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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

159 replies

potentialthirdwheel · 23/03/2016 05:06

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

OP posts:
XIsACunt · 23/03/2016 07:10

Just a thought but I do wonder whether he thought committing further by moving in together would help her realise she was important to him. But this clearly hasn't worked.

Whocansay · 23/03/2016 07:14

I think B is enjoying this immensely and has been stirring like mad with everyone. He sounds like a right drama queen and I'd distance myself from him if I were you.

His GF sounds massively insecure, and understandably so. B's not exactly loyal is he? When you 2 went out, who broke up with who?

MistressDeeCee · 23/03/2016 07:16

F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them

Your man is a troublemaker, OP. You shouldn't know about her past issues. She is insecure about you..no wonder, I bet he talks about you all the time since he feels free to tell you what they talk and argue about. He has no loyalty to her.... and after doing all that, the 3 of you are going away together. Why would she be happy with that? Your name must get on her last nerve. I guess he likes all the drama and mindgames upsetting her but in her shoes Id tell him to fuck off. His mouth is too big for starters. & he is goading her.

All that nonsense about her seeing you as a "Goddess" he is stroking your ego whilst belittling his own gfriend at the same time. To what end, who knows, but I guess it will become apparent in time

I have a male good friend too, I won't call him "best" but I've known him around 20 years.. Don't see him so often now but we chat on phone at times, meet up very occasionally we NEVER discuss our partners in detail with each other. Yes if either of us is pissed off, had a row with partner we can and do say that but, no specifics, doesnt even cross our minds. Thats how loyalty and respect looks

Time and again men like your friend OP, will saddle a woman with a reputation for being crazy, controlling, insecure, jealous. Just like that. & of course if the great man says it, it must be true musn't it?

Teaandcakeat8 · 23/03/2016 07:20

They way you have presented all this is that you have done no wrong and that she is insecure, jealous, controlling and dragging your BFF down. Is that really the whole story?

Not saying you have done anything wrong but you and B almost come across conspirators against F.

I can't help but feel a bit sorry for her. As he is pouring out all the details of their relationship she has no opportunity to defend herself. Remember there are two sides to every story. If she is so horrendous and he so great, why has he moved in with her?

I would go on the trip but perhaps do take the opportunity to give these two some space and when you're back, back off a little to give this guy the breathing space to sort his relationship out.

HPsauciness · 23/03/2016 07:22

Go, but bear in mind this won't solve the problem, and more than likely it will be the last time you get to do something nice together. I lost a very dear male friend this way and they are still together (very happily in their own little unit) 10 years down the line. There was nothing I could ultimately do to stop our friendship collapsing in the face of extreme irrational jealousy and all our other friends were ditched too.

Bunbaker · 23/03/2016 07:22

"Your man is a troublemaker, OP. You shouldn't know about her past issues. She is insecure about you..no wonder, I bet he talks about you all the time since he feels free to tell you what they talk and argue about. He has no loyalty to her.... and after doing all that, the 3 of you are going away together. Why would she be happy with that?"

This ^^.

There is nothing wrong with your friendship with B, but I don't think he is doing much to reassure his girlfriend. I can totally understand why she views you as a threat. I also think that you can't be doing much to reassure her yourself.

You didn't plan a cycle ride on Sunday with him did you?

HPsauciness · 23/03/2016 07:25

If she is so horrendous and he so great, why has he moved in with her?

In my friend's case he was himself very underconfident, and very pleased to find an attractive, fun, person who he got on with very well and fell in love with- the price to be paid was to create a unit of two and get rid of the rest (friends, hobbies she didn't like)! Lovely people often make unwise choices.

SleepyBoBo · 23/03/2016 07:25

How on earth is the boyfriend being disloyal, talking to his friend about a controlling, jealous partner? Should the issue be just swpet under the rug?? If a woman was saying this about her male partner, the responses would be 'she's in an EA relationship, she needs to find the stength to leave but you're being a great supportive friend'. But since he's a guy, he's being 'dishonest' Hmm.

I would go, OP and have a great time at the gig. Anything else they want to do alone, fine, but don't pander to her controlling behaviour as well. I think the girlfriend is being very disrespectful to both of you, assuming you both have nothing more intersting to do together than have a 'dirty weekend'. Sounds like she needs help with her issues, however you can't help that, and your friend can't either. However that's their issue to sort. Hope you enjoy the band.

XIsACunt · 23/03/2016 07:35

How on earth is the boyfriend being disloyal, talking to his friend about a controlling, jealous partner? Should the issue be just swpet under the rug?? If a woman was saying this about her male partner, the responses would be 'she's in an EA relationship, she needs to find the stength to leave but you're being a great supportive friend'. But since he's a guy, he's being 'dishonest'

^agree with this^

Bunbaker · 23/03/2016 07:35

She is jealous because she feels insecure. I find it difficult to understand that some posters on here can't see that.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2016 07:37

He's not very loyal to lay it on like this re her being insecure etc. You are an ex be it only of 2 weeks and the whole event now sounds nauseous.

Knowing about her wanting to attend the other event minus you is just embarrassing for all concerned.

To be honest I would probably pull out as I couldn't be fussed with all the pettiness.

XIsACunt · 23/03/2016 07:39

Her insecurities where there before she got into this relationship. She was insecure anyway. Her insecurities weren't a result of the Ops friendship.

Until she addresses the deeper underlying reasons for her insecurities which she had anyway she will always be controlling and insecure. Regardless of Op been in the picture.

Playthegameout · 23/03/2016 07:44

B sounds a bit immature. Why is he talking to you and his other friends about F's issues and not F? It comes across like he's enjoying making a big drama out of them doing something, after all if you've said you're OK with it, why is he so insistent it's a big problem?
Instead of bitching about F he could grow up and actually talk to her, if it's so bad he should end it.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2016 07:44

'The goddess thing isn't exact words used, but best way I could describe how F thinks B sees me'

Hhhhmmmmm

Bunbaker · 23/03/2016 07:45

B sounds a bit like one of DD's ex boyfriends. He is now generally considered a bit of a dick by most of the girls at school.

curren · 23/03/2016 07:45

How on earth is the boyfriend being disloyal, talking to his friend about a controlling, jealous partner? Should the issue be just swpet under the rug?? If a woman was saying this about her male partner, the responses would be 'she's in an EA relationship, she needs to find the stength to leave but you're being a great supportive friend'. But since he's a guy, he's being 'dishonest'

Actually I know several women who enjoy the drama of an EA relationship and act in ways to stir it up. Including dragging all their friends into it so they can sympathise, give support, be outraged, get involved and argue with the partner.

In my experience some EA relationships are EA from both sides.

My aunt for example. Her dh is insecure and she goes out of her way to make sure he knows she could leave him for any man (she couldn't, she just thinks she can) at the drop of a hat. It's EA from both sides. His insecurity has got worse.

Many people don't realise their partners are EA. They feel insecure and worthless and lucky that their partner stays. Often not realising that the partner is the reason they feel insecure and worthless.

EA relationships aren't black and white. The most obvious type of EA isn't the only one.

He definitely does need to leave her. It. Isn't healthy. But it also sounds like he quite likes the drama too.

Teaandcakeat8 · 23/03/2016 07:46

In my friend's case he was himself very underconfident, and very pleased to find an attractive, fun, person who he got on with very well and fell in love with- the price to be paid was to create a unit of two and get rid of the rest (friends, hobbies she didn't like)! Lovely people often make unwise choices.

But then if that's his choice, he shouldn't be taking every opportunity to complain about her. He must have known what he was getting into.

I just don't think the dynamics in the relationship between a male, his best female friend who he once briefly dated and his new gf can be this clean cut that the new gf is the only person in the wrong.

HPsauciness · 23/03/2016 07:50

In my friend's case, he didn't like the drama, and he talked seriously about leaving many times. Ultimately though, he didn't want to go through life alone, and the life they created together, in terms of the house, the careers and a very lovey-dovey passionate relationship wasn't something he wanted to lose. It's easy to think people who are controlling in this area are in all other areas, but in her case this was not true, she just wanted to create a small unit of the two of them, hating female friends especially, but also making it very difficult to keep up male friendships too. It was just like the scenario above- so would agree they could come over, or have a weekend together, then the conditions would be set, the tears would flow and eventually it was easier to just not bother trying to sustain friendships. When I see them together (very rarely, every few years, when unavoidable from her perspective), though, he is pretty happy and likes his current life. He paid a price, but it hasn't been unrelenting misery, just a new life away from the past and old friends. Very sad for me anyway.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 23/03/2016 07:54

I think the op needs to back off and B needs to focus on his 'real' gf.

No wonder B Gf is insecure, I think she needs to fuck B off actually - he sounds like a nob.

How old are you all?

Branleuse · 23/03/2016 08:00

your friend is totally playing the two of you off against each other, enjoying his girlfriends insecurity, making it worse and really REALLY betraying her by telling you all about it, Making her look hysterical and kind of ruining any possible friendship you two women could ever have.

Its the oldest trick in the book. He is getting off on this, believe me.

I feel very sorry for his girlfriend, and a bit sorry for you for being drawn into the drama, but you really do need to back off from a friendship where the other partner feels so utterly threatened. First rule of platonic friendships

Lunar1 · 23/03/2016 08:02

B sounds like he loves the drama and insecurity he's creating. Even if his girlfriend feel like this about the trip he shouldn't be telling you every detail of her thoughts. No wonder she's anxious.

Who exactly told you that she sees you as a goddess figure? Sounds very odd to me.

noddingoff · 23/03/2016 08:03

I would go but resign yourself to the fact that it is not going to be the concert of your dreams. For a start you will need to position yourself with F between you and B and avoid talking across her much. You'll also have to censor out any, "remember when X album was released and we queued all night to get it" stuff. Even so, if F is as bad as B makes out and the "bitch be crazy" element hasn't been overhyped, I would be unsurprised if F is determined not to have a good time at the concert and declares it to be shit, or says that she has a migraine and needs B to take her back to the hotel. In which case you will be a spectator at a bitter argument.

Terribleknitter · 23/03/2016 08:04

You know it's possible she doesn't see you as a 'goddess', just an ex of his who won't go away?

iloveeverykindofcat · 23/03/2016 08:09

Go. Enjoy. You sound like a lovely, considerate person and F sounds nuts like hard work.

Oysterbabe · 23/03/2016 08:14

It's one thing talking through your relationship problems with a good friend. It's another spilling excessive details to several people including the person the issue centres around. He's completely humiliated his girlfriend. I can picture F giving B a cuddle at the gig and OP and B sharing a look and an eye roll.
If he thinks so little of her he should leave.