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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 15:54

Can I just say that I don't think the OP is the worst AP employer in the world. It's just that the situation is rife for grey areas and (at worst) abuse.

Have you seen the film 'the help'? A lot of the women prided themselves on how enlightened they were to their staff and deluded themselves into thinking about how much their staff liked them.

In terms of emotional labour - I think it's is more laboursome to spend 24/7 with your employer AND have your own life/person demands - as the AP does - than solely being a woman who is a parent. And also who says that the AP should absorb the emotional labour of the OP - that's just passing on the baton to someone else, because you can, and not because it is actually their role.

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/03/2016 15:54

'why is the AP supposed to be shouldering the full time emotional and physical labour of being a senior member of a family?'

MN truly is bonkers at times.

B-o-n-k-e-r-s.

Backstabbath · 22/03/2016 15:55

Littleblacktrilby got it right.

If the doorbell goes in the house you live in... Then answer the fucking thing.
End of argument.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 15:56

I think Boffin, you sound like you think the AP is expecting the OP to open the door to her parcel. I know what you mean about the hideous situation of being that working mother where the buck always stops here. whoever's parcel, whoever's PE kit, whatever bill.... if it doesn't get done then somehow the chickens are coming home to roost.... here. I get that. But I don't see why the AP should stand in and be there in "here" too.

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 15:56

xpost howbad

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 15:58

Littleblacktrilby got it right.

If the doorbell goes in the house you live in... Then answer the fucking thing.
End of argument.

You forgot Or else you will be sacked...

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 16:00

It's not the AP's home, it is her place of work first and foremost.

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 16:01

mitzy I take if you've never been a live-in staff member before?

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/03/2016 16:10

No I haven't. But even if I had I doubt I'd be in agreement that the OP's request of her au pair was 'shouldering her with emotional labour'?

Iggypoppie · 22/03/2016 16:23

mitzy all the little unseen tasks in a household that require planning, anticipation, thoughtfulness and co-ordination are a form of 'wife-work'/emotional labour.

Individually they are small but cumulatively they are not. You don't know how many other tasks the AP does intuitively so why is 'bonkers' to accept that she is allowed to not undertake one of the myriad minor tasks asked of her - e.g. the one on this occasion? Also, I for one find it quite stressful listening out for the doorbell - why should the AP have been put under that strain? Is it not work because it is menial?

MitzyLeFrouf · 22/03/2016 16:27

A strain? You seem to be projecting a fair bit now. Which so often happens on these threads. Most people don't find it 'a strain' to keep an ear out for a doorbell.

BoffinMum · 22/03/2016 16:33

I am taking the blue pill right now

Original poster

alice298 · 22/03/2016 16:36

This is all very interesting.... Genuinely. But I do think the topic has been over invested in. I did not say I would sack her. I thought it was common courtesy to open the front door of your shared accommodation when you are able. I also, just to be clear, would absolutely do it for her both if she asked and if she didn't. If she asked for a specific delivery and I couldn't because I was otherwise engaged I'd say - oh I'm so sorry but I'm not able to. Simple. And I would accept that from her (Unless it was her working hours). It would never occur to me not to do her the courtesy of opening the door for her parcel or friend just because I was reading my book and enjoying the peace. It takes about 90 seconds of my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

alice298 · 22/03/2016 16:37

BoffinMum you are explaining me much better than I am!

OP posts:

Spandexpants007 · 22/03/2016 16:39

I don't know why op can't have her door alarm on so that she knows someone's there? The AP said she would answer the door if passing and I think that's fine. She needs to switch off while off duty and that must be pretty difficult in a full house!

Original poster

alice298 · 22/03/2016 16:42

Iggypoppie she does consider it to be her home very much so. She treats it like her home and tells me it is more like a home to her than anywhere she has been for years. And she is miffed when I refer to her as au pair or the like and frequently corrects me saying 'FRIEND'. So.....

OP posts:

BoGrainger · 22/03/2016 16:43

Her actual responses sound a bit odd. Could there have been a misuse of words? (assuming English isn't her first language). Also maybe she wants to be able to use earphones if the mood grabs her and she doesn't want to have to let you know every time she puts them in/takes them out?

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 16:44

And she is miffed when I refer to her as au pair or the like and frequently corrects me saying 'FRIEND'.

TBH I think you've got bigger issues than the door (or, at least, the door is a symptom of your issues). You're not 'friends' first and foremost.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 16:46

Boffinmum is identifying with and articulating the desperation of a mother in a busy house; but this flailing sense that "someone should have my back! Someone should be supporting me!" while understandable, is unfair if it randomly lands on someone who should be expected to be in that position

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 16:47

"shouldn't be expected to be in that position"

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 16:49

HowBad, I don't think anyone's saying the OP is 'desperate' or 'flailing'.

Posters are just trying to say that it's not outrageous to ask another member of the household to answer the door IF they hear it and IF it's convenient.

Original poster

alice298 · 22/03/2016 16:51

HowBad and OnlyLovers both right!
I think this has been a rather good thread. It's helped me work through things in my head. And to realise I need a little emotional distance as well.....

OP posts:

CrazyKitten · 22/03/2016 16:57

Sounds French to me, ha, ha

Missrubyring · 22/03/2016 17:04

What I find interesting is that AP is wanting and willing to be treated as a member of the family by the OP, but when it comes to acting like a member of the family when it doesn't benefit her she doesn't reciprocate.
I'm also with the camp of if it rings and you happen to be there ... answer the damn door!!!

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 17:13

Exactly, ruby. She wants it all ways.

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