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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

littleleftie · 19/03/2016 21:36

Sorry OP but your Dp sounds like a prize wankbadger.

Surely you would be better off in every way on your own?

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 21:36

I suggest you stop buying his food and when he gets no dinner, tell him that you couldnt afford it.

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 21:37

Actually scratch that. I suggest you leave him and see how he feels about paying all the bills AND maintenance.

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 21:40

He did say when we moved in together that he expected to pay the majority of the bills. He was made redundant a few years ago and I supported him through that, I think he has always been a bit financially insecure and that definitely made matters worse. He has two teenage children from a previous relationship as well and I know that he and his ex struggled financially when together but he is in a far better position money-wise now than he was back then.

I do think it is partly stress that he is the main breadwinner and there is another baby on the way, but I am also upset that he is not being supportive of me at a time when I really need him to be. I do feel like I am being treated more like a housemate than a partner. It has caught me off-guard a bit because I didn't expect him to be like this.

I am really not sure how we will manage with childcare fees to be honest. I may have to stay at home for a longer period until DC1 is eligible for free nursery sessions while I try for better paid jobs.

OP posts:

SpringHasNearlySprung · 19/03/2016 21:41

jaim get a cleaner then! If a man had posted on here what you did they'd have been ripped to bits. My DH pulls his weight around the house even with him working more than me. I'm not his personal cook/cleaner/maid nor is your DP yours. As I said, you sound extremely controlling and money orientated.

newmumwithquestions · 19/03/2016 21:47

I'm not sure why marriage wouldmake any difference?

OP this isn't normal and you shouldn't be in this position. I'm not currently working so OH supports me whilst I am a SAHM, even when I go back to work we'll still share income. Even before kids we shared income as we took decisions to live close to his work, ruling out certain work options for me. I therefore felt I was entitled to some of the higher income that he had at the time as we effectively prioritised his job. I've earnt more than him, I've earnt less than him but since buying a house together we've combined money.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:49

OP if you intend to stay with him (and it sounds like you do) then you need to get very fucking angry and call a crisis meeting. This isnt sustainable. You are a family and he needs to buck up his ideas pronto. Tell him this all changes now. One family pot all money goes into. Bills are paid, equal money into individual savings and equal to both of you for personal spending. (Personal spending is things like nights out with your mates or a new pair of dancing heels or gold clubs for him or whatever- it is not for your food or nappies or baby groups)

Jaimx86 · 19/03/2016 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:50

golf clubs

MillionToOneChances · 19/03/2016 21:51

The thing is, Jaim, you didn't mention the disparity in working hours until later. At first it was all about earning more and buying him shiny things and not expecting to lift a finger. Indeed, when you talk about him earning more in future and the tables turning, that also suggests it's money rather than working hours that guides your thinking. It might not be what you meant, but it's what you said. When you're working 100 hours more a month above his full time job it seems reasonable for you not to also do housework.

OP, if your partner wants to go 50/50 like 'other people do' then definitely draw to his attention the vast numbers who split the whole income pot 50/50 or the discretionary spending money 50/50. He's a selfish arse.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:51

Jaim what a knobby thing to say!

MillionToOneChances · 19/03/2016 21:53

Hilarious spring Such a walkover. Your partner is definitely boning someone else.

What an utterly twattish comment.

LeaLeander · 19/03/2016 21:53

Was he totally on board with the plan to conceive this child? Four children from two different women - wow.

I would take Imperial Blether's advice and start making your own way and find out what benefits and child support you would be entitled to by living apart. I am NOT in any way shape or form an "all in one pot" person but assuming he agreed that this pregnancy should proceed, what does he think is going to happen when the baby is born? He must realize that your already meagre income will drop. The time for him to object to that was before any children were conceived.

Have you discussed marriage? Will he marry you?

Must you take maternity leave? I guess not doing so would be one way to maintain your independence if you can figure out a way to afford child care. Something tells me it is going to be imperative for you to be able to earn a living solo so you might as well focus on that now instead of on him.

MillionToOneChances · 19/03/2016 21:55

He was made redundant a few years ago and I supported him through that

Did you pay bills 50/50 at that time or did you pay more? Sounds a bit like he's happy to share when it benefits him but not when you're the one earning less.

228agreenend · 19/03/2016 21:58

I think you need to do what RudeElf says and has a serious financial meeting, and soon. When you are living together and in a relationship, it's not his and her money but both-of-your money. Rudelf has some good suggestions.

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 22:06

Yes he was on board with having a second child. He was the one that mentioned we should try for another baby and was keen on trying earlier last year but I thought it was too soon then. His reaction when I told him I was pregnant upset me a bit though, he started on the money thing straightaway. He obviously panicked. This week he has said more than once that I need to get a better paid job.

We have discussed marriage a few times but he feels it costs too much to get married. I told him I would be happy to go to the registry office but he said that wouldn't be fair on me as my friends have all had big fancy affairs. I don't ever see it happenning now though. He hasn't mentioned it in a while.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 22:13

We have discussed marriage a few times but he feels it costs too much to get married

You live with a tight bastard. Which you know. Decisions to be made- accept this is how it is or change something.

BigQueenBee · 19/03/2016 22:19

What ever happened to "what's mine is yours",Isn't that what relationships are about.?

Peanuts2000 · 19/03/2016 22:19

Msevs Im sorry you are in this situation. I know from past experience (parents) that a lot of men use money to control. I presume you were in the same job when you met so he must have known how much you earned then. Does he have to give a lot of money to his own teenage children? When I first met DH I earned more money than him, had a career, own flat, car etc. Since having kids and he has changed career, I've went part time, he now earns nearly double than I do now. We both pay a percentage of our wages into the joint account, obviously he pays in a lot more than I do. I agree with RudeElf, all the bills, stuff for the kids etc come out the joint account. He seems to have an obsession with money.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 22:25

It always amazes me when one (or both) partners dont expect to ever have to support their spouse at some point. I mean you intend to be together for life. You are of child bearing age so youre looking at around another 30-40ish years together at least. Does he really think during that time that things like illness, redundancy etc wont happen to him and require you to support him? Its swings and roundabouts in relationships, there'll be times youre both earning, times one of you cant and the other has to step up, times one of you earns more than the other, times youre both unable to earn. The end goal should be that you (both) as a unit are ok through those times. He is very short sighted indeed to decide on this plan of his money and your money and no support for you when you are earning less. Does he really see you as a unit or as a threat to his finances?

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 22:28

Is he one of those men who think that giving his ex a fair settlement in divorce and paying child support is getting screwed over?

lorelei9 · 19/03/2016 22:30

OP sorry but I reckon he doesn't want to marry because he doesn't want to share his money with you.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 22:30

Agree lorelei

Allalonenow · 19/03/2016 22:31

Not being able to afford a big wedding, is a pretty lame excuse for not getting married, it's just a way of fobbing you off really.

He does sound mean, and the problem with meaness is that though it starts with money, it gradually seeps into all the other parts of your life, sucking out any joy love and happines and replacing them with bitterness and resentment.

You need to sit down with him, and work out a financial plan that is fair to both of you, perhaps percentage contributions for all the expenses for both of you.
If he's not prepared to work with you, then you have got some serious decisions to make about your own future.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 19/03/2016 22:32

Hilarious spring Such a walkover. Your partner is definitely boning someone else.

Of course he is. It's probably one of his patients owners. .

Is that best comment you can muster?

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