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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend away with male best friend and his girlfriend.

159 replies

potentialthirdwheel · 23/03/2016 05:06

NC for this as potentially outing, sorry its long!

I'm going for a weekend away in another city to see a band I've been waiting to see for almost 10 years. My male best friend and I have booked to see this band across the atlantic in the past but the first trip was cancelled due to life threatening illness and second because the band split up. This a last chance affair for me to see them, and a band that we have mutually loved for the 10 years of our friendship.

Best friend, we'll call him B, has a girlfriend F, they've recently moved in together. F has issues stemming back to her past and is very very insecure, sees me as some sort of goddess figure that B is in love with and I am brought up in every single arguement between them. Her reasons are that we dated for approximately 2 weeks 8 years ago, and that he talks about me too much. We've been best friends so for long, and travelled a lot and experienced a lot together so its understandable I might get brought up in conversation. B is not allowed to socialise with other females, despite all of his female friends being in long-term relationships, myself included.

B seen that the band was playing a one off show, and asked F is she was up for a weekend away with the three of us to see the band. F blew a fuse over him asking me because she has apparently already decided they would go together as a couples weekend, no previous mention of it to B, and that he should now just go away with me because he clearly wants a dirty weekend.

F eventually relaxed, tickets, hotel and transport all booked. This week F said that she wants to go to another event whilst there with B, and that I'm not to come because its for them as a couple only and that I can "find something else to do". B thinks this is unfair and has caused a falling out with F who thinks he is now picking me over her. F has said that she wants to see public displays of affection when I'm around to prove that he is focused on her and not me.

I'm not fussed about them going off and doing something together, I understand that as a couple they might want to do something on their own, but B is miffed at her insistence about it. My DP isn't coming due to other commitments, he knows I have a healthy and purely platonic friendship with B, he is also his friend.

B is now feeling very awkward about the trip, and has said he feels horrible at her demands to ditch me so they can do something together, even though he knows I'm okay with it, it was not a weekend specifically for them as a couple. F has to come along, despite not liking the band, or B wouldnt be allowed on the trip alone with me. B thought he was doing a good thing by getting tickets for us to go to something we'd been trying to do for years. He is a very good partner, works hard and is extremely caring to all his friends, family and previous partners, he would never ever be unfaithful and the thought of us even being together is absolutely vile. I'm happily engaged and planning children in the near future.

Is F being unreasonable to feel the way she is, and to demand I find something else to do at some point during the trip so they can do something together or AIBU by going on this trip in the first place, and imposing on what F decided was a couples weekend? Should I even go at all?

OP posts:
Jw35 · 23/03/2016 08:15

How on earth is the boyfriend being disloyal, talking to his friend about a controlling, jealous partner? Should the issue be just swpet under the rug?? If a woman was saying this about her male partner, the responses would be 'she's in an EA relationship, she needs to find the stength to leave but you're being a great supportive friend'. But since he's a guy, he's being 'dishonest'

Because in this case the male and female had a relationship at one point and are therefore ex partners! Bit different IMO. Besides I don't think discussing a relationship so negatively says much about the relationship whether it's female to female or male to female. The fact is he's making his gf feel insecure and no wonder! It doesn't matter what op thinks of his gf anyway, if she cared about him without wanting him as a bf she would step back so he doesn't ruin things for her friend. If he cared about either of them he wouldn't let them be rivals.

Babycham1979 · 23/03/2016 08:16

He should LTB! She sounds toxic.

Do I win MN Bingo??

XIsACunt · 23/03/2016 08:21

I actually feel a bit sorry for both of them.

F because it must be awful feelin so insecure. It sounds like whatever happened in her past has left a real impact. She really needs to try and find a way of dealing with it so it doesn't continue to affect her in this way

B because it's awful living / having a relationship with someone that's insecure. You are left feeling responsible for their continued happiness. You feel torn between your friends, family and the constant need to make your partner feel happy/comfortable. It turns into a parent and child type relationship. It's awful. You are better off out of there.

I do agree the whole goddess thing is a bit strange

op have F previous girlfriends also had a problem with your friendship ovr the last 10 years?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 23/03/2016 08:24

Jw35 I don't think I would class two weeks of dating a "relationship"

However, as a man who has a female best friend and far more female friends than male friends (stemming, I suspect, from being 1 of only 5 boys - 2 of whom didn't live in my town) in my class at primary school with 16 girls, having good female friends has been the norm since I was 5, I have been in B's shoes.

The first friends my ex was introduced to were two of my female friends and then my female best friend. They were all coupled and I had known them all for years before my ex came along. She was fine with them. Until any of them became single when they became, in her head, competition. She particularly took against my best friend after her 5-year long relationship broke up and started trying to lay down the law that I couldn't see her.

She is now my ex, and has been for 6 years. My best friend and all my female friends and I are still friends and I have not slept with any of them, nor do I wish to (nor they me, I am sure).

NanoTechMum · 23/03/2016 08:28

If all you knew from B was that F wanted to come for the weekend with you and forewarning that whilst there they would do an activity just the two of them I bet you wouldn't give it too much thought and have a great weekend.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2016 08:31

B is playing all of you like fiddles

More fool you for being a bit part in the Drama of Him

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 23/03/2016 08:34

B sounds like a spineless knob tbh

muddymary · 23/03/2016 08:35

I might be wrong but the impression I get from your post is that B is playing you off against each other. Making her feel like you are a threat and making you feel like she is jealous of you.

JapanNextYear · 23/03/2016 08:42

I have been that bonkers jealous girlfriend, look back and cringe. I don't know why boyfriend put up with me so long. He talked to his friends about it because I was being way weird. He was a genuinely lovely bloke but we were entirely unsuited to each other...I was devastated when we split up but it was the best thing ever, now with someone who suits me and I've honestly never felt a bit of jealousy.

My only excuse is I was in v eRly 20s...

Go, support your friend, enjoy the gig and it probably won't last with the
Girlfriend. He sounds like he needs all the friends he's got.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 23/03/2016 08:42

He's completely humiliated his girlfriend. I can picture F giving B a cuddle at the gig and OP and B sharing a look and an eye roll
If he thinks so little of her he should leave

This. Not a nice situation at all

waterrat · 23/03/2016 08:43

B has no respect for his girlfriend at all.

Spring2016 · 23/03/2016 08:51

Guess he will have to choose between you from what I am hearing.

tootsietoo · 23/03/2016 08:53

None of us really know exactly the dynamics of this do we? As in who in the triangle is being a knob, or more of a knob than the others?

But if B is going to stay with F, then he has to realise he can't have any platonic female friends. I think that sounds like a bit of a sad situation, but it is his choice.

If I was you OP I'd go and enjoy the band, but perhaps make it clear that you will go off and do your own thing the rest of the time, just back off. He will be able to decide soon enough whether he wants to stay with F, or keep his friends.

I lost my best male friend when he met his wife. There were other reasons that didn't help, ie. he lived a fair distance away and didn't have money for travelling much, but when he met her he pretty much dropped me and the rest of our small close group of uni friends, and we don't really know why - she never seemed to like us much. At his wedding his sister made a point of coming and saying to me that she knew how close we'd been, which I really appreciated. If I'd been a man maybe I'd have been an usher or best man - as it was I had no role to play at all. And I've barely seen him since. I still feel sad about it. Reading this thread I can see that perhaps he did the right thing as in he just quietly stopped seeing us all, no bitching about her. He made his choice.

SaucyJack · 23/03/2016 08:56

I think you're all as bad as each other.

The bunny boiler, the self-proclaimed Goddess, and the shit-stirrer in the middle.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 23/03/2016 09:11

think I would be encouraging My DP to go along too and do your own PDA's have a word with her and point out that she must be very insecure to feel threatened by someone who is engaged and in a happy relationship elsewhere, and ask why you can't just be friends too, point out your DP is B's friend too and tell her not to be so silly or she will lose him or do you secretly like the attention from being seen as a goddess?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2016 09:17

Who told you about the PDA rubbish? Guessing that's him....he's beyond insensitive as that's quite nasty.

I think though maybe she hasn't said that at all....and HE is already making excuses for HIS Normal behaviour with her

Duckdeamon · 23/03/2016 09:22

Agree with PPs that whatever F's "issues" B doesn't come out of this well at all.

gatewalker · 23/03/2016 09:29

The issue rests squarely at the feet of B, imo.

molyholy · 23/03/2016 09:33

*B is playing all of you like fiddles

More fool you for being a bit part in the Drama of Him*

This ^

Chocolatteaddict1 · 23/03/2016 09:37

I don't think op comes out of it smelling of roses either.

Duckdeamon · 23/03/2016 09:41

Not really. I had a couple of similar situation in my late teens with male friends, listening to their drama etc: thought I was being a "cool friend" but really were being disrespectful twats and I was colluding in that and enjoying the sense of being a "cool girl"!

Grew out of that after a female friend set me straight!

Sunshine87 · 23/03/2016 09:42

It's interesting how we have two threads running from opposite sides this one and another who's DW is upset with DH spending time with a female friend. Both responses on both threads conflict one another.

A couple of things stick out for me here;

You and your BM GF aren't friends why not?

You have a DP surely it would be better if you did activities as a foursome rather than a threesome?

I get the impression this isn't the first issue you've had with your BM GF, why arrange to do stuff nothing your DP can't come
Seems strange if you know it will cause problems.

Most women would feel insecure OP especially if you had a DP and he wasn't coming along. I think she should be able to spent time alone with her DP. ( I actually think your BM is enjoying all the chaos this is causing and stirring the pot repeating private conversations). How would you feel if it was your DP?

Marynary · 23/03/2016 09:42

F sounds like a pain in the neck. B is also unreasonable though as by telling you what F says to him (I'm sure she doesn't know about it), he is making everything a lot worse. I had a friend like him when I was in my twenties. I gave up being his friend because of this kind of grief. He is now married to her (for over 20 years) which makes me think that she either wasn't as bad as he made out or he is a total wimp for putting up with it.
Either way, your friendship is probably doomed. I would still go but if possible I would get your DP or another friend to go too.

redshoeblueshoe · 23/03/2016 09:54

B sounds like a twat.

MissBattleaxe · 23/03/2016 11:33

I feel sorry for F. Insecurity usually stems from a fear of abandonment and you don't know what went on in her past to make her so anxious.

I'm not surprised F is wobbly about this. There is a lot of cosiness going on between you and B, and he seems to enjoy discussing his popularity with you. It's not about sex, it's about priorities and intimacy and a lot of "cool" female friends and "put upon" boyfriends seem to think that as long as they're not shagging then they're not hurting anyone.