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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

SpringHasNearlySprung · 19/03/2016 21:15

I earn less than DH (a third less). If he EVER treated me as a cleaner, maid, chef etc because I earned less he'd be an EX DH. That's not a healthy relationship in my eyes.

ClopySow · 19/03/2016 21:15

Jesus Jaim. I really hope your partner is either PT or stay at home. Otherwise that would make you quite awful really.

BreconBeBuggered · 19/03/2016 21:15

Are you in a relationship here? The way you describe it, it sounds as if he sees you more as a flatmate who isn't pulling her weight.

pictish · 19/03/2016 21:15

Why do you expect that Jaime?

Lucy90 · 19/03/2016 21:16

He is being ridiculous, me and DP certainly don't split 50/50! He earns more than twice as much as I do so he pays all bills then puts money into my bank so we have the same spending money. Everything for DD comes from both of our spending money and now I'm pregnant again any I need we buy jointly

Original poster

msevs · 19/03/2016 21:16

I honestly don't know why he is doing this. He was never mean in the past, but since we moved in together and especially when I was on maternity leave last time, I did feel I was left to struggle. He knew money was tight for me, and for the last three months I wasn't paid at all, yet he rarely asked if I needed any help financially. I was too proud to ask him for money at the time, stupidly.

He does pay most of the bills because he earns more and I pay half of the childcare and all food bills. It doesn't leave much at the end of the month.

He would never take paternity leave. It is something I have asked him before, but he is very focused on his work and has actually committed himself to extra freelance work around the time the baby is due.

OP posts:

ClopySow · 19/03/2016 21:17

Also OP, your partner sounds like a shit.

witsender · 19/03/2016 21:20

Errrr, he could go fuck himself, to be honest.

LogicalThinking · 19/03/2016 21:20

So he is happy to see you struggle while he is comfortable? What kind of person does that make him?
Who is going to pay for things for the baby?

Jaimx86 · 19/03/2016 21:20

Yes I do. I work thorough my lunch every day and put in a LOT of extra overtime. Why should DP come home and do nothing after his work when I'm still ploughing away? I work harder to provide our lifestyle so don't expect to split house work equally. If I had a DP buying me a car and paying for luxury holidays I wouldn't sit Iike a queen expecting him to work and do everything at home.
To DPs credit, he's got the potential to meet/ exceed my earnings at some point, and at that time the tables will turn.

rosieliveson1 · 19/03/2016 21:21

This isn't a partner. He sounds horrible.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:21

has actually committed himself to extra freelance work around the time the baby is due.

Big red flashing sign right there. Do you need a clearer message than that?

paddlenorapaddle · 19/03/2016 21:22

That's abuse you know that don't you

Make a plan get out now he's showing you exactly who he is and it's not an example id want for my children sorry

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:23

If I had a DP buying me a car and paying for luxury holidays I wouldn't sit Iike a queen expecting him to work and do everything at home.

What if they were working through lunch hours and doing overtime but not earning enough to pay for luxuries? Would you still do all the housework or is it just in return for money rather than how hard they work?

pictish · 19/03/2016 21:23

Oh. Well...he doesn't sound much like husband or father material to me.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 19/03/2016 21:25

It's not unreasonable for couples who are not married to share the bills 50/50.

If he pays for everything inc half the childcare and you just have to pay your share of childcare and food then he's already picking up a lot more. He is not selfish or wrong to want to pay more just like of things were reversed you wouldn't be. Nobody should be made to fund the bulk of household expenses unless they are happy too.

How did you discuss childcare fees for two children if you are already struggling?

Jaimx86 · 19/03/2016 21:28

Rudeelf he does not (in any way) put in the hours I do.., so why should he not do more at home. Loads of women are happy for their husband to work whist they stay at home; why can't the roles be reversed?

lamiashiro · 19/03/2016 21:28

50/50 is only acceptable if you earn the same amount of money. If your DP earns more, or you earn more, you adjust the % accordingly so you have a similar amount of disposable income.

DH and I earn similar amounts, but his earnings can fluctuate whereas mine don't. Therefore, we have adjusted payments to joint expenses to take account of the times he's earned less.

I would suggest that you add up all your outgoings, including childcare and food, and split them to a % based on your earnings. If he's not prepared to do this, he's being a dick.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 19/03/2016 21:30

My DH works sometimes 3/4 days 24 hours a day with a few hours sleep. I work full time 7.30 to whenever. No fucking way would I come in from work and be EXPECTED to wash, cook and clean for him so he could sit on his arse as he deemed himself to "work harder" than me. We have nice cars and beautiful house BUT we're a partnership. You sound extremely money orientated and controlling.

Fairylea · 19/03/2016 21:30

Wow. What an arse.

Personally I agree with the whole "everything in one pot and both having the same amount of spending money" set up. It's the way dh and I have always done it regardless of who has been earning more (and we've had it both ways round)!

Your dh doesn't sound very fair at all.

Marilynsbigsister · 19/03/2016 21:32

This is exactly why marriage before children is all important. If he doesn't respect you enough to commit to marriage, guaranteed he doesn't respect you enough to treat you fairly ( economically )There is no such thing as common law... Should be tUght in School from age of 11

Writerwannabe83 · 19/03/2016 21:33

What a horrible, horrible man.

Just leave. Why would you actually wish to share your life with someone who cares so little about you?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 19/03/2016 21:33

Your DP is BU. Very unreasonable.

What sort of man watches his pregnant partner struggle financially? What sort of man even speaks to his pregnant partner like that?

Jaimx86 · 19/03/2016 21:35

Spring How lovely you think I should do the same at home whilst doing 60-70 hour weeks whilst DP does 40 hour weeks with the same holidays. I do over an extra 100 hours of work a MONTH and ask DP to do a bit more of the cleaning. Shit. I'm clearly a bad person.

RudeElf · 19/03/2016 21:35

Rudeelf he does not (in any way) put in the hours I do.., so why should he not do more at home. Loads of women are happy for their husband to work whist they stay at home; why can't the roles be reversed

They can. It was just that your entire post seemed focussed around the faact that you earned so much more than him as justification for why you shouldnt do any housework. It didnt mention that you put in so many more hours.

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