To want to staple things to this woman's head??

[picklypopcorn]

I just took on a new mentoree at work and she's known for being a "tricky customer"... anyway, thinks I, I shall tame the wild beast and emerge victorious....

Today was our first day working together. It has been exactly 7 minutes since she sat herself down next to me and already I fear I'm way over my head.

This is a transcript of our exact conversation this morning (for context, I am about 7 stone overweight and currently on weightwatchers, which she doesnt know about. She is a healthy weight).

Her: Are you on a diet?

Me: Huh?

Her: Are you on a diet? It's just I have cake and crisps all day, I'm a total addict!

she moves the mountain of cake and crisps to her side of the desk

Me: Oh that's fine don't worry I'll cope!

Her: Do you go to the gym? Do you do any exercise at all?

Me: Well no, but I have dogs so I'm out with them a lot

Her: Oh! Good well that's something then. You should join the gym it's good for you

Me:.... gobsmacked

(here comes the kicker)

Her: I think if i was your size though I'd feel a bit self conscious about gyms.

IWILLENDYOU.

WRAAAATH!!!!

....

I quietly got up and went to the loo.... where I still am.

Bollocks.

Staple away!!!

I'd tell her straight. It's not appropriate to comment on someone's appearance/ethnicity/sexuality etc. Tell her that SHE can be your Sexual Advisor....when you want her "fucking opinion", you'll ask for it

Oh dear, I fear the French thing might be relevant.

That's exactly the sort of thing my French MIL and sisters-in-law would say to me In fact they do say exactly that. I can't put very much into my mouth without them commenting and suggesting I try le Dukan and go for a bloody run.

No reason not to pull her up on it, though. They understand straight talking back. Let her know you would rather she keeps her comments and diet advice to herself.

It's none of her bloody business, after all!

Well it may be a cultural thing in France but as she is now working in the UK you would be perfectly correct to point out to her that it is culturally unacceptable to make comments like that in the UK.

This is typical work politics. Happens at mine all the time. Hate dealing with people that think its ok to be personal.
IMHO, you gotta deal with comments like that straight away. I.e, 'that was rude. I really don't like what you just said'. Otherwise, you've missed your opportunity and you're left feeling sooooo pissed off.

Wow. Is she genuinely tactless or does she think she's funny?

Yeah I think that's the case laydee, I've missed the boat on this one! I was just so shocked that it was the very first thing she's ever said to me!

Re: the cultural thing, i think in our induction (at 11:00) I may bring it up and just prompt that it's not acceptable to make personal comments like that and that someone "more sensitive than me" might have taken it badly...

Part of me is wondering though, do you think she's trying to undermine me ahead of her supervision? She's ended up with me because a couple of my colleagues have really struggled to work with her stating "personality clashes" as the reason... If she's had problems with managers before maybe she's pretty defensive right from the start and expects me to clash with her too? I don't want to put her back up and make her uncooperative at such an early stage.. I'm only 25 so dont have a lot of experience managing people... any tips on how to handle it?

My nan does the whole disingenuous 'I'm foreign, I don't get why it's rude' thing. She's only lived in the UK for 60 odd years or so!

I wouldn't bring it up now, but if she says anything again, I would. Don't apologise, just tell her it's really rude to comment on other people's weight.

This is generalising but many other cultures do tend to be more blunt about these things, I only realised how polite we are in the UK once I'd lived elsewhere! And appreciated it so much more. In the Middle East they greet you by telling you how fat you've got YANBU though, she's here now and those comments are offensive.

A French woman working with my husband recently told him on a night out " It doesn't matter that you are not so attractive because you are really clever". Haaaaaa!!!! It was entirely unsolicited and out of the blue and said in a large group conversation - of course now I say it to him all time!!

I reckon as her mentor it is your duty to staple something to her head...or maybe just tell her to hold her tongue.

Keep good eye contact, be direct and succinct and leave lots of pauses. Don't give in the temptation to talk to much, fill silences yourself and start wittering.

People cannot cope with that at all. Well, usually.

too much

If she has a reputation for being tricky then I wouldn't read too much into her comments about weight etc as it sounds like she is a bit of a nightmare generally. I doubt the "clash of personalities' with two other people was based on her comments about their fitness/weight/diets. I think she needs telling straight otherwise she will just be allowed to get away with it or else just be bounced from job to job with no real understanding of why. I have a Portuguese acquaintance who is well known for her bluntness - people either put up with it or keep her at arms length. I can't be doing with it. It makes me cross as, for one of her, I bet there are hundreds of French people who wouldn't dream of being so rude.

Pull her up on it and, if that doesn't work then do as others have done and get her moved. HR will get fed up with her eventually and fire her rude ass!!

The cultural differences card is a red-herring IMO.

Speak up now OP otherwise it really will become difficult.

Just tell it straight - "Please don't make comments about my lifestyle and weight".

You're not telling her she's being rude, you are standing up for yourself.

I'd look her right in the eye...preferably while she was seated and I was standing and say

"I was under the impression that you were here to learn from me, making personal comments is rude and not required. Now if you'd like to move on and get on with the day.............................................."

the ................. are your space to put in a very long pause and a quizzical look, daring her to say anything other than to agree or apologise to fill that space.

TAKE CHARGE! ...and maybe point out that her reputation has preceded her and you are not up for any of her fucking nonsense

Brucie brilliant advice, thank you! I am a definite and unapologetic witterer... I've led a very sheltered life in the English Countryside.. I think it's made me far too British...

Seriously though , just let it wash over you. Whatever her reasons her words and attitudes will only affect you if you let them. It sounds like you have an understanding already of her motivations and the fact that others struggle to work with her validates that her attitude is her problem not yours. Stay professional. Do mention that it is inappropriate to make personal comments at work and perhaps have a word with HR to see if they have any policies they could e-mail to you to back this up. I'm assuming at her induction she will have been given copies of important policies and asked to sign off that she has read and understood them. This will make it easier for you to call her on it. I understand you not wanting to get her back up, bur 1) she has not afforded you the same consideration and b) you need to make clear right now at the start of this working relationship that in order for her to get the most out of the situation she has to be professional at all times.

OP, no jury would convict you. Staple away.

On a more serious note
do you think she's trying to undermine me ahead of her supervision
You sound like a brilliant supervisor because you're really trying to work out how to make this difficult relationship work. Well done you.
Is she possibly of those people who says things out of nervousness and then realises they were crashingly awful? And perhaps mistakenly thinks that candour is a winning approach? What does your gut tell you? Manipulative, devious, malicious? Or completely off the scale inept at social intercourse?

I would politely point out that "it is considered rude over here to comment on X y z." Likely this bluntness is the "personality clash" politely pointing it out now could avoid her just carrying on pissing everyone off.

steptoe I really want her to do well, she's ever so bright and picks things up really fast. I have to remind myself that she's learning an entire industry in her second language which must be so difficult.

I think a chat is in order, I want to say this:

"Just a quick point about working relationships and how we can best work together: I like to keep my work and home life separate so it's always best to avoid any personal comments or questions at work. I think that's a good habit to get into generally so for example, your comments about the gym earlier would be inappropriate moving forward"... then I've given her fair warning and if she says anything like this again I can get stapling knowing for sure she's just being rude...

Argh my stepmother is like this too (French). When I was younger (married my Dad when I was 15) I just took it all and kept quiet. Not anymore, although it still completely shocks me when she says inappropriate things, I am far more likely to say something.

Make sure your stapler is fully loaded before your meeting.

I have some experience of this. Your colleague does not sound like a typical French person, if she snacks all day on unhealthy food. Very un-French! My French colleagues wouldn't dream of eating anything - or drinking anything but water - between 10 and 12, for example. They just don't eat between meals. They can be very judgey about weight and don't think twice about discussing what they think their colleagues' sex lives must be like, for example.

Speaking in your second language can make you say outrageous things. Both because you make mistakes and use words which are too forceful in the second language, or just because you are not shocked by what you just said (less impact than if you'd heard yourself saying it in your own language iyswim).

Pull her up on it though. She needs to be told and anyway will probably respond in the same way, ie matter-of-factly and with a gallic shrug.

You're 25, how old is she? How long has she been in the country?

You say I may grab a meeting room with her later and go through some working relationship ground rules... Great! absolutely! Say that you would like to work effectively with her, you know she has fallen out with other colleagues, and in order to get on well with people she should not make rude comments about anyone in the office.

I think your plans are great, and your self-restraint heroic. Sometimes I find it easier to address the "tricky customers" when coaching by asking them very direct questions:

"I found it interesting that you felt it was appropriate to comment on X. Can you explain to me a little about how you considered the professional context before speaking, and how you think your approach might affect how others react to you?"

Good luck - these folk take a LOT of energy so they had better be worth it

Sorry x-posted, you seem to have the situation well in hand! What you're planning on saying sounds great.

Seriously though, tell people if they do culturally inappropriate things, they may genuinely not know. When I worked abroad, my boss told me "Stop with the smiling at people you don't know yet, they'll think you're an idiot" - I had no idea. I was being friendly, they thought I was an idiot

I'm taking a punt really, but yeah I think she could be worth the effort if I can get her communicating properly!

I'm 25, she's probably about the same age, certainly no more than about 5 years older. She doesn't know my age anyway so I don't think it's a respect issue. I have more experience in the industry so I don't think age will play a part, although it's an interesting point!

Someone stole her chair to sit with his team for a briefing about 10 minutes ago while she was in a meeting room, she came back to the desk, face like thunder and began "where is my chair, WHERE IS MY CHAIR??" .. the guy who had it is a senior manager.. he gave it her back and apologized, made a bit of a joke out of it but she stayed dead pan and said "please don't touch my things again!"

...

GULP.

I'm going to get eaten alive. About to have an induction meeting with her... wish me luck and if I don't come back on the thread by 12:30 assume I've been eaten alive by dragon lady