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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 10:03

Also, a true AP should only be in the position a maximum of a year IMO. Because after that, it is not an 'exchange/cultural experience' it's just work.

If you want a nanny then you should pay for one.

merrymouse · 22/03/2016 10:06

I was an au pair and it was great - lived in an amazing place, learnt a foreign language, children were lovely, studied abroad, also had time to gain work experience in the field I wanted to work in professionally (not childcare).

However, I agree that it can be hit and miss. I met plenty of families and au pairs where there was a complete mismatch in expectations.

merrymouse · 22/03/2016 10:12

Never mind au pairs. Lodgers and flat mates often have mismatched expectations.

Dovinia · 22/03/2016 10:15

I was also an au pair, twice, and loved it. Worked 25 hours and answered the door, took the bins out and helped with dinner like a normal adult person has to do in their off time.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 10:17

"YANBU! I'd be reminder her who the boss is."

Yes, I do think there is a touch of this attitude in the OP being so upset. And that's exactly why it's unreasonable - because when you're the boss, your employees owe you nothing but their paid hours.

Here's a thought experiment, OP: imagine that the au pair was expecting a delivery, and you were home with the baby, and she was home too. How would you feel about a conversation like this:

AP: I'm expecting a delivery. Would you mind getting the door for me if it goes?
You: Um. Well. Actually. I'm often a bit tied up with the baby and you know my hearing isn't good. (I bet you're actually thinking: hang on why can't you get it?) I'm not sure I can say I will do that.
AP: Oh right well if you can't can you let me know then, please? When you can't? So I will know?

I think you would be pretty appalled by that attitude from the AP.
Which goes to show that your attitude here is "she works for me".
Which can be countered by "but not in her time off".

So - YABU

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/03/2016 10:34

No YANBU.

Original poster
alice298 · 22/03/2016 10:41

Woooow, who knew what this would turn into! I very much appreciate all the thoughts and it has really helped clarify my thought process. I never intended to ask her to leave, just to make that clear. My upset comes from her expectation to be treated as one of the family (she actually has made it clear that treats and birthday breakfasts and so on are appreciated and expected ie she's being treated like her parents would treat her), but she is not willing to return the feeling. That's all. I did not say I expected her to open the door, I said "if you happen to hear it id be grateful if you would open it".
As for the au p definition, yes it's tricky. She is my 5th au pair and I am on very good terms with 3 of the past ones, they visit regularly etc.
She hasn't been an au pair before and has no friends who have done it so doesn't have experience of how to handle the transition. I do think the blunt vs British waffling thing plays a part too.
Anyhow, I will sit with her and explain I was rather hurt by her harsh response and ... Not sure really, but I just need to get past it.
I have decided no more au pairs after she leaves. I want to be naked in my house again!!
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 22/03/2016 11:16

OP, why don't you arrange a delivery for a certain time and schedule her hours so that she is on duty when the parcel arrives? If she is on duty, then you can ask her to sit downstairs and listen out for the door - perfectly reasonable. Off duty, she is entitled to have music blasting out of her headphones and sit in her pyjamas with a facemask on and not have to be on alert for whether you need her to do something. She's an au pair, not a 24/7 maid.

maydancer · 22/03/2016 11:23

I think it is good that she is so good with the children and in other ways.I actually think it is good that she can set boundaries.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 12:24

I think the "I didn't ask her to put herself out to listen for it" bit is disingenuous. You kind of are, if you say anything at all, but not owning it by being vague and PA about it. If you say anything at all, you are leaving the person open to "but I told you it was coming!" if the delivery is missed. If you say nothing, you can safely assume that they'll answer the door if they're downstairs in their clothes. The only reason for saying something is that you want them to be downstairs in their clothes, when they may not have been planning to be. So you are asking them to do something.

Interested in whether anyone has any thoughts on my "what if she asked you?" scenario

tharsheblows · 22/03/2016 12:33

I would think if she expects to be treated like part of the family, she has to accept the responsibilities of being part of the family and this includes opening the door if she hears someone knocking. But if she would rather not do those sorts of things, then you should reframe your relationship to her as more employer to employee and not feel the need to treat her like her parents do.

I think that's what I'd do, although have never been in that situation! But I wouldn't be able to accept someone living in my house who demanded to be treated like family but didn't show me the same consideration.

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/03/2016 12:36

Some people are way over invested in this thread.....

Teresa64863 · 22/03/2016 12:40

Put it this way, what happens if her time is up but you are stuck in traffic and cannot relieve her and your kid is sick but she is not in the mood to ensure he/she does not drown on his/her own vomit while they wait for you to get back!?

shinynewusername · 22/03/2016 12:42

I have decided no more au pairs after she leaves. I want to be naked in my house again

Start getting naked now. I think you will find that the current AP problem solves itself Wink

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 12:43

howbad I think your reverse example is good because it does show the lack of parity in the relationship. The AP is not being 'treated like the family' if she can't ask the same requests in return.

mix56 · 22/03/2016 12:51

What kind of atmosphere will you have to live in now?

When you sit down & say, "you expect us to treat you like family", but can't be arsed to answer the door once for me,

You realise this means you have just won a ticket to FOTTFSOF.

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 12:53

When being recruited as a AP I was told by the husband that they chose me because his wife "wanted someone that wasn't as good looking as her, but not so ugly that they would look bad when out in company!"

As an AP in Europe, my (Scottish) sister was asked to speak with an English accent in front of the children so that they could learn how to speak 'proper English'... but the previous AP had a strong accent and was from Birmingham... and so did the children...

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 12:55

Teresa that is a silly example on not on par with the situation OP has raised.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 22/03/2016 13:00

Did I read that she's 28? How many 28 year olds get "birthday breakfasts" from their parents anyway?

Pedestriana · 22/03/2016 13:02

You only asked her to answer the door, not do extra chores.

DH and I both work from home from time to time. If I'm home and he's expecting a parcel, I will answer the door. Even if I am working on my own stuff. Even if I am laying in on the sofa doing nothing not often
It's hardly a great inconvenience.

LittleBlackTrilby · 22/03/2016 13:07

What is all this 'duty' and 'off-duty' crap?

If the doorbell of the house you live in rings, you answer the fucking door.

End of story. Confused

whitelightning · 22/03/2016 13:08

You are not being unreasonable, but I would suggest talking to her rather than sacking her. Just tell her that as part of living with you and being part of the family (isn't that the deal with au pairing?!) you expect her to open the door, and this is particularly important as you have hearing issues / baby to deal with...

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 13:11

why don't you arrange a delivery for a certain time and schedule her hours so that she is on duty when the parcel arrives?

Often you can't schedule arrivals like that. Or you can if you're willing and able to pay an extortionate delivery charge.

Off duty, she is entitled to have music blasting out of her headphones and sit in her pyjamas with a facemask on and not have to be on alert for whether you need her to do something. She's an au pair, not a 24/7 maid.

The OP has said til she's blue in the face that she doesn't expect the au pair to be 'on alert' for the bell at all times, just that if she happens to hear it she'd appreciate her answering it.

Karoleann · 22/03/2016 13:12

I don't think you need to sack her either, just make it clear that if she wants to live in your house as part of your family then she needs to answer the door.
There doesn't need to be any negotiation.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 13:16

"Some people are way over invested in this thread…..”

I think I might be considered to be one of those people.

The thing is, I do feel that issues like this shine a spot light on a certain set of unexamined attitudes about people, work, and emotional labour, and I do (tragically) (when on an anonymous forum) really like pulling this stuff out into the light, because I think these are important issues. (I don’t dare in real life as I will be penalised for it)

I actually think I may perhaps have been able to slightly change a couple of minds on this thread (just guessing) and I’m glad about that because I think it’s important. (Usually an snotty accusation of being “over invested” means “you are right and you have argued well and that is making me resentful”; some people don’t feel the need to be defensive and just quietly change their minds -or not)

I feel that the polarised and extreme initial reaction of “ugh! she’s not being nice” lies behind a lot of the stuff that makes it easier for certain kinds of people to have to work harder and be rewarded less than others. And it isn’t applied equally.
I feel that society is increasingly intolerant of certain kinds of people who do not constantly perform emotional labour in the form of a chirpily proactive service culture.

I have been thinking about starting a thread about this sort of thing. I think I will.