To want to staple things to this woman's head??

[picklypopcorn]

I just took on a new mentoree at work and she's known for being a "tricky customer"... anyway, thinks I, I shall tame the wild beast and emerge victorious....

Today was our first day working together. It has been exactly 7 minutes since she sat herself down next to me and already I fear I'm way over my head.

This is a transcript of our exact conversation this morning (for context, I am about 7 stone overweight and currently on weightwatchers, which she doesnt know about. She is a healthy weight).

Her: Are you on a diet?

Me: Huh?

Her: Are you on a diet? It's just I have cake and crisps all day, I'm a total addict!

she moves the mountain of cake and crisps to her side of the desk

Me: Oh that's fine don't worry I'll cope!

Her: Do you go to the gym? Do you do any exercise at all?

Me: Well no, but I have dogs so I'm out with them a lot

Her: Oh! Good well that's something then. You should join the gym it's good for you

Me:.... gobsmacked

(here comes the kicker)

Her: I think if i was your size though I'd feel a bit self conscious about gyms.

IWILLENDYOU.

WRAAAATH!!!!

....

I quietly got up and went to the loo.... where I still am.

Bollocks.

In actual employment tribunals: no. You would be surprised how many actually unlawful comments - racist, sexist, disablist, etc - fail in real tribunal cases brought by vulnerable employees.

Yes, there are certainly companies that do not care about their employees well being, hence why they end up in the news. However, I would argue that most successful companies do care about employee well being, perhaps to a fault. Jeez, I worked for a major international oil & gas company whose HR didn't see it below them to send out messages about bathroom etiquette. Personal comments of the type the OP described would of led to a written reprimand at the very least.

I'm sincerely shocked that your workplace wouldn't

This meets the level of 'sincerely shocking'?? The rude colleague said 'are you on a diet' and 'you should go to the gym' and you are 'sincerely shocked' that there are HRs out there who wouldn't give a rat's arse?

If this is what counts on MN as 'sincerely shocking' then it just proves my point about most MNers having no idea about the harsh realities most people work with.

Personal comments of the type the OP described would of led to a written reprimand at the very least

Well, bully for you. Your employer sounds lovely. Most MNers have lovely employers. That's why the advice always goes the way it has gone on this thread. It works out well, assuming that the employer is lovely.

Yes, because that's all it was. I think we might be reading two different opening threads.

Well, given that the OP said there had already been two complaints made about the woman for similar comments, and that her workplace has a 3 strikes rule in regards to these types of things, I would hazard to say that her organization must not be living in your "reality" either.

Yes, MN is full of experts. In the real world, companies avoid tribunals and settle.

Well, bully for you. Your employer sounds lovely. Most MNers have lovely employers.

Or perhaps they have professional employers?

Maybe if most people are saying their organizations would take this seriously, it's because most organizations would take it seriously....

In the real world, companies avoid tribunals and settle.

In the real world HR would speak privately to this person or give her a written warning and be done. If the woman continued, as a low level employee, she would be let go, with a stack of complaints to back up her dismissal.
It would never reach tribunals or settlements. In order for it to do that HR would have to be completely messing up their job.

Well done but as a PP said, don't get carried away listening to all the pompom wavers.

Thanks everyone for your comments and nobody panic, my chat with HR was extremely informal and off the books, I go out for lunch regularly with the guy I spoke to, please know if I didn't have this relationship with him I probably wouldn't have had the courage to call hr at all ... Our chat was more of an informal heads up to him that if anything comes back on me, that's why! I'd never expect hr to take formal action against someone for calling me fat, that's daft! It was more that she continued to be dreadful during our conversation about working relationships that really annoyed me, and if she really can't work with other people then yes, I'd expect hr to get involved to put her on a team working course or something at the very least!

If I hadn't posted on MN i wouldn't have said anything differently I don't think, pompom wavers or not If anything I think without you guys I might have gotten teary eyed (I always do with confrontation it's SO annoying!!) and that would have been so much worse!

Anyway! I agree my threat to her job was very misplaced and I really shouldn't have said it, as I said I totally lost my head and got a bit ranty, it was the 'if your sensitive about your weight you should do something about it' comment which set me off and that's when I sort of lost what I was saying if that makes sense? Anyway I explained this to my friend in HR and he agreed I probably shouldn't have said it, but said actually if I reccomended to my line manager that she was detrimental to the work environment, she probably would be let go considering that she's being passed around the management team, so it wasn't really an empty threat. I told him though I was a dick for saying it!

I agree not everyone works in a nice company, for me personally I count myself as one of the lucky few who do! It's a very young workforce for the most part and the company value culture above all else. Our industry is based on people not product, so talent retention is massively important. They try really hard to foster a relaxed and very positive work environment, there's policies everywhere about 'effective working partnerships' and they do take any upsets to that very very seriously. We have had 3 talks in the 2 years I've been here about workplace bullying...

To put the pp's minds at ease, I (and probably no one else) would ever take advice from an Internet forum without considering it fully first! I agree what I did/ said was not, in hindsight, the best thing to do! I should have just given her a firm stare the first time she said something and brushed over it but I was so stunned I didn't get the chance I blame queen Victoria for my incurable Britishness on that front!

Sorry for ranting at you all and thanks so much for your advice and concern, a quick update: yesterday she worked really well, no more comments and the rest of the team (who have worked with her before) said she seemed a lot more settled than she had done with the previous manager. One of the other team members said she'd asked him if he liked working with me maybe she's testing of I've got the support of my team behind me? My intuition (limited as it is for me at 25!) tells me she is someone who likes clear cut boundaries and good detailed instructions. She responds really well to one on one help on tasks and extremely well to praise, she did a bit of work yesterday that I shouted out as value adding to the rest of the team and she loved that and loved explaining to the rest of the team how she did it and why, so I think she needs a bit more confidence in what she's doing and a few more positive interactions with me and the wider team, then she should be grand if that doesn't work, her card is already thoroughly marked and at least I'm prepared!

Thanks again folks :)

Hmm. Watch out for her.

"Do you like working with Prickly?" translates as "Because she's MIGHTILY pissed me off and I'm itchin' for a bitchin' " 😏

thats yes I completely agree. Watch out op.

She sounds like she may have been one of the "popular girls" where she's used to targeting any perceived points of weakness in order to end up with the upper hand - you don't say to someone "well I'm telling the truth, its your problem if it upsets you" out of any sense of trying to be nice, especially to your work colleagues!

She may well try a few more times once she thinks she been friendly long enough that you may feel too uncomfortable to reprimand her because you are now "friends", but stay firm on that and friendly on everything else, and hopefully she'll accept that you're top dog and stop bucking for position.

I think you have handled it all very well. To be honest though, it sounds as if her card is already marked with HR due to her attitude and it doesn't actually matter how much of the ideal employee she is, if she can't learn how to behave in the workplace then she'll get the boot eventually. Building a career is more than just ticking the boxes to do your job.