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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:31

nicki The child hasn't been told he's lost one but has two so doesn't need another coat, the child lost a coat and that coat has been replaced already. The father has already offered to pay for the replacement, that offer was rejected as the ex wanted him to buy another coat.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:33

cannot Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat from the OP.

Headofthehive55 · 22/03/2016 18:35

Can you imagine an insurance company doing this if you'd had an accident? Sorry your bmw has been written off how about a nice second hand one from the scrapyard? Well you don't need one anyway you can use your wife's car.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:35

I know. I understand the entire thread thanks. But the ex is being slated as petty for it and for not accepting their choice of coat without a fuss.

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 18:36

Strictly....if I lost your child's coat, one that you had paid for, would you not expect me to replace it on a like for like basis? without any argument? would you not expect me to just face up to it and not need to disect your motives as to the number of coats I already had? would you not expect to be allowed to buy whatever coat you considered appropriate for your child, without me questioning it? would you not be insulted to be told that a charity shop coat was good enough because you already had other coats?

The OP (or her DP - hard to tell really) simply doesn't want to accept responsibility for paying for a coat that they lost. The rest of it is total bollox.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:37

Oh and "grabby". I missed that. Grabby for wanting a coat to be replaced that was lost and for perhaps not wanting to have to go shopping for it herself, having presumably already shopped for the first coat AND the replacement coat.

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 18:38

Mine has 9 coats and jackets, I like to buy him nice coats. Does he need 9? Probably not, but what I spend my salary on is my business.

I'm actually just going to buy him another, a friend sent me a link to Zara boys coats and I've seen several I like the look of.

Headofthehive55 · 22/03/2016 18:38

I imagine mum wanted him to have another coat for use when he's with dad.

My DD has several coats. Five I think. I have five too. Coats are like shoes. Different purposes.

BloodyHell33 · 22/03/2016 18:39

YABVU.

My son has a really decent, warm Gap coat that his great aunt bought him for Christmas. If my ex lost it, damn right Id expect a decent replacement and not some bollocks thing from a charity shop.

This is coming from someone who loves charity shops. But there's just no way I'd be able to find one that decent, that warmth, that size for my son in a charity shop. There's more chance of be producing the coat clean from my butt.

Replace the damn coat. And her debt and finances don't concern you at all.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:41

cannot If my DC had lost a coat on my ex's watch and I already had one I would have asked ex to go and replace like for like or replace myself and accept his offer of money. I would not replace myself and then ask him to replace it too.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 18:43

If he's offered the money and she won't accept it, buy a coat. But keep it at yours. Then he has a coat at each house.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:45

Maybe she doesn't want to keep sending coats over for them to be lost? Maybe she doesn't want to be in the position of no coat on a Monday morning because it got lost? Maybe the other cost isn't suitable for school or not a proper winter coat? This way if they do lose the coat again, he comes home to the same coat, which is really as it should be. I don't get the dilemma here. I totally see where she's coming from.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:50

nicki in which case why ask for the coat to be at hers? Surely the same would apply if the coat lived at theirs. DC loses the mum's coat on dad's watch, coat gets replaced by dad's coat, dad then has to re-replace his coat. Mum never has to be fussed by lost coats again.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:53

Well it won't stay at hers forever will it? Because he will be wearing it to and from.

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 18:55

nicki but she wasn't in the position of no coat on Monday. And it happened once. The coat has been replaced by mum (who sounds like such a fusspot over clothing that it's as well the dad didn't even bother) and she has rejected the money offered to pay for that coat. That is her lookout. If dad wants to buy a coat to keep at his house he can, and it can be any damn coat he pleases. And perhaps the both of them could teach their son to keep a better look out for his possessions.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:56

He sure can but he should also replace the one he lost.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:58

nicki it may never appear in dad's house if its one of three coats

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 19:03

It's been replaced. By the mum. Who has refused payment for it. Her lookout.

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 19:03

Are you the mum?

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:05

It doesn't matter if he's got FIFTY coats. That's his mothers business, in her household, her finances, which is her business. You replace what you lost if someone else paid for it! What's so hard to understand about it? They're not a couple, they don't discuss jointly discuss purchases for their child. She bought a coat, they lost a coat, now replace the coat. Her choices with regard to all coats future, past or present is irrelevant. Just as Dad can choose whichever coat he wants his son to wear at his house and doesn't have to run it by her.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:06

Don't be silly River.

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 19:07

Why silly, nicki? You are defending the mum's position beyond all reason.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 19:08

So if someone breaks a mug at your house you expect them to go out and buy you an identical mug? You wouldn't accept an apology and an offer of payment for a replacement?

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 19:09

In your opinion only river plenty agree with me.

Another silly comment. A mug is not an expensive coat Hmm

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 19:13

Depends on how stringent your mug buying policy is.

The premise is no different though. Or is there an arbitrary financial limit as to where an apology and payment is acceptable or nor?