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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to staple things to this woman's head??

163 replies

picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 09:16

I just took on a new mentoree at work and she's known for being a "tricky customer"... anyway, thinks I, I shall tame the wild beast and emerge victorious....

Today was our first day working together. It has been exactly 7 minutes since she sat herself down next to me and already I fear I'm way over my head.

This is a transcript of our exact conversation this morning (for context, I am about 7 stone overweight and currently on weightwatchers, which she doesnt know about. She is a healthy weight).

Her: Are you on a diet?

Me: Huh?

Her: Are you on a diet? It's just I have cake and crisps all day, I'm a total addict!

she moves the mountain of cake and crisps to her side of the desk

Me: Oh that's fine don't worry I'll cope!

Her: Do you go to the gym? Do you do any exercise at all?

Me: Well no, but I have dogs so I'm out with them a lot

Her: Oh! Good well that's something then. You should join the gym it's good for you

Me:.... gobsmacked

(here comes the kicker)

Her: I think if i was your size though I'd feel a bit self conscious about gyms.

IWILLENDYOU.

WRAAAATH!!!!

....

I quietly got up and went to the loo.... where I still am.

Bollocks.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 22/03/2016 12:11

haha that's so brilliant! good for you, and it's a valuable lesson for her that she'd do well to learn from.

Original poster
picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 12:13

Definitely sending a follow up email, I have to anyway, we follow up all 1:1 meetings with an email so I might put at the end after all the boring stuff: "further to the feedback given earlier, please keep in mind the importance of working relationships within the team and wider workplace. We have discussed how personal comments are inappropriate in a work environment and how avoiding these in future will help you foster stronger and more fruitful working partnerships"... or some other business gunk I can churn out... any suggestions on how to phrase this??

OP posts:
PommelandCantle · 22/03/2016 12:13

Well done. That spade was called a spade Grin.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 22/03/2016 12:14

Well done op. I would have just cried. Then punched her in a drunken rage at the works Christmas do. Blush

PommelandCantle · 22/03/2016 12:14

that sounds fine.

Penfold007 · 22/03/2016 12:16

Well done for standing up for yourself but expect a call from HR.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 22/03/2016 12:16

or some other business gunk I can churn out... any suggestions on how to phrase this??

Moving forward.....shut your pie hole Grin

MrsGideon · 22/03/2016 12:16

Ok I am seeeeeeriously impressed. I would have lost it and burst into tears

I second what a pp said about running through it with HR, just in case she does log it. It doesn't need to be a formal grievance or anything - just let them know what happened so they can monitor it I guess

EyeoftheStorm · 22/03/2016 12:19

You are very impressive.

Her other mentors all ducked the issue and passed the buck. You did not. I would be patting myself on the back right now in your shoes.

Original poster
picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 12:24

bahahaha lois that was plan B!

I've been overweight my entire life so I've had to put up with a lot of shitty comments as a child and as an adult, I stopped bending over in public about 2 years ago for this reason!

I grew a backbone about a year ago and started standing up for myself, it's a pretty new thing for me but I think I just finally had enough if that makes sense?

Don't think for one second though that I came across to her as wonder woman by the way, it probably came across more like a petulant child shouting "yeah well.. your mummy smells like poop!!" in the playground... haven't quite mastered calm, quiet confrontation yet... must try harder Hmm

I didn't raise my voice at any point but it was pretty obvious I was angry, I try not to get emotional at work but I think I just lost it.

I think it did the trick though, hoping she got the message. I dont know why, but I feel like this was her "testing the water" a bit iyswim? While she was saying it she did seem to know the effect it would have and when I got a bit angry she was really shocked.. hoping she wasnt using it to work out which buttons to press and I've just shown my cards...

Bah!

Am I over thinking this? I think I am...

OP posts:
Sunnybitch · 22/03/2016 12:25

Ahhhhh was hoping to come back and find pic of dragon lady covered in post its....

Something like this Grin

To want to staple things to this woman's head??
OTheHugeManatee · 22/03/2016 12:28

Well DONE.

She was asserting her authority and right to not be biased by you. Most people don't need smacking smdown that firmly but this one clearly needed telling.

Spudlet · 22/03/2016 12:28

She's tested the water and found it rather hot. No doubt she expects people to roll over for her, not give her a deserved kick up the bum!

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 22/03/2016 12:31

People who 'say it like they see it' have got to be prepared for others to respond in kind. I think it was perfectly within the realms of your mentoring relationship to have advised her, strongly, that communication is important and hers needs to be modified to progress in a face-to-face working environment.

I'd still go and see HR though, before she does. If she's biting the head off senior management for borrowing a chair, and other mentors have subtly passed her on, you can't be the first person to have an issue.

PatricianOfAnkhMorpork · 22/03/2016 12:33

Well done OP. I would definitely speak to or email HR so its noted on her file, they will want to know particularly if this is a formal mentoring/internship programme.

I work with a lot of French people and this certainly isn't typical of what I've found at all.

CantChoose · 22/03/2016 12:33

Well done. I think your response was appropriate. I agree with a PP that a brief summary email to HR to let them know that you had to have a discussion is probably sensible.
On another note, I can't stand people who say they just 'say things as they see them', it's not being direct, it's just being rude.

Original poster
picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 12:36

AAAH!!!

I just received an IM!

"I'm really sorry for the things I said this morning, I realize now it was very rude and it upset you"

I replied:

"don't worry about it, it's all forgotten, let's just get on with it now and get you qualified!"

she sent back a smiley face :)

I followed up with a work related query about something trivial...

Either she was testing the water and decided I'm not to be pushed OR she really didn't realise how rude she was being and feels bad?? Cast your bets...

Either way, time for a victory crumpet.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 22/03/2016 12:39

Well done OP. I am fed up of working with people like this - they normally get away with it because we are all too wimpy British to challenge them.

Needmorewine · 22/03/2016 12:39

Ah you sound like a lovely manager OP! You've handled in brilliantly. Can I come and work for you instead I'm very polite and never make personal comments

Pinkheart5915 · 22/03/2016 12:39

She was rude. Like your weight is any of her business.
I think your response was appropriate.

Maybe in her mind what she said wasn't rude, some people just don't have a filter but now you've mentioned it she might have a filter next time

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 22/03/2016 12:40

I think the words 'If you EVER speak to me like this again I'll have your job vacancy filled before you get up out of your chair' might have cut through the Gallic shrugging.

Also she wants a paper trail of amend-making.

But either way, well done. She's there to work, not offer lifestyle coaching.

Original poster
picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 12:45

Email drafted to HR, outlined what I said (basically copy and pasted what I wrote here) and also what she had said and made it clear I'm not lodging a complaint, just informing them that the conversation happened. I know the guy in HR pretty well so I imagine I'll just get a "thanks for letting us know!" email back at some point.. I think the bit (if anything) they'll have a problem with is me suggesting she finds another job... I dont have the authority to sack her so that bit is a bit "i pulled rank i dont have" iyswim.

I know she has 2 formal complaints lodged with HR against her, both for inappropriate conduct and both lodged by her previous manager, I don't want to add to the number of complaints she has because we have a 3 strikes rule and I do genuinely think she could be brilliant at her job and it would be a shame to lose her for something trivial...

Will HR log this as a complaint anyway even if i tell them it's not a formal complaint?

OP posts:
HelloTreacle9 · 22/03/2016 12:52

Do you know what? If you were a man you (probably) wouldn't be apologising for being assertive. You successfully brought things back to a professional level. Well done you. Part of mentoring is modelling appropriate behaviour. Rudeness and personal comments masked as "honesty" have no place at work. Sounds like you're pretty much her last chance with that firm, so huge respect to you for rising to the occasion and effectively setting out the ground rules so quickly where others have failed.

BrucieTheShark · 22/03/2016 12:53

No, if you say you definitely are not lodging a complaint, but want a record of an 'incident' where she had to be put straight, I don't think they can call it a complaint!

She was absolutely testing the water with you - she probably thought she had it made with you and could walk all over you (as you are young/overweight/pleasant/easy target). It is so satisfying to hear you have well and truly disabused her of that notion!

How could she not know her comments are generally inappropriate and unprofessional if she has two complaints pending, presumably about the same thing?

Be on your guard - she will try it again imo.

I wouldn't worry about threatening to sack her - it sounds like the next time she does it and you put in a complaint, she'd be out. So technically you were correct.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 22/03/2016 12:54

Well, you know, if she's been formally warned twice that she needs to modify her behaviour, and it's still not getting through to her, then maybe she isn't that brilliant at her job?

What you're passing on to HR isn't a formal complaint, it's just a record of what's happened. It's really up to them what they do with it, surely?