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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/03/2016 22:33

I'm a huge huge fan of seperate finances. But they only work if it's fair if one part is a higher earner the time cost of the other party also needs to be considered and that's usually done via personal spending money being fairly equal.

If I had someone that worked fewer hours than me and picked up the slack in childcare and housework that would save me a lot of money and be the reason why I was able to earn more money and that contribution needs to be recognised and respected

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/03/2016 22:34

Op - I know our way isn't for everyone, but we have shared everything since moving in together. My DH is generous to a fault,but then so am I.

We set up a joint account and each paid an amount from our earnings into it. When we got married and had children, I became a sahm. He set his salary to come into the joint account, and we shared all finances.

I have recently come into a fairly large inheritance - that is equally his, although he would never go spending it without my blessing. We're a partnership, we share.

I can't believe he'd see you struggle like this. I know you're not alone, but it's shit.

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 22:40

I have told him that he is very money oriented, but he just replies that someone has to be because I'm clearly not. All he seems to talk about is how much money he is making, and it is a fair amount, but it makes matters worse when he then goes on to attack me about how little money I am making and how I'm never going to change that.

I was actually in a worse position when we met, I had left a job due to stress and it took a while to build my confidence to enter the workplace again. We went through a rough patch not long after DC1 was born and he said then that he could have picked a number of women that he worked with that earn as much as he does, that had a job and car etc unlike me when we met, like I was below them somehow and I should be grateful he chose me. It did hurt.

I think he pays the CSA amount in regards to his older children. They stay here eight nights a month, more during holidays and he does give them spending money and pays for a lot of their activities and so on.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 22:43

he said then that he could have picked a number of women that he worked with that earn as much as he does, that had a job and car etc unlike me

Ock kick him the fuck out! Seriously! Hes nasty. Hes a nasty little man. He doesnt even like you let alone love you! Youre his verbal punchbag!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2016 22:45

OP what you have said in your last post would be a dealbreaker for me, don't marry him. I woukd seriously look at a future without him in, lots of red flags.

starry0ne · 19/03/2016 22:46

I have to ask what is it that you are seeing in this guy?

I remember my Ex started working as a stripper ( long and irrelevant story) He said to me " you are lucky to have me" up to that point I had been earning more money than him and putting more in the pot.

It was a sign he really had stopped caring about my feelings...Your posts seem to suggest the same.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 22:48

What a vile thing to say! He really does think a lot of himself doesnt he, assuming that these women would actually give the cunt a second glance. He could have "picked" one of them!? He is a mysoginistic selfish bastard and the best thing you can do is plan your future without him.

As several PP have said, you will probably be a lot better off on your own.

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 22:51

And to add to that, his ex has always been a SAHM and from comments he has made, I don't think he has ever respected that either. He says she just wants to be at home watching daytime tv. From what he has said, they were poor when they were together and argued a lot about money. Maybe he is worried that our situation will end up being like theirs. I don't know.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 22:53

From what he has said, they were poor when they were together and argued a lot about money. Maybe he is worried that our situation will end up being like theirs.

Well you will argue a lot about money. That much i can guarantee you. Because that is what he does! He is already doing it.

lamiashiro · 19/03/2016 22:53

Whoah! Back the fuck up.

He thinks you're 'lucky' to have him? What a prize* he sounds.

*Prize twat.

Peanuts2000 · 19/03/2016 22:56

Oh my goodness! How dare he say that to you. He could have "picked a number of women and you should be grateful" I'm surprised you have any self esteem left with him behaving like that. He does seem obsessed with money and status. When I said I had a car etc, didn't meant to brag, just saying the same as RudeElf, circumstances can change and you have to support each other in a relationship. Please don't let yourself be put down.

TheHobbitMum · 19/03/2016 22:56

Sorry OP he sounds vile! He has very little respect for you and I doubt he'll ever change. I'd be looking at finding my way out of this, no one should have to put up with this behaviour it seems like financial abuse to me. Good luck

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 22:58

It doesnt sound like financial abuse. It is financial abuse :(

Lightbulbon · 19/03/2016 23:00

This is financial and emotional domestic abuse, exposure to which will cause emotional harm to your dcs.

Who are you going to prioritise him or the dcs?

pleaseplease · 19/03/2016 23:03

Tell him he should have picked one of them if it matters that much, but he didnt and its not fair to change the goal posts now.

What is the rest of your relationship like. Is he controlling in other ways? Does he show you respect in other areas?

MeadowHay · 19/03/2016 23:03

OP, I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. Please think about how he is treating you and what kind of role model he will be for your two children. He sounds nasty, abusive even (emotionally and financially). He does not respect you, he does not respect women or "women's work" such as childcare (as evidenced by the comments about his ex partner). And I completely agree with pp that the reason he doesn't want to marry you is because he has no intention of ever sharing his finances with you. He doesn't love you, he loves money and himself. And people who love money and themselves, they don't have any room left to love anybody else.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/03/2016 23:16

I love money,it's nice

Loving money does not automatically make you a abusive arse, being an abusive does that.

He's an abusive arse

clam · 19/03/2016 23:23

So, effectively, he wanted you to have his child(ren), bur did he at any point tell you that, in addition to carrying them and giving birth to them, you'd also have to go without a whole load of things and have to worry about money all the time because he wasn't going to support you financially?

OTheHugeManatee · 19/03/2016 23:27

He sounds horrible.

OTheHugeManatee · 19/03/2016 23:29

And he couldn't have picked any number of women who earn more than you. He chose you because he thought you'd make a good target for his nasty bullying.

He is not a partner. He's an arsehole.

bakingaddict · 19/03/2016 23:34

Introduce him to Jaime they sound like a match made in heaven

bakingaddict · 19/03/2016 23:35

Meant Jaimx

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 23:43

In the past, he was generous and thoughtful. We used to go on holiday often and he would buy me iPods and so on as surprise gifts. He also paid for my car at the time, though I paid him back. This was before we lived together and makes me think he only did it to try and win me over. In the past couple of years he has used the holidays against me as he put a lot of those on credit card, which I was not aware of until recently, but he blames me for that debt despite him being the one bringing up the subject of holidays and giving the impression that he could afford them.

When I became pregnant he said he was glad because we could knock the holidays on the head for a few years until DC1 was older. However he now wants to take his older children abroad for a holiday this summer, fair enough but I don't see how he can afford it this time given he is so preoccupied with our finances.

He has been fairly respectful of me in other areas I suppose, though I am doubting everything now. He does seem to be more interested in himself than in me, he rarely asks me about my day now and just goes straight into talking about his day, his work and the compliments he receives in his job. He takes a lot of pride in his work but it's all he seems to talk about, work and money.

He is a good dad, to be fair. He is hands on with the DC. I just don't think he is very interested in me anymore now he has me where he wants me and he no longer has to try and win me over. Over the past year there have been some issues with him going out for lunch with female co-workers and not mentioning it to me. I have found out through other people. When I have asked about it he has become defensive and said why would he tell me when I just give him grief about it, even though all I did was ask him! He says they are just work colleagues and that's all but I don't like the fact he has kept stuff from me and then shifted the blame onto me.

OP posts:

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/03/2016 23:51

Tell him you are setting him free to go and pick one of them.

Jesus wept my love...get out now while you have a tiny shred if self esteem keft.

Do not say 'he's not that bad, he is, whether you can see it ir not x

EweAreHere · 19/03/2016 23:57

Oh OP!

Your partner sounds like a horrible man. You deserve better. Your children deserve to see their mother treated well by their father. A good man doesn't treat the mother of his children this way. What on earth do you see in him?

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