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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/03/2016 20:55

I couldn't live like that, tbh. Either he's your partner or he's not. At the moment, he's treating you like a scrounging lodger.

Why don't you go onto the Entitled To website and see what your financial situation would be like if you lived separately? Then go onto the CSA website and see what he would have to contribute for two children (when you fill it in, put in today's date of birth for your baby.) Then consider whether you want to live with such a selfish person.

noisytoys · 19/03/2016 20:56

You would be a lot better off leaving and going alone. My ExH used to hold all the money, since I left he now pays £££ in child support and I'm not struggling at all anymore.

ivykaty44 · 19/03/2016 20:58

Will he take paternity leave?

fitzbilly · 19/03/2016 20:58

Your DP is bvu.

That is not how families should work. Money should be shared. Unless you are spending all of your money on gambling or luxuries you can't afford he should see his money as joint money.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2016 20:59

He is not a partner, he is not helping you or his child, which is what a partner shoukd, he sounds detached from you, and is happy to see you struggle. Dealbreaker for me I am afraid.

mrschatty · 19/03/2016 20:59

In my opinion household monet should be both partners sharing responsibility for both bills and sharing income but I know that doesn't work for everyone...
what does he expect you to do when your on mat leave presumably on a lower wage?
IMHO I think he's being U

Baconyum · 19/03/2016 21:00

My ex was a lot of things a miser wasn't one of them while we were together, that left me vulnerable when we split but I too would not accept this.

Those children are his too does he contribute equally to his child? That includes allowing for the fact that part of the reason you're earning less is because you had time off to have that child. Not to mention the gender gap generally.

How are you expected to manage while on maternity leave with no 2?

Trills · 19/03/2016 21:00

other couples split bills 50-50

Lots of other couples split things so that they have equal spending money after all bills and child-related expenses are paid.

Maybe he's like to do that instead, since he's so worried about what other couples do.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:00

Why did you decide to have children with him? Confused

PeppasNanna · 19/03/2016 21:02

How did you manage when you were on Maternity Leave with your older dc?

I'm trying to work out why your with your Dp!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/03/2016 21:02

What a knob.

silverdrawers · 19/03/2016 21:03

What a horrible man, you're meant to be in a partnership but he's treating you like a scrounger. Is he normally mean?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 19/03/2016 21:03

He's not sounding pleasant. Did you post semi consciously wanting encouragement to ltb, or were you looking for other advice and examples of how couples manage money?

dementedpixie · 19/03/2016 21:04

Sounds like a selfish bastard. 50-50 only works if you earn the same amount. If you are a partnership then it is family money not yours and his

Allalonenow · 19/03/2016 21:05

He sounds unreasonable and mean to me.
He seems to resent what contributions he makes.
How do you split your household bills ATM msevs?

notenoughbottle · 19/03/2016 21:05

He sounds delightful. So he's happy to watch his pregnant wife struggle? LTB!

annandale · 19/03/2016 21:06

I would feel a bit trapped and desperate by a partner talking to me like that.

Do you have shared financial goals? Did you take much maternity leave last time and how did the finances work?

It's such an unpleasant way to talk to you that I do wonder if there is a backstory - has there been debt in the past?

BlueMoonRising · 19/03/2016 21:07

Sounds like he isn't invested in the relationship, tbh.

I would be concerned that he is doing this because he is looking to a split in the not-too distant future, based on previous personal experience. You need to be making plans of your own. You would be better off financially alone, as you would get benefits to top up your wages.

Good luck op.

abbsismyhero · 19/03/2016 21:08

i think you should begin to protect yourself financially from him find out what your entitled to as people have said

he isn't your husband is he?

Jaimx86 · 19/03/2016 21:09

Hmm. This is a tricky one. I earn way more than DP and do Use this as a means to him doing more at home. I've paid for his new car and holiday this year so expect to hardly lift a finger at home.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:10

Jaim does your earning more actually involve more working? Or are you both full time?

Hrafnkel · 19/03/2016 21:11

Wow jaim. So because you earn more than your dp and have bought them things, you basically expect them to do more. So you have bought them/you expect them to behave like your slave. Nice.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 19/03/2016 21:12

he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job".

His reasoning for not helping you financially is because you don't earn much? What a wanker! He has zero respect for you, get out now. Flowers.

shazzarooney99 · 19/03/2016 21:14

What a horrible mean excuse for a man, why on earth should you struggle? what i would say in future is you have to pay your way, you can pay half the bills, if you dont like it feck off!

pictish · 19/03/2016 21:14

He is bu and very unsupportive. This is not how I know couples to do things. I'm taken aback that he would say that to you.