Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

[potentialthirdwheel]

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

He sounds like a dick. You sound like you don't mind being a goddess, and she sounds fed up.

Tbh I wouldn't go, it sounds like no fun whatsoever!

I would actually not go in this situation as it would serve your friend right. Actually I think its rude of him to refuse to do something just with his partner in this situation.

I was very very insecure and jealous for a long time - I had therapy to get over it. Who knows what goes on in her life or in her head - maybe her family life was traumatic, maybe her father had affairs - so many reasons she could be insecure. I would never mock someone for being jealous, its a really really painful way to live - your friend should be either supportive and kind to her or if he really feels he can't help her he should break up with her.

He should not be mocking her and talking about her behind her back.

"He should break up with her."

Or she could break up with him - like a sensible woman would do if she had a boyfriend who enjoyed making her her feel like the runner-up in her own relationship.

Go and see the band. You'll regret it if you don't. Spend the rest of the weekend well away from them. Am sure you can find loads of things to do.

My ex used to call me nuts to anyone who would listen. I was insecure.

One of his best mates who was also an ex-girlfriend (his friendship group had all dated each other) used to refuse to see him if I was also there. She claimed that I didn't like her and she felt uncomfortable. This was after we'd met once. After that, I was uncomfortable with the fact she wanted to hang out with him alone in his uni room because it seemed obvious she still had feelings for him and was twisting them into an irrational dislike of me.

When I finally LTB, she admitted she still loved him and tried to seduce him. He told me about it. I just said "I told you

My ex certainly got off on the idea of two women fighting over him. I think a lot of blokes do. Makes them feel wanted. You're playing his little game like a puppet.

Sorry I haven't been back yet!

I know L reasonably well in real life, and do know of some of her issues as she has told me personally. L and I first met at my engagement party about 18 months ago, and she was lovely, very sweet although very shy, they had been together around 8 months by this point but she lived in another area so we had never met. L has no friends here and I have made a big effort to try and make her feel welcome etc but she has no interest. B has lots of female friends and male friends, he sees his male friends for football on Saturday. I don't see B very often due to Fs insecurities. B and myself have 0 interest in one another from a romantic or sexual perspective. He loves F, and I was absolutely delighted for them to get together, he has tried to get her to seek therapy and accompanied her to the GP. It got too much for B and he tried to end it and F threatened to OD on her new medication so B feels slightly trapped, but at the same time loves F and hates seeing her struggle. She feels the way she does about me to most women in contact with B, and when we've been out will actively glare at B if he is nice to a female shop assistant.

I feel for F, I really do, her issues stretch far back and beyond me and I'd actually really like it if we could connect properly as friends and maybe she would understand I want nothing more than a friendship with B but her issues won't allow it. I've already said I'm not entirely comfortable with how much information is shared by B about their relationship, but I've overheard conversations etc. I gave B a lift one day in the rain and she called, found out he was in the car and accused us of having sex even though I offered to pick her up too if she needed!

F* not L obviously!

B has never once mocked F or said anything nasty about her to me, he merely talks about their situation and how he struggles with it.

Sorry for the multiple posts, trying to cover as many questions.

B has had other relationships during the duration of our friendship, and none have had any issue with me. Before DP I was in another long term relationship. B and I's breif relationship involved a few dates and nothing more, we didn't sleep together. We were both newly single at the time and I guess seen each other as a crutch, 2 weeks in and we realised how incompatible we were as a couple compared to being friends.

So it's that bad she needs 'help'?

That's makes the tone of your OP very different.

If it's boarding on a mental health issues, I can conceive why all this drama over a weekend. She isn't unreasonable, she is unwell.

As difficult as it may be for him. He has to choose to stay or go. He can't be half in or half out.

On the one hand he should be able go away. But he also should appreciate she is struggling. Living with someone who has anxiety, depression, mental health problems etc is so hard. We all don't do the right thing at one time or another. Some times it's too much and we need to leave.

But he has to make a decision. Is he willing to help her (even though she won't help herself), or is it too much?

Talking to someone is fine, talking to everyone and all them talking about it (you said you had some stuff from other people) is not ok.

He can't stay because she may kill herself. He needs to make sure someone is aware of the threat (her parents for example) if he decides to leave.

I stand by what I said earlier. This is not a healthy relationship and B is dragging everyone else in. She has the right to privacy, especially if she has legitimate issues.

I didnt mean to dripfeed. F doesnt think her problem requires help from a professional, but went to see her gp with B.

I have suffered mental health issues myself, I know how difficult it can be but in this siutation its hard to know what is going on. I feel for F, I really do. I dont know if its worth inviting F for a coffee etc? Just the two of us, and maybe she will feel less threatened when she sees im just happy and excited for the concert?

It's interesting how we have two threads running from opposite sides this one and another who's DW is upset with DH spending time with a female friend. Both responses on both threads conflict one another.

I totally disagree with this Sunshine

The OP from the other thread has never met the woman her partner spent time with.

The OP on this thread is a confidante for all her best friends, girlfriends issues, giving her an intimate knowledge of her deepest insecurities. (Not your fault OP)

Extremely different scenarios.

He shouldn't talk about the situation though in a way that reveals private details and humiliating things about her behaviour. He is either with her and loyal or he's not. If she's abusive he should get out, he doesn't sound like he's in an abusive situation therefore I don't think he's right to be talking about her so freely.

Any relationship that is limping along because one of the parties has threatened to OD is doomed. Whether it's because he really is in love with you or because she doesn't want him to have female friends, these two people should not be together. There is no reasonable or unreasonable about it.

Go to see the band, but I wouldn't want to spend time with them as a couple.

You should go and go to the gig, however you should suggest to your friend that him and his GF so something just the two of them because they obviously 'need some space' at the moment.

You don't need to be in the middle of her crazy.

I also wouldn't discuss the relationship with him or try to be her friend.

It goes back to that Maya Angelou quote about believing people when they show you who they are. She is not somebody who is comfortable with their partner having friends of the opposite sex. He both likes having friends of the opposite sex and likes to confide in them.

He either needs to end the relationship or change his behaviour, otherwise he is just enjoying the drama.

It's OK not to be OK with your partner having friends of the opposite sex. It doesn't mean you need help. However it does mean that these two are incompatible.

The best way to make an unstable person much worse is to create a culture where it's ok to view them as nuts, to talk about them negatively, and generally to suggest that the usual rules about showing loyalty and respect to your partner don't apply to them. However irrational the gf was to begin with, she now has good reason to feel paranoid, isolated and undermined in relation to her bf's relationships with other women. Because he's talking about her to anyone who will listen.

I wouldn't be happy if my partner did this. If he is -and you- are serious about 'helping' then you'll stop giving her reasons to feel talked about. Your continual sympathising may also be feeding the bf's resentment and encouraging him to feel that every feeling she had comes from the craziness tree. Which is highly unlikely to be the case; some of your comments about her, I can imagine having tame beginnings that became distorted in the 'guess what she's said now' mill. Eg public displays of affection. Maybe he holds her hand and looks at her much less when you're around and maybe it's clear that in many ways he likes you more. Perhaps she tried to articulate that by highlighting that he never holds her hand when you're around, or something. And this has got back to you as a demand for PDA. That kind of thing.

I do feel for your friend but he's being unfair to her and exacerbating the problem by talking about it with you, and I lose sympathy for you that this has gone over your head. You are also very patronising about her which could be unpleasant to be around. If your friend hasn't got male friends to discuss this with, then he needs help and there is more to this than meets the eye.

Oh, and the pickle you're in about the weekend is your and his doing as much as hers, I think. You two want to discuss her when she's not there so she wants to limit your time as a three-some... Six of one...

This sounds a lot like Me, DH and his ex-fiancee. Perhaps you will end up together one day?

About 18 years ago, DH and I had been best friends for 6 years. There had never been romantic feelings between us or any dates or anything. We were singularly best friends.

His fiancee at the time was very insecure about me, because he would talk about me a lot and he even wanted me to be a bridesmaid at his wedding. Although his fiancee and I were civil and I even liked her, I thought they were incompatible.

She became increasingly paranoid about me, despite the fact that I lived abroad at the time. We went on a short break together, and she was already upset that he paid for my fare/accommodation. It was an awful weekend - I just kept wanting to give them space, but it was clear he just preferred my company . It was awkward. I tried so hard to be friends with her, but she was feeling insecure.

They finally broke up over my birthday gift. DH's mother had died and left him her fine jewellery. She obviously had her eye on his mother's jewellery and she would ask him if he would let her wear any, or give any after marriage. He refused to give her any of it. She then hit the roof when he decided to give me the diamond necklace of his mother for my 30th. It was the most precious piece he had. He later told me that he didn't think his fiance would ever deserve it and that I knew how to treasure things. I was so overwhelmed and I just promised that I would give it to any daughter he had whenever she got married.

When they argued about it, DH then just said the worst thing to her - 'but she's my soul mate and you are not, you are just my fiance'. Shortly after they broke up. I felt bad about it.

We didn't get together until four years later and married shortly after.

gonetoseeaman said "If your friend hasn't got male friends to discuss this with, then he needs help and there is more to this than meets the eye."

Why does he need help? I'm a man and if I had to name my ten closest friends, numbers 1-9 would be female. I have slept with none of them, never would. I have had female friends cry their hearts out to me about their mum dying, their partner dumping them. One of my female friends's husband (whom I also knew, but not as well as I'd known her much longer) dropped dead completely unexpectedly at the age of 36 leaving her with a 4-year old and a 1-year old. We regularly used to socialise separately but also in a close group of (at that time) four couples. Yet the person that she chose to ring up and ask for help to arrange the funeral was me. And to speak at the funeral. And to help organise a memorial event. For the first few months, I'd get phone calls with her in tears. My then partner didn't mind. Do these women all need help because they chose to discuss these things with me rather than a female friend? Or was there more to it than met the eye and they all had designs on me?

I wrote on here a while ago about my situation. I had been friends with someone for 15 years but then their new DP decided I was a threat. Despite him not wanting me to, I've gone NC with him - mainly because when they got together I realised m feelings for him were deeper than I thought.

If I were you, I would go to the concert then only spend time with them with your DP in tow. It comes across as though he is still a little too attached to you for comfort and his GF senses this.

Do these women all need help because they chose to discuss these things with me rather than a female friend?

No they don't, Still. But cultivating opposite sex friends has an agenda, especially for men who like that feeling of being the man women turn to. Doesn't have to be about sexual attraction at all, there are varied dynamics. Such as hero/saviour. Most women probably know a man like that - they come along every so often in life, hanging around if you let them - who either has no male friends competition or if he does, his few male friends certainly don't see him in the way he sees himself

Some men just love to be up in women's business.

I treat male and female friends equally, I cba with the pedestal thing it doesnt wash with me. Thinking about it though, If I was in really dire circumstances there are only 2 friends I would turn to. & both are female. As a female I have far more in common with them. A bond. I can't imagine only having opposite sex friends but validation needs are different on an individuals basis, aren't they

As an aside, any woman I've known who's described a man as her "best" friend, I've never heard the man describe her in same way. Friend, yes. But not "best"

I am going against the grain a bit here.

I really feel for F. Whether or not she thinks, feels or wants proffesional help she clearly isn't in a good place. Frankly it won't matter whether or not you are in the picture until she deals with the root cause of her insecurities she will always be insecure about one thing or another when it comes to your friend (late from work, going out with his male friends with or without her, going away with his male friends etc.). It's very controlling. In addition she's also threatening OD. Not great really.

I agree with the poster that said your friend should inform her family about the OD. This is a worrying situation and your friend needs support. It's not easy living with someone that insecure never mind when they threaten OD. There is no way I would abandon my best friend (male or female) of 10 years in this situation. I would be there to support even if I was just there to listen. I would hope in a similar situation my friends wouldn't abandon me. whats the point in having friends if they don't stick around when you are in a hard or difficult place.

Well mistressdee put it way more better than I was going to attempt - but yeah I agree with her post!

XIsACunt given your username, I must admit I am idly wondering if you mean you would be there for your ex if he was telling you all these unsubstantiated things about his gf.