To expect my au pair to open the door?

[alice298]

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

I find it bizarre how this has morphed from a door opening issue to exploitation of workers.

Like some people on here are saying , if the AP wants this strict demarcation, how come she is happy to avail of the family's hospitality in her off-duty hours when it suits her?

Gwenhwyfar, you say you wouldn't type things up for your employer in the evenings. Well there are two responses to that. Firstly in some jobs one is required to step in out of hours (mine is like that) regardless of the circumstance. It is normal. It is called being flexible. And the second response is that I bet your boss didn't take you out for a birthday breakfast and shower you with goodies, which is what tends to happen in AP relationships.

Central to this, however, as I keep saying, is not the rights and wrongs of APs. It is the fact the OP has been made to feel upset in her own home and can barely look this individual in the face. Time to grow a pair and get someone more like-minded in, OP.

FWIW I have had a fair few APS who would have been really cross with me for struggling and not asking for help, and watching how they have turned out, they tend to be the ones with good relationships and high flying jobs in later life as fully-fledged adults. Vair interesting.

But the au pair didn't expect or ask to be showered with goodies or given birthday treats, that's up to her family. She didn't set the tone there. It sounds like she's super with the children, and really organized, and would just prefer to be off duty when she's off duty. Perhaps if you asked her, she'd actually prefer to be off duty rather than get 'treated like a family member' and be available to answer the door all day and not have the pressies!

If she was a bad au pair in other ways, this would be different. I would think it hard to find someone good though, I have several friends with au pairs and honestly this is not a huge impediment compared with ones who are unfriendly, ones who have no initiative and do no cleaning etc.

You can work around the doorbell issue- I only answer the door if I know a parcel is coming or someone texts me to say they are coming, I never answer the door to randoms, I just ignore it.

Oh yes I forgot there were mners who simply don't open the door unless they're expecting something. Fair enough. I can't get my head round that though. Maybe I'm just too nosey, surely chances are if the doorbell rings and it's something unexpected it will be something nice or good?

Stealth, I am always hopeful it might be Interflora!

If she is in her room, I would not expect her to answer the door. She would reasonably assume that you would answer it. You are asking her to come out her room everytime the doorbell goes to check if you have answered it or not. Which could get very annoying for her. I would expect her to answerr it if she was downstairs.

"Gwenhwyfar, you say you wouldn't type things up for your employer in the evenings. Well there are two responses to that. Firstly in some jobs one is required to step in out of hours (mine is like that) regardless of the circumstance. It is normal. It is called being flexible."

It should only happen in high-flying jobs imo. Being a well-pad manager or something is very different to being an au pair.

"It is called being flexible"

That's a word employers use to exploit their staff in my opinion. I only give flexibility to employers when I get it back myself.

" I bet your boss didn't take you out for a birthday breakfast and shower you with goodies"

Over the years I have been taken to lunch by bosses, yes, not very often and not for my birthday. I've also received presents on occasion, for example a box of chocolates in return for organising a conference. It still doesn't mean I have to do unpaid overtime.

The TUC run a campaign called 'Work your proper hours'. I don't see why domestic staff would be exempt from this. In fact, I think someone who lives in is more in need of being able to protect their free time.

she'd actually prefer to be off duty rather than get 'treated like a family member'

Then she wouldn't really be an au pair. The whole point of being an au pair is that you do want to live as part of a family. It isn't an arrangement that would suit everyone. Many teenagers and young adults wouldn't want to live as part of a family with young children and many families wouldn't be comfortable including an au pair in their lives.

It can be difficult finding a good match and expectations are often at cross purposes. However it isn't an employee/employer relationship.

The TUC run a campaign called 'Work your proper hours'. I don't see why domestic staff would be exempt from this

She is an au pair, not domestic staff. People often confuse the two, but they are not the same.

People may like to think it isn't an employer/employee relationship but as this thread shows perfectly, if you're not up to scratch, you're fired. Therefore it is an employer/ employee relationship.

"She is an au pair, not domestic staff."

She is working (staff) in the OP's home (domestic). Even if being an au pair is different from being a nanny, everyone deserves time off, which is my point.

And she shouldn't have to explain to the OP that she is about to be unavailable for 30 mins whilst she is on the phone to her boyfriend. Or whatever.

This. Although she clumsily worded it, and could have said she'd get it if she wasn't busy.
I'd be a bit resentful of the fact she said she would never do it and probably cut back on the favours I do for her, but if she's good in other ways perhaps, better the devil you know?

if you accept a role as au pair in a household with a profoundly deaf parent, then I would expect the au pair to make reasonable accomodations

Sigh, MN magical thinking about disability legislation knows no bounds

You have this completely the wrong way round. The AP is effectively (though not literally) the employee in this situation. It is not up to employees to make reasonable adjustments for their employers. It is employers who have to make reasonable adjustments for employees who have a disability.

The AP is entitled to standard AP terms and conditions unless something else has been agreed by both parties and - even then - the OP needs to be careful as asking an AP to do additional duties can end up making her an true employee, in which case she is entitled to minimum wage, employer pension contributions etc.

YABU. What do you think parents who can't afford an au-pair or nanny do when there's a knock at the door? If they can answer it with baby, why can't you?

I think this thread highlights how grey an area au pairing has become - I don't know many people who understand what it is supposed to be - on both the host family and au pair side.

People who don't open the door unless they are expecting something! Ah yes, the thorn in the florist delivery drivers side, you stand there ringing and knocking, then try a neighbour, if the neighbour is willing, you leave flowers with them and drop a card through the recipients door, return to van only to find recipient has now appeared having realised they want what you were trying to give and expect you to turn off engine and retreave gift from neighbour for them or if no neighbour available and you have returned the flowers to shop they get all shirty that you won't be able to drive all the way out to their outlying address again until tomorrow or better still expect you to drive back out and go to their neighbour for them! The same people who moan about the outrageous £5 delivery charge no doubt. If you want to have the freedom to ignore someone at your door then at least install a camera!

No, she is there as a member of the family - au pair - equal to. She is paid pocket money for babysitting and should be treated as one of the family.

Clearly being an au pair is going to suit some people more than others. It is open to exploitation and expectations need to be clear.

However an au pair is not 'staff', anymore than your niece is staff if you are all on a family holiday and she babysits for an evening. (And there are siblings and cousins and nephews and nieces who would resent doing any baby sitting and would hate going on a family holiday and would hate au pairing).

Of course you can end the arrangement, just as you can end any relationship or agreement.

what do you think parents who can't afford an au-pair or nanny do when there's a knock at the door? If they can answer it with baby, why can't you?

If there is somebody else in the house, ask them to open it?

"Of course you can end the arrangement, just as you can end any relationship or agreement."

The majority here are talking about 'sacking'. You can't sack a family member, you can only sack an employee.

OP, I think 28 is relatively long in the tooth to be an au pair (unless maybe she has taken a career break) and she isn't your employee. Is she taking English lessons?

Perhaps part of the problem is that your au pair doesn't understand what an au pair is, and would be better off working as a nanny.

YANBU! I'd be reminder her who the boss is.

People can use whatever word they want on this thread to describe ening the agreement. An au pair still isn't an employee. (Assuming that the conditions required to be an au pair are met. It is a grey area and people do often use the word au pair to mean cheap unqualified nanny)

It's a difficult situation. On the face of it, the au pair is being extremely unhelpful. However, I can understand why she might feel that she should be able to stay in her room when she if off duty.

YANBU! I'd be reminder her who the boss is.

Another enlightened view...

Let's face it, being an au-pair is shit - it can sometimes descend into being servitude by another name. I really depends on the AP and their background in relation to the employer. The more the AP needs the position, the more the employer/host can influence the duties undertaken.

From wikipedia:
"The concept of the au pair originated in Europe after World War II. Before the war, an abundant supply of domestic servants had been available to look after the children of middle and upper-class families, but changes in social attitudes, and increases in wages and taxes after the war, made the old system inaccessible to most middle class parents. At the same time, social change increased the number of middle class girls who needed to earn their own living, and rising educational aspirations for girls made experiencing foreign cultures and learning foreign languages more common aspirations.

However, due to the stigma attached to being a "servant", an essentially working class status which even working-class people were repudiating, this potential supply for domestic labour could only be utilised if a new non-servant role was created. Thus the au pair was born. The au pair was supposed to be treated as a member of the family rather than a servant, and was not required to wear a uniform.

An au pair receives an allowance, and a private room. The usual practice is that au pairs eat with the family most of the time, and join in some of the usual family activities such as outings and trips. However, host families normally expect to have some private time to themselves, particularly in the evenings. During this time, an au pair might retire to his or her room to watch television, study, or go out with friends. Provision is often made for the au pair to have time for studying, especially of the language of the host country. The Council of Europe recommends that au pairs be issued standard contracts with their family."

When I was one the expected hours/responsibilities fluctuated almost daily. The employer doesn't realise that just because they are at home, doesn't mean the AP is - the AP is always at work.

So cut them some slack.