To want to staple things to this woman's head??

[picklypopcorn]

I just took on a new mentoree at work and she's known for being a "tricky customer"... anyway, thinks I, I shall tame the wild beast and emerge victorious....

Today was our first day working together. It has been exactly 7 minutes since she sat herself down next to me and already I fear I'm way over my head.

This is a transcript of our exact conversation this morning (for context, I am about 7 stone overweight and currently on weightwatchers, which she doesnt know about. She is a healthy weight).

Her: Are you on a diet?

Me: Huh?

Her: Are you on a diet? It's just I have cake and crisps all day, I'm a total addict!

she moves the mountain of cake and crisps to her side of the desk

Me: Oh that's fine don't worry I'll cope!

Her: Do you go to the gym? Do you do any exercise at all?

Me: Well no, but I have dogs so I'm out with them a lot

Her: Oh! Good well that's something then. You should join the gym it's good for you

Me:.... gobsmacked

(here comes the kicker)

Her: I think if i was your size though I'd feel a bit self conscious about gyms.

IWILLENDYOU.

WRAAAATH!!!!

....

I quietly got up and went to the loo.... where I still am.

Bollocks.

I'm glad you're still emailing HR in spite of her IM. I think she's very aware of her behaviour FWIW and I think she also knows that a third strike and she's out. I'm not sure why you're so keen to save her from herself but protect yourself first and foremost. Verbally abusing you is not 'trivial' - she's showing you who she is. She sounds absolutely horrible tbh.

I think she has just never had anyone stand up to her. People find it hard to manage to do this and when they come across someone rude they give them a wide berth or pass them on to another mentor. Its probably shocked her that she was slapped down.

However her 'say it as I see it' hints that she has some idea her words have

some idea the affect her words have

OP I can't tell you how much I loved IWILLENDYOU

you know if this was a story you'd end up bffs, don't you

I agree with treacle.

Would the eating crisps thing all day not be very annoying though? I'd have to tell her that she can eat in her break, but not all day at the desk.

I think you handled her very well so far!

Oh crikey I hadn't seen your post saying she already had two complaints made against her.

I dont think she is that bright if she is still being rude. If she cant learn very quickly she needs that third strike. I have worked in a place where someone kept getting warnings and management always backed off. The workplace would of been so much more pleasant with out this person. I think your mentoree is the kind os person that needs to be got rid of

I think you've done absolutely right letting her have it with both barrels and I would love to see that on YouTube!

But you're equally right to have let HR know, in case she decides to go to them about you. Seeing as rude hasn't worked, let's see how a complaint about you works.

But you got in there first. Excellent.

Picklypopcorn, can't believe you think she is worth saving! I'm glad this may be strike 3 and may be out of a job! Unless you tell us something amazing about her, i hope she's fired and struggles to find further employment. You are a very forgiving person. As a pp said, a man probably wouldn't have felt no ways about this!

Email sent to HR, the HR guy rang me straight away with an informal (he's also on his lunch break) "what's occurring?".. I've explained the situation to him and although he cant tell me what the previous complaints were for he said they were "along similar lines"....

He asked if I wanted to make the complaint formal and I said no, pointed out I'd said some pretty unprofessional things in response to her and he said as far as he's concerned my response to her was proportionate

He (informally) told me to watch my back and if anything else happens, to call him immediately. He joked he fully expects to have an email in the next couple of weeks from someone else on the team complaining about the amount of blood on the carpet...

I asked how her previous issues had been resolved, all he could tell me is that the complaints were lodged before she had a verbal warning from her manager, so I think you guys are right, no ones pulled her up on it in person before. For this reason though her existing complaints dont count as "strikes", but HR are well aware of the issues anyway which is reassuring.

If she ever does it again I now feel comfortable lodging a formal complaint and believe me she'll be getting a verbal warning first!

'I'm not a mirror dude, that's you!'

In answer to why Im trying to keep her: She's a french speaker and we're in need of language skills, we're in a pretty rural area so language skills are hard to find and even harder to hire on starter salaries. Also, I actually do believe she could be really really good at her job, her work is always on point and she seems to pick up how to do things really well.. I'll wait and see, if she turns out to be totally unworkable then I'll concede defeat!

Good for you. She is clearly a bully and direct works with bullies. If she gets ideas about using HR policies to bully you, keep being tough. Hate people like this and they are too expensive

Good for you, you don't want her to get her feet through the door and then her to start inappropriate comments which amount to bullying. Therefore you have done her a favour. Even if she doesn't see it like that :)

Maybe she will learn by this. Her email was ok, she apologized and she didn't make any excuses. I'd wait and see what happens.

OP, I think you've handled everything very well. There is nothing wrong with showing a bit of emotion with this these things. I think following it up with emails to her and the the HR was a good idea.

I'd be surprised if she's as overtly offensive towards you again. Arseholes like back right down when pulled up for their crap.

Agree with your HR dude that you need to watch your back, she'll be more underhand next time.

I had a similar colleague a few years back. Another colleague ended up having a nervous breakdown over her and had 3 months off work. I used to fantasise about picking her up and throwing her out of the window as we worked in a high rise building.

When she left to go to another company, it happened to be to work with one of my best friends. I forewarned her and they were all ready for her when she started at the new place...and no, she hadn't gotten any better.

By the way, I've been working with an office bully for some time now she is relentlessly a devious lying bitch and whenever she does a power play and gets a bad reaction she sends exactly that kind of 'sorry I upset you I will change' email. Keep a watching brief. I have found the very clear approach with no compromise works better with manipulators than understanding

Mine tricked me into doing something then sent an odd email telling me off for it, then when I challenged her..hard, she blubbed about making a mistake, and can we talk about how we interact, I can see I've upset you etc. I stated clearly 'you tried to trick me. Its bad behaviour and it stops' every time she opened her mouth to get out of it, I said ' its bad behaviour and it stops' it hasn't stopped completely because these people are sociopaths but it's now done in an eggshell way That a look will crumble. Sadly relentless PA bullies and manipulators need to know they can't explain or negotiate their way into it being forgotten.

With HR, they will probably be wary of it being a disciplinary without it beindlg a disciplinary. be calm and say that you dont believe she is making a complaint, but that you are aware that gross misconduct is dismissable offence, and that her behaviour would fit that description if it continued after you had made it clear you found it unacceptable. You find after working with her that messages that are not given in a direct way are often missed by her and you felt that you needed to reinforce that you would formalise and were serious were she to continue.

I will say that you might do well to very consciously switch to adult-adult interactions as some language is of a type that might help a tit for tat continue, but from my experience, you need to be continually wary of warming up any interactions.too much.

So I think you are very much doing the right thing. Its good for her, even if she doesn't know it yet!.

OP I think you've handled it well. I've worked/lived with people of lots of nationalities and most are very much more direct than the British and said that they found it incredibly frustrating that we don't really say what we mean.

I would encourage you not to dwell on it though because generally with 'direct' people once it's dealt with it's done rather than stewing on what was and wasn't said.

However, there is also the possibility that she's a nasty bully and it was deliberate rather than 'cultural' so definitely watch your back.

Ahahaha! Oh god OP. You've got
to keep us updated with more pearls of her wisdom. She sounds like an absolute hoot!!

Well done. Really. I reread the bit where you told her what's what a couple of times & felt weirdly proud of you.

I swear this is not a French thing.

Despite anecdotal evidence (which could easily have been about British people).

Please remember this is a country that will "vous" you to death for at least a year before "tu" gets a look in b

The French know privacy. They do not comment on personal lives in a professional or social environment on first meeting, as a rule.

She would be considered a nightmare in France, is my point. The only difference is a French person wouldn't have quibbled with angst before responding.

You did well, OP.

for a job well done