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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to staple things to this woman's head??

163 replies

picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 09:16

I just took on a new mentoree at work and she's known for being a "tricky customer"... anyway, thinks I, I shall tame the wild beast and emerge victorious....

Today was our first day working together. It has been exactly 7 minutes since she sat herself down next to me and already I fear I'm way over my head.

This is a transcript of our exact conversation this morning (for context, I am about 7 stone overweight and currently on weightwatchers, which she doesnt know about. She is a healthy weight).

Her: Are you on a diet?

Me: Huh?

Her: Are you on a diet? It's just I have cake and crisps all day, I'm a total addict!

she moves the mountain of cake and crisps to her side of the desk

Me: Oh that's fine don't worry I'll cope!

Her: Do you go to the gym? Do you do any exercise at all?

Me: Well no, but I have dogs so I'm out with them a lot

Her: Oh! Good well that's something then. You should join the gym it's good for you

Me:.... gobsmacked

(here comes the kicker)

Her: I think if i was your size though I'd feel a bit self conscious about gyms.

IWILLENDYOU.

WRAAAATH!!!!

....

I quietly got up and went to the loo.... where I still am.

Bollocks.

OP posts:
PommelandCantle · 22/03/2016 11:00

Well done for not stapling her :-)
My DH is French and I am afraid he is very direct. 17 years in UK and he still moans about how annoying English people are with how they pussyfoot around everyone. If a spade is a spade, call it a spade, not a gardening implement, leaving no room for questioning whether said implement is a spade or not Grin
However, he does reserve his blunt personal comments for me usually.

PommelandCantle · 22/03/2016 11:02

Good luck.

You could tell her, she needs to learn to be conciliating or bog off back to France and be rude there Grin

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 11:09

Do it, we will be your character witnesses in court.

Cheely bitch. Go on staple a post it note to her forehead.

Or mess with her head and tell her you think you have body dysmorphia, cos you know you're a size 6 but then people like her seem to think you're overweight

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 11:12

Cheeky not cheely

FattyNinjaOwl · 22/03/2016 11:14

She needs a smack in the face. With a chair. Cheeky bitch.

GoofyIsACow · 22/03/2016 11:17

Oh my god, She sounds dreadful!

Good luck OP, sounds like a challenge

Birdsgottafly · 22/03/2016 11:27

I think if you are mentoring someone, then how they communicate and come across should be included in any feedback.

She needs telling that her behaviour is unacceptable.

almostthirty · 22/03/2016 11:31

Staple a post it note to her head which says ' I must not be rude' tweak on HP to help her remember.

Wine for after your meeting.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 22/03/2016 11:34

"Yes i'm fat, and you are ugly. I, however, can go on a diet".

GlindatheFairy · 22/03/2016 11:39

I don't think her comments are very professional in any country, OP. I am normally mild mannered but I would tell her directly to get to fuck. Politely and professionally. You could couch it in a "Let me give you some friendly advice..." manner.

toastyarmadillo · 22/03/2016 11:49

Desperately hoping for pics of rudebiatch (rb) covered in staples......

leelu66 · 22/03/2016 11:57

We had a drinks evening and some French colleagues visiting from the Paris office came too to meet us. I got a little bloaty after a cola and one of them asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no, she didn't apologise or anything but turned to her colleague to laugh and talk about her mistake in French (not realising I speak fluent French). Didn't endear me to her.

leelu66 · 22/03/2016 11:57

Or should that be endear her to me.

PoohBearsHole · 22/03/2016 12:00

I don't anticipate her lasting long if she is getting everyone's back up and she's only on induction. I would point this out to her before hr get invovled!

Original poster
picklypopcorn · 22/03/2016 12:02

Well that was enlightening!! Hmm

So we had our induction meeting and we had a very productive meeting until the end, when I said how communicating effectively would really help her and how not making personal comments or asking personal questions was good practice etc etc... I was direct but polite and kept up my professionalism....

I shit you not, the woman said:

"I think you're rude for saying I am too personal, it's just my personality I can't help it. I say what I see"

...

.........

Shock

So i just sort of said "In a professional environment it's inappropriate to make comments like the gym comment you made to me this morning. Someone more sensitive than me may have taken it really badly".

To which she replied:

"You are just over sensitive about your weight. If it bothers you you should do something about it"

...

There are no words. Angry

So i went all out. Essentially said the following:

"If you can't behave professionally and control your mouth in a work environment can I suggest you find alternative employment somewhere. Clearly, this environment where your relationships with other people are paramount is unsuitable for you, since you "cant help" making insulting comments you know are upsetting. Perhaps you should work somewhere you don't need to interact with other people regularly"... this sounds like I said it really clearly, I didn't. I stammered and huffed my way through it but that was the jist of what I said.

She didn't reply for a full 6 seconds which got awkward so I filled the silence (i know i know i know)

I said: "I suggest you learn very quickly how to control yourself and exercise your verbal filter. If you EVER speak to me like this again I'll have your job vacancy filled before you get up out of your chair. Consider this fair warning, I'm happy to now move forward and forget we ever needed to have this conversation. ok?" - This bit I said more clearly, I'd got my nerve by now and she was on the back foot.

Her eyes welled up a bit and she was quite obviously taken aback, I feel crappy about it but I just lost my rag Sad Genuinely don't think anyone has ever taken her to task over anything before, I think I went a bit too hard :(

She said she's happy to move passed this and will try and avoid saying anything personal in the future....Hmm

Since returning to our desks, she's asked me a couple of work related questions and seems ok, she's chatting with everyone else on the team and I'm just pretending nothing at all happened Blush

HR email in my inbox tomorrow morning then?

I'll pack my desk up.

OP posts:
Fifi10 · 22/03/2016 12:05

Good for you OP! I'm impressed.

If it were me I'd get in there first with HR/ a fellow senior colleague and run them through the situation if possible so you know that what you said and did was completely fine given that she is clearly demented.

Orwellschild · 22/03/2016 12:06

Sounds like you were put into a position by this person where you had a direct need to assert your authority / pull rank. It's not a nice way of managing - at all- however at times it gets the job done and sets your expectations! And if she says anything inappropriate again, then the head tilt come into play...with the words " I'm disappointed we are having this conversation again. I made myself perfectly clear and here are the consequences......"
Well done op!

GeorgeTheThird · 22/03/2016 12:06

Well done. Presumably she was given to you because people thought you could handle her (either that or you were shat on big time). You handled her. Don't back down or bottle out now. This will stand you in good stead. Keep going.

NoOneIsInterested · 22/03/2016 12:06

NeatandTidy s suggested approach is good. I thought yours was a little long winded ( and please don't use the phrase 'going forward' ever again Wink )

Personally I would keep it very short and direct. I'd mention that it's the type of thing that would be considered by your company to be inappropriate. You could do it by email if you wanted but face to face is probably better.

Dear Rude Girl

I want to let you know that the comments you made about my weight this morning were rude and inappropriate. In future please keep any thoughts you may have about collegues physical appearance to yourself

If you are unclear about what is and is not acceptable behavior in the workplace then I suggest you speak to the HR department.

Yours Mentor

GeorgeTheThird · 22/03/2016 12:07

You didn't go too hard. What you said was fine. Don't apologise. More women need to do this stuff.

NoOneIsInterested · 22/03/2016 12:08

Sorry xpost.

I'd perhaps follow up your chat with a polite but clear email to her.

BeetrootBetty · 22/03/2016 12:09

Oh my God! I wish I had been you when I was 25! Eleven years on and I still don't think I could have handled that as well as you.

It sounds like you came across in a very good way, whether you felt it or not.

And also have really helped and her career. You are right to give her that advice and she is the one being over-sensitive if she can not handle criticism of her 'personality'.

I very much hope, and expect, that you will both benefit from that conversation. (You because she won't pull this shit on you again)

Massive congratulations and respect!!

MrsSteptoe · 22/03/2016 12:09

We need a football rattle emoticon. Well done, OP.

reservedlaydee · 22/03/2016 12:10

You go girl!!!
I sounded great to read! Not sure if you should've actually said all of that but it was nice to read that she welled up! (Evil, i know), but peole like that need a taste of their own medicine sometimes.
I reckon you've put her in her place now and that should be the end of it! She will probably start bum-licking you now! You watch!

Spudlet · 22/03/2016 12:10

Good for you! Sounds like it's the first time anyone has stood up to her. I'd imagine it came as a shock.