Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

[potentialthirdwheel]

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

I was about to type " I bet the next sudden thing is, the gf has mental health problems" but I looked at previous page 1st as Id missed some of topic and.. lo and behold..

Its disgusting how on 1 person's say so, its so very easy to believe a woman is an insecure, jealous, manipulative, mentally unstable bag of nerves. How easy it is for a man to set up 2 women against each other, and have other women agree that she is some kind of nutcase.

Its so obvious here it may as well be painted in 10 ft high red letters. Under different circumstances who knows OP, maybe you and this woman may have liked each other but he's made sure you never ever will, hasn't he?

What does your DP think or has he been left out of this 2 way dialogue with you & your mate along with his gf who is being talked about very harshly, but not being talked to

MistressDeeCee. I wondered when someone would raise my name. Actually my name has nothing to do with my ex whom I was with for 11 years. BTW I ended the relationship in my late 20s because we outgrew each other and I didn't love him anymore. The last time I saw him was about 8/9 years ago. Been with DH a long time. I am rambling. My name was actually as result of a thread MNHQ zapped recently and in honour of a mug. The reference has nothing to do with exs and more to do with mugs.

I agree Mistress. From the OP's posts I feel there's a bit of "She's crazy and we can have an exclusive Her-vs-Us sort of thing going on."

Xisacunt " ah ok thanks I will attempt to work out sometime what this has to do with "mug"!

It's a long story and you had to be there. Amusing though.

It's not easy living with someone that insecure never mind when they threaten OD

He doesn't have to live with her, but if he does choose to live with her he doesn't have to engage in the behaviour that he says she finds so upsetting.

He needs to either commit to his girlfriend and support her or be honest and end the relationship because they have fundamentally different ideas of what a relationship should be.

At the moment he just sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it and is choosing the drama of having the needy girlfriend and the supportive female best friend.

DP is well aware of the situation, and B has confided in him also. I dont think she is crazy, I think she has issues beyond any help or support B, or any partner can provide until she accepts there is a problem.

We used to speak quiet often but it has become more and more strained as her issues grow, and again its not as if i see her and b often, when i do my dp is present.

But B also has issues if he is choosing to continue a relationship with somebody who apparently has all these problems with his friends. Why did he move in with somebody who is apparently a neurotic, controlling mess?

It takes two to tango.

He needs to either commit to his girlfriend and support her or be honest and end the relationship because they have fundamentally different ideas of what a relationship should be.

Based on the information Op has provided he did try to end the relationship but she threatened OD so he stayed.

IMO they shouldn't be together. Neither of them sound happy.

Why did he move in with somebody who is apparently a neurotic, controlling mess?

We only have his word for this. He may be exaggerating, he may not. F and B may be quite different when alone together. Who knows? It's certainly odd that he is taking it up a notch when she is apparently so very difficult.

DP is well aware of the situation, and B has confided in him also

this girl sounds like she has serious issues. She threatened to OD, she quite possibly has a mental health problem.

Is there anyone he isn't telling? This is her private affairs. Confusing in one or two friends. Fair enough. But why is he telling everyone he knows?

He shouldn't be with her if it's as bad as he says. If it's as bad as he says she is ill. And he is telling everyone.

Or it's not that bad and he loves the attentionZ

None of this is making her better. I get its hard to leave, but he isn't acting like he loves this girl.

If it's was a physical illness would he be sharing with the group?

If he is concerned for her MH and the risk of self harm he should inform her doctor and family, if her family are decent. Not remain in the relationship if he doesn't want to and add to the drama like this.

I feel sorry for the gf. I consider my OH to be my 'best friend' (although the term 'best friend' does actually grate on me somewhat) so no wonder she has an issue with you.

I agree with PPs that there seems to be more to it, even if only from his side.

His behaviour in general suggests he doesn't hold her in very high regard. And if she already had MH issues, this relationship is just going to make her feel worse. The poor thing.

She sounds like a lunatic! Go on the trip and go to the concert and I wouldn't suck up to her either...

They had a great relationship until F moved to our local area. B doesnt know her family well, F doesnt speak to some them afaik.

I cant stress enough how much Bcares for F, he knows it would destroy her if he left and he doesnt want to hurt her, and he has reassured her that I and other female friends are no threat. She accuses him of wanting to be with me and 1 other close friend but nothing he says or does will settle her mind.

I dont enjoy my position in this at all, but hes my friend and more than anything I want to see him happy, and it seems the only way for her to be happy is for all friends to be NC which would hurt B.

Its a sad situation, when she moved here i was actually excited to spend more time with her but she has cancelled on numeeous occasions and told B it was me and Im not making any effort with hee, I genuinely cant win.

I accept B is probably being unreasonable in sharing so much, and maybe he needs to discuss her issues with her more rather than try and cope as is.

I cant stress enough how much Bcares for F, he knows it would destroy her if he left and he doesnt want to hurt her

That isn't enough though. He should be in the relationship because he loves her, not because of what he thinks would happen if it ended.

If she really would be destroyed by the friendship ending, perhaps to the point of suicide, she has MH problems that won't be resolved or improved by the relationship continuing.

If she would just feel very sad, that is normal and not a reason to continue with what seems to be a toxic relationship. What does he imagine the future will be - more of this but with children?

You are right that you can't win though - it isn't your relationship. He really has three choices - end the relationship with the girlfriend, not see his female friends or carry on with the status quo until the whole thing implodes anyway. However, that is his choice, not yours.

it seems the only way for her to be happy is for all friends to be NC which would hurt B.

No, of course that's not the way for her to be happy.

If there's justification for talking about her (and you stress repeatedly that it's a MH problem so there is, in a sense, justification) then there is actually an obligation to talk about her - but to the right people. You're not them. Talking to you only fuels the insecurity and makes things worse I expect. Plus you seem to have no idea what you're doing or how to handle a situation where someone has such fragile stability. Whether or not you leave them alone on your weekend away is the least of their worries. What you should be encouraging your friend to do is to seek help properly, and to gently but firmly impose some boundaries about the kind of help that he's able to provide.

If he genuinely doesn't feel this a relationship he wants to leave right now, then he needs to set out that getting professional help is non-negotiable. Not bitching about her to friends who half-enjoy the drama and dine out on it between themselves. Professional help. Only he can impose the non-negotiable aspect of this and you can't make him do it. But you can - and should - draw a boundary of your own, which is you getting things right from now on. Any support you offer him is a bit of a poisoned chalice at the moment; it makes things worse with his GF and buoys him up to cope for a bit longer in a situation that really shouldn't be staggering on. So you explain you want him to be happy but it's not helping him to moan about her to you. You can do nothing. He's the only one who can change things. And you don't want to be part of a situation where the two of you are giving a potentially very unstable woman something that her paranoia could feed on in the worst way.

As things stand, if their relationship ever gets out of this black hole, your friend could well be forced to make a choice between the two of you. If you step back now, perhaps there will be times to come when she feels better and you won't seem like such a threat. Be careful of doing anything to create a lasting impression in her mind that you are against her or the relationship.

If things are as bad as you say, I think the weekend away thing was a stupid idea. If he's committed to her and she is as unstable as you say, the first thing is to put boundaries and make it impossible for her to avoid getting help, not fan the flames planning a weekend away with a female friend. These are massive issues and make or break for them both in enormous ways - the rock concert thing pales in comparison. He decided to stay with her so he needs to sort this out first. Getting into a big standoff about you is pointless. In the great scheme of things for their relationship, you are a red herring. And there are plenty of women who might find that a bit much - perhaps it was asking a bit much of her, just now.

You don't know how differently your friend might be treating her when you're there - you know so little about how their relationship works at all, really, and it's clear that your mind is made up about her and what she is like. You don't have anything helpful to say so signpost him to someone does and bow out for a while. They need space.

Having read the updates and about F's mental health issues I think you need to step right back from B. If you really care about him then you need to realise that as long as your around F will continue to be insecure and the relationship will go wrong. It doesn't matter whether her fears are real or not, it only matters whether B and F want to be together and it seems they do if he's moving in with her.

You know far too much about F considering you barely know her and it's all his view point! He discusses far too much with you about his relationship and he needs to stop being disloyal and sort it out with her instead.

I was once F in a relationship and B clearly enjoyed playing the martyr with his BF. I feel very sorry for F who for all you know may be following her instinct that she is being played in a pick me dance.

Well then if its as bad as you claim OP - which I don't believe for a minute because Ive heard the crazy girlfriend script once too often, normally from the outside woman who is having her ego stroke or the man within the relationship who wants to keep a female friend dangling "just in case" - then why not step off from their relationship for a bit?

Give them room to breathe, to sort their relationship you aren't anyone's saviour here. Eiven their so called issues right now - do you have to go on the trip abroad with them too? Is it really worth proving a point? It sounds as if everywhere this woman turns, there you are. & you're his ex girlfriend, which you keep somehow glossing over as if its nothing she should think about

Is it possible for you to see your friend without talking about his relationship? You must have other things in common. You are 3rd-wheeling this relationship between a couple who supposedly are in crisis. Nothing you've said makes me think you are helping the situation in any way

If this woman has issues then so do you and your drama queen mate.. You could all do with taking a break from each other and I bet if his girlfriend has her own, real friends (I hope she does, because her man isn't her mate thats for sure since he talks to you and others about her) then they're likely, if they know about any of this, telling her to get rid.

To be honest you just sound like the ex that won't go away, the spectre in someone else's relationship encouraged by a dickhead ex thats in the relationship but likes the extra dynamic, so neither cares about upsetting the current partner

/2 way thru thread you drip-fed about her mental illness - and now its something else, she is like this with another of his female friends too. One thing's for sure, neither of you are good for her You both have your versions of The Script, and are united in demonising her

You are over-invested.

Gonetosee your post is so much more articulate than mine! You said what I wanted to say

And do remember that if she is genuinely unwell, you don't know her. She could be a completely different person when she's in a better place. Don't allow your mutual friends to pigeon hole her.

thanks jw, it's the voice of bitter experience...

Having read your updates op can i strongly advice you to step back from this! Let b and f sort it out without you. F will never be secure with you around. I feel very very sorry for f and now feel b is really playing you and f. What a horrible man. Tbh i think f is better away from b. She needs a decent bf. He might be a good friend but sounds like a rubbish bf. What does your dp think of this mess? why isnt your dp your best male friend?