave them to it.

I would feel really awkward going after all the things he has said.

Have you changed your mind at all about what is going on here after reading all these comments?

F needs to get away from both of you, as fast as possible. You are toxic to her mental health.

B is a disloyal twat, dressing himself up as the good guy. You are playing innocent, when all you have to do is say something like 'I don't want to hear about your private conversations with F'. It's not rocket science.

You both need to grow up and have some respect. This sounds like you are at high school.

Admission. Not RTFT. but why don't you just do what you wanna do. Go and see the fucking band ! They don't care about the lot of you. Sorry if I'm late to this thread

I still think you should support your friend. I do not believe that there is anything other than mutual friendship between you and in a similar situation had this been a woman I do believe the advice given on here would be different. Very few people would be telling you to abandon your friend in a relationship that seems a bit controlling and completely unhealthy.

With all this in mind I do believe you need to encourage your friend to deal with the issues in his relationship rather than sticking his head in the sand and moaning to his friends. He leaves her (regardless of her threats of OD) or he sucks it up and stops complaining. I definitely wouldn't abandon my friend though.

It's all very much like playground behaviour isn't it? I was expecting you to say you were late teens tbh.. I think you have some growing up to do.
Here's what I see happening; F will leave and find someone that actually cares about her, you will end up with B but wait, you need someone like F in the loop to make you feel like a "goddess" You're the one with the self esteem issues op.
To make matters worse if it's ac dc you all have awful music tastes.
Why isn't your dp going with you, you haven't answered that.

Why isn't your dp going with you, you haven't answered that.

A couple of posters have said this, but the OP says My DP isn't coming due to other commitments

OP, I think your friend is a bit ungallant TBH sharing so much detail about his conversations with F (although I do appreciate you haven't heard it all from him).

You very much want to see the band, so I'd go, enjoy it and quietly go off and amuse yourself while F and B do their couple thing.

I'd put money on them splitting up at some point soon, TBH. But it wouldn't be your fault or your doing; she's the one with the problems.

My DP has work commitments that cant be changed plus he trusts B and I enough that he knows there is absolutely nothimg beyond friendship going in. My DP and I have been together 4 years, he has known B for 13/4 years and I have known him for 10. It was B who actually set me and DP up but I didnt feel this was relevant as Ive pointed out there is no romantic interest between B and myself.

I wont abandon my friend but I think I will take a step backwards, believe it or not I dont like the drama.

Doesn't sound like it OP .. ;-)

Abandon my arse - you're a third wheel, they don't 'need' you there. You need to get over yourself and him.

,I really cannot imagine being with some bloke, his ex gf being privy to all our personal relationship business, and on top of all that I have to hear him talk about her AND I have to physically see her 3rd wheeling self too? Id have blasted him to kingdom come by now. Someone needs to give his gf's head a wobble, all this stress over 1 man it doesn't even sound as if they're long term. Albeit they've moved in together which must count for something, even though OP conveniently claims oh its nothing, they just did that as she got a job nearby. OK.. so he doesn't love her then, just thought she should move in. I bet.

I bet if the gf withdrew and left that would change things up mightily. No more drama. Somehow I doubt man in question would be putting around that he is relieved gf is gone. Some people need the games more than they need the relationship