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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP? Money related

153 replies

msevs · 19/03/2016 20:51

My DP and I have a toddler together and I am pregnant with our second child. Currently I work 30 hours a week in a low paid but quite demanding job. Recently the wage in my team was cut by over £200 monthly, which is a lot for a job that is already low paid; this is disheartening enough in itself as I work hard. At the moment, I am struggling with paying my personal bills, I have had a lot of car-related expenses. I have mentioned to DP that I am finding it difficult to get everything paid.

Today he told me that despite me "dropping hints all week" he is not going to help me with my expenses, he said that he has helped before but will not again because "you earn peanuts in your job". He also said that other couples split bills 50-50 but he can never do that with me because I will never earn enough. This is not the first time he has mentioned the 50-50 thing. He earns three times the amount I do and also does some freelance work, he has earned a lot this month which further confuses me about why he is doing this now.

Realistically I don't know what he expects me to do. The baby is due in five months' time. I could look for a better paid job but I know I will need to go on maternity leave relatively soon. Also to be able to earn more than I do now I would probably have to train in a specific field like he has. All of this has just succeeded in making me feel more stressed out at a time when I could do without it to be honest. I feel he is being unsupportive. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
kawliga · 20/03/2016 00:00

Why do you think he is your partner Confused Nothing you have said sounds like a 'partner' to me. Is it because you have dc with him so you feel like you're stuck with him? Sad

memyselfandaye · 20/03/2016 00:02

Hes a greedy self centred twat.

OP read all of your posts back and take it all in.

I doubt very much that there is any female on here that thinks he sounds like a catch, does that not tell you anything?

GooseberryRoolz · 20/03/2016 00:03

In the past, he was generous and thoughtful. We used to go on holiday often and he would buy me iPods and so on as surprise gifts. He also paid for my car at the time, though I paid him back. This was before we lived together and makes me think he only did it to try and win me over.

Mean, abusive men are never mean and abusive in the courting stage.

It is nearly always life stage events like moving in together, marriage and pregnancy that herald the start of nastier behaviour; Events that leave women more enmeshed or dependent and give nasty men more leeway to take advantage.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 00:07

OP I can imagine that you are reeling at the moment. Do you have any RL friends or family that you can confide in?

I know that if I told my mum or sister that H was treating me the way this cuntweasle is treating you then they would be worried and horrified and would move heaven and earth to help me.

kawliga · 20/03/2016 00:14

I agree with Bogey. It is hard having a toddler and a baby on the way. You must be feeling very vulnerable. You need support from family and friends.

Hillfarmer · 20/03/2016 00:26

He is vile. Sorry OP, but I think this is who he is and he won't get any better. You are vulnerable when you're pregnant and he is using that to be even more vile and put the fear of god into you. He is using finances to scare you and control you. You must feel very low and what makes it worse is that the person that is persecuting you is the one person who is supposed to love and cherish you as the mother of his children. He is doing the opposite. Very nasty. For goodness sake you are a family and he is treating you as if you are scrounging from him. He has no respect for you.

I would seriously consider an escape plan. Think of family and RL friends who could support you and get some help. He is behaving appallingly. Any reasonable person would be appalled. You are not dreaming this.

Original poster
msevs · 20/03/2016 00:36

My mum does know and is not happy with DP to say the least, but she is not in a position to help me financially either although has said I could move to live with her if needed. My sister has never really liked DP because she feels he patronises me and treats me like a child sometimes.

Thank you all for your comments. I am going to try and get some sleep now. I haven't spoken to DP since this morning and he is currently avoiding me, normally he pretends nothing has happened after we have fallen out, so I'll see where it goes.

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/03/2016 00:36

He has some massive conflict going on. He wants you to know and be grateful that he has been munificent to you. Look how lucky you are. But he also doesn't actually want to be munificent and support you. He doesn't want to spend on a wedding but he can't possibly do your suggested register office cheapy because he knows you want to spend all his money would feel inadequate compared to your friends.
He sees you as a junior partner and you would be well advised to think of a plan B.

BreconBeBuggered · 20/03/2016 00:40

I wonder if he's trying to conceal money problems or look for some way of blaming you for them?

Hope you have some productive conversations with your DP soon.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 00:49

Giddy, but the OP wouldn't feel inadequate about a registry office wedding?

That's by the by. This guy is horrible op. You have support, good to hear, so I'd be moving on. I suspect he might have money troubles in fact. He may bang on about it but something seems off.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/03/2016 00:52

That was my point. He's frightened she'll spend his money or, God forbid, get some rights to it. Sorry, I didn't express it well. He's grabbing at straws.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 00:53

If you do leave him then your mum wont need to help you financially. You will be much better off and you will only need to stay with her for a little while until you get it all sorted. Or even until after the baby is born and you feel more able to deal with everything.
/
Is your current home rented or owned? If owned, are you on the deeds/mortgage?

I suspect that the reason he is avoiding you is that he senses a sea change. You have put up with this for a long time and yet today something pushed you to post on here and say "Is this ok?". Normally he knows he can act like nothing happened because you shut up and put up, but you are not doing that this time. This time was once too often. You may not have said anything but your whole demeanour will give that away, so be careful.

He will probably try to reel you back in with empty promises of how of course he will support you when you are on ML, he may promise an allowance or to support you if you dont want to go back to work. This will not happen, he will just say whatever he has to to get you to shut up. When the time comes the excuses and the verbal/emotional abuse will start again.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 00:55

I think that the reason he doesnt want a cheapy wedding is because he a) doesnt want to look cheap in front of his friends (someone with such great earning power not having a lavish wedding wouldnt fit his image) and b) he is already playing fast and loose with his female colleagues, getting married would put a kibosh on his extra curricular activities.

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 00:56

and of course c) she will have rights to the marital pot as Giddy says

Realfootyfan · 20/03/2016 01:20

OP you sound lovely and this man doesn't deserve you. Please don't begin to believe that the scraps he gives you 'being a hands on dad' are enough to make up for the way he undermines you and plays down your contribution. It's ok to take women at work out for lunch and hide it from you? And somehow that's YOUR fault? The way he is behaving is unacceptable and I bet if you spoke to his ex-wife, she is experienced similar treatment and that's why they're divorced. I would certainly not marry this man. I hope you are getting support from friends and family. Flowers

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 01:28

You know what? Its threads like this that make me cross when women post on Relationships "Should I tell his new GF that he is abusive?" and get told "No, she wont believe you anyway"

I used to answer like that but I have realised that while probably wont believe you because he will buying her ipods and treating her to holidays a la the OP, one day she thank you for the warning. Once the abuse does start in baby steps, it will be a shorter journey to realisation than it was for the first victim. Things will fall into place much sooner when the seed has already been planted in the second victims mind. The fact that the first wife may actually have been telling the truth will always be there and make the second wife/partner/GF see things in a clearer way.

Baconyum · 20/03/2016 01:34

Tempted to say there should be an offenders register for the emotionally abusive but we've only just got one for the very physically abusive!

Bogeyface · 20/03/2016 01:50

I agree.

I hope that in my daughters lifetime, emotionally and financially abusing a partner/child becomes as socially abhorent as beating them is finally becoming.

Baconyum · 20/03/2016 01:58

Same here bogey especially as I have a dd too.

HelenaDove · 20/03/2016 02:40

Hes a Grade A abusive bastard OP. I agree with the consensus here.

And i will bet the Easter chocolate my DM gave me and DH that when his kids stay over 8 nights a month its you doing all the running around after them.

HelenaDove · 20/03/2016 02:47

And if you are doing most of the running around after his kids invoice the cunt for it.

After all hes already told you this is the way he wants to do things so he cant complain.

HelenaDove · 20/03/2016 02:47

Though i also think you should LTB

heyday · 20/03/2016 07:40

Gosh, that's not a nice way to treat someone. Obviously we don't know the back story. Has he been on to you in the past to get a better paid job? Does he resent you being in this low paid job which now actually pays even less? I am not excusing his behaviour, just trying to understand his mentality!!!!
Perhaps the only way out of this financial predicament would be to get a loan or a credit card.... would he agree to pay that off for you monthly? I think a lot of posters on here are out of touch with the brutal welfare changes that are going on and how they will continue to be cut and phased out. It's going to be much, much harder for women in rotten relationships to survive financially from now on if they go it alone. I guess all you can do is talk to him and maybe suggest that you will have to give up work altogether as it's not financially viable any more and he will be responsible for all the bills......obviously don't do it but see what his response is.

Marilynsbigsister · 20/03/2016 08:16

Call his bluff OP. Assure him that you don't care about an expensive wedding.

Give him the legitimate reason that he is not your next of kin until married and with 2 children, it's really stupid not to be married.
Explain that you would be happy to go to the registry office mid-week (£115 all in - including all paperwork) that you would be happy to pay... That you can save for a big party in a few years..

Then sit back and watch his excuses. It will tell you exactly how much he values and cares for you...

Then LTB.

Eustace2016 · 20/03/2016 08:31

He seems a difficult person. I earned more than my children's father when we had babies so my situation was very different and that certainly helps a huge amount.

What stuck me was the pay cut, however. Legally if you have a binding contract employers cannot cut pay unless you agree to it. Are you employed or self employed?