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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Casperthefriendlyspook · 20/03/2016 10:39

He sounds a proper delight, OP.
Surely the disparity in earnings shouldn't matter, if you have enough together?
I earn almost twice what DP does. I also work longer hours in my employment. He does more hours with the kids. It's a partnership.
We both have a very similar amount of money for 'fun' each month, and everything else goes into the joint current/savings accounts.
I couldn't put in the hours I do (or the commute, to the place I work) and therefore earn what I do, without his support.
Can you point these things out to him? That he couldn't be in the position he's in without you being there, etc.? It would cost him a hell of a lot more to pay for all that.
Also - yes. Controlling bastard.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 11:03

the pay cut puzzled me as well but I think it can be done if it's negotiated and people agree?

OP, another thought. I have no idea where you're going to go with this one but if you are planning to stay with him, I'd insist on marriage. Other MNers will know better than I will but I'm fairly sure you will be better off financially if you divorce him.

My first preference would be for you to leave, of course, but if you don't, if you are going to see "how it goes" till DC2 born, give it a couple of years to see how things go etc, then - someone here will know the definitive answer - are you better off leaving him when married or unmarried?

or in a short marriage, is it a much of muchness, I don't know. you say he is paying all the bills except your car and food, so what is your situation re renting or owning etc, all important.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 16:06

H worked somewhere that did this, they were given the choice between a pay cut or redundancies and they chose the pay cut on the basis that a job with lower wages was better than no job at all.

I hope that the OP is getting some RL support today Flowers for you OP

AdrenalineFudge · 20/03/2016 16:55

He sounds frankly abusive. It's not uncommon for abusive men to reveal their true colours when their partner is in a vulnerable position i.e. pregnant and dependent on them.

Grilledaubergines · 20/03/2016 17:19

A piece of advice my mum gave to me as a teen. "Never be with a tight man, Grilled". It was probably the only advice I ever listened to and yet bloody valuable.

Everyone looks for different qualities in a person. In your shoes I would be ending the relationship. Because to me, a partner who begrudges the sharing of financial responsibilities is no partner. It says an awful lot about their character.

Eustace2016 · 20/03/2016 19:15

Go out and out earn him! When you earn a lot more than he does life could be a lot easier and he will be begging you to fund his purchase of a new pair of shoes.

(Yes if employees consent wages can be cut as long as not below the minimum wage and in the recession a good for employees had to - the choice was 4 day weei or we lay off 20% of the staff so lots chose the 4 day week).

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 19:22

Eustace "Go out and out earn him!"

I presume that was just a flippant comment.
.....given that the OP has just had to consent to a pay cut, how do you think she will achieve this? It might happen over 5 years but she is having issues now and a baby is due in 5 months.

Eustace2016 · 20/03/2016 19:25

I was hired at 5 months pregnant for a job with a pay rise, but I agree it would be be unlikely for most people but longer term if women can plan to earn more than their man it does tend to protect their children and give them that financial stability and lack of need to depend on men who can be very feckless or run off.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 19:41

Well yes Eustace but that often requires training in a certain profession, which the OP says she has never had and given that she is halfway through a pregnancy, is unlikely to be able to do for a good while yet. Its even less likely when the stingy bastard will probably refuse to contribute to childcare costs if she isnt earning any money.

I agree that she would do well to look at her future prospects but cannot rely on this man assisting her to do so.

In fact, I may even go so far as to say he could well resent her if she did make moves to out earn him. With men like that you are a drain if you dont earn as much as they do and a neglectful ball breaker if you do.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 19:44

I should add that to them the perfect woman is one who earns and contributes 50/50 while still earning less than him so he can feel like the big man and put her down for her not being as good as him.

If the OP paid for a holiday he would hate it, every single sodding second because it isnt actually about money, its about control. Its about him putting her down to feel better about himself and thats why he didnt "pick" one of the women he works with, because he knows that they are better than him. His pathetic fragile ego couldnt cope with that.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 19:45

Eustace, long term, sure, but given what the OP has said about her situation it's not something that she can aim for now.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 19:46

Agree with Bogey, he'd probably hate it if she earned more!

OP - you all right? hope so Flowers

expatinscotland · 20/03/2016 19:53

Your partner is an abusive cockwomble. He's a dick, not a catch. I'd be making plans to move in with my mother. You'll be better off on your own.

FlowersAndShit · 20/03/2016 20:01

Your DP is an absolute fucking bastard. Please leave and move in with your mum.

HormonalHeap · 20/03/2016 20:14

WTAF. Abusive arsehole should feel privilidged to provide for his family and cherish you. Don't often say this but please move on to a happier life.

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/03/2016 20:28

A married couple should have the same lifestyle and amount of spending money, regardless of who earns the most. HOWEVER - why are you only working 30 hours a week? It sounds to me like he is working full-time to maximise his income (as well as doing freelance work as well), and that he might prefer you to maximise your earnings too and be full-time. Of course, he would have to pay his share of the childcare and, if you're working equal hours, the chores should be split equally.

I wouldn't be happy with a partner only working 30 hours a week and expecting me to pay for things for them when I was slogging my guts out working long hours, I would want both of us to work full-time. Its totally different if you have both agreed that you should be part-time to do childcare, but it sounds like he wants you to contribute more financially, which is fair enough. Most people need two people doing full-time work to have a decent standard of living.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/03/2016 20:37

Abuse often starts when the children arrive and the woman is placed in a more vulnerable position. He will get worse, not better, cut your losses.#

Whose name is the house in?

HormonalHeap · 20/03/2016 20:56

Pregnant with a small child and stil working 30hrs a week? I call that beyond reasonable. He should be bloody appreciative and working his arse off for his family.

Lumpy your point about abuse starting when kids arrive is sadly so true.

expatinscotland · 20/03/2016 21:01

'I wouldn't be happy with a partner only working 30 hours a week and expecting me to pay for things for them when I was slogging my guts out working long hours, I would want both of us to work full-time. '

Even if the reason why is because of childcare for children who are both yours?

It's supposed to be a partnership, not a flat/house mate. Partners like to support each other, it's how they show their love, not titt for tatt or leaving them to struggle. That's mean.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 21:02

in terms of 30 hours, if it's 30 vs 35 for a full time week then very little difference.

from what the OP says, she is not making mega bucks per hour. So allowing for the time that the extra 5 hours gives back, often time spent cooking from scratch etc, I cannot see that OP's partner should feel resentful she isn't quite working full time. It's a very narrow margin.

memyselfandaye · 20/03/2016 21:07

Harshbuttrue The OP probably "only" works 30 hours a week because they have a toddler and has had her salary reduced, clearly the dickhead father does fuck all so someone has to take care of the toddler at some point.

What a nasty unhelpful fucking post.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 21:07

And to reiterate, its not about money or hours or income over all. Its about the fact that he puts her down to be the big man. He constantly reminds her that he earns more, that he is more successful, that she should be grateful that he didnt pick one of the women he works with (several of whom is has lied about lunching with) and is of no emotional support at all.

Given that she will be on maternity leave soon, I suspect that when she has no money coming in at all, the shit really will hit the fan and the OP and her children will be the ones to suffer.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 22:14

harshbuttrue, another thing

the OP says "Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. "

The harsh but true (I mean really) response to that is if a high earning partner is so important to him, he should have chosen one. Especially with all these women who are apparently falling over themselves to be with him.

I'm not unsympathetic to the notion of wanting only to have a relationship with someone who is your equal in earnings. But FFS what's the point of choosing someone who isn't and then taking it out on them? It's the action of someone who enjoys making people feel small.

pictish · 21/03/2016 08:15

Go out and out earn him!

And once you have done that OP, would you be so kind as to pass your magic wand over to me...I could be doing with earning more myself. What good advice. It's seems so simple when you know how.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2016 08:18

'Given that she will be on maternity leave soon, I suspect that when she has no money coming in at all, the shit really will hit the fan and the OP and her children will be the ones to suffer.'

Yep. Very typical in these financially abusive relationships. Hence, why she'd be better off without him.