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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 19:14

Well this got even more irrational and crazy.
Money was offered as a replacement had already been bought. Ds started with 2 coats, ended up with 2 coats. Ex could have had money towards something else, but declined.
I really do think that now there is just a lot of projection and stealth boasting going on.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:15

It's not the same so I am not even going to bother to respond if you don't mind.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:15

"Stealth boasting". Where?

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 19:17

Shame, I'd have quite liked to know what the financial limit was so next time I don't offend someone if I accidentally break or lose their property.

ElementaryMyDear · 22/03/2016 19:19

Your DP should either be reasonable and buy a new coat or offer to pay for the coat she has already bought

Why don't people read at least the OP's posts? He has offered to pay, so this is a somewhat pointless post.

lljkk · 22/03/2016 19:22

Has this thread established cost of the disputed replacement coat?
Not that I understand paying more than a charity shop £4 anyway

DS is 8yo & insists will only wear one jacket in last 18 months. (which we probably got given or from charity shop). No point in having any extras.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/03/2016 19:24

Your partner ever extremely unreasonable not to replace the coat.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 19:24

Just for clarification:

All coats, the lost, the spare and the replacement were similar, warm winter coats. Not identical but equally good for school, winter etc.

She bought the replacement before any of us were aware it was totally missing. She didn't even give us the opportunity to check the relative's house before buying it.

Dp is not shirking his responsibility to replace it, that was never in question, but she had already replaced it before we had a chance, she bought a new one before even mentioning it to us, in the vein of - I've noticed DSS didn't bring his coat home. I've bought a new one, please look for the other one and if not replace it.

I never called her grabby, a PP did. I did actually offer to give DSS one of my ds' spare coats, which was decent and had never been worn as it was a present from GP's that he never used but it wasn't a good enough brand and was second hand.

Cannot, I wasn't insinuating that a charity shop replacement would be fine as he already had 2, I would have suggested it even it was the sole coat as you can get good brands cheaper that way. Appriciate that is not everyone's experience though. If my own dc's lost a coat and had it replaced with a charity shop one I would be fine with it even if it was their only one as long as it was decent.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 22/03/2016 19:24

*was not ever Confused

ElementaryMyDear · 22/03/2016 19:25

You should replace the coat. You lost it, you replace it. Doesn't matter if she got him another one. She shouldn't have had to and in this weather would have needed to immediately. Three coats is not loads

But she didn't have to. He already had another coat. What she was entitled to was either the money for a new coat or another coat. She's been offered the money, why not take it? Surely that is more use to her than a new coat that he will only wear for a few weeks?

ElementaryMyDear · 22/03/2016 19:27

Can you imagine an insurance company doing this if you'd had an accident? Sorry your bmw has been written off how about a nice second hand one from the scrapyard?

But that is, in effect, precisely what insurance companies do do, unless you pay a higher premium to get new for old. If you write your car off tomorrow, HeadoftheHive, don't expect your insurance company to offer you the value of a shiny new car, they will offer only the value of the one you lose. And if that is only equivalent to a second hand car then that is what you will have to get, unless you want to pay the difference.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 22/03/2016 19:27

It sounds like you begrudge having a stepson and having to spend money on him.

I'd be fuming if an adult lost something and tried to replace it with a charity shop find or a cast off they didn't want.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 19:28

I hope the people saying he should replace the coat would expect the mum to if she lost a coat the dad bought. Ya know, because dads like to buy their children clothes as well.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 19:30

Nicki,the outlining of their dc's 9 coats in an irrelevant and embarrassingly tacky fashion.
Fwiw, I grew up with divorced parents and this sort of shit was horrific and happened often growing up. Point scoring and fatuous. Anyone with half an ounce of common sense would take the money for the replacement coat. Just daft.

ElementaryMyDear · 22/03/2016 19:35

I can't see that this is analogous to a child losing a coat whilst at a friend's house, because the father is allowed at least an equal say to the mother about what his son wears. If he's happy with a charity shop coat then that's fine. But, for what it's worth, if my child's coat was lost by a friend, then unless it was pretty new I wouldn't expect them to pay for an expensive new specific brand of coat, because what has been lost is a worn second hand coat. I wouldn't expect to make a profit out of the deal.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 19:37

Where have I ever said that Autumn! Bit of a jump isn't it? I'm sure if I really resented having a DSS I wouldn't be marrying his father but hey ho.

Its not that I didn't want DS' spare coat but I didn't see the point in having a decent one sitting in the cupboard not being used, especially as DS has SN and only tends to wear the same things over and over so there's a good chance it will never get used until I donate it, and when I do it will be a brand new coat with tags that someone else can buy for cheap Grin

OP posts:
Bulletpr00f · 22/03/2016 19:38

I wear charity shop clothes happily, as do my DC, but if a friend lent me a top and I lost it, I would never suggest she should be happy with a charity shop version.

Op, maybe the mum rushed to buy another coat because it is cold and he couldn't be without one whilst you faffed around. The reason why she wants another is irrelevant. A presumably expensive if branded, coat was lost on your and your DH's watch, so you replace it. End of.

Good to know you are judging the mother of your stepson though..... Hmm

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 19:43

OP this is MN and people jump to those types of conclusions about people when it comes to their DSCs. Ignore :)

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 19:48

I really fail to see why a third coat needs to be bought. Dss had 2 coats, he lost one but now once again has 2 coats. If ex wants him to have 3 coats she should accept the money offered and buy a third coat. To not accept the offer of paying for the replacement seems needlessly stubborn to me. In ex's shoes I would have taken the money offered, and used it to either to buy another coat or put it towards something else my son my needs.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 19:52

-Op, maybe the mum rushed to buy another coat because it is cold and he couldn't be without one whilst you faffed around-

Presumably you missed the bit where I said that DSS already had 2 coats so she didn't need to rush out and buy another one Wink

OP posts:
NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:57

She's been offered the money, why not take it? Surely that is more use to her than a new coat that he will only wear for a few weeks?

See this is it. Why do you think you or the OP or the ex H are entitled to question how she conducts her household and finances. It's got precisely nothing to do with the ex or his new DP. She doesn't want money, she wants the coat, so that's what she should get. I've also still yet to work out why this make her "grabby" too?

I'm not going to spend my evening arguing about this but if you lose something that belongs to someone else and they request you replace it, then that's what you should do without quibbling and justifying why you shouldn't by nosying into and posting about their private financial affairs on a public forum. This is a very recognisable situation so I hope she doesn't come across it. They're not together, they're not making joint decisions about a purchase for their child, they're two, separate family units, I can actually believe anyone thinks it's ok to question her choices like this and obviously vice versa.

And as for should Dad also request replacement of lost items, of course, why on earth would it be any different?

Marilynsbigsister · 22/03/2016 20:01

OP, did you not realise that this is MN and as a woman with a Dss and a stbdh...(with an ex) there must be an obvious back story. I will translate for you and then you will understand...

You are obviously the OW.
You have run off with this feckless man who pays no child support to his lovely, fragrant and blameless ex .
You despise every penny that leaves your household and heads in ex/Dss direction and thus will only allow your darling fiancé to buy charity shop replacements for ex's genuine designer garb that she has worked 12 HR shifts in a salt mine to buy...

Understand ? Excellent.. Now you have the subtext... As you were...

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 20:02

Nicki, that is a hellish mindset for a child to understand and deal with. Really. Have a think about that boy with umpteen coats because his parents can't work stuff out. How is he going to grow into a fully functioning adult with that sort of irrational, pathetic shit going on?
Have a think and be realistic.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 20:04

And actually Nicki, as his Father, it has everything to do with him.
Stop projecting.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 20:08

Well said Lizzy. Especially when you referred to this whole thing as irrational, pathetic shit. The dad offered the money and she's too stubborn to accept it. Wtf is all that about?